The time is now 9:00 pm.
And I have just sent my 4 children upstairs to bed. For the first time in over a month we had a full day without tantrums, melt downs, tears, or time outs. We got homework done, some of tomorrows homework done, ate dinner where my kids volunteered to eat salad and even snuck in 30 minutes of relaxation time. If only every night were like tonight. But tomorrow starts ice skating lessons for Jelly Bean. Therapy and more therapy. And caseworker left me a voicemail that she'll try to forward me the new family therapy/visit schedule. I hate to say it but I don't put a lot of stock in it now. Will it stay this way a week? Three?Whatever. I am just going to carry forward with what we have to do. What's meant to be will. Right now I'm just going to bask in the peace and quiet of today.
Could we just pick one schedule please?
You'll have to forgive me. I had two of these at our date night tonight and I'm a little sleepy. It is 8 pm and way too early for bedtime. We have been trying to get some normalcy in our lives. And by trying I mean desperately seeking it out. One of the things we need is time to be a couple. And after a lot of bickering this week I decided to book a babysitter and plan a date night letting Hubby see a movie he wanted. We treated ourselves to the fancy theater where they allow cocktails in the theater, your seat is a recliner with a pillow and a blanket and a waiter will bring your food to you. It's so comfortable that I fell asleep for a few minutes. Maybe it was the drinks. I don't know. Nor do I care. A nap is a nap and since I only had three hours of sleep last night I needed one.
The kids had their visit today. Gabby went. The family therapist who we thought was going to be saying goodbye was there. For 5 minutes said the kids. Then she said she would see them on Wednesday. Wednesday? Um didn't Mom tell her?
So I text the case worker. Oh yeah Mom called yesterday and said she wasn't going to continue the job.
So what she gets a job in time for court and then quits? We've just rearranged out schedule again. Are we going to be expected to put it back again? Sorry. This is where I draw the line. How are we supposed to provide stability for these kids when she changes it every few weeks? We've already given up planning long term things because we have no idea what's going to happen now we have to give up short term planning too?
Sorry. I'm done living based on her whims. I will be sending an email out Monday. Kids are not available on x,y,z days since the schedule keeps changing and she is not working she can work around our schedule now.
The kids had their visit today. Gabby went. The family therapist who we thought was going to be saying goodbye was there. For 5 minutes said the kids. Then she said she would see them on Wednesday. Wednesday? Um didn't Mom tell her?
So I text the case worker. Oh yeah Mom called yesterday and said she wasn't going to continue the job.
So what she gets a job in time for court and then quits? We've just rearranged out schedule again. Are we going to be expected to put it back again? Sorry. This is where I draw the line. How are we supposed to provide stability for these kids when she changes it every few weeks? We've already given up planning long term things because we have no idea what's going to happen now we have to give up short term planning too?
Sorry. I'm done living based on her whims. I will be sending an email out Monday. Kids are not available on x,y,z days since the schedule keeps changing and she is not working she can work around our schedule now.
That's the Story of Love
I've always been a fan of Bette Midler. The Rose is one of my favorite songs. And her version of In My Life beats the Beatles hands down in my opinion. I've even seen her twice in concert. My Hubby played hooky worked from home today so I got to take his car which has an IPod jack in it. I was feeling kind of down. I think Friday's court date had a lot to do with it. As much as I help my kids process and deal with emotion I also sometimes need some space to do that too. As the Mom you don't often get the chance to rage and cry to let it all out. And since I listen to raging and crying on a daily basis sometimes I'm jealous that I don't get to do the same. My kids have not seen their Mother in over a week and had three appointments with her cancelled last week.
So listening to this song on my iPod this morning on my way to work I sang my HEART OUT.
You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each other's arms.
You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
And like most things it made me think of my kids. How we have good and bad and that its all part of this madness called life. Sometimes you have to let things go and "roll by". That the world sometimes doesn't care and sometimes all you have left are eachother. (Like when judges think kids vomitting each time they see their Mother should continue visiting said Mother.)
This reminder of what love takes was especially important tonight as Jelly Bean struggled big time with her reading homework. Trauma Brain took over before she even got started. "I'm never going to finish. The book is too big. My teacher gave me too many books to read. I am stupid. I'm never going to be able to get my chores done." She was ok for a while as she sat within 5 feet of me while I was making dinner. Gabby was having an off night and so she was needing homework assistance - and Little Mama is actually still up doing homework as I type this at 11:15 PM because she has no idea how to take a main idea, give examples and tie together with a concluding sentence. We've been working on this assignment for 2 hours. Did you know the rulers of the Han Dynasty allowed art and scholarship to flourish and created a Chinese Dictionary? Now you know.But I digress.....
Jelly Bean started to escalate her behavior. When I looked over and saw the ugly cry face I knew it was going ot get rough.
"Jelly Bean if you need a break you can go up to your room until you are ready to work"
"Noooo. (Gets up - Stomp stomp stomp up the staris as crying and screamining begins.) I'm soo stupid. I HATE this family."
In my head I'm going ok not just about homework. This is also about family.
"You need to try that agian." (We don't allow stomping and screaming up the stairs. If you are dismissed to your room you may go and cry and scream in there but you will not stomp up the stairs.)
"Oh my GOOOSHHSHHSH" as she comes down the stairs quietly and goes back up quietly. Then the wailing begins.
Now please believe me when I tell you my 8 year old sounds like a baby crying that can't be soothed. An up in the middle of the night I need to be fed/have a fever/colic cry that does not stop. She went a good 15 minutes before I heard, "Mommy...help me.....Mommy..."
Tomorrow (meaning in 30 minutes) will be one year that Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk have lived here. We made the mistake (yes I said mistake) of telling her last week this factoid. Why is it a mistake? Well because even though I find joy in this milestone she find pain. Because even though I'm happy we are a family she is not. She is concerned we will move her too. She is worried her mother won't get her back. She feels safe and this is super scary to a kid used to operating in choas (although I would consider our lives quite choatic it is nowhere near the level she lived in).
I went up the stairs and found her lying in her bed. I called to her softly. I looked at her with soft eyes. I stretched out my hand. "Jelly Bean, honey, Mommy is here. Come to me. Let me pick you up." She cowered in the corner of the bed. I was able to get my arms under her arm pits and lift her up like a toddler. I pulled her into my lap and rocked her agianst my chest like a baby. She almost instantly calmed and quieted. I murmered. You are loved. You are safe over and over. Hubby came in and gently asked her what was wrong.
"I miss my Mom. I miss my Uncle. I talked about my Uncle with Mr. Social Worker at lunch today. He had us draw something that makes us sad. I drew my Uncle's grave."
Today I saw it coming. Today I was able to keep calm because she needed me to do that. I was able to keep at it with Little Mama for almost 2 hours. And recognize in the process how far we've come since the begining of the school year.
And now in an up date to this post the family therapist emailed back today. Sorry for the confusion about the email address. It is unethical to discuss clients conditions over email (Um I work with 3 other therapists and a case worker who ask me to email updates about how everyone is doing and you've thanked me for all the emails I've sent you but ok.). I think everyone wants to help this family and this mission will be best served if everyone sticks to their roles.
So listening to this song on my iPod this morning on my way to work I sang my HEART OUT.
You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each other's arms.
You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
And like most things it made me think of my kids. How we have good and bad and that its all part of this madness called life. Sometimes you have to let things go and "roll by". That the world sometimes doesn't care and sometimes all you have left are eachother. (Like when judges think kids vomitting each time they see their Mother should continue visiting said Mother.)
This reminder of what love takes was especially important tonight as Jelly Bean struggled big time with her reading homework. Trauma Brain took over before she even got started. "I'm never going to finish. The book is too big. My teacher gave me too many books to read. I am stupid. I'm never going to be able to get my chores done." She was ok for a while as she sat within 5 feet of me while I was making dinner. Gabby was having an off night and so she was needing homework assistance - and Little Mama is actually still up doing homework as I type this at 11:15 PM because she has no idea how to take a main idea, give examples and tie together with a concluding sentence. We've been working on this assignment for 2 hours. Did you know the rulers of the Han Dynasty allowed art and scholarship to flourish and created a Chinese Dictionary? Now you know.But I digress.....
Jelly Bean started to escalate her behavior. When I looked over and saw the ugly cry face I knew it was going ot get rough.
"Jelly Bean if you need a break you can go up to your room until you are ready to work"
"Noooo. (Gets up - Stomp stomp stomp up the staris as crying and screamining begins.) I'm soo stupid. I HATE this family."
In my head I'm going ok not just about homework. This is also about family.
"You need to try that agian." (We don't allow stomping and screaming up the stairs. If you are dismissed to your room you may go and cry and scream in there but you will not stomp up the stairs.)
"Oh my GOOOSHHSHHSH" as she comes down the stairs quietly and goes back up quietly. Then the wailing begins.
Now please believe me when I tell you my 8 year old sounds like a baby crying that can't be soothed. An up in the middle of the night I need to be fed/have a fever/colic cry that does not stop. She went a good 15 minutes before I heard, "Mommy...help me.....Mommy..."
Tomorrow (meaning in 30 minutes) will be one year that Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk have lived here. We made the mistake (yes I said mistake) of telling her last week this factoid. Why is it a mistake? Well because even though I find joy in this milestone she find pain. Because even though I'm happy we are a family she is not. She is concerned we will move her too. She is worried her mother won't get her back. She feels safe and this is super scary to a kid used to operating in choas (although I would consider our lives quite choatic it is nowhere near the level she lived in).
I went up the stairs and found her lying in her bed. I called to her softly. I looked at her with soft eyes. I stretched out my hand. "Jelly Bean, honey, Mommy is here. Come to me. Let me pick you up." She cowered in the corner of the bed. I was able to get my arms under her arm pits and lift her up like a toddler. I pulled her into my lap and rocked her agianst my chest like a baby. She almost instantly calmed and quieted. I murmered. You are loved. You are safe over and over. Hubby came in and gently asked her what was wrong.
"I miss my Mom. I miss my Uncle. I talked about my Uncle with Mr. Social Worker at lunch today. He had us draw something that makes us sad. I drew my Uncle's grave."
Today I saw it coming. Today I was able to keep calm because she needed me to do that. I was able to keep at it with Little Mama for almost 2 hours. And recognize in the process how far we've come since the begining of the school year.
And now in an up date to this post the family therapist emailed back today. Sorry for the confusion about the email address. It is unethical to discuss clients conditions over email (Um I work with 3 other therapists and a case worker who ask me to email updates about how everyone is doing and you've thanked me for all the emails I've sent you but ok.). I think everyone wants to help this family and this mission will be best served if everyone sticks to their roles.
- I didn't discuss specific conditions - I said setting these appointmenst with this conflict is going to cause backlash. You want to walk into a session with 3 angry kids who once agian got jipped in the fun, normal activity department be my guest. Personally, I'd want the heads up.
- What role are you playing? You told the kids to lie to me.
- What do you think my role is. Oh thats right I'm just the foster parent. I mean nothing. I'm just supposed to handle all the appointments, tears, anger, sadness, anxiety, hospitalizations, changes to our schedule, Mom's new work schedules and sit back and put a smile on my face as if everything is peachy. I'm supposed to support reunification and Mom and apparently that means turning a blind eye to all of the issues like everyone else. Sorry I didn't go to that training class. I went to the one where I was told I was supposed to work as part of a team to help a family but first and foremost I am to 1) advocate for my foster kids 2) keep them safe.
Crushed
So we had the status hearing yesterday. I bravely told the judge what Gabby was feeling- she's done. She's vomiting. She doesn't want to go home. She doesn't want to have visits. The judge basically said too bad. The goal is return home. Despite a psychiatrist recommendation and her therapists supporting her assertiveness she told me the child doesn't get to hold the power and will need to see her mother. The judge feels Mom is doing well and is making progress. Although we found out the changes to the therapy schedule are due to a job Mom got-3 hours away and she will be staying with a friend and coming back on the weekends. So no more Friday family therapy and no more individual visits. The only day she is now available to see her kids is Saturday.
But the judge made it clear. Goal is return home. So now shell be spending less Tim with them. Family Therapy will have to be put on hold until a weekend provider can be found. Isn't that stepping backwards?
So we spoke with case worker about the mandate for Gabby. Basically she said Mom doesn't notice her feelings because she hasn't lived with her for 19 months. And it's easy for me since I live with her. I really wanted to scream.
Well how the HELL is it going to change of you can't find a Spanish speaking parenting coach, and the visit supervisor isn't qualified and Saturday is the only day that any of this can be worked on?
Then We talked about getting Gabby to change her run away coping mechanism. Um excuse me but why is it up to the 9 year old to change. Why aren't we putting the responsibility on Mom to learn about her kids? Oh yeah that's right because she can't learn that and hasn't in 19 months. Heck she didn't learn in 9 years.
And the psych eval that was rumored to disclose a personality disorder only made the court empathize with her more. Apparently, they missed the part where it says you can't recover or take medication for a personality disorder. That they require extensive therapy in order to fit in to society. Oh and that caring for deeply traumatized children is hard selfless work. Work that this disorder will prevent her from being able to do.
I know I shouldn't get worked up because she's not likely to keep this job. Her track recorded isn't great. And 3 hours away doesn't seem very promising. And leaves very little time or space for transition if and when that happens. I get she's got to pay her bills but doesn't she also need to worry about getting her kids back too?
I know unfair. I'm sure she's plenty worried but it doesn't feel like that. And how many years is this judge going to give her to do this? I really don't know how 6 months is going to make a difference. Especially if therapy has to start over and she's spending less time with her kids.
But the judge made it clear. Goal is return home. So now shell be spending less Tim with them. Family Therapy will have to be put on hold until a weekend provider can be found. Isn't that stepping backwards?
So we spoke with case worker about the mandate for Gabby. Basically she said Mom doesn't notice her feelings because she hasn't lived with her for 19 months. And it's easy for me since I live with her. I really wanted to scream.
Well how the HELL is it going to change of you can't find a Spanish speaking parenting coach, and the visit supervisor isn't qualified and Saturday is the only day that any of this can be worked on?
Then We talked about getting Gabby to change her run away coping mechanism. Um excuse me but why is it up to the 9 year old to change. Why aren't we putting the responsibility on Mom to learn about her kids? Oh yeah that's right because she can't learn that and hasn't in 19 months. Heck she didn't learn in 9 years.
And the psych eval that was rumored to disclose a personality disorder only made the court empathize with her more. Apparently, they missed the part where it says you can't recover or take medication for a personality disorder. That they require extensive therapy in order to fit in to society. Oh and that caring for deeply traumatized children is hard selfless work. Work that this disorder will prevent her from being able to do.
I know I shouldn't get worked up because she's not likely to keep this job. Her track recorded isn't great. And 3 hours away doesn't seem very promising. And leaves very little time or space for transition if and when that happens. I get she's got to pay her bills but doesn't she also need to worry about getting her kids back too?
I know unfair. I'm sure she's plenty worried but it doesn't feel like that. And how many years is this judge going to give her to do this? I really don't know how 6 months is going to make a difference. Especially if therapy has to start over and she's spending less time with her kids.
Playing Nice in the Sandbox
Sometimes it's really hard for me to not play dirty in the sandbox. The "team" approach to foster care is more than a little one sided and in my opinion the weighted side is not the right side. Maybe it's because I deal with (on a daily basis) the result of severe abuse. Maybe it's because when my 2nd grader asked me if she could join Girl Scouts it broke my heart because it would interfere with therapy and visits. Maybe because for a year I've been jumping up and down going please help these kids and the people who are supposed to be in charge of doing that have no problem ignoring me. Maybe it's because the person asking me to go above and beyond and play in the sandbox is also the one not including me in play time.
Because they way I look at it-4/5 of the family affected by these decisions are in my home. They are the reason that DCFS is in charge. They were the ones that got hurt and from my view they are the ones being asked to give up the most and do the majority of the shoveling.
Mom got (another) new job. Great! I hope this one hoes more than 2 weeks. And like last time it moved around their appointment schedule. But since we have such a packed schedule we fit lots of things in when we can. A school function is planned for the same night as a new family therapy session. I'm notified of the new schedule via email. We write back on mm/dd the kids were looking forward to going this is going to cause backlash. (Not to mention sets up family therapy to be stressful.)
Case worker (surprise) does not respond. Family therapist (who we discovered this week told the kids to not tell us about eating at therapy and therefore broke the trust of the kids) writes back. Caseworker- it's very hard to work this way.
Did she send it to the caseworker? Nope. She emailed it to foster Mom.
I had several reactions. The first was forget you. The second one was yeah? Try living this way, Maybe then we could talk. Third F U you've only met them 6 times in 5 months and from the looks of this schedule you are taking another 5 week vacation next month.
I forwarded the email on. Caseworker- if family therapist prefers I can leave her off our communications. However we needed further direction. (Because your communication skills are seriously lacking.)
Has Mom rearranged her life for her children? No. And asking her too is like suggesting we kill puppies or something. Have the kids and foster parents rearranged their life for Mom? At least every month. Want to go away for the weekend? Can't Mom has a job this week and visits got switched to all day Saturday. Want to go to the pumpkin patch? Delay an hour kids are still stressing from yesterday's visit.
I think after a certain period of time if the patents aren't working their asses off to get their kids back the clock should run out. That this minimal standard stuff be eliminated. Perhaps then we wouldn't waste the time, money, and resources and further let the kids be harmed while this process drags out. I figure with in 3 years the state will have spent 1/2 million on terminating this persons parental rights between dcfs, court, daycare, foster parent subsidy, medical, and therapy. Someone who has no legal right to be in this country.
Because they way I look at it-4/5 of the family affected by these decisions are in my home. They are the reason that DCFS is in charge. They were the ones that got hurt and from my view they are the ones being asked to give up the most and do the majority of the shoveling.
Mom got (another) new job. Great! I hope this one hoes more than 2 weeks. And like last time it moved around their appointment schedule. But since we have such a packed schedule we fit lots of things in when we can. A school function is planned for the same night as a new family therapy session. I'm notified of the new schedule via email. We write back on mm/dd the kids were looking forward to going this is going to cause backlash. (Not to mention sets up family therapy to be stressful.)
Case worker (surprise) does not respond. Family therapist (who we discovered this week told the kids to not tell us about eating at therapy and therefore broke the trust of the kids) writes back. Caseworker- it's very hard to work this way.
Did she send it to the caseworker? Nope. She emailed it to foster Mom.
I had several reactions. The first was forget you. The second one was yeah? Try living this way, Maybe then we could talk. Third F U you've only met them 6 times in 5 months and from the looks of this schedule you are taking another 5 week vacation next month.
I forwarded the email on. Caseworker- if family therapist prefers I can leave her off our communications. However we needed further direction. (Because your communication skills are seriously lacking.)
Has Mom rearranged her life for her children? No. And asking her too is like suggesting we kill puppies or something. Have the kids and foster parents rearranged their life for Mom? At least every month. Want to go away for the weekend? Can't Mom has a job this week and visits got switched to all day Saturday. Want to go to the pumpkin patch? Delay an hour kids are still stressing from yesterday's visit.
I think after a certain period of time if the patents aren't working their asses off to get their kids back the clock should run out. That this minimal standard stuff be eliminated. Perhaps then we wouldn't waste the time, money, and resources and further let the kids be harmed while this process drags out. I figure with in 3 years the state will have spent 1/2 million on terminating this persons parental rights between dcfs, court, daycare, foster parent subsidy, medical, and therapy. Someone who has no legal right to be in this country.
Line in the Sand
Friday night I worked late. Hubby handled the kids and it was just about bedtime. I kissed them all good night and when I got to Gabby I noticed something was wrong. I asked her what and she replies "I'm mad at Dad."
So I take her downstairs to talk to Dad.
Gabby why are you upset with me?
You hit me in the head with the carrots.
(I imagine carrots being chucked across the dinner table.)
I was trying to get you to talk and laugh. You were ignoring me.
But it hurt. You hit me in the head.
At some point I interrupted this exchange and found out it was a bag of carrots. Gabby was mad because Hubby asked her to stop asking so many questions while they were watching a cooking show. Then she decided she wasn't going to talk to him the rest of the evening. So he playful swatted her with a bag of carrots and she felt he had hit her in the head with the purpose of hurting her.
Dad apologized (swears to me later the bag hit her shoulder) Magie started crying. I pointed out that on any other day she would have swatted him back. Her incessant question asking was anxiety. Why? Because she had a visit the next day. I asked her how she was feeling about tomorrow. She told me I need to have the toilet ready for when she gets home.
Then she let loose. Doesn't want to have individual visits with Mom. Doesn't want to go to regular visits because she is ignored and then goes and throws up and goes and hides in a box without anyone noticing.
So I call the case worker. No answer. So I text her. She texts back she can't force the child to go.
So in the morning I hear Gabby in the bathroom. My late sleeper was up before everyone else. I found her in her bunk. Asked her how she was feeling. Sick she said. So I relayed that we couldn't force her to go of she didn't want to. She asked to stay home.
Hubby was not happy I so readily allowed her to stay. He accused me of trying to keep her from her Mom and allowing her to run away from her problems without confronting them.
Probably true. But I couldn't watch my happy most adjusted kid throw up that day. Her body is clearly trying to tell us something her mouth won't. If missing that visit made her feel better I was ok with that. Just like if Jelly Bean needed a break in the hospital I was ok too.
So after the other kids left (with the notebook that I wrote in to say that Gabby wasn't coming because she was throwing up every time she sees her Mom and does therapy with her sisters) and Hubby and I argued about the situation I got Gabby breakfast. I asked her if she was still ok with not going. She said "No".
Uh oh? Why not?
Because Dad doesn't want me here.
Oh my? So we go explain it's that he doesn't want her to run away from her problems. So we strike a compromise with her. She can continue to make the choice about going or not going as long as she works with her therapy team to address some of these issues.
So I take her downstairs to talk to Dad.
Gabby why are you upset with me?
You hit me in the head with the carrots.
(I imagine carrots being chucked across the dinner table.)
I was trying to get you to talk and laugh. You were ignoring me.
But it hurt. You hit me in the head.
At some point I interrupted this exchange and found out it was a bag of carrots. Gabby was mad because Hubby asked her to stop asking so many questions while they were watching a cooking show. Then she decided she wasn't going to talk to him the rest of the evening. So he playful swatted her with a bag of carrots and she felt he had hit her in the head with the purpose of hurting her.
Dad apologized (swears to me later the bag hit her shoulder) Magie started crying. I pointed out that on any other day she would have swatted him back. Her incessant question asking was anxiety. Why? Because she had a visit the next day. I asked her how she was feeling about tomorrow. She told me I need to have the toilet ready for when she gets home.
Then she let loose. Doesn't want to have individual visits with Mom. Doesn't want to go to regular visits because she is ignored and then goes and throws up and goes and hides in a box without anyone noticing.
So I call the case worker. No answer. So I text her. She texts back she can't force the child to go.
So in the morning I hear Gabby in the bathroom. My late sleeper was up before everyone else. I found her in her bunk. Asked her how she was feeling. Sick she said. So I relayed that we couldn't force her to go of she didn't want to. She asked to stay home.
Hubby was not happy I so readily allowed her to stay. He accused me of trying to keep her from her Mom and allowing her to run away from her problems without confronting them.
Probably true. But I couldn't watch my happy most adjusted kid throw up that day. Her body is clearly trying to tell us something her mouth won't. If missing that visit made her feel better I was ok with that. Just like if Jelly Bean needed a break in the hospital I was ok too.
So after the other kids left (with the notebook that I wrote in to say that Gabby wasn't coming because she was throwing up every time she sees her Mom and does therapy with her sisters) and Hubby and I argued about the situation I got Gabby breakfast. I asked her if she was still ok with not going. She said "No".
Uh oh? Why not?
Because Dad doesn't want me here.
Oh my? So we go explain it's that he doesn't want her to run away from her problems. So we strike a compromise with her. She can continue to make the choice about going or not going as long as she works with her therapy team to address some of these issues.
Wait, I can write about other stuff?
In one of those "Ah Ha the Light Bulb Went On" moments I realized today that this is my blog and I can do what I want with it. Genious, I know. I don't know if I've shared this here before but I actually write two blogs. This one about my adventures as a Mom and another one about living with an incurable illness.
Today, I was brain storming some ways in which to make my much too hectic life a little less crazy. Mainly because yesterday when I was planning to go to the grocery store I instead had to be a Mama helping to heal trauma. That's the thing about trauma - it tends to creep up out of nowhere and steal our moments away. Can't get to the grocery store? Ridiculous. But see I worked 8:00AM-6:30 PM with a 40 minute commute. Hubby picked the kids up and I arrived home at 7:15 to help finish homework and eat dinner. Case Worker and therapists come over tomorrow so I had to straighten the house and then it was bed time and then 30 minutes later it was "get your butt into bed" time. Somewhere I managed 10 minutes to go to the bathroom and read.
So I decided to google some meal plan ideas and came across all of these Mom Blogs. Wait there are Mom's who just blog? About Meal plans, crafts, and organization?? It will not help my schedule issues if my list of blogs to follow grows daily. (Ijustify that its research.) None the less I found some helpful information and as I put it to use I will write about it here. Because many of the people who read my blog are busy parents and perhaps it will help you too.
I've also decided that I'm going to accomplish one small goal each day, at least. Today it was to get the grocery shopping done. So I hopped on-line and placed my first order with Pea Pod. I was pleased to discover that the prices were only slightly more expensive, I get free delivery for the first 60 days, and the on-line coupon code I found gave me an extra $15 off my order. By 7PM tomorrow my groceries will be at my door. Even better I watched The Good Wife while hanging out with my Hubby. Lots of multi-tasking! The benefit of grocery shopping from my computer? I can go check the fridge/pantry to see if we have what I was going to add.
I have one more goal for the week. Go to bed 15 minutes earlier than I did the day before and get up 15 minutes earlier. This is an attempt to work in some morning work outs. I have 40 pounds I want to drop before we go on our next Disney Trip in May. You'll be hearing about this too.
Foster parenting IS different than parenting
A lot of the time people (co-workers, therapists, my mother) try to reassure us that our kids act and do things just like other kids. Sometimes it's hard to know/realize/remember that a lot of the time they do act like kids who live with their natural parents and who didn't get severly traumatized.
And then we have days like today when it becomes glaringly obvious that the 4 kids in front of me ARE different and so is parenting them. My husband and I just finished watching the "Freakonomics" documentary on Showtime based on the best selling book. We both read the book and this was kind of a visual aid to the economist view of the world. For those of you who know nothing about the book the authors explain interesting theories by analyzing data- success rates for kids with decidedly "black" names vs white names, a case study of brothers named Winner and Loser, that Roe v Wade may have been at least half responsible for a 30% drop in crime in the 90s, etc. There is one study where they see if bribing 9th graders with $50 a month and a chance to Winn $500 if they are getting c a d above would make more kids pass the grade. In the scene the Mom and the son are discussing homework. She asks him if he read the book and he says yes. Then she asks Agian a different way and he insists that yes he read the book. Then she asks did he read it cover to cover: NO.
We had a very similar exchange with LM tonight about her homework being completed at her visit. Yes she was done but she needed 5 minutes to complete. Huh? If you are done why do you need 5 minutes. And if it was 5 minutes why wasn't it done at your visit? My Mom couldn't help me. Did you ask her? No. Why not? I didn't have my book. So 5 minutes wouldn't have mattered either? You didn't get your homework finished. Yes I did.
Love the circular logic kids use. Very much like the boy on the documentary. Except he was worried about his social life and being grounded. The hold in from of me was worried about stressing out her Mother, getting hit, and never returning to her home. We spent nearly an hour getting her calm and discussing the importance of being truthful and giving her Mom the CHANCE to parent her.
Then she laid out that in her first session with the family therapist she agreed with an incorrect version of how her finger was broken so her Mom wouldn't get in trouble. That was in August. Well at least she learned from the discussion but now we have to correct the version of events and either the very detailed accept LM gave is wrong or Mom's BS story about playing a game is. My money is on my kid. Which means either Mom lied or she's delusional.
Proud of you kiddo for correcting your story. A normal action for all kids but this one could save her life.
Visit Days
We are just about to hit the year mark of being parents. People often remark about how much our lives must have changed in such a short period of time. They are correct. Weekdays used to consist of work and volunteer activities, evenings of tv and reading. Weekends were lazy days sleeping in and running errands before movie marathons at the theater and nights out with friends. Poker games and sporting events. Yearly trips to Las Vegas.
Today (Saturday)I woke up at 6:15am after going to bed at 10:30pm. The dog annoyed me until I got up to let him out at 6:30. I had 30 minutes to kill before I had to get the kids up for their visit. Saturdays they get picked up between 7:15 and 7:30 to drive an hour to their Mom's house where they spend 5 hours with their Mom and the supervisor and then drive an hour home. The kids get cagey if the driver is late. She didn't show up until 7:45. LM was able to kick up quite the attitude by then. First, I made her change because what she was wearing was something more appropriate for summer. Then I reminded her to get her homework together. Oy! That brought out the "looks could kill" face and the silent treatment and storming to the car. I know she hates bringing her homework. I know that gets in the way of all the TV and fingernail painting that Mom does with her. But the caseworker suggested it and I fully support it. How are we going to see that they are able to return home if we can't get homework done? The real reason she hates it though is that its a reminder of how much Mom has NOT changed. That LM is still going to be responsible for helping her siblings - which she resents and that there is no one who can help her. And the kid is terrified that the frustration and stress brought on by homework with herself, and her siblings will cause Mom to loose it and her dream of going home will go out the window.
(And ok - part of me resents that their Mom dictates so much of my life and it seems only fair that she has to do ONE thing that I battle with them daiily about since I'm the target of all the other attitude and screaming.But I signed up for this so I'm not allowed to say that out loud right?)
We'll see if she kept her promise of Chucky Cheese. I already heard rumblings from LM that they might go to McDonald's instead. Hopefully the drama when they get home will be minimal today.
Reaching Out
I read quite a few blogs. These people that I have never met have become my life line in a world where I feel totally alone at times. One of them Last Mom, was awarded a blogger award this week because what she writes is awesome. One of the blogs she chose to highlight as a stipulation of her award, was Gold to Refine who is creating a "Find a Friend" program for people to connect who might be near each other. I loved this idea so I signed up. Thank you both for reaching out to help others in their journey. You touch the lives of so many more children because of your blogs.
Being a foster parent can be lonely. People who have never been exposed to adoption or foster care or adoption through foster care often have no clue about what my life is like as a foster parent hoping to adopt someday. I admit I had no clue a year ago that this is what my life would look like. Or that I would often feel so completely foreign in places other Moms seem totally at ease. I imagine I sometimes feel like my kids do - out of place, abnormal, unsure. I'm not a person who often worries what other people think of them but I do want to belong. In my role as a Mom, I still feel like an outsider. I write this blog to feel less alone. To feel like what we are doing matters to someone, somewhere. I also write what is real and in my heart and so that others feel less alone and less outside. Thanks for reading!
Being a foster parent can be lonely. People who have never been exposed to adoption or foster care or adoption through foster care often have no clue about what my life is like as a foster parent hoping to adopt someday. I admit I had no clue a year ago that this is what my life would look like. Or that I would often feel so completely foreign in places other Moms seem totally at ease. I imagine I sometimes feel like my kids do - out of place, abnormal, unsure. I'm not a person who often worries what other people think of them but I do want to belong. In my role as a Mom, I still feel like an outsider. I write this blog to feel less alone. To feel like what we are doing matters to someone, somewhere. I also write what is real and in my heart and so that others feel less alone and less outside. Thanks for reading!
When an 8 year old acts like an infant...
Jelly Bean still continued to struggle. Anxiety meds have still not been approved. She woke up this morning with a bad attitude and somewhere between 6:30am and 6:50 decided to hit her sister with a brush (which is unusual as sh never seems to actually use the brush on her HAIR) and then proceeded to battle it out with Hubby in a rousing game of "Melt Down Mania". She told him recently a way to help her when she's tantruming is to mirror her so she can see how out of control she is. I think it's BD and obnoxious but it was a Power Struggle this morning and Hubby and are extremely consistent in our discipline. So she started to wail and scream and he did exactly what she did. 20 minutes later I had had enough and told her her attitude better change getting into the car or it was straight to bed after school.
She was upset because he wanted her to eat breakfast. Now the rule is you have to provide reasonable food and time to eat it. You cannot force the kid to eat. So we provided, gave her time and she chose to not eat. Oh well she'll learn that lesson when she gets hungry.
Then the minute she stepped in her room when we got home tonight the tantrum started. Banging her head against the dresser. I explained the choices stop screaming or go to bed. She calmed a bit then took aim at her little brother and I had to step in. I repeated the choices. Stop screaming or go to bed. And off she went. After 25 minutes and LM coming home in the middle of it I got her to comply with my request to go lay on her bed and scream. After anoth 20 minutes she fell asleep. Apparently waking up terrified that we had left her home alone. Hubby had come home and I had run an errand. When I got home she cried about how scared she was that she was never going to see me Agian and how sorry she was for calling me a loser, a freak, and telling me she hated me.
I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I hoped next time she'd use her tools and words.
She's just a little girl but when she cries like that it's like an infant who can't be soothed.
She was upset because he wanted her to eat breakfast. Now the rule is you have to provide reasonable food and time to eat it. You cannot force the kid to eat. So we provided, gave her time and she chose to not eat. Oh well she'll learn that lesson when she gets hungry.
Then the minute she stepped in her room when we got home tonight the tantrum started. Banging her head against the dresser. I explained the choices stop screaming or go to bed. She calmed a bit then took aim at her little brother and I had to step in. I repeated the choices. Stop screaming or go to bed. And off she went. After 25 minutes and LM coming home in the middle of it I got her to comply with my request to go lay on her bed and scream. After anoth 20 minutes she fell asleep. Apparently waking up terrified that we had left her home alone. Hubby had come home and I had run an errand. When I got home she cried about how scared she was that she was never going to see me Agian and how sorry she was for calling me a loser, a freak, and telling me she hated me.
I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I hoped next time she'd use her tools and words.
She's just a little girl but when she cries like that it's like an infant who can't be soothed.
Incredulous
That's the vocabulary word I would use to describe Little Mama over a comment her Mom made at their last visit. The visit where they were "supposed" to celebrate Christmas. At the visit where they painted finger nails AGIAN while Mr. Mohawk watched tv and was ignored. LM was discussing my brother and referred to him as Uncle Serious when Mom stopped her and said "he isn't your real uncle, they aren't really your family. I am your family. You have real family and it isn't them."
When discussing this LM said that this wasn't fair of her Mom to say. She lives with us. We take care of her. She thinks that we feel like family, we act like family. She wants to think of us like family. She later told her therapist that her Mom should be grateful as "they are taking care of HER FOUR kids."
OUCH.
Bio Mom continued this path of proving she really her Mom by discussing tampons with her at her individual visit tonight while they were out at a restaurant telling her she was going to buy them for her so she would be prepared. Now this kid is 11 a victim of sexual abuse by not one but two of Mom's boyfriends. She is nowhere near ready to get her period per her physician and freaked when the female doc touched her back. I'm glad she's concerned about her being prepared but tampons are not the way to go for this child or any child at the age of 11. (Maybe if they were a competitive athlete or something but I still think it's too young.) I just want to say to her look- I get it but if you want to be her mother get your act together. Worry about keeping a job, learning some skills, dealing with consistent discipline and when it's closer to reunification then we'll sit down and I'll fill you in on where they are at and what they have been taught.
As it is she took this kid to dinner and shopping while the other 3 got nothing special on their individual visits. Heck the one kid didn't ven get a birthday cake on her birthday. She promised to take them to Chuckie Cheese for Christmas/3 Kings day so I'm hoping she follows through on that.
When discussing this LM said that this wasn't fair of her Mom to say. She lives with us. We take care of her. She thinks that we feel like family, we act like family. She wants to think of us like family. She later told her therapist that her Mom should be grateful as "they are taking care of HER FOUR kids."
OUCH.
Bio Mom continued this path of proving she really her Mom by discussing tampons with her at her individual visit tonight while they were out at a restaurant telling her she was going to buy them for her so she would be prepared. Now this kid is 11 a victim of sexual abuse by not one but two of Mom's boyfriends. She is nowhere near ready to get her period per her physician and freaked when the female doc touched her back. I'm glad she's concerned about her being prepared but tampons are not the way to go for this child or any child at the age of 11. (Maybe if they were a competitive athlete or something but I still think it's too young.) I just want to say to her look- I get it but if you want to be her mother get your act together. Worry about keeping a job, learning some skills, dealing with consistent discipline and when it's closer to reunification then we'll sit down and I'll fill you in on where they are at and what they have been taught.
As it is she took this kid to dinner and shopping while the other 3 got nothing special on their individual visits. Heck the one kid didn't ven get a birthday cake on her birthday. She promised to take them to Chuckie Cheese for Christmas/3 Kings day so I'm hoping she follows through on that.
New Year.....
Big deal. Nothing in our world magically changed with the calendar turning over Sunday. Our schedule is still crazy, my kids are still struggling, we are no closer to a clear direction of return home or adoption, new medication has not been approved and JB is still throwing temper tantrums while Gabby is begining to throw on days she has to confront people at therapy and visits with Mom.
Then to top it all off I spent January 1st in the emergency room with abdominal pain. Apparently I M so stressed my bowel has decided to spasm. Yeah! He bright side? Closer to meeting our out of pocket and deductible.
Not that I want to start the year as a grump. Perhaps next week I'll be able to write about my hopes and dreams for the new year. Or about the awesome party we went to as a family.
I also want to spend some blog time discussing the interesting feelings the kids have had about their Mom and her actions. This includes her telling them we aren't their "real" family which LM was outraged by. And Gabby confiding that she wants to tell the judge she no longer wants to work towards the goal of going home.
For now I'm going to go to bed and hope no one throws up tomorrow and I can get some good sleep.
Then to top it all off I spent January 1st in the emergency room with abdominal pain. Apparently I M so stressed my bowel has decided to spasm. Yeah! He bright side? Closer to meeting our out of pocket and deductible.
Not that I want to start the year as a grump. Perhaps next week I'll be able to write about my hopes and dreams for the new year. Or about the awesome party we went to as a family.
I also want to spend some blog time discussing the interesting feelings the kids have had about their Mom and her actions. This includes her telling them we aren't their "real" family which LM was outraged by. And Gabby confiding that she wants to tell the judge she no longer wants to work towards the goal of going home.
For now I'm going to go to bed and hope no one throws up tomorrow and I can get some good sleep.
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Long Overdue Update
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