Can't Sleep

We talked about famous adoptees in family therapy tonight. I can't sleep so I went from looking for lists of famous adoptees to searching on the Adopt Us Kids website. Did you know JC Chasez (From 'NSync was adopted from foster care? By his birth mother's former foster family.

I need to start running again to help manage some of this stress/emotion. And probably get back into therapy for myself. The one therapist I had started seeing last summer didn't have kids and practiced Mindfulness. That's not what I need. What I need, is a safe place to cry for an hour a week. Someone who has walked this same path who will just let me talk and cry. Otherwise I am sitting in the dark eating a pop-tart at 2:15Am while typing on my iPad and wiping away tears with a paper towel.

The call with my Mom yesterday was really triggering for me. It brought me back to just before the Fab Four went home. I feel like we barely survived that. There is so much more complexity to our current situation. It feels like drowning. Lots of fear and anxiety.

Could this be the adoption depression I've heard about? Or am I just now coming back up for air after taking on a 5th child? Have we normalized enough that my psyche has decided it can take a beat to review all that is going on?

On the one hand my kids are doing fabulous. I mean really, really, healthy and great. And on the other, I'm struggling. Maybe because they are doing so well and any change with their sister could send us into a tailspin? It's probably all of these things combined. It's like that scene in the movie Juno where the new adoptive mom asks the birth-step grandma "How do I look?" And the grandma replies "Like a new mom. Scared shitless."

Permanency

My nerves are fried today. Mostly because I'm just tired of living in foster care land. I fully recognize that we have had a better experience than a lot of people, but I'm just ready to be done. 

I had over an hour in the car alone with my thoughts on the way to Solana's permanency hearing this morning. That's a long time to be alone with your thoughts. Especially with very little sleep because a certain 10 month old decided she was going to scream the house down from 12:30 until 1:30 when I decided she and I both needed to be in my bed asleep. 

Today was her 1st permanency hearing even though next month marks a year she will have been in foster care (her whole life). Neither bio parent showed up. 

Which doesn't reflect well on them except all the reports were positive and showing progress being made towards the case plan. This of course meant the judge only had Caseworker #4 and myself to talk to. (Neither attorney had heard from their client.) So when he asked me if I had anything to add I just asked the court to keep in mind the sibling relationship when she returns home. It was my way of reminding him that I'm adopting the four siblings. The judge then sang our praises and asked how he could clone me. Then he granted permission for us to go out of the country on a cruise with her. 

But you know what? Solana deserves better. Why the hell wouldn't you show up? And if you aren't serious about gaining custody (because how can you be if you didn't show up to court (which started an hour late)) just sign the surrender now so we can be done.

I'm definitely having flashbacks to when the Fab Four were leaving and all of the pain and this time it's not just myself and Hubby that will be crushed. There are four more kids and all the others who fell in love with this beautiful baby. And I'm the one who has to somehow keep us together and lead the way through the pain. And I'm struggling with that right now. Setting the record straight that we aren't adopting her. And every time I say it, I feel like I'm abandoning her. 

But her biological parents couldn't even show up. 

The goal was set for return home in 12 months which means a very long road. A lot could happen in that time but today the goal just exhausts me. I mean for heaven sakes I've been working on finalizing an adoption for 11 months. 

So I may reset with a trip to the pool tonight. My and the kids. They won't be able to tell if it's the chlorine in my eyes or tears. (I know, I'm a little dramatic today.)

Open Adoption- Visit

I had reached out to Sheila to let her know the adoption would soon be final and to set up a visit so she wouldn't have to ask us. We were a few months away from the year mark of last seeing her and I thought it would be better if she could see all that we are trying to do to keep our children connected to their birth family. She of course put the ball in our court to plan the visit, so we did. 

We picked a garden in her town that the kids enjoying going to. It's the type of place you can only spend a few hours at so there would be a natural break in leaving. It's about an hour away so we also planned on getting lunch at a habachi resturant we really like.

Overall, I think the visit went well. We had prepped the kids at family therapy about things we wouldn't want to discuss (like Solana's permanency) but things that we were sure she'd want to hear about. School, camp, swimming. The kids were really nervous but afterwards they told us it was easier than they expected. Sheila respected our request that she let us parent Solana during the visit and towards the end I asked her if she wanted to hold Solana for a while, which she of course said yes to.

We tried to give her some space with the kids, letting them wander through the paths without us and taking pictures of them together. She also asked me if it was ok if she took their picture and I agreed. I thought is was nice she asked. She brought stuffed animals for the kids and also let each of them pick something out from the gift shop. 

We hadn't really set an end time so when we reached the visitor center we invited her to lunch if she was free. She said she had a prior commitment and we began saying our goodbyes. Then she asked if she could get a picture of us with the kids and I suggested we take one all together. As she hugged the kids she asked if she could hug me as well and thanked me again for letting her have the visit. I told her we would try to do another one before school started. 

I think she did genuinely appreciate the chance to see them. The kids had a hard time conversing with her about anything other than the activity we were doing so there were moments of ackward silence. Sarah was upset about Sheila not coming to lunch. I can't figure out if that's because it felt like rejection to her or if her love language is quality time. Maybe both. Lunch ended up being chaos because the resturant was closed and then other places were busy. So it's better she didn't come with! 

All the kids were happy they saw her. Felt it went better than they expected and we managed to continue on with our day. We even managed to run a few errands with no issues. And dare I say, we've not had any fallout. We've also had a busy week so that probably helped.

Sheila did text to thank me yesterday and also let me know she found lice in Smiley's hair during the visit. It annoyed me but also exemplified the reason why she can't parent. It didn't dawn on her that I would need to know right away to take care of the problem. (Again.) (I actually researched salons that do the lice treatments and not picking for you last night. Either I missed some nits from the last outbreak or there is someone at camp that still has it. I didn't find many big/live bugs so I suspect this is a new infestation. But it was interesting bonding time for hubby and I as he was "helping" me look through her hair.)

Damn Disney Decals

So back during one of trips to Disney with the Fab Four we bought those stick figure decals for the minivan. I never put them on the car for fear Maria would see and take offense. When the kids went home I sent their stick figures with them and hung on to mine, Hubby's and the dog. 

On a subsequent trip, we bought new stick figures for the final four. They've been sitting in a drawer for at least year. Well when Simon puked in my car two weeks ago I had justification to spend the money on a detail service. (I'm a little spoiled because they actually come to our office parking lot each Thursday.) And since the car was freshly washed I though it would be a good time to apply the stick figure forever family to the window.

Wrong move. The kids were like "what about Solana? Where is her's? Is there room for one? Can we get her one?

With their permanency seems to come a harder time remembering that their sister is still in foster care. Or maybe they just have more bandwidth to think about it. But we've had this conversation every other week recently. And it sucks.

"Remember? Solana's goal is return home. Both her Biological Dad and your Biological Mom are working on their homework from the judge."

Which is of course followed by, "How is my Mom doing?"

::sigh::

It's hard to balance answering truthfully, appropriately, and in a way that doesn't make them completely anxious about losing their sister. On more than one occasion Sarah has cried during this conversation. She adores her sister. And Solana adores her. 

I say that I don't really know for sure. I tell them I know their Mom is doing some of the things that the judge and Caseworker #4 have asked. I tell them So is her Dad. I say that people are concerned about Mom's past choices and inability to keep them safe and so they will be extra careful with Solana's safety.

"Will we get to see her if she goes home?"

So hard for adults to cope with these questions as foster parents. Here my kids are asking them too.

I'm trying to remember not to "borrow trouble" but that's really hard when you get these gut wrenching questions from your kids and you have no good answer.