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Thursday, October 13, 2016

It's OK to Say No

I've got several posts started about how we are struggling. There has been so much crying and tantruming that I opted out of family therapy last week. I just couldn't do it. And that's ok.  For the last 2 + years I've sat with my kids and tried to listen and understand and learn. And in the years before them I spent all kinds of hours talking kids through therapy (remember the 2x week therapy with the Fab Four?). But I just couldn't take another session about the importance of telling Mom and Dad the truth or answering a question when asked. And its not their fault, and its not mine.

None of us asked for the trauma. And its okay to say, I need a break.

I've been practicing a lot of self-care. Even simple things like having a cup of tea. Crafting. I gave into the migraine I had and laid down. (Not easily done with 5 kids.)

And this has been enough to help me get my wits about me and get back to quality therapeutic parenting. And it must be working because we managed to go the whole weekend without any tantrums or rages.  Or maybe its October and whatever traumaversary was happening has ended.

Then of course there is the stuff happening with Solana's case. (And maybe the kids have picked up on our stress and sadness about that.)  This week some Facebook sleuthing led me to information that Sheila is pregnant.  She has missed several weeks of visits and a few months ago had ended visits early because she wasn't feeling well. If that was morning sickness, then I think she's probably due in the spring.  About 18 months from when she gave birth to Solana, which is about the spacing between the other kids. So she's ducking the caseworker, sabotaging her case, and putting our family in another impossible position.

How do I explain to my children that their Mom has walked away from their baby sister for another baby?   Or diminish their worry? Or answer the question- will you take the baby?

How do you make the decision to stop helping the siblings of your children?

And why the Hell isn't their mandatory birth control or pregnancy prevention counseling? I mean Heck, I'll pay for the birth control.

A friend of mine said it best, "Who has THAT much sex?" 

4 comments:

  1. Oh. My. Gawd.
    So sorry to hear this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am all for mandatory birth control in certain cases. Male and female.

    ReplyDelete
  3. foster care, adoption from foster care, dealing with foster baby mama drama... this is not for the weak!

    I wouldn't volunteer to be a mamma for the next baby because most likely, there's be another baby after that. I think our former foster daughter had like 13 siblings --one dad--like nine baby mammas. Our former foster son had 6 siblings--one mom and like 4 baby daddies and last I heard she was pregnant again. None of the kids live with her.

    It totally sucks saying that but I say don't volunteer. We are all human and we all have limits. I know our limit is 2 bonus kids because we have three kids and five total is a reasonable number. I know this because we took in 5 bonus kids for a week and it almost broke us. NO GOOD! So yeah, be ruthless in protecting your heart and your family. Taking in endless kids is not good! JUST my opinion

    Sending support!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I totally understand all of this. My younger two are the youngest of 9 kids. Their mother has custody of none of them. At one point everyone thought she was expecting again but I think she had a miscarriage because she disappeared for awhile and when she came back the bump was gone. She is the second mom I've known who has had a child while her older children are in foster care - what a mess! Yes, to contraception or at the very least pregnancy prevention counseling!

    I can also understand your conflicted feelings about taking in your child's younger sibling and your reasons for not doing so. As the above comment mentioned, it's something that might not end as each subsequent child is born. Yet your a foster mom because you want to help hurting kids, I get that too. Only you know what is best for you and your family and no one has a right to push you beyond that. I wish you and your family the best!

    ReplyDelete