If I'm Being Honest

Warning: This is a really honest post.  I fully acknowledge that towards the end of cases things get way harder for everyone.  It also gets harder to keep the rational part of my brain the loudest voice in my head.  This is not a "rah rah" post for blended families.  This is not a positive post about biological mothers.  This is my honest to goodness reaction. Its a way for me to attempt to let go of the feelings.  A place to put them so others understand if they have felt the same way.  I may change my mind later about how I feel, they are my emotions and I am allowed to feel them.  I' always telling my kids to let it out, I need to follow my own advice.

I love the feedback and honest reactions from readers - that being said please no flaming.  I'm sharing honestly so others can see how this path can feel at times.
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We received a request today to move the "last scheduled visit" to a week later.  The request came from Bio Mom for her to "heal after giving birth later this month". (This visit is 3 weeks after she is to give birth.)

Because I'm me, I of course checked to see if we had anything scheduled on the new day.  Then I got really, really mad.

Why should the kids have to delay further? I mean after 3 months , what's another week? But then its the same week as school starting and the kids already had the date on their calendar.

Hubby said "its not an unreasonable request".

I said, "I don't give a sh*t. Don't get flipping pregnant. How about that? How about the last act as their Mom, you put them ahead of yourself. Nope. She's going to be selfish right up to the very last moment."

Even if she has a C-section, what exactly does she need to heal from*, 4 weeks later, that she can't spend  2 hours with her children?  Newsflash - if the baby was going home with her she would need to take the baby to doctors appointments, the grocery store, etc. She would need to be up every few hours for feedings and changing.  But she isn't doing that. Another Mom is going to do that. But I bet money she'll find away for a visit with the baby before she has "time to heal". If she had been successful in working her plan, she'd have 5 kids to take care of. So I'm really struggling with a 2 hour visit being a big deal.

I'm especially pissy about it because of all the promises she made - I'll sign the surrender, I'll meet with the kids' therapists, I'll write a letter to help the kids move on. And if she had - this would be a non-issue. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I don't even really feel like trying to get over it. She was wrong and my kids were hurt and for some reason witnessing it and having to manage the fall out from it makes it so much worse than all other things she did to hurt them in their short lives,

I wanted to bargain with Caseworker #3, sure we can move it back provided its in the therapists' office. Otherwise, no. Then I got mad that she put us in the hot seat. Technically, DCFS can set the visit whenever they want because they have custody of the kids.  They have tried to be considerate to me because I've tried to be flexible and have sound reasoning when I push on something, which hasn't been a lot in this case. I also need to continue to work with these people because we still don't have an adoption worker and DCFS can still force sibling visits if they want.

I instead threw back questions and sent an email to the therapy team and CASA worker.

Because when the week rolls around, I'm sure there will be another excuse. I have a gut feeling she isn't going to have a goodbye visit.  It will be too hard for her and I don't think she has any intention of staying in their life and she's taken steps to ensure that she can paint us as the bad guys. Its self-sabotage.

And you know what, I have enough crappy stuff on my plate and I don't care about what she wants or what is easiest for her.  She's been reproducing children and letting everyone else worry about it and it is literally sickening me.

I had a panic attack in the car on the way home.  I've been shaking all day and I'm having anxiety pains. She can kiss my ass.  That's how I feel about pushing the date.

*I understand that being pregnant and giving birth is physically hard and takes a toll on the body.  I also get that emotionally having your infant placed in foster care will also be hard and so would losing custody of your other children. But women have been birthing and caring for children after birth, for thousands of years. Why does she get another pass?

 

Fun With Microscopes

As a foster family we have been living under a microscope for the past 4 years.  Today the inevitable happened and a "concerned caller" reported an incident.  I don't want to put the full details out there yet (if at all).  But we did manage to find out (after the 2nd call from the department) that it was indeed Bio Mom that raised the issue.


It wasn't a hotline call, but the insinuation was that something inappropriate happened. There will be no investigation (at this point in time) and we volunteered a safety plan of sorts to ensure no future confusion. I could see how the phrasing of a beloved family bonding activity could have caused someone to raise an eyebrow if taken out of context. I actually said I'm glad someone cares enough about the kids to double check and I stayed relatively calm about the pseudo accusation.


Then I found out it was Bio Mom and I got really irritated. I get that she's angry. I also get we are the obvious target.  But if you were so concerned about something that happened a month ago, why didn't you bring it up then? This type of behavior is unproductive and not helpful.  And it puts us in a tough spot because it forces us to fulfill her assumption that we will cut her out of their life. And more importantly, it puts your kids at risk for a disruption and that's harmful to them. We have the support of the casework to stop facilitating the phone calls if the attitude continues to be a problem.


I realize that this is more of the same type of behavior we experienced with Stella and Sarah's former foster mom.  It was ugly and stressful and I really don't want to deal with it.  I also realize that we aren't dealing with a stable person.  I just wish I could respond with the snark and bitchiness this deserves.  Its going to be a long 6 months to the next permanency hearing  where the goal could change to adoption.

My Own Trigger

I have a few posts on pause because I deemed them simply too sad for the week of Thanksgiving. Wednesday morning as I dropped the kids off and still couldn't shake the urge to cry I realized that perhaps, I was experiencing my own trauma anniversary. Which makes sense. My Grandma passed the day before Thanksgiving two years ago and I miss her terribly.

Today is the actual anniversary date and I'm handling it fairly well. I think for me the day before Thanksgiving is my trigger. I was a mess. I volunteered to make the turkey at her house and spend the night to keep my grandfather company. And as I was opening every drawer in her kitchen, trying to familiarize myself with the location of everything, I prayed that I could recall the lessons she taught me about her secret to amazing stuffing. Then I had to laugh because at 31 it was really the first time I was allowed in the kitchen while cooking was going on and no one was telling me to move.

It did a little introspection. I checked in with my emotions and feelings and I think the one I'm feeling the most is anger.  I'm angry that I'm still grieving. I'm angry that I'm preparing myself to grieve more when the kids go home. I was even angry at mass on Thanksgiving. A couple got up to talk about what they were grateful for and the spoke about adoption. The thanked God for giving them the means to adopt internationally, then have biological children, and now are bring another child home through adoption. Then I was angry at myself for being angry that God was seemingly providing for them and not me.

And I'm letting the little things make me angry. Like the fact that the kids Mom wasn't home on Wednesday when they kids showed up for the visit. And that after 30 minutes of driving around her town they brought the kids back to daycare ( 45 minutes each way) and then picked them up ten minutes later when they finally got a hold of her and drove them back to her house. I'm angry about her new iPhone 5 (because I'm sorry if the court changes your permanency goal just so you can qualify for a housing grant I don't think that means you should be out buying the latest technology in smart phones). I'm angry that she bought Little Mama very expensive fashion sneakers when Mr. Mohawk and Jelly Bean actually need every day shoes. I'm angry that I'm being judgemental and petty. I'm angry that the kids are still having nightmares and wetting the bed and throwing up on days they see her and I'm angry that it doesn't matter.

So I did what I do best when I get angry -  I cleaned. I organized. I shampooed my carpets. Then I got a little creative and painted the kids' Christmas ornaments. Because sometimes I just need to get crafty.

If I'm working through the stages of grief, I believe bargaining is next.

Unfair

Wednesday I recieved what I would consider two major blows. The first was a phone call from the District Attorney's office. The Victim Advocate called to set up a meeting with Little Mama to prep her for a pretrial hearing in the case agianst the Monster that hurt JB in foster care. I'm sorry did I hear you right - LM has to testify? When is the hearing? 2 weeks? And I'm just finding this out now? Do you know she was abused also? And that guy is sitting in jail? And its a major issue with my kids as he was the father of another one of the kids? Luckily this was in time for her trauma therapist to prep her before the DA. To say I was caught off guard was an understatement. And man am I worried about the trigger this might be. After a year in therapy she still hasn't disclosed ANY of the details of her abuse to her therapist. This may just be the log that breaks the dam.

Then Case Worker came over for our monthly visit. We had emailed with some major concerns about visits. We were right they aren't going well. Why aren't they going well? According to their Mom its because the kids are in a non-Spanish speaking home. There is a law in Illinois that states that Spanish speaking parents are entitled to have the right to say whether or not their children can be in English speaking homes. They must sign a waiver if it is ok for this to happen. Our foster kid's mother did not sign it. And after all of the Spanish speaking placements for her 4 children disrupted they were placed in our home together after 9 months of being seperated.

According to everyone in the case they are doing wonderfully here. They are excelling at school, begining to heal in therapy, finally stabalized after 9 months of moves (5 other houses between them). And because of this their service providers and case worker are finding out more and more of the poor choices and abuse that these kids have suffered through. And as their visit time has increased so has their Mom's inability to handle the 4 kids that she has. 1) because there are 4 of them 2) because they don't trust her 3)they are acting out big time because they know she can't hit them 4) one of them is 4 and a boy 5) one of them has ADHD 6) she doesn't have a support system 7) she hasn't taken responsibility for her actions 8) she has had a therapist for a year that was a total idiot. (He's the reason family therapy stopped.)

And because she can't take responsibility and blames everyone else it is now OUR fault that her children are refusing to speak Spanish around her. And she wants them moved to a Spanish speaking home. And she has the power to do so even though it was her actions that caused them to be removed in the first place. Not caring that this will absoluetly traumatize them further. Not caring that finally her 7 year old is able to hug a father figure without fear. Not caring that her children can now read and are doing well in school. Not realizing that maybe if she stopped shoving Mexico down their throat they might stop rebelling. Or if she stopped telling them they will be moving to Mexico or that she will be moving to Mexico with or without them they might be willing to embrace their heritage. Not realizing that instead of ignoring her children at visits because their Spanish isn't where she wants it she could use the time to interact with them and teach them or speak to them in the English she does know so they weren't so darn frustrated and acting out. And perhaps learning English would help her land a better paying job so she wasn't so stressed about finances or dependent on boyfriends to take care of her AND her four children.

Now before I get flamed on my blog about my insensitivity to their Mom or what sounds like non-support of the reunification goal let me give you some background on our family. My husband is hispanic. 100%. My Mother-in-Law speaks fluent Spanish as does my husband's Step Father, and best friend. We support and encourage the kids to use their Spanish. They flat out refuse. And while I understand listening to music or forcing them to watch tv and movies in Spanish or conversing with our friends and family who do speak Spanish is a lousy 2nd to living with people who speak fluent Spanish it isn't like we are trying to take it away from them. Additionally, our support of their eduction, mental health, and other needs has been above and beyond as all of their service providers have told us. I'm not one to toot my own horn but when their bilingual trauma therapist looks be dead in the eye and tells me she rarely gives compliments but believes we are one of the best foster parents she's ever worked with and in her professional opinion thinks we are the best possible home for them I have to believe her. She also believes this problem with Spanish started way before they got put in DCFS care and this is evidenced by the fact that the youngest was given an evaluation in Spanish but answered everything in English. Why? because his older sister who was learning English in school was taking care of him.

But none of that matters. Because as hard as I try to help these kids heal their Mother is making more work for them.And the law gives her that power. And I understand there is a serious and real concern that the youngest won't be able to understand her when he returns home. And I take that seriously, I really do. So in order to prevent ANOTHER move we have to enroll them in Spanish classes. So between school, and three therapists, weekly visits, and perhaps family therapy starting they will have Spanish class. And to top all that off we may be required to speak to their Mom, in Spanish. This part is still fuzzy.

But as their therapist relayed this requirement to me it just seemed incredibly unfair. Because on top of caring for 4 children, working full time, and trying to keep my sanity I will now have to jump through several hoops when their Mother has not had to jump through a single one. And I cried in her office. With my foster children on the other side of the wall. Angry that their Mother doesn't understand that their well being and her issues go well beyond them speaking Spanish. Or how incredibly fragile her children are. And that to me there was no other option than trying to comply with these requests to protect HER kids. And knowing that at the end of this she is supposed to get them back and has the right to take them out of our lives forever. And because my husband did not not grow up speaking Spanish and actually didn't do very well taking it in High School I will now have to brush up on mine. So it rides on my shoulders. Luckily I took Spanish from 7th grade up through college. But its rusty. And I never thought I was very good. But I will do it because thats whats best for these kids. And when they complain and ask me why they have to go to ANOTHER appointment none of their friends have to go to I will lie and say because the judge made it a rule because that is also for their best interest.

If I'm being perfectly honest....

I would grade myself as a D for Mommy today. I yelled. I was annoyed. I was tired. At one point I tried to hide in my room (which for anyone with kids probably knows is damn near impossible). I really wanted out of this commitment and this life I got us in to. And then I felt guilty for feeling all these things. I really just want to curl into a ball and cry my heart out. Have one of those long ugly cries with snot everyway and my face scrunched and then just fall to sleep from sheer exhaustion.

The thing is I know WHY some of today was the way it was. We had a day to do nothing and I didn't realize before my kids don't do "nothing" well. We had no structure in our weekend and while I was looking so forward to that I didn't remember they don't handle that well and this is really the first time in 2 months we haven't had a bunch of places to be on a weekend. We were also supposed to visit with Little Mama and Gabby's first Foster Mom this afternoon. This created all kinds of misbehaving from them that we don't normally see and I know they were keyed up.

And thus lays this slippery slope that we find ourself on in Foster Care. We are supposed to do the BEST we can for the kids and keep them in contact with loved ones but we get PUNISHED every step of the way. But we can't stop visits with these people because of the backlash we have to do it in spite of the backlash because its supposed to be the best thing for them in the long run. We must support reunification even if we know it means that these children will likely be robbed of a million opportunities due to circumstance or lack of support.

I know it will benefit the girls to see that this woman who had them moved from her home because of her biological son (and her disinterest in forming a safety plan with him regarding the girls) and still misses them and cares deeply. I try not to be angry for the hurt she caused and be grateful that she took this action because if she hadn't they wouldn't be here in my life. But it sucked big time today when I was playing referee ALL DAY. Wiping away tears and doling out time outs. And it sucked even more when I got a voicemail saying that her family had an emergency and she wasn't going to be coming. Watching these kids be let down (even though I was dreading the reactions and after math of her departure) was even worse.

In my heart I know we are doing good things. I know I wouldn't change it if given the chance but today I wished their Mom could get her act together and take her kids. I know I love them. I know also that they frustrated the Hell out of me today. What frustrated me more was my inability to control my own temper. And the guilt at all of the above. I had a gut check moment where I asked myself if I knew they would stay with us forever if I would feel the same way and the answer was no. If I knew that today was for healing and that it meant in 10 years we would be a family - not a foster family I probably would not have felt so overwhelmed. And by contrast I felt awful for questioning whether I would be feeling the same things if I knew they were for sure going home. I feel hopeless and helpless. And yet I know that no matter I much I feel these things these 4 amazing kids feel it worse and I know that means I have to pull myself out of this pity party and be better.

Oh My Goodness.....

Am I exhausted. It could be from the tons of walking in the unseasonable warmth Orlando, Florida had this week or the 6AM wake up and 1AM bedtimes or trying to wrangle 4 kids in the Happiest Place on Earth. However, I believe it is the emotional exhaustion that I have from my 7 year old foster daughten from the past week. Because she pushed EVERY S.I.N.G.L.E. BUTTON that I have. Every one.

Now maybe it was naive for us to think we could take 4 children to Disney World and come back on speaking terms but my husband and I - Disney veterans- thought how bad could it be? Apparently, the answer is pretty bad. To th ep[oint I actually was on hold with Disney Babysitting trying to price out a day of services. I can't tell you how many times I said "Jelly Bean please stop (insert favorite annoying behavior here ie:jumping,bumping strangers, hitting your sibling,walking ahead/behind us, rolling your eyes, talking back, climbing on railings, asking me to buy things, asking to use the camera, complaining. And teh yelling came and I could do nothing to stop it.

How is it that a 7 year old could make me so gosh darn angry? It was like she did the opposite of everything I said. And she promised over and over that she was going to change her behavior and didn't. To the point where I couldn't believe her anymore. Even her siblings began to tire of her antics. But when asked at therapy today how her trip was and if she got in trouble? Awesome - and no trouble.

I'll write more tomorrow this week with more of the fun details and fun things that have been going on but right now I'm going to bed.