Dear Foster/Adoptive Mom on the First Day Of School

This post is for you. This post doesn't talk about your children as babies or birthing them. The reminiscing of pregnancy will not be found in this post because I know for many of you, you didn't experience that. You've probably never seen a picture of your child before they came to live with you and if you have, it's probably not a baby picture or one that you would display because, when you look at it, you see a child who is scared and sad. It was likely swiped from a Facebook page of someone you've never met and is a window into atrocities that should never happen to any child, anywhere. There is no letter to my child's best friend Lambie or back-up Lambie because my child came with all his worldly possessions in a trash bag.

As back to school time rolls around so does the reminder of how much you've missed out on in your child's life. This might be the 1st time you are enrolling a child in school or it might be your child's 6th school in four years. It's a lot either way. Those other back to school articles, while touching and appropriate for the majority of Moms, leave you on the outside because your child, your experiences are different.  I'm here to tell you, you aren't alone. I'm here. I'm experiencing it too. Those articles, they rub me the wrong way. They make me feel less than. They make me hurt for my child and you probably feel it too. They make me angry that I am the one here and not the parent that brought them into the world and at the same time my breath catches at the thought they could be gone based on the decisions of people who probably haven't met them and certainly don't know that we picked the purple backpack because pink is "for babies".

While other parents might worry about the walk to the bus stop and finding the bathroom, you worry about your child's PTSD.  You worry that they are so behind they won't catch up. You will worry their visit tomorrow will mean they can't handle learning today and will present itself as behavior issues that the school will blame you for and make your job harder. You worry that someone will ask why all of your children have different last names and you won't be prepared with the prefect answer that shuts them down and shows your kid you love them.  You worry that you are sending them off to another school that they won't finish the year at. You worry that this being your 3rd time through grades 1, 2, 3, and 5th you will loose your mind when the animal research project comes home and it's the damn Arctic Turn again.*

I have no idea what it is to be a Mom of "typical kids". It doesn't make the worries of those Moms less valid, it just seems to me that mine are probably more serious at times. I sat and listened at the welcome night as a Mom complained that her child had to walk 2 blocks to the bus. Until last week, my kids were worried they wouldn't have a permanent home. And that's when I get angry about the fact my kids got the short stick and have to fight for so much just to be "typical". 

Back to school for many kids with trauma  is often triggering. And as a trauma parent you might be ready for that nonsense to be O.V.E.R. You may be hanging by a thread and that makes the first day of school a blessing and a curse because with it probably comes a different battle, to get your child the help they need. 

You foster mama- you are not alone. You can do it. Because you said yes when others walked away and said no. And you stay even if it's hard because it's not their fault. You love them and they love you, as much as they can, even if it doesn't feel that way. You are giving them what others couldn't or wouldn't. And that is more valuable the perfect chalkboard captioned pictures and tears at the bus stop. This day starts a new path. A path of hope. A view into how life should look and feel. For both of you because you and them are not less than. You are more. Way way more. And together, you make a difference. 

* (It's a bird, apparently children in my home have never heard of pandas. For once I'd like to research pandas...)

Why I Said Yes To The Free School Supplies

As back to school time has snuck up on us, I've seen a lot of articles and posts on social media about school supplies. Last year school supplies were a GIANT hassle. I let Sheila buy part of the list and the whole process became way more work - as she sent the supplies at the last minute but didn't indicate who they were for so I spent 2 hours trying to figure out what was missing. She said so it was even but she bought 80% of Stella's list.....

For the Fab Four I had the opportunity to utilize the pre-pay service where they package everything for you and you pick up the supplies the week before school. It was lovely. When those notes came home this year it was going to be $350 and I was like- Peace Out. I'll take myself to Costco and buy in bulk. Or dig through my stock pile of extra school supplies to see what we already had on-hand as this year I made the kids go through their supplies and see what was re-usable. (No one needs a new pair of scissors every year...Its not like it was when we were kids. No fun folders for anyone ever.)

In May I got a phone call from the gym teacher and she asked if we could use school supplies for the kids. 

To be honest, I kind of struggled with saying yes. We can totally afford school supplies. I never want us to be seen as the charity case because we aren't. I'd rather people who really need the help get it. More often than not, we've participated in supply drives, we even sponsored a college student one year for his books. So I said, no. I don't want to take away from another family that might really need it.

But the teacher pushed back. She said she loved my kids and she really wanted to help them in some way. They always have these extra packages of school supplies and she couldn't think of kids more deserving. "They are so full of happiness and they have been through so much." (We are the only foster family in the district.)

It wasn't about the money.  This teacher just wanted to do something.  This is what she could offer. And isn't my advice to other foster parents to accept help when offered because its not always available?

Full disclosure: We also happened to be at a bar that afternoon watching the Blackhawks playoff so I was probably a little buzzed and didn't insist on no like I probably would have. So maybe there is a lesson there to ease up a bit....

I'm really glad that I said yes.  The past few weeks have been so full of change and anxiety for me that I'm relieved I don't have to go battle the school supply aisle.  Its my last week of this term for school and we have some family outings coming up and I really just want to focus on my kids. This little thing will make our life so much easier and it allowed someone else to help out and pitch in and isn't that what we want from our support networks? That extends to school too.
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Interestingly, neither bio parent offered up help for the school supplies this year even though the visits were moved so they would not be the same as the week school starts. Actually, neither of them gave the children any gifts for their last planned visits. Bio Dad almost missed the visit.  I had the transport company call him when he didn't confirm because I didn't want to have to handle the disappointment of the kids.

Individualized Education Plan or IEP

I went looking for the previous post I wrote about IEPs but it turns out I never published it because it was the week before the Fab Four went home.  It doesn't really talk about the IEP process itself but here it is:

4/3/2013 - Unpublished Post - Fake It Till You Make It
So we had Jelly Bean's IEP meeting today. Caseworker and Mom were there. I tried to stay upbeat an happy. Directing all questions to Mom. Making sure she understood exactly how behind JB is and how much she'll need her to fight to get the assistance in place.

Afterwards we met and discussed the post unification visits. We scheduled the first few including the kid's birthdays. I tried to let her lead and overall it was positive. She was ok with our plan for next week and gave me their address.

I tried to keep a positive, light attitude. I tried to seem happy. But I'm sad. And scared. And overwhelmed. And I don't think I've ever been this afraid of quiet in my life. I know I'm coming across as totally fine about this but in my car, at night, the tears come easily and often.

So ready for this to be over and at the same time I'm trying to hold onto every second.

Tonight we begin packing. The plan is for a Wednesday move if the judge grants custody on Monday.

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Let me tell you, it is much easier to pack up 4 kids than it is to pack up an entire house you've been living in.....

So we had an IEP meeting for Smiley this week.  An IEP is a plan that the school puts in place in order for kids to receive special education services.  Students can qualify in several ways.  Jelly Bean qualified for her ADHD and her emotional diagnosis as these affected her ability to learn in the classroom without modification.

Smiley has a speech issue.  She does not articulate certain sounds correctly. Her S, Z, CH, and SH sound like mush when she says them.  When she first came to us she was very hard to understand at times.  (In addition, all of my kids tend to mumble and speak softly.  I'm constantly say "I can't hear you", "What?", "Are you talking to me?" Its super annoying.)  There are times when I have to asked her to phrase something differently because I can't understand her words.  Thus far, she doesn't seem to get too frustrated by this.  She is smart and above average in all of her comprehension and reading scores.  When she's not throwing a tantrum or being stubborn, she has this really sparkling happy personality.  I joke that one day she will use her powers for good vs. evil. She is always in the middle of the circle of girls!

But she is heading into 1st grade and that's when kids become mean.  I also want to make sure she isn't hindered in any way by an issue that can be fixed.  Luckily the speech teacher was willing to get the evaluations done quickly and get the paperwork signed before we have to negotiate the adoption subsidy and before we move. The IEP is supposed to follow students from school to school for continuity which should mean a seem less transition to the new school. (Hear the optimism? I've got just about 2 teaspoons of it left after this week.)

She starts this week working on her goals. I'm hoping she thinks this is fun....

 

Back To School

Back to school time is always full of stress for kids in foster care. The Quartet have never finished a full school year in one school. Ever. 

Think about that. The school year is August through May. They have never been in one place long enough to experience a 10 month stretch. So even though they are going back to the school they went to last year, we have a lot of anxiety going on. 

This also brought on an offer from Sheila to buy the kids school supplies. So I gave her the link. Then she said she was only going to get 1/2 of the lists. Then she asked me what grade her kids were in.

I am trying very hard to focus on the offer in the first place. But I'm not going to lie. It's hard. You say you love your kids and you are working to get them back but you don't know what grade they are in? I have a hard time understanding this thinking. There is not a lot of connection and it just breaks my heart. For them and for her. 

Work with the bio parents is what they teach. Co-parent whenever possible. What does that mean? Does that mean suggest to Sheila that she avoid talking about back to school even though she dismisses it? Does that mean overlooking she missed 1/2 (52%) of her phone calls in the past three months? Does it mean invite her to Kindergarten orientation? 

My mantra over the month and a half will be- her time is limited with her children. 

What a sad thought. I actually care a great deal about Sheila. She gave birth to some pretty spectacular kids. But I'm just tired of watching them struggle.

I am also totally over bio Dad. And if I'm being honest, I could give two toots about him, his rights, or his issues. He missed 1/2 of his available visits over the last three months. How hard is it to show up to a fast food restaurant for two hours a week? Really how long should kids be subjected to parents showing up 1/2 the time? I'm thinking that 9 months is unacceptable. The point of the visits is to prove you are stable and can handle your kids. Why are we subjecting the kids to someone who clearly isn't interested?And why are we spending money that could be going towards other things like quality healthcare, mental health services, or activities for the kids and parents actually making changes? They are issuing a summons to the next court hearing because Dad has never shown. NEVER.

Simon asked me the other day why he can't have his visits on the same day again. He reasoning: because then he only has one day of visits. (Only one day of worry and inconsistency). I also tallied the days Sarah has been wetting the bed and they are always on days of contact or scheduled contact with her bio parents. 

People ask us all the time isn't it hard? My new answer is not as hard as it is on the kids. I'm an adult. I can manage the stress. The kids can't.

1st week of school

Knock on wood we got through the first week of all 4 children in school all day. It was not without it's bumps in the road.

•It took 4 days to get LM on the correct bus.
• I got a phone call from a very concerned secretary that MM was only going to get cereal today because his balance isn't correct- somehow his free lunch got screwed up.
• 5 minutes before arrive to school in a downpour JB decided to tell me she had diarrhea. I did not handle this very well. She did not poop for the next 12 hours. When she did she came and I got me and I confirmed that her idea of diarrhea and mine are not the same.
• I had no less than 4 meetings for the kids this week. 3 on Thursday. 1 was a team meeting. Let's just say the idea of putting your children's needs is still something Mom needs to work on and she was basically ignoring us when we left the meeting. (Next weeks co-parenting family therapy session should be real interesting.)
• LM was put in the ESL language arts and literacy class instead of the mainstream class I expected her to be in. When her teacher called and told me there were only 11 kids in her class and that she herself was a foster/adoptive parent for the last 17 years I decided she would stay. I then offered to connect her to our on-line support community. :) I think she was also pleased to be speaking to another parent who knew what Rad was and understood that parenting traumatized children is different. Honestly, when she said she was a foster parent I didn't care what else she had to say. I just want LM to have people at school to support her.

Last Day of School

We made it! An entire school year. I am now the parent of a Kindergartener, Third grader, Fifth grader, and Seventh grader. Yikes. Totally unprepared for 3 tween girls. The discussion about cell phones is happening.

Last night Gabby asked me how many bras she should pack and Hubby mouthed "she wears bras?" Lol. Clearly he is not ready either.

We even managed to get to today without too many behavior issues. Although that being said, today is see CASA and family therapy with Mom so that might change. Closing in on less than 24 hours to vacation departure. Mickey here we come!

OH YES I DID

So you know those parents who think their child is perfect and can do no wrong? Yeah, I'm not one of them.  I will fight for my kids to get what they need and I will make sure they know I will protect them and stick up for them but hide their mistakes and prevent them from suffering the consequences of their choices - not on your life.

It wasn't intentional but I totally ratted my kid out to the principal. Jelly Bean's daycare told me that she got off the bus this week in tears.  Apparently, she slapped another kid and the bus driver pulled the bus over and blocked traffic coming out of the school parking lot.  So the school police officer came on the bus to find out what happened.  This was triggering for her because she thought the police officer was going to take her to "juvie" and then she was teased all the way home.  Participating in the teasing? Her sister, Gabby. So several issues:

1. She didn't keep her hands to herself.
2. The police officer triggered her.
3. She was made fun of. Which she can't handle.
4. Her sister participated. She already thinks she's unloved.

So the next morning on the way to work I call the principal - anticipating that he'll call me when he gets the write up from the bus driver. I got his voicemail so I left a message explaining the version of the story I heard and that I was going to stand by whatever consequence he saw fit.  So when he called me at 5pm that night I was surprised to learn that he hadn't gotten a write up. We spoke about the police officer being triggering and if there was a way she could get to know the ones at the school. He told me he would investigate the bus incident and let me know his decision.

The next day he called me with JB in his office and told me she was suspended from the bus on Monday.  Good.  She should be held accountable. She gets a lot of slack in our expectations due to her emotional challenges but hitting others - not acceptable.

Gabby was also held accountable.  She will need to do something nice for JB.

Side note: The same day as the bus Jelly Bean was accused of taking two books that belonged to another student.  One of the day care teachers (one that I'm not a big fan of) asked me about it as I was signing the kids in and I was running late for work.  By the time I turned around a book has been taken out of her backpack (by another teacher) and I was told it would be held on to until the matter had been investigated.  I emailed JB's teachers at school before I got out of the parking lot.  When I went to pick the kids up not one but two OTHER teachers asked me about the missing book.  I was soo annoyed. Then the director tells me about the bus and I'm thinking seriously? A book about food that's probably 10 pages long was so important 4 people had to tell me about it but the fact that my kid came off the bus crying only warranted 1 person? Lets just say my email forwarding the school's response that it was their book and they would like it back was very pointed and not on the nice side.

Amazing Educators

Tonight was visiting hour for JB. Her teacher, principal, ESL teacher, reading teacher, and school social worker all came with. Bringing her books and Teddy bears. Can I just say how impressed I am with these people who truly care about this kid.

They gave up their Wednesday evening to spend an hour with my kid in a mental health hospital. They brought cards and notes from students and other teachers. They even checked on me. I have friends who are teachers like this but I had never run across them in a school setting. Sure I think she's special but I'm her "mom". They are worried and concerned and I'm so glad they care because transitioning her back in to school is going to be so much easier knowing they will support her.

You know what they say about all therapists?

That they need their own therapist. Which makes me wonder what that means for foster moms with chronic illness and a psychology degree. For me it means I have 5 therapists in my life. My own. JB's therapist, LM & Gabby's therapist, LM & Gabby's trauma therapist, and the new family therapist. It means that I am CONSTANTLY talking about feelings and techniques and trying to analyze and figure out where feelings are coming from. It means that at every turn we stop and talk about the feelings even if its in the middle of Target.

Which was the case the day before school started. We finished getting the last of the supplies and sat down to eat at the Pizza Hut in the food court at Target. School starting was/is a big trigger for my kids. It is their big obvious marker of time (even though they came into care at the end of June). And it finally dawned on them that "oh hey I've been in foster care a year. My Mom said she only gets 2 years and that doesn't leave much time." In entered the anxiety and fear and along with them came rage and tantrums.

So Little Mama turns to me in said food court and says "Mom I have a really important question to ask you and I need you to be totally honest with me." Uh WOW. Can we just stop and recogonize how well she model this? So I said ok. And she says if we don't go back to my Mom would you and Dad adopt us. And no joke the food court lights were shut off since they were closing.

Its a good thing she asked me this BEFORE school started because the following week I'm not so sure I would have answered with conviction like I did. I said Yes if this was something the judge would allow us to do. And then of course reitterated that this wasn't the goal...Everyone's working hard.... But apparently this is something being given a lot of thought since Gabby asked if she "stayed with us" if she could still go to her doctor.

Unfortunately, the case worker doesn't see a clear direction for the case. We go back to court for an update next week. We are waiting for a pysch eval on Mom and to see how family therapy goes. This weeks adventure was unsupervised time eating and putting on makeup after family therapy when the therapist left and the driver/supervisor never came back in the house.

In an effort to calm the craziness I'm reading Beyond Consequences Logic and Control which talk a lot about being in touch with your own emotions. I've been made painfully aware that Jelly Bean is a trigger for me because she brings up my childhood issues. She is my brother living in my house agian. My ADD brother who was always getting in trouble which meant I was constantly being overlooked. It also meant I feel tremendous pressure to overachieve and be perfect as to not add to the yelling. Don't worry about Foster Mom she's so independent she can do x, y, z on her own. Which meant I didn't know HOW to ask for help or SHARE with others that they were hurting my feelings. And I spent the year prior to the kids arriving working really hard at overcoming and healing. And I have to admit I'm having a little trouble with that lately.

I have several spectacular post ideas

But at the moment I'm spent. The last two weeks have been exhausting. And though I have at least three posts on school starting, being confronted about adopting them, family therapy and an in school suspension.... I.just.can't.

Because these children have sucked the spirit out of me and I have a big project due at 10 am Monday and I'm not done due to the antics of my weekend. Which means I need to be out the door at 6:30am and it is midnight on Sunday.

I need a miracle here. And some sleep. Ooh and a vacation. With a spa. And a beach. And a blue drink with an umbrella...somewhere where I don't have to talk to A.N.Y.O.N.E.