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Saturday, November 24, 2012

For Good

This evening took place a few weeks ago. I delayed posting so that I could link some things but also because I felt it was too sad for the week leading up to Thanksgiving.

So clearly, I'm in a sad place. I was also PMSing in the last week so I was probably more weepy than I am the rest of the month... Maybe.... I cried at Gabby's musical this week so that probably counts as weepy. Both my Mom and Dad teared up too, so I blame my genetics.

The kids performed several Broadway songs. Singing in the Rain, You Can't Stop the Beat, 76 Trombones. Then they got to a song from Wicked. The intro to the song talked about performing in a Broadway show and it being life changing. I performed in show on Chicago's Broadway when I was a freshman in high school and it did, indeed, change my life.  I had no idea how much the song coming at me was going to hit my heart, or I may have tuned out some of the lyrics.

They performed For Good.



I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/w/wicked-lyrics/for-good-lyrics.html )

I tried so hard to keep it together. I thought I was going to bite through my lip. But as I was sitting across the gym from my sweet Gabby, watching as she sang her little heart out, I just couldn't keep the tears in.

And when this verse came up I was sobbing. I mean full on, fat tears, rolling down my cheeks.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Yeah. Pretty much sums up where we are right now.  The fear of never seeing them again. Knowing how much we've changed each other. Feeling so much love for them. They are my story....

My Mom reached over to grab my hand. Jelly Bean and Little Mama were asking my Dad why I was crying. Then he listened to the words and began to cry. (Let me say that my Dad can get emotional and he used to do it in public quite often.) So the kids thought it was pretty funny. Gabby saw me from across the room.

I stewed for a bit. Stung by how unfair it seemed that the other parents in the room were not wondering if they would ever see their kids again. I only briefly wondered if anyone I knew could see me and then I decided that if they did, I didn't care.  This is hard. Really, really hard. And if someone wants to think less of me - they can go right ahead. Five minutes of our story and I guarantee I'd be getting the "I don't know how you do it, you must be a saint speech". (And these days my response to that is "I'm not sure either, guess we'll find out if I can do it".)

Then they sang Seasons of Love which I wrote a post on here and I thought I was going to need someone to carry me out of there.

 I'm really trying to get out of this funk. To focus on the good. Because there is so much of it. And so much happiness in our home (when the trauma decides to give me a break). And this may well be our last Christmas with the kids and I want it to be special. Full of laughter and wonder. I want the kids to learn from me that you can deal with the bad, turn the stumbling block into a stepping stone, and find the good. Even if the situation appears to suck. Those are the moments that change us for the better. I have to remember that if I'm not there as they journey through life that the lessons I have taught them are there.....for good

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