It's no wonder I'm blogging at midnight. We have the permanency hearing in 9 hours that might change our lives forever. I've been through 6 or 7 of these things but tomorrow (today) is the first time I'm walking into court and expecting the goal to change toward termination of parental rights.
It wasn't until this afternoon that I was sure the Department was going to be asking for a goal change as not all of their legal paperwork was done. The minute I got the email, I instantly felt nervous. The thought that I could be adopting 4 kids became very real. It's not some idea in my head anymore.
The kids don't know we have court so I tried to act normal and we ran some errands after work. I took the kids to look for a Halloween costume and Sarah had the daylight scared out of her when she peaked around a corner and saw a very realistic zombie (seriously, who puts that stuff next to the kids section? I would have preferred the Batman panties over the PTSD meltdown).
This of course meant Smiley had to look too and I just got done getting her back to sleep after a nightmare about monsters. I guess we can rule out haunted houses for them....(Just kidding. I would never bring my PTSD/domestic violence exposed kids to a haunted house.)
The costumes brought out some memories and for the first time in months I heard them mention their older sibling that lives out of state. The kids have been way more talkative about feelings, fears, and their memories over the last two weeks. They are also doing a great job of showing me they care in my love language, words of affirmation. Last night Simon told me I was "really talented" while I was working on a craft for our trip to Walt Disney World. But it wasn't buttering me up. It was really a true compliment. (Keep it up kid and you can have whatever you want....)
I also bought a variety pack of hot chips. My kids love hot chips and a variety pack of 4 different kinds makes me "the best Mom I ever lived with". All part of my plan to hear those words everyday! Wait until they land at Disney World! Ha!
So wish us luck tomorrow. That sounds awful doesn't it? Luck, for a Mom to have her whole world cave in on her? And it will because as recently as this weekend she was still making all this stuff about her and not her kids. She implied I was trying to block her from talking to Sarah and placing blame on others for not understanding what her kids are feeling in therapy. She has expected that everyone should spoon feed her everything and that's not how it works. But I suppose that's all part of her victim mentality and the basis for why tomorrow might bring about a goal change.