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Friday, December 19, 2014


Forgive the stress purge I'm about to have here. This isn't a post to garner sympathy. Rather, it an honest post about the feelings and emotions I'm having. 

Several years ago I was on a medication that caused severe depression.  I began having panic attacks. My anxiety was high and I felt this sick feeling in my stomach and a tightening in my chest all the time.

These symptoms popped up again at times over the years. Like when Jelly Bean was hospitalized and then when the Fab Four went home.

I often feel the anxiety on the way to, and during, court.  I'm usually pretty good about taking the medication prescribed to me prior to times I know are going to trigger the feeling of an elephant on my chest. But this week I found my self trying to take deep breaths throughout my day as a means to feel more comfortable and it finally dawned on me that the anxiety has reached a daily level.

Some of the stress is around good things. Finding a house is awesome and I'm excited but at the same time, I've lived in our current house for 10 years. And we will be carrying the mortgage on the new property and renting our current house but need renters. We feel good we will find them, but what if we don't?

And the new schools, yes schools because the kids will be in 2 different ones, have wacky start times and that's going to make mornings tricky. How am I going to figure that out?

And the adoption has been delayed. Which is okay, but while they have continuances I still have to meet with all these people each month. And my kids are stressed out by the days each week they had their visits with their Mom because she put it in their heads she was going to get extra time. So we had 2 kids pee their beds today. One for the 5th night in a row.

And some of the anxiety is bad.  Our dog has been really sick and while we have gotten him medications to make him feel better, he's still sick and is not expected to survive longer than 2 years, if that.

I'm also feeling guilty about a lack of training for the 1/2 marathon because I've been busy at work. That stops today. The running may help the anxiety and lessen some of the "not enough" guilt I'm feeling.

To those outside of me- I look like I have it together. I plaster a smile on my face and get work done at 11 pm so it's ready for a morning meeting. I usher everyone where they need to go. I lend a hand to those who ask and it seems like I'm okay.

Truth is, I'm really not all that okay today. I really just want to crawl in bed and stay there.  But I can't. And I imagine that's how my Simon feels a lot of the time. And that breaks my heart.


  1. I follow your blog and others. Before I found you guys, I thought I was the only foster parent who experienced high anxiety on a daily basis. I figured, "HOW ON EARTH could these seemingly normal people make it through their days with work and home (and new homes) and foster kids?!" Now I know--we just do. Lately when people ask me how I'm doing (and they aren't asking in general terms), I simply tell them, "Not good." Letting my guard down has really helped a lot. Seeing sympathy in people's faces and getting random hugs has been surprisingly comforting. Of course I can't even type this without a lump in my throat, but knowing that I'm not alone brings a little peace. Keeping you and the whole family in my prayers.

    1. Virtual hug from me! And no, we are not alone. Secondary trauma or care giver fatigue is tough stuff.