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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Can't Sleep

We talked about famous adoptees in family therapy tonight. I can't sleep so I went from looking for lists of famous adoptees to searching on the Adopt Us Kids website. Did you know JC Chasez (From 'NSync was adopted from foster care? By his birth mother's former foster family.

I need to start running again to help manage some of this stress/emotion. And probably get back into therapy for myself. The one therapist I had started seeing last summer didn't have kids and practiced Mindfulness. That's not what I need. What I need, is a safe place to cry for an hour a week. Someone who has walked this same path who will just let me talk and cry. Otherwise I am sitting in the dark eating a pop-tart at 2:15Am while typing on my iPad and wiping away tears with a paper towel.

The call with my Mom yesterday was really triggering for me. It brought me back to just before the Fab Four went home. I feel like we barely survived that. There is so much more complexity to our current situation. It feels like drowning. Lots of fear and anxiety.

Could this be the adoption depression I've heard about? Or am I just now coming back up for air after taking on a 5th child? Have we normalized enough that my psyche has decided it can take a beat to review all that is going on?

On the one hand my kids are doing fabulous. I mean really, really, healthy and great. And on the other, I'm struggling. Maybe because they are doing so well and any change with their sister could send us into a tailspin? It's probably all of these things combined. It's like that scene in the movie Juno where the new adoptive mom asks the birth-step grandma "How do I look?" And the grandma replies "Like a new mom. Scared shitless."

2 comments:

  1. Anxiety?
    You got this mamma.
    I wish I had some great words for you. I do have a counselor I love, she's in Barrington, near Northwest Highway and Route 59. Though she has not walked this path, she gets it.

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  2. Are you on Tumblr? We need your blog among the foster parent (Fumblr) blogrolls! You have so much insight and knowledge. It's a great support community as well. -bikerunfoster (Tumblr)

    ReplyDelete