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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Mommy that Hangs the Moon

 I had an early morning meeting with Sarah's team at school to help figure out how to best approach the meltdowns she has been having when frustrated.  Thankfully, her therapist came and gave some really great background and tips for her teachers to use in the classroom.  All of them were willing and ready to do whatever they could to help her. I was pleased to learn that her classroom teacher was familiar with EMDR techniques and has worked with other kids in foster care. It was really great to hear the therapist discuss the progress the kids have made and reflect on the hard work we've been doing. 

Sarah had another rough evening, this time over her resent for Hubby being "not as good" as the presents her siblings made.  This was self imposed and definitely further expression of the grief she is feeling right now.  Earlier this week we had a tantrum that included phrases like:

You don't feel like a forever Mom.
This doesn't feel like a forever home.
I hate you.
You don't want me.

Big scary stuff for my petite little Sarah. Man oh man does she have some sass in her. 

So when Simon asked to read to me I was ready for some quality time.

He picked the book "My Mommy Hung the Moon, a Love Story" by Jamie Lee Curtis & Laura Cornell. I had never read the book. Its a beautifully illustrated story about the Mommy that does all these wonderful things.  It ends with My Mommy is good at everything.

And then I had a moment of insecurity.  Which Mommy was he thinking of when he read it.  Does he think I hang the Moon.  Is it Sheila? Is it both?

It was such a sweet moment the two of us on the floor, that I swallowed down those thoughts and praised him for doing such a good job reading the story.

Then he said, "My Mommy gave us this book."

So there was my answer. He was thinking of Sheila.

I smiled and said, "Well its a really great book.  Thank you for sharing it with me."

Inside, inside I was hurt. And angry.  Not at my sweet Simon.  He should believe his Mommy hangs the moon and can fix anything.  I was mad at Sheila for believing that she hangs the moon and buying the book.  (Yes, yes, books are good. Better than the usual stuff she gets them.) She doesn't chase away the monsters. I do that.  She doesn't make all the food, I do that.  She wouldn't have been able to participate in the meeting this morning because she hasn't bothered to learn about the kids' mental health issues, nor would she acknowledge that she is the cause of some of them. I did that.  She doesn't get to be idealized or get to re-write the history of neglect and the violence and abuse she exposed them to.

Yes she is his mother. He should feel love from her, I want that for him.  But it really irked me because it felt like she was making him choose or trying to re-enforce the idea that she is THE Mommy. I really felt like yelling - if you wanted to be the Mommy who hung the moon, then you should have fixed everything when you had the chance.

But that isn't quite fair.  She doesn't have the tools.  She can't BE that Mommy. And I get that, I really do.  But there are moments when that is a really hard concept for me.  Truth is, I want to be THE Mommy but I'm not either. He has two.
 

3 comments:

  1. That's really hard stuff! It's even harder when kids are living in limbo without any sort of permanency! Hang in there!!

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  2. I totally get it! Thanks for sharing!

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  3. i realize this was four months ago but you totally nailed it in this post. totes mah goats this post!

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