Gabbing with Gabby

Gabby popped up on Facebook today. She posted a picture of herself from when she lived with us. In it, she was wearing her favorite dress from that time. So I commented and she texted to ask if we could video chat. She apologized for barging back into my life - and I was stunned.

She thought I’d be annoyed to hear from her after so much time had passed. She misses me a lot. I confessed I think of her daily and still keep her picture on my desk at work, and around the house. We both cried. I tried to explain that I wanted to respect Maria’s role and space, and how I understand LIttle Mama doesn’t want to be reminded of her time with us. Mr. Mohawk doesn’t remember us, and Jelly Bean can be a little much with all of the other kids around. Everyone is doing well. Which is such a relief, 7 years since we first came into their lives.

I always knew Gabby would excel. And I really see her rising above her circumstances.  She’s getting all As and Bs. She’s playing tennis and made show choir. She’s turned into a beautiful Sophmore with the same bubbly personality. But she’s also always been expressive and she had written a letter to both Hubby and I back around Thanksgiving time.

Hubby’s letter  talked about how he has always been her father figure and the first example of a man not hitting her. She thanked him for showing her how to play tennis and share his love of accounting, which she will be taking next semester.

The letter to me, thanked me for keeping her with her siblings and preventing more moves. For making the most horrible time in her life better. For helping her manage her anxiety and teaching her how to stand up for herself. She thanked me for being an awesome Mom and said that she feels happy for my forever kids because I’m an amazing mother.

Such a gift she gave us. An amazing gift. 

10 Questions To Ask When Considering a Foster Care Placement

I see this question very frequently in the Foster Parent Support Groups. What should I ask before agreeing to a new foster child placement?

I always feel a little tug on my heartstrings when I see that question. It reminds me about the hope and excitement we had when we started out. And then I remember we had zero time to come up with a list and it wouldn't have mattered because we weren't really given a clear picture even when we did ask the questions....sigh. Not that my pre-jaded self would have been discouraged by the truth....

So before I give you the list, here is my advice on how to approach those first few placement calls.

• Don't be rushed. The person calling will be frantic. They will tell you the child is in their office. They will need an answer ASAP. 

You are making a decision that is LIFE CHANGING. For you, your family, and the kids in care. If you don't spend the time now, it will cause issues later. And the kid who they are trying to place will likely pay the biggest price. So don't feel bad for being as thorough as possible. This is the only time you will have the power in this relationship and the only time you will have the caseworker's (if it's not an investigator) undivided attention.

• Trust your gut.

Don't say yes out of guilt. If you have a bad feeling, listen to it. If you feel you can help improve the kiddo's situation, then listen to that too.  Be honest with your ability to handle the child's needs or the demands of the case. It's ok to say no. It's better to say no if it's not a good fit, than to move a kiddo later.

• Understand who is calling you.  

Usually, calls for placements come in one of two ways. 1) Investigator - who just removed the child and is calling for placement for the first time. 2) A caseworker or agency person trying to place a child from another home, either for disruption or as a pre-adoptive placement.

An investigator isn't going to have the majority of the answers to your questions, ask anyway. The hope is that the caseworker is being truthful. I think a lot of the, time foster parents feel that caseworkers either lied or bent the truth or omitted information for fear someone won't take placement. I am on alert when someone tells me there are no "no issues" or "no trauma". So I always multiply whatever they tell me as worse than it sounds, by at least two. 

Now for the list:

1. Demographics - Child's Name, Birthday, School, County, where parents live, where child lived
2. Reason for Removal -Neglect, Abuse (physical or sexual), Domestic Violence
3. Length of time in Care, # of Moves, contact info for previous caregivers, ability to talk to them
4. Family Structure - Bio Mom, Bio Dad, Siblings, Paramores of Bios, Other siblings adopted or in care. If siblings not together, why not.
5. Case Details - CW info, their supervisor, GAL info, CASA info, Next Court Date, Service Plan, Case Goal, Agency Office
6. Visit Schedule and Transportation Responsibilities - how frequent, number of hours, more than one bio parent, sibling visits, where/when, how long have visits been set this way, who transports
7. Medical Needs - Allergies, Medications, Special Equipment, Upcoming appointments, drug exposure
8. Educational Needs - Grade, 504 Plan, IEP
9. Mental Health Needs - trauma history, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, currently in therapy, contact information for all
10. Placement Details - when would children come, what will they come with, clothing sizes, is it possible to gradually transition

What would you add? Do you keep a similar list? What would you have asked, that you didn't? I'd love to hear your thoughts below or on Facebook.