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Monday, June 20, 2016


My nerves are fried today. Mostly because I'm just tired of living in foster care land. I fully recognize that we have had a better experience than a lot of people, but I'm just ready to be done. 

I had over an hour in the car alone with my thoughts on the way to Solana's permanency hearing this morning. That's a long time to be alone with your thoughts. Especially with very little sleep because a certain 10 month old decided she was going to scream the house down from 12:30 until 1:30 when I decided she and I both needed to be in my bed asleep. 

Today was her 1st permanency hearing even though next month marks a year she will have been in foster care (her whole life). Neither bio parent showed up. 
Which doesn't reflect well on them except all the reports were positive and showing progress being made towards the case plan. This of course meant the judge only had Caseworker #4 and myself to talk to. (Neither attorney had heard from their client.) So when he asked me if I had anything to add I just asked the court to keep in mind the sibling relationship when she returns home. It was my way of reminding him that I'm adopting the four siblings. The judge then sang our praises and asked how he could clone me. Then he granted permission for us to go out of the country on a cruise with her. 

But you know what? Solana deserves better. Why the hell wouldn't you show up? And if you aren't serious about gaining custody (because how can you be if you didn't show up to court (which started an hour late)) just sign the surrender now so we can be done.

I'm definitely having flashbacks to when the Fab Four were leaving and all of the pain and this time it's not just myself and Hubby that will be crushed. There are four more kids and all the others who fell in love with this beautiful baby. And I'm the one who has to somehow keep us together and lead the way through the pain. And I'm struggling with that right now. Setting the record straight that we aren't adopting her. And every time I say it, I feel like I'm abandoning her. 

But her biological parents couldn't even show up. 

The goal was set for return home in 12 months which means a very long road. A lot could happen in that time but today the goal just exhausts me. I mean for heaven sakes I've been working on finalizing an adoption for 11 months. 

So I may reset with a trip to the pool tonight. My and the kids. They won't be able to tell if it's the chlorine in my eyes or tears. (I know, I'm a little dramatic today.)


  1. I totally understand how you feel. I have two little ones that are their mother's 8th and 9th child. They have an older sister in care who is supposed to transition to her maternal grandmother, but the grandmother isn't getting her paperwork done to make that happen (it was mentioned in court last week and the magistrate was irritated by it). The little guy came home to me from the hospital at 3 days old. This Monday he will turn 2. Until court last week, that had not seen their mother in a year. A YEAR! Yet, the TPR hearing was continued. And the permanency hearing was just a joke. The kids aren't going home (even though their mom seems to be getting it together right now), they haven't terminated rights and here we sit in limbo. I nearly cried when the magistrate mentioned the little one being in care his whole life. I wish I could say this was my first time dealing with such wishy-washiness from the system, but far from it! What is in the best interest of the children is not commonly taken into consideration in the foster care system. I wish I could do more, but all I can offer is a listening ear and virtual hug from afar! Keep on keeping on!

  2. Please tell me the parents had a really good reason for not showing up!