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Tuesday, November 29, 2016


When the Fab Four went home the house became quiet. To use the cliche, deafeningly quiet. I missed the giggles immediately. This past weekend as we sailed past 24 hours gone and inched towards the first 48 hours without Solana, the missing laughter is what I noticed first.  Not just from her, but also from my kids.

She's just a funny little being.  She discovers new things daily, and she has this soft little voice and this loud buzzer sound she makes, that you can't help but smile at them.  She only knows the words: up, please, no, Mama, Dada, and hello, but each one seems so meaningful.  We all dote on her and squeal with delight about the new things she does. Having wrapped pretty much the entire family around her tiny fingers, there was a big void this past weekend.

I tried to give latitude to everyone, including myself.  I got up to work on my thesis for grad school and the kids tried to get the rest of their homework done from our trip.  I ignored bickering. I granted lots of snack breaks and blessedly Hubby took them outside. First to do yard work, then on a hike with two stops at Starbucks. I've explained that I was focusing on getting my school assignment done but I'm also hiding a bit, knowing that I am having a hard time and would likely be short tempered.

Court went as I expected. Monday. The department asked for custody to be granted to Dad but the judge granted discretion to the Department To return home.  I think Dad is as ready as he can but, but this gives Solana and us more of a transition. I'm not in favor of a long drawn out process and told the judge that. I know that it doesn't work this way everywhere, but I almost always say something in court. Generally this judge will ask questions and this time he asked if we had a good relationship with Dad. It gave me an opportunity to praise him, explain why he has our support, and demonstrate that we are willing to work with the team. It was slightly easier to do this because Sheila didn't show up until court was over (45 minutes after the call time.) so a few more weeks of overnights and we will move her home.

As of now, Dad has stated he wants us involved.  Likely, we will be helping him on weekends when he works, as childcare could be problematic.  Weekends are also easier for us as we can actually spend quality time with her.  I don't know if it will be every weekend, but we've said we think at least two weekends a month would be best for Solana as once a month seems too infrequent. The 1 1/2 hour drive will also be more easily managed on weekends.

Several readers have asked what we would do if Solana came back into care.  We would absolutely take her as a placement, although I think that scenario is unlikely unless something happens to Dad. Although his illegal status could become problematic as the political landscape changes. Our hope is that we are a support to Dad and he can reach out to us for help when he needs it. He has completed every service in a timely manner, participated in every meeting and did not miss any visits.  The only thing he missed was court, and since his attorney was there, it wasn't held against him. He has no prior involvement with the Department and stepped up to acknowledge his daughter when he didn't have to and family told him not to. This will not be an easy road for him, but he has family support and us as support and I have no reason to believe he won't succeed.  This is foster care working at its absolute best.

It's still hard and sad. We are seeing some really frustrated behavior by Solana and she ignored me for a solid 5 minutes when I saw her at court. Then she wouldn't let me out of her sight.

Simon announced he has a new student coming tomorrow in his class. So there is me- remember how hard it is to be new and make sure you are a friend and nice tomorrow. (Of course he would be, my sweet Simon.) and then he told me her name is also Solana. (Which is strange because her name is not common and is sort of a made up name. It has no language origins.) Great. Hello trigger city....

We are treasuring these last few weeks as we pivot towards our new normal. 


  1. I wish I had words for you, to give solace to your heart, but there are no words. My prayer for you and your family is peace, and continued connection.

  2. That would be so great for everyone if you could see Solana a couple weekends a month. I assume Solana is a half-sibling, so that's more than a lot of kids get to see their half-siblings in "normal" situations. It's wild that the dad is undocumented, yet can have legal standing in court. I don't understand our legal system at all.

  3. oh my heart, hugs, be gentle with yourself too.

  4. Oh, how hard. I'm so thankful for people like you, who foster when it's SO HARD!