Well Hello There Trauma

So just before school began, I started to write a blog post that started like this:

Well, well, well. Trauma-related behavior, so nice of you to stop by just before school starts. You've been gone so long, I *almost* forgot what you looked like. But I suppose it is mid-August and nearly September so that means it's time for Sarah to freak out. It could also be the fall out from visits with Birth Mom, Big Brother, and a Random Text from Birth Dad.

We've had a few raging tantrums but Friday both Sarah and Smiley had major issues. The was preceded by Simon also really struggling the day before. 

And that is as far as I got.  I had planned to go into detail about the tantrums, attitude, ripping of paper, pushing of tables, throwing of pillows, screeching, and slamming of feet/doors/hands during this epic day of rage but that didn't happen.  And what I really wanted to share was the verbal grenade of "You're not my Mom!" coming at me and the strange "earning of stripes" I felt afterward, but that didn't happen either.

Why? Because kids. Because when the trauma related stuff kicks in, it knocks me on my ass with exhaustion.  Because I wish and will the trauma away at times.  I like to pretend I have no new material for a foster care, early childhood trauma blog and quite frankly I resented having stuff to write about.  And while I feel guilty watching parents in other support groups and blogs struggle with parenting children in The System and Hard Places, because my kids "look so healthy", I much prefer that to the reminder that all Hell can break loose here at any moment because of trauma.

I realize I haven't written very much this year. Upon reflection, I think a large reason why I've not written is the resentment that trauma still lingers.  That perhaps this is the same old thing, and you lovely readers are tired of reading about it.  That perhaps no System related drama or suspense doesn't make for very good blog material.

But maybe there are readers out that that are in the same place as me, and I realized that perhaps you needed to read about some other Mom out there being resentful of the trauma or other special need. Maybe you are a tired Mom who just wishes that some magic wand would come and undo all of the hurt and pain your children carry around with them.  Maybe there is a Mom that gets blindsided when for weeks or months their house looks like a "typical house" and then all of a sudden  - BAM - trauma drops in to remind you that it never really leaves.

And while we have come far, really far, it's not enough to re-wire brain pathways and remove cellular level trauma, and it never will be. And that is the reality we have to deal with and sometimes, I don't want to. 

Rules To Calm Sarah Down

As I mentioned, Sarah has been struggling.  I'm not sure if its the delay in the adoption or if this would have happened organically as she continued to attach.  (It's really easy to blame Bio Mom, but I have to admit, she probably would have done this anyway.) She gets so very angry.  Its hard to imagine, the peanut that she is, can scream the way she does.  Its shrill. Its primal. Its exhausting for both her and us.  But man when she is committed, she is committed.

Last week her therapist and her worked on a list of "Rules" for us to follow when she is tantruming as they are supposed to help her calm down. The rules include getting her a drink of water and a tissue, allowing her to use hand signals, and an order in which to hug her.

We used it earlier in the week while at a restaurant and it worked really well.

At home, not so much.  It was Father's Day and it was largely my fault. 

I just couldn't take finding the pee soaked pull up where it was not supposed to be for the 3rd day in a row, after discussing where it was to go the day before and the day before that.  Additionally, I discovered the offending pull up while investigating an alleged biting over a bracelet. 8 1/2 and 6 years old were the participating siblings. 

I yelled. I yelled loud.  And she started to cry and yell back.  And then we were stuck in the tantrum for an hour. I tried to let her follow her Rules.  Then she decided she was going to slam the water down on the table and splash it everywhere and rip the tissue I handed her into shreds and throw it on the floor.

I'm going to need a bunker when my girls hit puberty because if this is what it looks like at 8, I'm in some serious trouble.

Somehow, Hubby and I were able to get our wits back and try the "Rules" again. And we were able to get back to normal.  We are trying to remember that this is a healthy sign that we are parents she can yell at, but it sucks to be in this spot. For all of us.

We have a parent coaching session this week to keep moving us forward.  But really I just want to lay down and take a nap.  I think the stress is beginning to really take its toll on me.

Rough, Rough, Night

It's been a long time since I've had to restrain a tantruming kid. I actually contemplated calling the risk assessment team because she was so out of sorts. Even after she calmed down, she escalated to another tantrum a few hours later.

Sarah is really struggling with the feelings of love she has going on. It's all fear based that we will go away. Prolonging her visits until the trial did not help her in any way. In fact, they are hurting her. She spend her evening in a panic attack/tantrum. Screaming at the top of her lungs- I need space. You don't understand, I can't breathe.

There were some you aren't my parents, calling us by our first names and a few I hate you'd for good measure.

Did I ever tell you about my theory that if your kid tells you they hate you when you are correcting their behavior, you are doing it right?

Sadly, I lost my cool with the other kiddos. Admittedly, I'm tapped out and it's only Tuesday.....

Each tantrum, wet bed, crying jag only seems to fuel my anger at Sheila. Which makes me feel angry at myself. Ugh.

A Case of the Mondays

We had a day. A really exhausting day. Sarah was crying when I picked her up from daycare because the girl she fights with ripped her paper and then told the teacher it was an accident. I'm over the drama that these two bring to an afternoon so I can only imagine how the teacher feels. 

Then Smiley decided she couldn't handle Monday evening. She dig a stale French fry out of the seat in the car and tried to eat it, prompting her siblings to yell in disgust. Then the tears started. Any hint of disapproval and this kid looses her composure. 

Then it was time for homework. More tears. Then it was I need help in the bathroom. Tears. Then it was full on tantrum. Yelling, screaming, stomping, pounding limbs on the floor. We walked up and down the stairs several times until we could do it without sounding like an elephant. Then she screamed at me for another 30 minutes. 

I threw a dance party in the kitchen while making dinner. I tried to be as silly as possible. Even the dog got in on it. He was jumping up and down too. The other kids thought this was hysterical and so they were all dancing around me making up lyrics to the song.

Stella requested Aerosmith. Her version of Rag Doll was pretty entertaining. 

Ultimately, we were able to move on. We did lots of positive reinforcement. And I have no idea where I summoned the patience from, but we managed to get through the bath where she "forgot" how to wash her body. 

The night ended with the "Good Dreams" spray on her pillow as bedtime has brought on fits about bad dreams during the last week. "Mom, I can't go to bed I always have bad dreams." "No I didn't have one last night." Gee kid, that's 5 nights in a row. Do we need to talk about what "always" means?

It's only Monday....

Urine for It

I can't find the post about pee. Jelly bean peed on the floor and threw her bed wetting alarm at the wall and I'm pretty sure I wrote about it. I was going to link to it as proof to myself we've handled all this stuff before. Oh well. That's kind of the day I've been having.

I got up early to see Simon and Sarah off to their 1st visit with their Dad in a month.   Then my Mom called. My Dad was camping and ended up in the ER. He was fine, it was an overreaction on the camp staff's part, but he was in a neighboring state and my Mom needed to drive up to get the car home and pick him up from the ER. So I spent the majority of the day driving (through the town the Fab Four live in). 

Then I got home and discovered Sarah had let go of the dog's leash and she was so scared that she peed her pants. Hubby handled it great. No yelling. Praised her for coming to get him. But she was still nervous about telling me. 

We went to lunch and as we arrived home Smiley didn't make it to the powder room in time. She peed all over the wood floor. Then I went upstairs and was helping Simon straighten up his room when I discovered a spot of dried urine on the carpet behind a chair.

He decided to pee in his room instead of knocking on the door when his sisters were in the bathroom and he couldn't hold it.   We didn't yell. We removed everything that could cover up a urine stain from his room. We showed him how to clean the carpet. He cried and was upset but at least he admitted he did it. 

Then we discovered cut elastic in the bathroom and dealt with the lying about that. Kids went to bed early. Mom and Dad said how much they loved them. 

It was par for the course. Sheila missed her visit Friday. The kids didn't want to have a call with her Saturday. They are confused. They are sad. They are scared. They are trying to control something! Therapy this week can't come soon enough.

New Challenges

It's been a while since we had full blown tantrums happening in our house and I forgot how exhausting they can be. Sarah and Smiley each had issues this week. Sarah because her burrito had tomatoes in it and Smiley because her mittens wouldn't go on her hands. 

Well okay, maybe it's not as simple as that. Sarah's tantrum was one of the first nights that Hubby had to handle pick up and dinner without me. I walked in from yoga no less, and found her screaming and him trying to de-escalate. iPad instantly back in te daily tantrums of Jelly Bean as the cadence of her cries are Rey similar. 

It's a primal sound because its fear based. She is not at a point where she can verbalize her fear or at the point where we can approach her. Both Hubby and I stayed within a few feet of her room as we tried to eat her unstuck. 

It ended with us telling her because she was still crying she must be tired and therefore needed to go to sleep. To which she answered with yelling and scream "I'm not tired". My answer- you don't have to sleep but you are going to lay quietly in that bed. She of course was snoring within a few minutes.

Smiley picked the snow storm to scream in all the way to school. I didn't do a good job of staying calm like I did with Sarah. It was a rough morning compounded by the fact that I just wanted her to stop so I could focus on driving in the snow. When we got to school I asked for a do-over and we moved on.

It's really hard to have kids who won't ask for help in the home. The Fab Four used to drive me crazy with their neediness. These kids would rather suffer in silence. We are trying really hard to overcome this with extra time spent hanging out and conversing. 

The other hard thing is that the kids don't know how to read facial expressions. Simon especially. Tonight I noticed his hands were cracked and raw. I exclaimed "what happened to your hand" and he started to get worried an year up because he thought he was in trouble. He couldn't tell worry from anger. My heart broke. We've gotten in the habit of telling the kids "this is my _______ face". It's a whole new set of challenges. 

Identifying them is 1/2 the battle, right?

The Cart

This week has been tougher. We still have not yet had a full week of school since before winter break due to weather related school closings, teaching institute day, and holidays. I would love it, if we could get a routine down. While these kids do not have the behavioral issues that the Fab Four did, they do have a listening problem, as in they don't listen. They completely tune me out. It doesn't matter if I'm using a calm voice, a frustrated voice, or a yelling voice. It is as if they just can't hear my voice at all.


It is sooo frustrating. We stopped at the grocery store tonight. Now I realize four kids is a lot to traipse through the grocery store. So when the kids are with me I try to only get a few essentials and get the heck out. I don't know if its sensory or attention issues or lack of attachment but these kids would not stop walking right in front of the cart. You know, as in: the cart is moving forward so I'm going to pick now to walk in front of it. I assigned two kids to one side, one to the other (Smiley was in the cart). Then the two kids were fighting and so I separated them. And then they walked in front of the cart. We turned down an aisle, walk in front of the cart. I seriously considered letting the cart run them over. I reached my boing point as we were leaving. They raced to the automatic doors and you guessed it, cut right in front of the cart.


So I stopped. And I said, "Go ahead. Get it out of your system before we get in the parking lot. Cross in front of the cart. Ok now do it again." Which of course meant that now I had their attention and they didn't want to do what I was asking. So I stood there and waited. Sarah seemed to think this was funny. I think she has a nervous laugh. I assured her the face I was wearing was not one of humor.


This is frustrating because in addition to feeling like my directions are being ignored. I don't get a response from the kids and they aren't connecting to me on a deeper level. I know this will take time given their caregivers have constantly changed. The "I'm going to tune you out" kept on going once we arrived home. But I stayed calm. I tried to re-direct. And then after explaining my expectations, I moved on. I literally said, "I'm disappointed but I'm moving on. These issues are over."


These kids are hyper-vigilant due to their neglect. They are terrified of giving the wrong answer. I know part of what we are struggling with as the adults is that the kids don't feel connected to us. We have to work to overcome that. We have to provide safe places for that bonding to take place and we aren't going to get there if we spend an entire evening going over poor choices.


The attention seeking behavior was out in full force at bedtime. Sarah produced a blown up photocopy of a tooth x-ray (seriously, its scary how much stuff there is in my house that I have no clue about) and wanted to know where to put it 10 minutes after she was to be in bed. Stella has a pajama day at school and despite me telling her 5 different ways she needed to bring me the matching pajamas that she wanted to wear so I could wash them, she handed me mismatched pajamas that didn't fit her. So I'm left with the decision: let the natural consequence of kids looking at her for what she was wearing happen or finding the pajamas for her so that she could get into bed and not become ostracized. I'm not sure she is capable of talking responsibility for her actions at this point so I took care of the PJs.


I need to read up on neglect. Anyone have suggestions or sources they would like to share?

I'm Rusty

I forgot how stressful redirection can be. It was constant this past weekend. Jelly Bean just could not get it together. Over and over and over and over again.

The minute they got in my car Friday we went over the house rules. We went over the activities and then I answered to Mom a gazillion times. But that didn't matter because she basically broke every.single.one. And I know its testing. But it was exhausting. I mean been there. Done that. Bought the T-Shirt. There were no major incidents just a constant need for negative attention.

The really big thing was she left the door to the garage and the house wide open. So of course the dog got out. I have no idea how long he was outside and thankfully he stuck close by because when Gabby went outside to look for him he came right to her. But I was so upset I told the kids they needed to find a separate corner of the house where I couldn't see them. Ok. I yelled it. So the oldest two were crying and I couldn't find the youngest two when I came back to get to the bottom of who left the doors open. Apparently, Get to a corner where I can't see you meant hide to them. So we called them they came out of  - you guessed it - separate corners.

There is no road map for this. And I admitted to myself this weekend that this is hard. And I can't expect them to respond and act the way they had been because its been 5 months and there are in a new world. And at this point, I'm glad they are. Mr. Mohawk told me how he had to draw a really good picture for school. He drew his family. He drew me, Hubby and "my other Mom". Which made me smile.

There were lots of really great moments in between the redirection. So all was not lost. In fact, we had a fun weekend. And we laughed. A lot. Which is probably what I miss the most. When I dropped them off and no one cried (including me) and Maria gave me a bag full of fresh from the field corn (seriously I don't know who she thinks I'm feeding) and her friend was bringing in pumpkins for the kids to carve everything seemed like it was in the right place. And thats really all I can ask for.

Spoke too Soon

Oh.my.goodness. We are back to ignoring directions. Asking the same question over and over and over and letting the siblings play Mom and overrule what THIS Mom says.

Por exemplo:

Me: Jelly Bean please get up and get dressed. You have your visit today.
25 minutes later-
Jelly Bean why are are still in your pajamas? What are you doing in the basement? The driver will be here in 5 minutes?
JB: LM told me to go get this for her.
Me: Excuse me?
JB: LM told me to go get this.
*************************************
Me: Jelly Bean, leave those boxes alone.
Jelly Bean, I said leave those alone.
JB: Mom can I open this?
Me: Not yet. You can put it to the side and when all the other presents are in the car you may play with that one.
JB: mom, I want to open this.
Me: JB I already told you my answer. Ask me again and it goes in the car too.
(A few minutes later as I'm trying to consolidate the gifts my mother loving picked out for all of us I hear a package opening)
JB What are you doing?
JB: Opening the box.
Me: The one I just told you to wait to open?
JB: I just asked you and you said yes.
Me: No I did not. You asked me twice I told you to wait. Now the box is going in the car.
**************************
When we'd both calmed down I went over that this Mom does not say things she does not mean. This Mom will follow through each and every single time. ALWAYS. That she could go ahead and test me by asking me the same question over and over but that was going to have the opposite effect of what she wants to have happen.

I'm exhausted by this testing behavior. And knowing that she's doing it because of the increase in visits with her Mom doesn't help with the frustration that I feel because we've been here before and overcome it. I know that Mom threatened to take away the cable from the bedroom JB goes into to watch TV all day while she is at the visits but Mom didn't do it and still let her continue to watch TV after she threw a fit, made a mess and called her a B*tch.

I feel bad for Mom. She's going to get eaten alive by her children. They are going to walk all over her.

And because Mom didn't follow trough, LM did. She walked into the room and turned the TV off on her sister. Which caused Gabby to call me out that night on not spending enough time with her. (Stay with me in the logic here. JB got the attention both at the visit and her behavior at home. Gabby got mad at JB for not listening to her Mom because Gabby's biggest fear is that Mom can't handle JB and that they will do all this work, get home and get taken back into the system. I'm the easy target to be mad at because I can handle her telling me she's angry. And really she knew if she confronted me I would sit and listen and talk with her. For an hour. At bedtime.)

I know I could probably call the caseworker tell her it's too much and cut back a visit this week but I'm not going to. Mom needs to understand what it feels like to have her kids every day. Today's visit is 9 hours. 9 hours is a long time to watch TV. And they were already having issues this morning. She has to see the behaviors they are capable of in order for them to be addressed. It will be very hard to shove behavior under the rug or blame it on being tired, the foster parents, the therapists, or school after 5 days of visits.

And while this is going to make home life suck, I'm hoping this at least gives us some momentum towards and end.

Why do they always pick THE worst day?

So after running around for 10 days straight I of course got sick. Like really sick. Like I had to actually go to the doctor today. I avoid the doctor. I spent so much time in their offices when I was first diagnosed with sarcoid and neurosarcoid that unless I'm sure there is something wrong I don't go. (I am the woman who dealt with nerve pain in my head for a year before mentioning it.)

I called in sick to work. And then everyone needed me. Umm hello people! Mom is sick. Didn't matter. Gabby left her flute. So I run to the school and drop it off but not before she called a second time to make sure I was coming. No sooner do I get home but the phone rings from the school for a third time.

Hi Mrs. R. It's the principal Mr. L. My automatic response? What did he do today?

Because my Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday phone calls weren't enough.

"He bit another student during gym class...on the butt. I know you work but I need to send him home for the day. I have to suspend him."

Honestly, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I mean he's 5. He can tell you that he should keep he's hands to himself. He can tell you it's not ok to bite people. And everyone seems to say he's not malicious in this. That it is impulsive. That he almost can't help himself. Today I was asked if he was ever evaluated for ADHD.

And here is the thing. I suspected that. But 5? It's so young. And then you review- 1 who has extreme PTSD who dissociates, 1 who has extreme anxiety, 1 with PTSD and ADHD who I suspect will be diagnosed with bipolar later on in life, and another with ADHD.

And here is the thing. These kids were so much younger and had less trauma before coming into care. How is bio Mom going to handle this? Has she learned enough tools to manage all these behaviors?

So I go pick up the Kindergartener. And my yelling is ineffective, largely because I have no voice. And I feel like death and I'm brought back to Jelly Bean's rage during the worst headache of my life and I'm like- why do they always knock you over when you're down. Do they have some 6th sense that Mom's not at her best and therefore will not be effective?

My Addiction to TLC

I LOVE The cable channel TLC. I've been watching for years and a good chunk of our DVR is set to programs on TLC. We as a family watch "The Cake Boss" and "Long Island Medium" religiously. I'm fascinated by families and how they operate. We loved Jon and Kate and their 8 and were sad to see them go off the rails. (And now as a parent of 4 I understand the stress a tad bit better.) we're rooting for "the Little Couple" as they realize their dream of becoming parents. I was especially interested when the show highlighted special needs international adoption. TLC- if you ever want to come to my house and document the reality of foster care and foster parenting I'm game! (Especially if it means college for 4 kids could somehow be paid for because as of right now I got nothing....)

I digress....

So in feeding into my TLC addiction I looked into the Long Island Medium touring. I saw The Cake Boss live and loved it so when I heard Theresa Caputo was coming to Illinois I got really excited.

I've always had an interest in mediums and connecting with the other side. Believer/Non-Believer I'm not here to debate or argue either side. It makes me feel better to think my loved ones surround me. I talk to God, I believe in Angels this seems a natural extension to that.

But the tickets were nearly sold out. Through a Facebook message my Great Aunt told me she is going to see her but gave me the name of a different Medium she has seen on several occasions. So tonight I reached out to schedule an appointment.

A little out of the ordinary, I know. But really what in my life is "normal". I spent the better part of the night trying to convince a 7th grader that the character from CSI was not going to attack her in the bathroom at school and fielded a call from the principal for the (3rd Wednesday in a row) where I was informed that ANOTHER of the children I'm in charge of will now be required to use the nurse's bathroom because he unraveled 200 feet of toilet paper in the hall bathroom. And there I am at work all, "Do we do that in the bathroom? Is that a good choice? What did I say about being on Red?"

Not Enough Words

Lord, have Mercy. There were not enough words to express my frustration today.
- Apparently, expecting homework to be completed when the kids come home from their mid-week visit at the library is too high of a goal and unrealistic. Guess who was asked to find them a tutor to be there with their Mom during HER visit?
- I got a call from daycare that LM told the teacher "I don't give a shit , what you said."
- the email from JB's teacher said she got a red card yesterday for writing "kick me in the balls" on a post it and sticking it on a boy's back.
- a bunch of stuff happened at work too.
-hubby is working late tonight.
-there is a therapist here tonight so opening up a bottle of wine is out until she leaves- then it might be too late to be worth my while.

Breakthroughs/Triumphs

• Mr. Mohawk went to sleep without threats last night.
• When I told LM we would talk about the issue layer as I could tell she wasn't able to at the moment she apologized for giving me attitude and told me she was having a rough day.
• Jelly Bean was praised and praised again by her sisters for the good choices she has been making. They TOLD her they were proud of her without being prompted, BOTH of them!
• Gabby told her therapists she feels that her Mom should have placed LM for adoption at birth. She feels LM got cheated out of a better life. She then felt guilty and they had a nice heart to heart which ended with LM telling Gabby "Sisters Forever"
• Gabby invited LM an JB to do another sister family therapy session (The last one ended with the therapists swearing never again because Gabby was in tears due to Jelly Bean being under the coffee table calling her an F***ing B**** under her breath.)

First visit of the school year and a team meeting tomorrow. Should make for an interesting week.

Wednesday is my new favorite day.

- There was so much bickering this morning we instated a no speaking rule. Literally if you can't say something nice you can't say anything. At. All.
- At 11:00 am I got a phone call from Day care. Mr. Mohawk needs to be picked up. He got kicked out of daycare for the day.
- He ignored me on the phone then passed the phone to another 4 year old.
- He took his hand and tried to get poop on it to wipe on other kids. And I was worried about pink eye.
- He slapped a teacher in the face.
- After discussing the incident and telling him he is to keep his hands to himself he said "Mama I'm going to tell you the truth. You have an H on your car."
- I could only mutter. Yes. That is true.
- At 4 pm I came back from a meeting to find several missed calls and voicemails. Little Mama got on the bus instead of waiting to be picked up for family therapy.
- I know to others this will look like week 3 of foster parents failing to deliver all children to family therapy even though we don't take them there.
- I also knew she did this on purpose because she didn't feel her Mom cared what she had to say last week.
- When I asked her about it she told me the truth - she did it on purpose.
- I was so proud that she didn't lie that I did not hand out any consequences.
- We did have a very long discussion about the choice she made and the ramifications it may have.
- Inside I cheered her on for at least making an outward gesture that she is not ok with how Mom is handling herself. I also didn't blame her for wanting to be in control and skip a session. Good for you LM. Good for you.
- Jelly Bean did not have a tantrum. This is because Hubby told her he felt one coming on so just go ahead and get it over with.
- She tried really hard to get in trouble during homework time and dinner. She did not win.
- Less than a month and then we get a 10 day break from foster care land and got to Disney World where it will be encouraged to live a fantasy life of no worries and all fun.
- I need to find a great gift for my Mom who not only picked up the holy terror from daycare but has been coming to my house to spring clean before the CASA worker comes Saturday. Any ideas please leave them in the comments. (Last year hubby got us a matching ring. He went to Jared. No, seriously. It's where he always goes.)

Love Should Be Multiplied: One Year Later

The original post is one of the most viewed and searched upon posts I have written. It was written one year ago in response to us taking the rest of a sibling set of four kids who were 9 months into their DCFS case for physical abuse. We had less than 4 hours notice before they arrived on out doorstep with garbage bags of belongings (at least they HAD belongings) while my husband and his best friend worked furiously to get the beds set up and my Mom did her best to stop crying in order to keep them occupied.  I had a beautiful post in my head where I was going to hyperlink to that original post and to the post about my Mom's reaction to our announcement we were going down the foster care path - but i just spent the last 30 minutes dealing with Jelly Bean and a monsterous meltdown and to be honest I'm spent. This was the second one of the evening. Hubby said to me when I came home "I'm not sure what is causing it today?". I flippantly responded "it's Wednesday."  Then I heard my statement out loud and remembered the call I got from Gabby this afternoon worried that she had family therapy today.  It's Wednesday. Now I wrote in January how the anniversary of living here a year bothered JB. Gabby and LM were excited. So we bit the bullet and celebrated for their sake. We ordered pizza like last year and got a special dessert. (Long story short-we ended up with 2 cookie pizzas. Hubby wanted to know what we were going to do with the other. My suggestion was bring it to the staffing meeting on Friday. It said Happy Anniversary on it. Hubby actually laughed at my joke. He doesn't often do that it made me feel good. I was only 1/2 kidding though. I wish I could bring it and all the evil people could choke on it...another joke...maybe.) We thanked them for being awesome kids and celebrated how far we have come as a family. Gabby and LM appreciated the gesture. At least for today. Tomorrow (or 5 minutes from Now for JB) could be a different story.

Day 4

Oh yes. There was a 4th day of trantruming. I was hoping that since I had left work and gone to urgent care for the mother of all migraines and unbelievable dizziness that maybe, just maybe Jelly Bean would keep it together.

NOPE.

So I'm laying on my bathroom floor- the room is spinning I've just spent 10 minutes vomitting from the pain and she's screeching at the top of her lungs. Hubby is pleading with her to please stop crying. He asks her what he can do to help her stop and she tells him to hit her.

It was a new low point for me. Totally powerless. Unable to soothe my child. Unable to stand up. But it reminded me how much I love my husband. He came in after and apologized that he wasn't more calm. Asked me how he could make me feel better. Made the kids dinner. Got the homework done. As helpless as I felt it was nice to be reminded I'm not in this alone .

So far (fingers crossed) no tantrum today. But I'm sending her to bed in 3 minutes it could still happen.

Day 3

My 8 week vacation from drama, trauma, and tantrums is over. We are in the third consecutive day of 20+ minute temper tantrum/meltdowns by Jelly Bean. These episodes leave the entire family drained, feeling helpless and worried that she'll end up back in the hospital. The fear of seeing her Mom is pushing everyone over the edge. Me included. The sense of calm and control I had has quickly vanished. I'm reacting to their big feelings and I feel guilty about it. I feel sad I can't fix this for them. But man oh man do I feel pride in how far they have come.

The thing about the tantrums is that they drain us but once Jelly Bean gets it out she's fine. Pleasant. Back to normal. But just as that happens Gabby starts up and at 10 acts like a dog. She actually growled at her therapist tonight, for the second week in a row. She's regressing in a big way. She also decided this week she wants to tell her class she's in foster care. Unfortunately, Gabby is heavy on detail and it will be hard for her to balance her story with her privacy. Not to mention the peer reaction (or that of their parents).

Little Mama is dissociating from it all. She's thrown herself into her schoolwork. Which for a kid who had 28 missing assignments before winter break is pretty amazing. She actually worked on a project with the goal of getting it done BEFORE the long weekend. But when discussing family therapy in session tonight she was triggered and detached from the present.

So to review we have an 8 year old having toddler tantrums, a 10 year old accessing animalistic behaviors and an 11 year old who is avoiding.

But everything is fine because the visits are going to only be with 2 kids an out in the community.

Day 345 of me banging my head against the wall.

So in an attempt to get my groove back I'm vegged out on the cough watching mindless tv- Vh1's Pop Up Video, Jersey Shore edition (and if you are confuse so was I since Jersey Shore is on MTV). These people are cracked and make my life seem down right normal.

When Pigs Fly

Its amazing. Pigs flew this week.  I did something I said I would NEVER do.  Buy a minivan.  Yep.  I always thought minivans were uncool. I saw myself as an SUV Mom. Sporty. Cute. Compact. I especially didn't see myself driving a minivan at 30. I also never saw myself agreeing to drive to Disney World with 4 kids in tow. And yet somehow this week as we were discussing the drive to Disney World and how nice it would be to have a minivan and a DVD player we found ourselves seriously considering and then buying a minivan. 

Then something even MORE amazing happened.  The kids caseworker called me and told me she was cancelling the visit this weekend for LM and Gabby since JB has not yet had her family therapy session with Mom and she didn't want her behaviors to be worse because she was going to be left behind. Which means she actually listened to us on Monday when we told her excluding JB was a mistake and made life around here fairly miserable. I about fell over. One can only hope that this was a turner corned as with visits starting up next Saturday we've already begun to see the anxiety and fear start to let us know they've returned. Of course its mainly in the form of selective listening and attitude.  I've told attitude it can leave several times today. 

The first was while Gabby and JB were sitting in the new back seat waiting for me to turn the DVD player on and leave the garage.  The bickering got to me so I made everyone get out of the car.  Then I sat it in by myself a minute.  Then I got out.  Told them that there was no attitude allowed in the car. It was a new car. I only wanted to see happy faces, smiling, and to hear giggling.  And that we were going to get in and out of the car as many times as it took in order to get that result.  Then I got silly and introduced them to the new car.  I got giggles and smiles.  Even a happy dance from JB who had the biggest pout.  And then I didn't hear a peep from them.

Gabby is having an especially rough time.  She's been tattling at every opportunity. She's been quiet when not tattling.  In short her spark has disappeared.  Its really hard to watch.

JB has thrown a few tantrums in the last week. Which is always draining.  They have been somewhat short in duration and she's actually put herself in time out or chill time without being told.

Mr. Mohawk is having wetting accidents.  And he's doing the thing his sister does and mumbles when he's in trouble it is sooo annoying.  But he's been asking for food and we haven't caught him sneaking anything since Monday morning when Hubby found him in the bathroom eating a candy cane.  (I have no idea where he found the candy cane.  Probably the same place all my pencils go to.)

LM has been telling me several times a day that I'm the best Mom ever.  And to be honest it makes me uncomfortable.  Not because I don't want to hear it but because I'm afraid she's going to feel guilty for saying it and then take it out on me.  She even suggested I get a new license plate that says #1 Mom.  This made me sad. Mainly because I wondered what would happen if they went home and this was still my car and my license plate.  Would I think of it as a happy thing? I haven't really thought about them going home recently and it caught me off guard.  This happy little bubble where this was just our life and not some temporary arrangement burst. Then Hubby pointed out she probably wouldn't think the license plate was that great when she was 16 and driving around with it.

OH YES I DID

So you know those parents who think their child is perfect and can do no wrong? Yeah, I'm not one of them.  I will fight for my kids to get what they need and I will make sure they know I will protect them and stick up for them but hide their mistakes and prevent them from suffering the consequences of their choices - not on your life.

It wasn't intentional but I totally ratted my kid out to the principal. Jelly Bean's daycare told me that she got off the bus this week in tears.  Apparently, she slapped another kid and the bus driver pulled the bus over and blocked traffic coming out of the school parking lot.  So the school police officer came on the bus to find out what happened.  This was triggering for her because she thought the police officer was going to take her to "juvie" and then she was teased all the way home.  Participating in the teasing? Her sister, Gabby. So several issues:

1. She didn't keep her hands to herself.
2. The police officer triggered her.
3. She was made fun of. Which she can't handle.
4. Her sister participated. She already thinks she's unloved.

So the next morning on the way to work I call the principal - anticipating that he'll call me when he gets the write up from the bus driver. I got his voicemail so I left a message explaining the version of the story I heard and that I was going to stand by whatever consequence he saw fit.  So when he called me at 5pm that night I was surprised to learn that he hadn't gotten a write up. We spoke about the police officer being triggering and if there was a way she could get to know the ones at the school. He told me he would investigate the bus incident and let me know his decision.

The next day he called me with JB in his office and told me she was suspended from the bus on Monday.  Good.  She should be held accountable. She gets a lot of slack in our expectations due to her emotional challenges but hitting others - not acceptable.

Gabby was also held accountable.  She will need to do something nice for JB.

Side note: The same day as the bus Jelly Bean was accused of taking two books that belonged to another student.  One of the day care teachers (one that I'm not a big fan of) asked me about it as I was signing the kids in and I was running late for work.  By the time I turned around a book has been taken out of her backpack (by another teacher) and I was told it would be held on to until the matter had been investigated.  I emailed JB's teachers at school before I got out of the parking lot.  When I went to pick the kids up not one but two OTHER teachers asked me about the missing book.  I was soo annoyed. Then the director tells me about the bus and I'm thinking seriously? A book about food that's probably 10 pages long was so important 4 people had to tell me about it but the fact that my kid came off the bus crying only warranted 1 person? Lets just say my email forwarding the school's response that it was their book and they would like it back was very pointed and not on the nice side.

We made it....

Through Christmas. With no major tantrums or meltdowns. Through THREE DAYS of celebrations. To be honest it was the adults in my life I wanted to put in time out. Can I just say how much I love my mother? After all the support she gave me in the last month she spoiled these kids and THEN had them sleep over so my Hubby and I could have a night to ourselves. We opted for a movie at the theater and then another DVD at home.

I was surprised the kids didn't get sad about thier Mom. We had talked about it before And had given them the green light so to speak to let us know if they were feeling sad. Maybe it was distraction or maybe we will pay for it later but the kids and us had 4 days off from reality where we were this happy, adjusted family enjoying quality time together. We had lots of talk about "next year" and tradition from the kids. I hope we fulfilled thier wish of the best Christmas ever because it sure was mine (well second anyway to the Christmas my husband proposed on 7 years ago).

It's hard to go forward not knowing what the next few months will bring or take away. From us AND from them. But tonight my prayer will be one of thanksgiving. And wisdom - as I have no idea where we are going to store all of these gifts!