My nerves are fried today. Mostly because I'm just tired of living in foster care land. I fully recognize that we have had a better experience than a lot of people, but I'm just ready to be done.
I had over an hour in the car alone with my thoughts on the way to Solana's permanency hearing this morning. That's a long time to be alone with your thoughts. Especially with very little sleep because a certain 10 month old decided she was going to scream the house down from 12:30 until 1:30 when I decided she and I both needed to be in my bed asleep.
Today was her 1st permanency hearing even though next month marks a year she will have been in foster care (her whole life). Neither bio parent showed up.
Which doesn't reflect well on them except all the reports were positive and showing progress being made towards the case plan. This of course meant the judge only had Caseworker #4 and myself to talk to. (Neither attorney had heard from their client.) So when he asked me if I had anything to add I just asked the court to keep in mind the sibling relationship when she returns home. It was my way of reminding him that I'm adopting the four siblings. The judge then sang our praises and asked how he could clone me. Then he granted permission for us to go out of the country on a cruise with her.
But you know what? Solana deserves better. Why the hell wouldn't you show up? And if you aren't serious about gaining custody (because how can you be if you didn't show up to court (which started an hour late)) just sign the surrender now so we can be done.
I'm definitely having flashbacks to when the Fab Four were leaving and all of the pain and this time it's not just myself and Hubby that will be crushed. There are four more kids and all the others who fell in love with this beautiful baby. And I'm the one who has to somehow keep us together and lead the way through the pain. And I'm struggling with that right now. Setting the record straight that we aren't adopting her. And every time I say it, I feel like I'm abandoning her.
But her biological parents couldn't even show up.
The goal was set for return home in 12 months which means a very long road. A lot could happen in that time but today the goal just exhausts me. I mean for heaven sakes I've been working on finalizing an adoption for 11 months.
So I may reset with a trip to the pool tonight. My and the kids. They won't be able to tell if it's the chlorine in my eyes or tears. (I know, I'm a little dramatic today.)