Mother May I?

I took a brief break from blogging. The beginning of this year has been busy with life and I didn't have the energy to word vomit all of my feelings. I'm still stuck in a space where I resent trauma and want to pretend we aren't impacted by foster care. But that of course, is not the truth.

I have a bunch of draft blog posts that I started but I'd start to write and just get frustrated. I focused on offering my advice to local support groups and new foster parents instead.  Writing here is often one-sided and I get a high from knowing I helped someone (don't we all?). But hanging out in those public forums, is exhausting as it's a glimpse into the general public and the stunning realization that all kinds of people become foster parents, including those that shouldn't. Do you ever think- Wow that person just wrote that in a public forum, what do they think in the privacy of their own head?

I shared that Sheila took off out of state around Christmas. Well  she is back. And she brought Big Brother to live with her here. And of course now that she is back she wants a visits with Solana and the kids.

I have all kinds of feelings. It ranges from - Oh Hell no, you took off for 3 months not my problem to It's great that my kids could possibly have a relationship with their older brother, that's fantastic. Then it swings back to, oh holy Hell, now we have to decide about a teenage boy with likely the same if not more trauma if/when The Department steps in.

I'm sorry, but this is not a great situation. The Mom who had 5 kids removed from her is all of a sudden healthy enough to parent a teenager who she has barely spent any time with and just moved cross country?

We agreed to a call. And for the first time she violated a boundary I had set and it really ticked me off. Each of the kids take turns speaking with her and Big Brother. We use video chat because it’s easier to keep the kids engaged. The calls are always on speaker and I am always nearby.  In speaking with Sarah, Sheila she said I can’t wait to see you guys! Maybe we can get together this weekend and if not this weekend, next weekend.

She hadn't asked me and we were very clear when the surrender happened that any and all visits were at our discretion. The kids are the ones making plans and me now saying no - make me look the unfair one. I told her very clearly after the call that what she did wasn't okay. And then she started with my favorite response.

"I know but you have to understand....I want.....Big Brother needs....."

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Fast forward to a week later and now she wants another call.  (Because cell phones don't work out of state? Like why all of a sudden? Radio silence for 3 months.) I say she can have a call with Solana because SD said it was fine and its up to him.  And she responded with, well are the other kids going to be there? I was honest. I told her we need to take things slow with Big Brother.  That I was still upset that she violated the boundary. We set up a time for her to call Solana, the same day, 8 hours later.

And then she blew right past the time she was supposed to call, by an hour. I had rearranged my schedule to be home for the call.  Solana was asleep.  And when I told her I wasn't going to re-schedule, that she would see the kids 3 days later at a school function, she told me I was unfair, mean, using her kids against her, judging, making up the rules as I went along, and uncaring.

I said none of those things.  And I've always been really clear that I will re-schedule a missed call if she tells me before the call that she can't make it. If you are a long time reader, you may remember posts on missed calls. Here. Here. Here. Here. She gave me the same story about how her anxiety is so bad that she loses track of time and even forgets to eat.  I reiterated that she needs to be on-time for calls and if she can't be, then she shouldn't schedule them.  I also reminded her that I don't have to supervise anything.  That I do it as a favor, as visitation is at SD's discretion with no set frequency, minimum amount of time, or required calls.

I did offer to meet with her therapist to discuss this incident. To explain how her inability to consistently show up and on-time affects the kids.  But let's be serious, while she says she's seeing a therapist and taking her medication, if she took off out of state for 3 months, she likely wasn't being treated during that time. (Its highly unlikely she arranged care out of state as she didn't even bring her ID with her.)

So of course she was late a nearly missed the beginning of the school function. But the visit went fine. It was awkward with Big Brother because he is a teenager and doesn't know these kids. But everyone survived. She was cool towards me, but that was okay also because I didn't particularly care.  I am worried she is on a downward spiral and what that means for Big Brother but I can't borrow trouble.

It will be interesting to see what happens this week as we have a birthday and Mother's Day.  We've already seen the write-up for bad behavior from school from Smiley and I'm trying to decide if I wan't to attempt breakfast on Sunday or find an excuse to leave the house by myself.

Gabbing with Gabby

Gabby popped up on Facebook today. She posted a picture of herself from when she lived with us. In it, she was wearing her favorite dress from that time. So I commented and she texted to ask if we could video chat. She apologized for barging back into my life - and I was stunned.

She thought I’d be annoyed to hear from her after so much time had passed. She misses me a lot. I confessed I think of her daily and still keep her picture on my desk at work, and around the house. We both cried. I tried to explain that I wanted to respect Maria’s role and space, and how I understand LIttle Mama doesn’t want to be reminded of her time with us. Mr. Mohawk doesn’t remember us, and Jelly Bean can be a little much with all of the other kids around. Everyone is doing well. Which is such a relief, 7 years since we first came into their lives.

I always knew Gabby would excel. And I really see her rising above her circumstances.  She’s getting all As and Bs. She’s playing tennis and made show choir. She’s turned into a beautiful Sophmore with the same bubbly personality. But she’s also always been expressive and she had written a letter to both Hubby and I back around Thanksgiving time.

Hubby’s letter  talked about how he has always been her father figure and the first example of a man not hitting her. She thanked him for showing her how to play tennis and share his love of accounting, which she will be taking next semester.

The letter to me, thanked me for keeping her with her siblings and preventing more moves. For making the most horrible time in her life better. For helping her manage her anxiety and teaching her how to stand up for herself. She thanked me for being an awesome Mom and said that she feels happy for my forever kids because I’m an amazing mother.

Such a gift she gave us. An amazing gift. 

10 Questions To Ask When Considering a Foster Care Placement

I see this question very frequently in the Foster Parent Support Groups. What should I ask before agreeing to a new foster child placement?

I always feel a little tug on my heartstrings when I see that question. It reminds me about the hope and excitement we had when we started out. And then I remember we had zero time to come up with a list and it wouldn't have mattered because we weren't really given a clear picture even when we did ask the questions....sigh. Not that my pre-jaded self would have been discouraged by the truth....

So before I give you the list, here is my advice on how to approach those first few placement calls.

• Don't be rushed. The person calling will be frantic. They will tell you the child is in their office. They will need an answer ASAP. 

You are making a decision that is LIFE CHANGING. For you, your family, and the kids in care. If you don't spend the time now, it will cause issues later. And the kid who they are trying to place will likely pay the biggest price. So don't feel bad for being as thorough as possible. This is the only time you will have the power in this relationship and the only time you will have the caseworker's (if it's not an investigator) undivided attention.

• Trust your gut.

Don't say yes out of guilt. If you have a bad feeling, listen to it. If you feel you can help improve the kiddo's situation, then listen to that too.  Be honest with your ability to handle the child's needs or the demands of the case. It's ok to say no. It's better to say no if it's not a good fit, than to move a kiddo later.

• Understand who is calling you.  

Usually, calls for placements come in one of two ways. 1) Investigator - who just removed the child and is calling for placement for the first time. 2) A caseworker or agency person trying to place a child from another home, either for disruption or as a pre-adoptive placement.

An investigator isn't going to have the majority of the answers to your questions, ask anyway. The hope is that the caseworker is being truthful. I think a lot of the, time foster parents feel that caseworkers either lied or bent the truth or omitted information for fear someone won't take placement. I am on alert when someone tells me there are no "no issues" or "no trauma". So I always multiply whatever they tell me as worse than it sounds, by at least two. 

Now for the list:

1. Demographics - Child's Name, Birthday, School, County, where parents live, where child lived
2. Reason for Removal -Neglect, Abuse (physical or sexual), Domestic Violence
3. Length of time in Care, # of Moves, contact info for previous caregivers, ability to talk to them
4. Family Structure - Bio Mom, Bio Dad, Siblings, Paramores of Bios, Other siblings adopted or in care. If siblings not together, why not.
5. Case Details - CW info, their supervisor, GAL info, CASA info, Next Court Date, Service Plan, Case Goal, Agency Office
6. Visit Schedule and Transportation Responsibilities - how frequent, number of hours, more than one bio parent, sibling visits, where/when, how long have visits been set this way, who transports
7. Medical Needs - Allergies, Medications, Special Equipment, Upcoming appointments, drug exposure
8. Educational Needs - Grade, 504 Plan, IEP
9. Mental Health Needs - trauma history, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, currently in therapy, contact information for all
10. Placement Details - when would children come, what will they come with, clothing sizes, is it possible to gradually transition

What would you add? Do you keep a similar list? What would you have asked, that you didn't? I'd love to hear your thoughts below or on Facebook.