So just before school began, I started to write a blog post that started like this:
Well, well, well. Trauma-related behavior, so nice of you to stop by just before school starts. You've been gone so long, I *almost* forgot what you looked like. But I suppose it is mid-August and nearly September so that means it's time for Sarah to freak out. It could also be the fall out from visits with Birth Mom, Big Brother, and a Random Text from Birth Dad.
We've had a few raging tantrums but Friday both Sarah and Smiley had major issues. The was preceded by Simon also really struggling the day before.
And that is as far as I got. I had planned to go into detail about the tantrums, attitude, ripping of paper, pushing of tables, throwing of pillows, screeching, and slamming of feet/doors/hands during this epic day of rage but that didn't happen. And what I really wanted to share was the verbal grenade of "You're not my Mom!" coming at me and the strange "earning of stripes" I felt afterward, but that didn't happen either.
Why? Because kids. Because when the trauma related stuff kicks in, it knocks me on my ass with exhaustion. Because I wish and will the trauma away at times. I like to pretend I have no new material for a foster care, early childhood trauma blog and quite frankly I resented having stuff to write about. And while I feel guilty watching parents in other support groups and blogs struggle with parenting children in The System and Hard Places, because my kids "look so healthy", I much prefer that to the reminder that all Hell can break loose here at any moment because of trauma.
I realize I haven't written very much this year. Upon reflection, I think a large reason why I've not written is the resentment that trauma still lingers. That perhaps this is the same old thing, and you lovely readers are tired of reading about it. That perhaps no System related drama or suspense doesn't make for very good blog material.
But maybe there are readers out that that are in the same place as me, and I realized that perhaps you needed to read about some other Mom out there being resentful of the trauma or other special need. Maybe you are a tired Mom who just wishes that some magic wand would come and undo all of the hurt and pain your children carry around with them. Maybe there is a Mom that gets blindsided when for weeks or months their house looks like a "typical house" and then all of a sudden - BAM - trauma drops in to remind you that it never really leaves.
And while we have come far, really far, it's not enough to re-wire brain pathways and remove cellular level trauma, and it never will be. And that is the reality we have to deal with and sometimes, I don't want to.
We've had a few raging tantrums but Friday both Sarah and Smiley had major issues. The was preceded by Simon also really struggling the day before.
And that is as far as I got. I had planned to go into detail about the tantrums, attitude, ripping of paper, pushing of tables, throwing of pillows, screeching, and slamming of feet/doors/hands during this epic day of rage but that didn't happen. And what I really wanted to share was the verbal grenade of "You're not my Mom!" coming at me and the strange "earning of stripes" I felt afterward, but that didn't happen either.
Why? Because kids. Because when the trauma related stuff kicks in, it knocks me on my ass with exhaustion. Because I wish and will the trauma away at times. I like to pretend I have no new material for a foster care, early childhood trauma blog and quite frankly I resented having stuff to write about. And while I feel guilty watching parents in other support groups and blogs struggle with parenting children in The System and Hard Places, because my kids "look so healthy", I much prefer that to the reminder that all Hell can break loose here at any moment because of trauma.
I realize I haven't written very much this year. Upon reflection, I think a large reason why I've not written is the resentment that trauma still lingers. That perhaps this is the same old thing, and you lovely readers are tired of reading about it. That perhaps no System related drama or suspense doesn't make for very good blog material.
But maybe there are readers out that that are in the same place as me, and I realized that perhaps you needed to read about some other Mom out there being resentful of the trauma or other special need. Maybe you are a tired Mom who just wishes that some magic wand would come and undo all of the hurt and pain your children carry around with them. Maybe there is a Mom that gets blindsided when for weeks or months their house looks like a "typical house" and then all of a sudden - BAM - trauma drops in to remind you that it never really leaves.
And while we have come far, really far, it's not enough to re-wire brain pathways and remove cellular level trauma, and it never will be. And that is the reality we have to deal with and sometimes, I don't want to.
Thank you for sharing. It is good to know that we are not alone in parenting kids that experience trauma, that others experience that same "oh no, dealing with this again" despite therapy, a secure home for years, and a loving adoptive family.
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