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Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
Exhausted. Every fiber in my body is tired. And this migraine can take a hike anytime. No really anytime. Because I really need to be able to have my game face on. I have a 7 year old child who needs me to be consistent and calm and while I have the consistent part down the calm needs a little work. Ok a lot of work. See she’s pushing my buttons. She’s shared her deep dark secrets with me and I think she’s trying to see if that means I think she’s bad like she things she’s bad. And she isn’t. She is smart and beautiful and funny and caring and I love it when she giggles. But the giggling is less and less. And she’s amazingly brave. Oh my goodness is she brave. To go weekly to face her Mother who abused her and to try and figure out the conflicted feelings she has. It took me 28 years to express anger with my Mom and she never hit me. And I try to tell her but its as if she’s stuffed cotton in her ears. And the nightmares can take a hike too. Because seriously the 3 AM and 4AM wake ups are not my cup of tea. Speaking of caffeine now I understand why all the parents I know drink coffee. And it would be great if I could too but my body doesn’t like coffee and my brain can only handle so much caffeine. Grrr. And despite the new 9:30/10-PM bedtime I still feel like I’ve spent the last 5 weeks pulling all nighters. Is this why pregnancy is so tiring (like my friends tell me)? So you get used to operating on this feeling of unrest? But those moments of happy are worth all of the pain in the *ss behavior. Even though I’ve only known her 5 weeks I love this little girl and I will do everything I can to help here for as long as I have her.

Love,
State of Mind

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