Things going through my mind

I'm writing this post to hope Murphy's Law will work and the judge will call us in to the permanency hearing. I'm sharing a couch with my kids Mother after a really really crappy week. I was just going to write the thoughts popping into my rapidly firing brain. Then I thought well maybe I can use this time to learn some more of the kids history.

So I asked and she answered. And for a few minutes we were Moms sharing stories. Until we realized we were sharing stories about the same kids. I tried really hard to be kind. To nod when she was making comments while my brain was screaming SHE DOESN'T GET IT. I felt empathy as she shared some of her background. But that doesn't mean I'm going to just roll over and stop protecting these kids. I did bite my tounge when I could have said they are terrified of you. But it took a lot to do so.

Then we got called in. And the judge commended us on working together. She told us that she kept the boxes the girls decorated to bring their cupcakes to her. They are on her shelf. She also recommended the enter the court house artwork contest.

But it made me feel like a fake. Yes I work with Mom because I know is best for the kids but I do it grudgingly. I don't think very highly of ther Mom. I sometimes pray she disappears and then change my mind because I'd just have to pick up the pieces. I don't write nice things about her because I don't see her being able to care for thee kids.

This is perhaps the 2 mr worst week of my life. A close second to the week my Grandma passed last year. We had an ACR, family/team meeting, holiday concert, therapy, testifying against abusers, permanency hearing, licensing worker visit and on Wednesday the hospitalization of Jelly Bean for suicidal thoughts.

I'm a wreck the kids are a wreck and I sat and listened to the judge say that Mom was meeting the reasonable effort standard and renewing the goal of return home. She told her she has a long road. And she won't send the kids home until she is sure they are safe. And set a hearing for one month for results of the psych eval which rumblings I'm hearing are not positive in Mom's favor. She assigned a CASA worker to be another set of ears. I see they are crossing all the Ts. But I get the sense that the preference here is to drag this on. at least that's how it feels.
And I get to handle the fall out. I'm the one who had to leave the child at the psychiatric hospital. I'm the one who spend hours yeterday calming sisters down. I'm the one juggling these appointments. Somehow it feels like I am the one doing all the work.