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Sunday, December 25, 2016

Dear Sheila,

You've been on my mind quite a bit today. I'm not going to lie, that really annoys me. I don't really want to think about you. But today as I watched the children you birthed delight in the magic of Christmas I couldn't help but include you in my thoughts. I've had a few hard conversations this week because of your choices and I just want to say I think its incredibly unfair of you to occupy space in my mind today.  I'm writing this letter knowing it will never reach you but hoping it quiets my thoughts.

You cancelled your 4th visit in a row and you told Caseworker #4 you were going out of town.  Visits are stopped until further notice and even if you wanted to see the kids, I would have to exclude Solana from that visit.  I have some theories about why you might be going out of town. Several of which have to do with giving birth in another state where you won't be on The Department's radar. Maybe you are going home to see your family but I wonder what, if anything, you have told them about where your children are. In any event, the 5 children sleeping upstairs were left in the dark and I had to have a conversation that went something like:

We have the date Solana is moving.  She will add an extra day to each week of visits starting in January and then move on a Monday. She is not having visits with your Mom.  I have not heard from your Mom. I know so of you may be wondering about a phone call for Christmas and the upcoming birthdays.  I have no idea if she feels ready to have a call.  Right now, there is no plan for a call so I wanted to tell you that in case anyone was wondering.

Because they were wondering. Because they love you. Because they don't understand how you can walk away from them and Solana.

I assured them that you were probably thinking of them and that maybe since the adoption is final and Solana is going to her Dad, that this Christmas was too hard.

I have to admit I'm struggling with empathy for you. Its easier when I think that something is so broken inside you and you are so devastated from loosing your kids that it just hurts too much to see or talk to them. I don't quite understand that because I would crawl through glass to get to them, but that's the difference between me being their Mom and you being their Mom.

I'm not sure where we go from here. We made it pretty clear that you needed to be consistant or We would have to have a relationship at a distance. I'm not going to solve that problem tonight. Right now I'm going to go to bed before 10pm for the first time in months in hopes I get some sleep because I have a sick baby and a disaster of a house that will need my full attention tomorrow.

~ Foster Mom R

1 comment:

  1. We do not have the permanency you do, so I don't have the right to wish birth mom would not be in our lives. However, I do dislike that she enters and occupies space in my thoughts, especially holidays. We usually do not allow phone calls on holidays, the day is ours to be celebrated and enjoyed without her intrusion. I received a text message this morning, but said nothing of it. No one said anything about her today.
    We will have a mommy call later today.
    I hop for the sake of your children that what you are speculating about birth mom's absence is not the reason.

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