So Long 2015

I have this quote on my desk at work and it sums up how I feel about heading into the new year. There are years that ask questions. 

This year we asked where will we live, what will the goal be, should we take the baby, no really should we take the baby, and what will happen with our jobs, why is my face on fire?

Not much in my life looks the same as it did a year ago. That's not a bad thing. But it did mean quite a lot of stress. But you know what?

We survived. We are stronger. We are together. And we have a bonus kiddo too! 

I think 2016 will be a year that answers questions. Or at least closes a few chapters. I say bring it on! We got this.

Zen...

I'm trying really hard to stay calm through the chaos that is: 1) Christmas 2) Christmas Break 3) Christmas Shopping 4) my busiest time at work when 1/3 of the things I worked on in a year are due back signed and everything is an exception and on fire 4) we added a baby 5) a move anniversary.

Oh and Hubby- he's doing a consulting gig for a company he hopes to get hired for and so he's getting paid hourly and can't take random time off. So I'm trying to stay calm with him also.

So last week when at 5:22pm he called and asked me to get the baby from her daycare instead of him, I agreed. Then I picked up the other four kiddos and we ran home to let the dog out. Hubby was still now anywhere close to being home, so I decided to take the kids to the store for the errand I had to run because I needed some addition teacher gifts for today. (This is the part where I kick myself for not going the night before after a work function, but I didn't want to deal with the largest mall in the state and it was too late to go to the store in the local strip mall center.) 

So I throw the stroller in the car, you tube how to connect the car seat to it, and take 5 children to Bath and Body Works.

If you have ever been in one, you know it's got lots of sensory going on- smells, colors, testers and their tables are piled high and close together with product. My kids love this store. They love all things good smelling and they could spend an hour testing the scents out. 

I had managed to get the extra hand sanitizer and hand lotion I was after and was over in the candles picking out something for the aunts in the family. The kids were standing quietly next to the stroller at the next table over. Just as I was turning to walk the 4 feet back over to them I heard a giant crash. And saw  glass all over the floor. Sarah had knocked over a glass candle and was now frozen and dissociated.

I felt all the eyes in the store turn. Im sure all the other shoppers were thinking "of course it's the lady with 5 kids. Who brings 5 kids into a store with breakables? A Sales Associate appeared (weird because none of them wanted to help the lady with 5 kids who was clearly buying stuff) and was all like it's fine, don't touch the glass. I managed to stay calm and tend to my kiddo experiencing a PTSD trigger who was beginning to cry. Assured her it was ok. It was an accident. We got to the cash register and got out of the store. 

We were all hungry and I made the decision to treat the kids to hot dogs and cheese fries (and myself to chocolate cake) which took an insane 30 minutes in the drive through (this is where I kick myself for not just saying we are having cereal for dinner.)

We got home, fed the baby, ate dinner, and then the girls asked to help wrap the teacher gifts. Trying to stay in my zen mom state, I agreed. I would not say I'm a perfectionist but when I have a task to do, I try to be efficient. It was now 8:30pm, I hadn't peed since 4pm and I was exhausted. I asked Stella to cut some ribbon to length and gave Sarah a task and then Simon wanted to help so I gave him the task of knotting the ribbon. Except that he couldn't because it was too short.

"Stella, when I said cut the ribbon this long, did you use the example to cut the rest?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I mean did you use the example I gave you of how long to cut the ribbon, did you measure the new cuts of ribbon against the example? Because you cut the remaining ribbon.

"No."

And this is the part where the zen Mama took off. I didn't yell but I started explaining that I give directions for a reason and it's very frustrating when those instructions are completely ignored. And it's fine that you made a mistake but we wasted all this ribbon and I was hoping to get this done quickly. 

So she started crying and then Simon started crying. Did I mention I wasn't yelling? And now two kids are crying? I got up and left the room and realized that it was now 9 PM and I had not peed since 3 PM.

So I go back downstairs and sit back at the table and baby Solana is cooing in her rock and play and I say "maybe Mommy will just stop talking. If I don't say anything then everyone will actually be listening". This of course was met with giggles. 

Zen didn't happen on Saturday when I discovered that Sarah took the hand sanitizer out of the shopping bag from the ill fated trip above, and then proceeded to leave them about the house. And then her siblings discovered it and no one told me. There was lots of yelling upon discovery. And a call to my Mom and a call to Hubby to come home. And tears, for all of us, except the baby who slept right through my tantrum. 

This is hard. I don't think it's harder because of the baby (except for the lack of sleep) but it's hard to manage the sabotage, and anxiety, and expectations we put on ourselves to make this time of year special.

Loss

I finished reading the kids' adoption subsidy packets and flipped over to Facebook to vent about it. In my feed was a post from a friend of mine that is going to the hospital tomorrow to have their baby who has a genetic disorder and will not survive very long after he is born. I'm so sad for their family. And it makes me even angrier that people are able to have multiple babies that they neglect and abuse. My Mama Bear is roaring under the surface. So wrong. So unfair. 

Will you say a prayer for my friends? Their entire family is about to go through a loss that many of us understand all to well. Pray they get supported through this and have space to talk/or not talk about the loss of their son. 

What the Kids Understand

Smiley's teacher let me know that she told her "we adopted a baby but I don't know why" last week. So we sat down to talk about Solana's placement again and then the next day in family therapy.

I forget that the kids need to hear information over and over. So even though we explained the day she came why she was coming, they need us to repeat it. We also needed to correct some of their assumptions like: she's getting adopted, she's leaving soon, her arrival will slow down their adoption, she lived with Sheila.

We did explain that Solana is in foster care and that the judge in her case has made the goal return home to "Mommy" or Solana's Biological Dad. We did tell them that when Solana was in Sheila's tummy she made some choices that were unsafe like being in a relationship with someone who hit her and not doing her "homework" that the judge gave her so Solana never lived with "Mommy". We told them that Solana's Bio Dad has never had any children and so the judge gave him things he has to learn. We explained that the friend of Mommy's who was caring for Solana decided she couldn't take care of her anymore and that we wanted Solana to be safe and we knew she would be safe and lived at our house. The kids of course wanted to know if she will be adopted so we and the therapist reiterated that we don't know yet but that if we are asked to we will definitely adopt her. We left it that Solana will either live here or will go to a safe parent. 

Sarah began to cry during our session. She was trying to hold it in but I noticed. After a little while she to us they were happy tears that her sister was safe with us. That kid loves this little sister something fierce and it's a quality I adore in her. It's one I recognize in myself and it reminds me that she is mine, no matter who birthed her.

It's 2 weeks in. Too early but this is the right step no matter what comes at us. But 2 weeks in and Sheila has cancels her visit this week and it wasn't a cancellation that will allow it to be made up. From Facebook I see a new boyfriend and while it disappointments me so much I hope that Solana will find permanency much more swiftly than my other kiddos.