You let me say all those mean things?

Last weekend we got together with Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk's 3rd foster family. We've seen them twice since LM and Gabby moved in. This was hard on them as they didn't understand why their first foster Mom (we'll call her Molly) had not made an effort to visit them. Well she had, but then cancelled last minute something she apparently did a lot. The girls also reported that she lied a lot skipping trauma therapy appointments telling the therapist they has ballet when they stayed home.

So after we met the 3rd family and had a great time at a moon bounce place and pizza pub Gabby had a little rant. She had been working up to it all day. My little actress who looks a lot like Tinkerbell when she scrunches up her nose was ready for her dramatic monologue which went something like this:

I bet Molly doesn't even care about us. I bet she never did. Why did we have to live with he anyway. I bet she forgot about us and hopes that we forgot about her. She lied all the time. I bet she lied about loving us too. She lied about coming to see us. Her boyfriend was always more important than us.

All true feelings. All valid. Not dissimilar to feelings she has about her biological mother. Now I knew we had made plans to see Molly. But I kept my mouth shut for fear that she would cancel and break their hearts all over agian. I couldn't do that to them. So I let her get it all out and said something like, "I'm sure she does care about you and thinks of you often how could you not? You're amazing."

Today Molly confirmed our meet up. I still didn't tell them. We walked into the restaurant and even though I had never seen a picture of her I knew instantly who she was. We turned the corner and the girls saw her stand up. Gabby started to cry instantly. In the middle of hugging this woman she called Mom for 7 months she turned around to look at me and she mouthed "thank you". And with that I started to cry.

My sweet sensitive Gabby knew that that moment was for her. She knew we put aside any feelings we might have about the choices this person made or the promises she broke because it was important for her to see her. To learn that people don't have to disappear from your life because you move on. That you can love others from afar and be angry at them but still care about them. And then she gave me a gift. She called her Molly instead of Mom.

At this point I have been one of her "Moms" for longer than Molly. I have dug in and done the hard work with her and LM when Molly wouldn't even take them to their appointments. And call me selfish or absurd but I feel that it counts for something. Now I would have been ok if she called her Mom. I have tried to put myself in that situation and if I was the former Mom I think it would be very hard for her to feel like she couldn't call me "mama" but something about the fact that she didn't slip- not once made me feel very self satisfied. That this jockeying to become the protector and care giver was finally over. I surpassed this first foster Mom and am now THE foster Mom.

This pails in comparison to actual Mom and I understand that. I live it in fact. Today when LM was raging about pretty much everything I knew it was because she was living with me and now with her Mother. And it was exhausting trying to stay patient and not say all the things I actually think about her Mother's inability to get it together for her children. To urge her to either speed it up or let them move on. Its hard sometimes to remember that what I would do if my kids were in foster care and not back in my custody after 18 months is not the same as a person who abused their children because they couldn't handle their situation.

Tonight as we were working on their first Christmas stockings Gabby asked me "How could you let me say all those mean thngs about Molly if you knew we were going to see her?" I explained that I wasn't sure she was really coming and that just because we saw her didn't mean that her feelings weren't real or true. "You really are always trying to keep us from getting hurt aren't you?"

Yes my sweet girl. Yes.