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A Different Type of Grief

Our first day to see the kids after reunification is tomorrow. Their Mom asked me if they had shorts and could I bring them? We had intended to bring their summer wardrobe and bicycles. With her having no job I was hesitant. My head filled with what ifs.

What if they get evicted. What if she seeks all their stuff. What if they have to move back to us.

If I'm being honest I was thinking fairly selfishly. Which Hubby pointed out. If she needs to sell their bikes to make rent so they don't go through the trauma of eviction or moving into a foster home- I should understand.

My Mom agreed to sort through their summer clothes and pull out what fits. Because our A/C died this week this morning was the first opportunity I had to go over to our storage locker.

The moment I opened the door the grief hit me. It was like I was punched in the gut. The tears hit so fast I actually cried out loud. I sobbed as I took in the view of the car seats too small for an almost six year old. The box of jackets from the space center. The Easter baskets unused because we didn't celebrate that holiday.

In that moment, my heart ached for them. Ached for me. Hurt because my life looks foreign to me.

I think the damn broke for several reasons. 1) We see them tomorrow and I'm worried about how they are. 2) We've said no to kids, babies. Kids who needed a family like ours. 3) Those around me are in pain dealing with this loss and I don't know how to help them. 4) It's Mother's Day weekend. I am no one's Mom. And while I agree some distance and time is needed the fear has crept back up about EVER being a Mom and brought with it the feelings surrounding my health and fertility.


  1. You will always be mom to those kids. They are forever changed because of the love you gave them. If it helps i look at it like this. A mothers job is to give children the tools they need to leave the nest and be ok. You gave them tools you will always love them thwy might not be 18 or 20 but it was time to move to the next step. You are still a mom for worrying and loving and yes maybe even helping from time to time.


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