Inside Out

We saw Inside Out tonight. I had read a few reviews of the movie and at least one that was foster care related. I knew it might be triggering but all of the reviews said the movie did a nice job of laying out how your emotions interact with your brain.

Since we've been dealing with a lot of "big feelings" as we refer to them, we felt this would help the kids understand their emotions better.

Plus, we are huge Disney nerds so it's a pretty safe bet that we'll be seeing the latest Disney/Pixar flick. 

Warning: Plot info

The major event of the movie was that the main character, Riley, moves cross country. Her emotions: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust in the central command center are in charge of her daily interactions and responsible for her memories (which look like marbles). The memories are stored during sleep and some form Core Memories which form her personality made up of Islands of experiences. 

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The moving piece reflected the loss my kids have been feeling so powerfully.  The move part didn't register so much (which is funny because we did actually move). I think the kids are genuinely happy in our new house and weren't in the other one long enough to be too attached. The missing of friends was the biggest trigger for the kids and several of them cried.

I think it will be a great spring board for other conversations. I also really liked that it showed there was room for all of the emotions and all of them had their purpose, including fear which keeps us safe. Such an important lesson for our kiddos with trauma and attachment issues.

I would also add that this movie has subject matter material that will mostly be lost on those younger than Kindergarten. I'm not sure how much Smiley absorbed although she did find certain parts sad.  There were a lot of younger kids in the theater and they were not paying attention to the movie. Lots of talking- this is not a Frozen/princess/song movie.

It was very cute and aside from the "moves"/loss aspect, not too triggering. In fact, both parents are in the movie and neither of them die. I give it 2 thumbs up.

Today's Trigger Brought To You By Mangos

I spent a lot of time this weekend rocking my children. It's a little more difficult to do when they are 10 years old but that's what trauma looks like.  Today's trigger was a mango.  Like the fruit.  It reminded one of a former foster home and all of the loss came crashing down around her.  Then the other one felt the loss and it all came crashing down on her.  It was a repeat of a few days earlier, post visit with Sheila. The letter with the questions was left behind and hat caused upset. Then Smiley and Simon decided to scratch and spit on each other in the car on the way home from the visit.  (They spend an hour driving each way.) So they went to bed crying while the other two cried about the letter and the loss of their Mom.  Stella was also upset about the baby clothes that she saw in the closet. Complex feelings for kids all under the age of 10. 

We went over again the reasons the kids are being adopted, "Remember how we discussed your Mom's problems with depression and how she choses relationships where people got hurt? The judge said she didn't fix the things that she needed to prove she could take care of you?  She loves you, she just can't take care of you like she needs to."

Stella isn't sure she wants to be adopted today.  And that's ok.  We reassured her that she can feel that way.  We went over the importance of sharing those feelings and reminded her that we understand that and that she won't hurt our feelings. 

She has lost so much. siblings, family, culture.  She's never had stability for more than a few months.  All of this is scary. "I must try and control everything and be perfect" kind of scary.

Sarah had a tough weekend with loss but also with her PTSD.  Loud noises and sirens are a big trigger for her PTSD.  We know she struggles with fireworks so we tried to prepare for that. We talked about it, we bought her ear plugs and we gave her the choice to stay home from the fireworks show (special time with Dad). Nope. She was going. And she decided that she wanted to try to watch without her ear plugs. She was a little skittish but as we waited for our town's show to start we could see 3 other neighboring towns.  She started out sitting and watching them on her own.  When it got to be a little much she came and sat on my lap  She had no issues until the finale. I think the noise was just too fast for her to calm herself down between the booms. What I love, though, is as soon as she's regulated she's like "that was awesome".  She just get right back up.

After his sisters melted down at dinner, I checked in with Simon.

"Simon, how are you feeling about all this stuff?"

"I'm kind of excited to be adopted." It's that simple for him.

Smiley, she acted out about the visit in the car and that was about it. My guess is she didn't get much attention and whatever attention she did get was negative as the kids fall into bad habits at visits. Of course everyone was like "Little miss smiley scratched someone? I don't believe it!" She's generally happy and smart and a little lady. Seriously, the kid wears a dress or skirt all.the.time. Most mornings she tells me she has nothing to wear. She has a great giggle and a beautiful smile and so its hard to believe she's the most stubborn kid I've ever met.  When she doesn't want to do something she doesn't do it.  One day she will use her powers for good instead of evil. :)  
 

No Pain

I was feeling no pain this morning. Largely due to the gobs of anxiety medication I took yesterday and the pills the doctor prescribed. In fact, I was downright chilled out. It still wasn't enough to get me into the special MRI so they needed up putting me in one slightly less powerful but with a bigger opening and I was able to handle that just fine. (I can't do open MRI because they are scanning my brain.)

So I had a full 45 minutes to lay still and think while the machine clicked and pounded and vibrated. 

The first few minutes I though of Sarah and the noises. We'd have to knock her out for something like this. Then I thought of Stella and all the questions she would ask.

I thought of my conversation with the doctor that morning when she asked me if I was foster parenting little babies. I answered No but in my head I thought- not yet. And then the fact that I was lying in the MRI with pain brought me back to a conversation with my Grandma. One of the last lucid conversation I had with her- "you can't care for a little baby if you are sick".

This disease brought me to foster care. Maybe it's poetic that it's reminding me of that as we near the end of the adoption process. Apparently I woke up hopeful that the end is near which is a step in the right direction as in the last few weeks I felt like we were never going to get there. 

But that's what 2 1/2 happy pills will do  for you. And a really good nights sleep. 

Of course then Simon decided to loose his sh*t this morning because it's a visit day. He totally lied in an effort to avoid asking for help. Then he lied again and then we were in meltdown mode. My 7 year old refused to use any of his tools . He was angry and scared and I stayed calm and therapeutic. It breaks my heart every time I gather him in my lap and he physically stiffens and fears the loving contact. We will keep at it. Like everything else.

This *should be* the 2nd to last planned visit. The kids came up with a list of questions for Sheila that they wanted answered. Hubby said he had to bribe Smiley to participate. I said to him, "Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she is done. Maybe she doesn't need this lady she's no longer connected to to tell her anything."

I have no idea if she'll answer the questions. Despite telling everyone she wants to help the kids move forward her lack of action has proved otherwise.

 

"Sure I'll have a family therapy session with the kids." (Her attorney actually tried to make a lack of family therapy an issue in court a few months back.) but then she never called to get the appointment scheduled. Meanwhile she's posting on facebook about everything having a consequence so you better make good choices. 

Yeah. If only she would follow her own advice. 

It makes my head hurt. Which is an improvement over my face on fire....

It's Baaackk

I took a really important step today and scheduled an appointment for myself with a new therapist. One of the joys of moving is assembling your people-dry cleaners, pizza place, doctors, so that they are close to you. My hair stylist is actually already close as I've been going to her for 16 years and I've traveled to see her. So I'm set there. My therapist is over 45 minutes away and I need one that's closer.

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I woke up today feeling like the left side of my face was on fire. And I knew deep down, that I will no longer be able to pretend I don't have a chronic illness. One sided face pain is generally a bad sign. So I called the neurologist and got orders for a dreaded MRI. And after 4 phone calls I finally got that scheduled. Within a minute of getting on the horn I was reminded of all the stress and frustration that comes with being sick.  The new rule is you can't schedule the appointment without the precertification number. That requires a facility. How can I pick a facility if I don't know what their availability is because they can't look at the schedule without a pre-cert? Maddening. And I have insurance. It's not the Medical Card I'm trying to use. (And all the foster parents nod their heads in understanding.)

The thing is, I know what's in store and it's no fun. Appointments, tests, medications with yucky side effects. Having to explain over an over that my condition is rare. As in, the nurse I spoke to today at my doctor's office had never heard of it. I don't have time to be sick. I have too much to get done and that probably the cause of the "flare up". 

And because I know that the meds are likely to cause depression I needed to get out in front of that piece. I was headed there anyway to deal with my weepines over my kids lack of permanency. And to add insult to injury the first person that I called told me she had no room for me.

It might all be interrelated. I just know my face feels like it's being stabbed by hot pokers and it's making me increasingly crabby.

*****

 I'm long over due for a flare up. In that regard I've been lucky. And where my disease presents itself could be worse- I could be paralyzed or blind. It just really burst my bubble today. 

I'll be fine. This go-round we know what it is (last time I was in pain 18 months before anyone figured it out). Hopefully I will respond quickly to the treatment and move on. I'm over my pity party and just ready to move forward.