I'm a little weary today. We got the results of Simon and Smiley's trauma assessments yesterday. I'm not sure what I was expecting but my heart broke hearing that Simon is in a constant state of fear and is suffering from clinically diagnosed anxiety. His PTSD is in the 90th percentile. And if we don't get some hard work done now he will likely be diagnosed with RAD later on.
I began crying when they described picturing him at 2 or 3 listening to domestic violence in the next room. Unable to understand or put words or pictures to the sounds he was stuck in a fear state an has no idea how to stop worrying.
Smiley is always a little sad. Which probably means her smile is often phony. She spends a great deal of time in a dissociated state. Their biggest concern is that she won't be able to cope with another move. She has quite a few risk factors for an attachment diagnosis down the road as well.
It just hurts my heart that these beautiful kids were not cared for. And that we are still trying to send them back to the Mom who didn't do her job. Maybe it's helpful for me to be reminded exactly how much damage this woman did to her children. She may not have hit them, but she care for them either.
We have a lot of work to do as a family to heal some of this hurt, if it can be healed. An important task is ahead.