Skip to main content

Ramblings

I've long held the believe that it wouldn't be possible for me to love a child I birthed more than a child I adopted. Or even fostered. I've been chewing on that idea for a week now. Considering the feelings that are tied up in the Fab Four and then my kids, and now Solana, my head is in a really weird place.

I rock this 15 lb ball of smiles who holds her own bottle and reaches for me when I enter a room and I wonder at how quickly you can fall in love. And then I feel guilty that my feelings for Simon, Smiley, Sarah and Stella didn't develop as quickly. Even though now, I feel them just as strongly. I had an interesting discussion with a co-worker who just came back from maternity leave and she talked about how her bond with her new baby was slower than it was with her first child. (Why don't women talk about this?)

I'm asked pretty frequently by friends how I feel now that we are adopting.  Given Jelly Bean's extreme behavior and mental health issues the real question no one is gutsy enough to ask is, am I relieved we didn't adopt the Fab Four?

And if I'm being honest, yes I am. 

You wouldn't choose for your child to be sick so it's an odd thing to "choose" to keep a child who is, if given the choice. Someone told me that I "dodged a bullet"  when the Fab Four went home. It was a Mom who had an adult son with autism. It made me angry at the time, but now I understand where she was coming from.

Life with Jelly Bean would always be rough. And while we could have gotten her stable, we would have had to work so very hard at it. And to be honest, I don't want to have to work that hard.

Sure we have worked hard with the Quartet to help them heal. We have done gobs of attachment therapy and changed our parenting style dramatically. But we have not had to work as hard on our hardest day with these kids, that we had to on a "good" day with Jelly Bean. At this point, my kids are behaving pretty close to "typical" or at least way closer than they were 2 years ago. And while we have days that are more challenging, most days the trauma related stuff is a blip vs. a major blow up. And I can imagine days where there is no blip at all. So of course, I would choose this.

So here is the head trip, I don't feel guilty about that. I love those children but I am so glad I don't have that responsibility right now.

Everyone keeps asking how we are doing with 5 kids. We are good. Amazon shows up everyday because I'm not taking 5 kids to the store unless I have to, and Peapod grocery delivery is my friend and I am looking forward to when I can sleep through the night again, but Solana is really the piece I didn't know I was missing so the added challenge of a baby feels worth the hassle. 

Seeing Hubby with Solana is an experience I am glad I've had. He's amazing to her and I love him more for it. 


Comments

  1. It was much easier for us to attach to our foster baby, too, because she wasn't obviously raised by someone else. Older kids come with the speech patterns, attitudes, and negative behaviors taught to them by their neglectful/abusive birth parents, and every interaction reminds you of that. While I'm not under the illusion that a baby is a "clean slate," you are able to teach them much more quickly how to be a member of your family, and their interactions reflect your teachings almost immediately. I think that's what makes it so much easier to attach. It doesn't mean you love the youngest more, just that it was easier. The hard work you have put into parenting her older siblings shows another kind of love!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the validation! Love the last point. The hard work shows another kind of love.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She Never Cried

Sheila called to wish Sarah Happy Birthday and she shared a story with her that as a baby she never cried. Not when she was hungry, not when she was tired, never. She never cried.
A little later Sarah said to me:
"Mom, my Mom said I never cried. I don't really believe that. That can't be true can it? Don't all babies cry sometimes?"
Oh my sweet girl. The red flag went up for her too. As I listened to Sheila share this story fondly, I felt sad. That was a sign of her RAD. That was because she couldn't count on adults. That was because she cried and no one came so she learned not to cry.
"It doesn't sound right to you, does it?"
"No."
"I know your Mom shared that story because she thinks it's cute you never cried. It made me sad. You are right babies cry so adults take care of them. You know how you had a lot of different adults that were supposed to take care of you as a baby?"
"Yeah, like 10 foster parents."
"Well …

Minimum Parenting Standards - Monday's Post

I can't figure out Blogger's time zone and I may not have time to write Monday evening so here is Monday's post.

This week we are having another "team" meeting. This time to discuss the "minimum parenting standards" that the kid's Mom has to meet in order to be "good enough" to parent them.

Now I have all kids of issues with this entire exercise. The first being that these kids deserve better than the minimum. The second, that good enough isn't going to cut it with their issues. The hardest part though is being asked to write down a guide to being their parent FOR their parent. Putting my commitment to first reunify a family to the test. It is one thing to suggest ways in which she can be a better parent and to support the goal by not bad mouthing her and encouraging the kids to share their true feelings. It is an entirely different thing to sit down and write a guide for a woman who has yet to grasp the basics after two years.

It wa…

Reader Question: Did You change their names?

Yes we did. We actually started using their new names shortly after their good bye visit with Sheila last August. So the only name that really changed this week was their last name (kind of, one of them actually had our last name). We had started using them so we wouldn't have to try to do a name change mid-school year. Plus the kids had only been in the school the last 1/2 of the year so they didn't know everyone yet. The school was great about going with the new first names.
At some point Simon spontaneously asked his teacher if he could change his name tag on his desk to our last name. He was tired of waiting on the legal stuff. He started to write Simon Almost Last Name on his papers. So we asked all the kids and they asked for the same update. Their report cards and benchmarks still had their legal names. 
The name change was a bit cumbersome at first. We sounded like owls because someone would ask for a person by their birth name and we would all answer "Who?". W…

FAQs

I had some questions asked of me recently that I thought I would answer here:

1) How do you keep doing this after so much crap?
I actually had two different foster moms ask me this. One dealing with a false allegation and one in a kinship case with a pregnant, unstable bio mom.

I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I s…

It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

It started with news that more people in our lives are expecting and today, I just couldn't muster the happiness.  I heard complaints of not feeling well and my ability to plaster the smile on my face just vanished from my body. I left the house to "run an errand" but really I just needed an escape.

All week I've been able to communicate and tell people about Solana leaving without any trouble.  I probably sounded like a PSA for "How to be the role model foster parent".

People were asking:

So will you get to adopt the little one? Is she staying?

Well no, actually.  She is going home in a few weeks. That's the goal of foster care. We are really happy for her dad. He really gets it. We've built a relationship. I'm so glad she doesn't have to go through the pain of adoption or …