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We Don't Have Kids

Ok I'll admit I was a little mean. And it wasn't the woman's fault.

This week I had to go to Babies-R-Us to get a shower gift for a friend of ours. Now as I've stated before right now we don't have fertility issues. We have an autoimmune disorder that won't go into remission and I'm sure the feelings and experience I'm about to share are 1% of what women who go through fertility problems and treatments experience. The person we were buying the gift for had one such struggle and after 8 years of treatments and testing she finally got pregnant - out of nowhere. This couple is apart of our adoption journey as they opened our eyes to the possibility and at one point was had tried to help facilitate a private adoption for them for a baby that was going to be placed as a Safe Haven baby. (The mother changed her mind.)

I was not in the mood to be shopping I was tired and hungry and irked. Irked that my Husband had discussed my lack of going to the store to get a gift with the person receiving it. (I couldn't make the shower.) And the moment I walked in the store and saw all of the pregnant women registering I became annoyed. I tried to keep my feelings in check - Its silly to feel that way no one has told you you'll NEVER have kids. You haven't even tried yet. We couldn't afford a baby now. Don't you love being able to flit here and there and only have to think about who will take care of the Dog? its not always about you - you are here for the baby who has struggled to get here and you should be happy she's home. Then I started with the registry computer and my patience flew right out the door - I couldn't find the registry and then the printer wasn't working. And as I'm swearing under my breath my Honey tapped me on the shoulder. He decided to meet me there to help me out. And I felt better that he was there it was really sweet of him but at the same time I resented that my opportunity to wander the aisles and dream was gone. As we started to walk past the clothes section my heart started to break. All the cute little glittery dresses and shoes for Christmas. The Halloween costumes...the nursery decorations and then the cribs with THE MONKEYS on them.... We found the toys and aisle we were looking for and its safe to say that my Honey had a blast. And really everything was cute. We picked up a bib that said "I'm Stuffed" to go with the toys and headed to the checkout.

Then the inquisition began:
Did you find everything?
Did you need the registry back?
These take batteries. Do you have them?
You sure?
Did you want to open up a charge account and save 20%
You sure?C
an I have your rewards card?
What's your phone number? I can look it up.
You don't have one?
Do you want me to start a card for you? It only takes a drivers license?
Ok Well how about an e-mail address?

To which I answered - "We don't have any children" and then looked away.

Now I know she was just doing her job. I worked 6 years of retail I know that she is just following prompts and that someone at the corporate office thinks its a great idea to annoy the customer as they leave. And I know it sucks to work a Monday Evening. And I hated when customers took their personal issues out on me. Normally, this makes me a very patient and helpful consumer BUT at that moment I just wanted to get the darn transaction over with. I wanted to grab our bag and get the heck out of the store. Those questions wouldn't normally stir up feelings of inadequacy and anger. Fear would not normally bubble to the surface when being asked. Fear of being told I won't be able to have kids, that it will be too late when I'm told I can try, that my disease will not go into remission. Helplessness at this thought that I could be in real pain forever. Fear that if we only adopt no one will throw us a party because they just aren't as excited as we are. Sadness that I can't start a job I feel I'm meant to do, that of Mom. Frustration that I can't keep these feeling in check and then shame that I took it out on the lady.

The rest of the transaction happened in pretty much silence. As we walked out of the store my shame started to creep up. I said to Honey "I'm sorry I just could't take the questions anymore." Now normally he would tell me I was in the wrong but he replied "I was ridiculous."

I didn't share with him my feelings. But I suspect that maybe he was having some of the same ones and it occurs to me as I write this that perhaps I really do have a sensitive soul for a husband.


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