Mom?

I don’t even know where to begin.

The last week has been a blur. We received a call from a case worker at DCFS asking if we could take a sibling placement.

I didn’t even know our license was completed.

It will be by Monday.

Did I mention Friday was my Grandma’s Birthday? And that my husband and I had happened be together as we were driving 5 hours to the funeral of her brother? And we had happened to stop due to a work issue (thus able to discuss and concentrate on the conversation)? And it was like everything with the Baby Girl made sense.



Sunday we got to meet them at their current foster parents’ home. This family was just awesome and made the transition very successful! As we are the kids' 4th home we were nervous about there being a rough transition.

On Monday the case worker brought our 7 year old daughter and our 3 ½ year old son. Due to confidentiality I can’t disclose their names. I will have to come up with some nicknames. They also have 2 sisters in foster care in another home. We were asked Tuesday if we would consider taking the other 2 and we had to say no at this time.The two we have need lots of help to get on target educationally and developmentally and they need our undivided attention. Plus we don't really have the space in our 2 bedroom, loft home.

I'm sure in a few weeks we will have tantrums and arguing and disobedience but right now we have amazingly well behaved, sweet, polite kids who eat well and sleep well and love ::Gasp:: Baths! I am soaking up every minute of the cute sayings and sweet gestures and the hugs goodbye and the hugs hello. Even our dog is enjoying the honeymoon period. He jumped from his bed to her bed at story time as the kids love to pet him when we read to them.

I've discovered that the kids really like ice cream and it worked as a very good incentive to finish dinner last night.

We are adjusting fairly well. It makes me very angry to learn about what happened to these kids to come in to care and then what has happened to them while in care. I am totally committed to making their time with us as positive and worthwhile as possible. Their next permanancy hearing is in June. The caseworker told me she doesn't think the kids will go home then. That they will probably have another year extension. I guess I'll sleep then :)

Waiting for the Phone to Ring

Well we finished our 2nd home inspection last week. Any day now we should get our license in the mail and even before it comes we may start to get calls. I am excited about where this journey may take us but I'm also bracing myself for the very real and very hard emotions that I know will come with it.

I've had a series of life changing "phone calls" in the last few months and I wouldn't put a single one in the positive category. The middle of the night phone call that my Grandmother passed. The text that my husbands estranged Grandmother passed. The Facebook alert that our family was not being considered for the baby girl being placed for adoption. The voicemail that my Grandmother's brother died of a heart attack last Saturday. So the fact that any day now my phone may ring and someone will be wanting to know if I'd like to take children into my home that may or may not stay, that may or may not have MAJOR issues, that may or may not become my children, that WILL be angry, hurt, confused, and scared has me just a tiny bit nervous.

Now don't get me wrong I understand that I signed up for this. This has been six months in the making. We have completed 27 hours of classes and filled out sheets and sheets of paperwork. And I have tried to prepare and educate myself as much as I could about what to expect. But that's the thing. No one can tell you XYZ are coming and you'll need to do ABC for them... And whether or not we get a placement depends on how far up the list we are or who else answers their phone. Or if I answer my phone which is something my husband was quick to point out to me.

Its this whole unknown piece that has me unnerved and I think a part of that is because I've been in this place of unknown for a while. Yeah yeah yeah - life is a mystery no one can know the future, yadda, yadda, yadda but I was in a place where I was fairly comfortable and confident in my world. Things made sense to me. I wasn't getting knocked out every other month by some new tragedy or challenge. The phone wasn't ringing to tell me people I loved were dead or that I needed to tell someone else that they loved was dead. I had a job I loved and was good at with people I ::Gasp::: LIKED. I wasn't going to doctor after doctor to be told that my condition was not responding to treatment or that at the moment pregnancy isn't possible. And of course I wasn't turning 30 then and wondering how my family was going to look in the next 5 years. And yet I signed up to become a foster parent to invite more unknown in??!!

Yes. Completely resolved, unequivocally yes. Because I have the family and love to give children who need a home and love and support for a little while or for forever. And because I know better than to second guess God's plan or pull. And while I may not understand that plan I can follow it the best way I know how. And apparently that means waiting for the phone to ring.

If I'm being honest

I was really anxious all weekend. My husband had driven th 19 hours to pay his last respects to his Grandmother and my niece was with me from Thursday through Sunday. Friday night my friends sent me a picture of the baby. She is adorable. And I cried.

Maybe I knew that I would not get to meet her. Maybe I knew she was meant for a different family. Maybe I was a tiny bit relieved that our world would not be thrown to the wind with another phone call telling us we were wanted.

And my niece was standing there and she just hugged me. And I really needed it because what I really wanted was my husband. Someone who wants the same thing and can soothe me and remind me of my own words that God has a plan. He does. No really, He does. I looked into my nieces eyes and told her she was too young to have all the adults in her life cry all the time and we both laughed. We headed to dinner and had a really grown up conversation about adoption and foster care.

She wanted me to explain why it was "fair" that people who couldn't take care of their children could get them back. Ahh the famous black and white judgement of the young. Not experienced enough in life to understand the many shades of grey. Then she wanted to know why we only opened our license up to 13. "What you don't like teenagers?" Of course and we love several of them including you. Which of course led to some pretty good conversation about her going to high school and my secret to staying out of trouble. (Don't hang out with those who start the trouble. Guilty by associating is still guilty.)

And when the phone didn't ring the rest of the weekend I knew it was time to let go. And when my husband and I were finally in the same house hugged him like my life depended on it. And I had a moment where I just lost my cool exterior of just going about my life. I was really sad. And though I have NEVER been the kind of person to worry about what everyone else was doing I was actually feeling slightly bothered by the fact that all of my friends that I talk to regularly are expecting. I don't know if I feel left out or left behind or if its just this continued unknown of what placements we'll get called about or if we'll ever get to try to have biologic children but I actually had a moment where through tears I expressed this to my husband.

His reaction? Actually perfect. He was the right amount understanding and reasonable. He asked me if we were in a competition he didn't know about and reminded me that I'm not usually like that. He asked me if I like our life - which of course echoed a very similar thought I had had earlier in the day while scrapbooking some pretty amazing moments in our lives. And then I felt very lucky because I have him. And somedays thats all that matters.

Baby Girl

A baby girl was born yesterday. She is healthy. Her mother is healthy. And she has not yet chosen an adoptive family. And even though I was told she had chosen to go with an agency I can't help but hold onto a little glimmer that maybe she'll change her mind about our situation and ask me to meet her. But my brain tells me its silly and it would just be opening up my heart to get broken even further.

I prayed last night for a long time. A long prayer that allowed for every situation. For some sort of sign or signal so that I could go whatever direction I'm supposed to so that I can stop being on edge. To be hopeful and excited at becoming a mother or let go of that hope and just move forward towards foster parenting.

I woke up to a text message from my husband's cousin. His grandmother passed away. The one he hadn't talked to in 11 years. And now he is on his way to Florida with his sisters and I will be responsible for my teenage niece for the weekend.

Is this is a sign? And if so what kind of sign is that? If possible I'm even more on edge.

So I'm praying. Praying for those families in wait. Those families in grief. Praying that I'm following teh Lord's plan for me.