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Friday, June 3, 2016

Damn Disney Decals

So back during one of trips to Disney with the Fab Four we bought those stick figure decals for the minivan. I never put them on the car for fear Maria would see and take offense. When the kids went home I sent their stick figures with them and hung on to mine, Hubby's and the dog. 

On a subsequent trip, we bought new stick figures for the final four. They've been sitting in a drawer for at least year. Well when Simon puked in my car two weeks ago I had justification to spend the money on a detail service. (I'm a little spoiled because they actually come to our office parking lot each Thursday.) And since the car was freshly washed I though it would be a good time to apply the stick figure forever family to the window.

Wrong move. The kids were like "what about Solana? Where is her's? Is there room for one? Can we get her one?

With their permanency seems to come a harder time remembering that their sister is still in foster care. Or maybe they just have more bandwidth to think about it. But we've had this conversation every other week recently. And it sucks.

"Remember? Solana's goal is return home. Both her Biological Dad and your Biological Mom are working on their homework from the judge."

Which is of course followed by, "How is my Mom doing?"


It's hard to balance answering truthfully, appropriately, and in a way that doesn't make them completely anxious about losing their sister. On more than one occasion Sarah has cried during this conversation. She adores her sister. And Solana adores her. 

I say that I don't really know for sure. I tell them I know their Mom is doing some of the things that the judge and Caseworker #4 have asked. I tell them So is her Dad. I say that people are concerned about Mom's past choices and inability to keep them safe and so they will be extra careful with Solana's safety.

"Will we get to see her if she goes home?"

So hard for adults to cope with these questions as foster parents. Here my kids are asking them too.

I'm trying to remember not to "borrow trouble" but that's really hard when you get these gut wrenching questions from your kids and you have no good answer.


  1. I had decals too,dog and a cat but hesitated on getting the kids, because I didn't want to offend mommy either. So. In a drawer they sat. Mommy added a baby, the kids will never live together.
    This whole decal family thing just kept getting stickier.
    Finally. I decided. So as not to offend mommy I did not do parents, just the kids that live in our house. Dog decal is MIA, but sure it will turn up, then I will add it.
    It shouldn't be this hard.

  2. DECAL IT UP!! This is your family now and let the decals reflect that. then...if she transitions back to mom/dad keep them there. She'll always be part of your family even if she doesn't live with you. !!!

  3. I understand the pain and inner turmoil in questions that have no acceptable answer. My foster daughter is 5 and has lived with me for nearly 2 years. Her younger brother will be 2 in a few weeks and has lived with me since he is 3 days old. They have 7 older siblings, only one who has been in foster care on a similar journey. My little one loves her older sister (she is 8) and is constantly asking to be with her. A few months ago it was decided by CYS and the courts that this sister would be living with her maternal grandmother. The grandmother is content with the little ones staying with me and so she only asked for custody of the older sister because she was being bounced from foster home to foster home. Unfortunately, the older sister let it slip during a visit she was going to be transitioning to grandma's care and told me daughter she would be going along as well. Sadly, that isn't the case. And so my daughter struggles with accepting her sister will live with their grandmother and she will not. I know the reasons behind this, but I also know none of them are satisfactory answers for a hurt little 5 year old. I try my best to be matter-of-fact about it and I also encourage visits as much as possible. It doesn't make it any easier! I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but best I can say is to keep doing the best you can do with what information you have on hand.