FAQs

I had some questions asked of me recently that I thought I would answer here:

1) How do you keep doing this after so much crap?
I actually had two different foster moms ask me this. One dealing with a false allegation and one in a kinship case with a pregnant, unstable bio mom.

I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I signed up for them so I feel I need to continue dealing with the other stuff.

After 5 years of actively foster parenting I've seen all of this work out to the benefit of children.  The Fab Four have been with Maria for 3 1/2 years. The system ultimately helped them. Except for that whole Jelly Bean being molested by a foster parent thing, they are a foster care success story.  Solana got to be raised with her siblings and will continue to have a relationship with them.  My kids found a forever family and are healing from their trauma.

I have also gained from these experiences.  I have an empathy I wasn't capable of before. I have an understanding of the experience of others that I would never have bothered to pay attention to, had I not become a foster parent.  My soul is full knowing that I helped families, that I did something important with my life. If I die tomorrow, that would be enough for me to feel like my time on Earth was important.

I think there is a certain filter that gets applied after a certain amount of experiences where you can kind of step back and go - yeah, that's really not that big of a deal. I was wrong a lot at the beginning. I'm probably wrong a lot now too, but I try to view things through that lens now.  "The bio parents aren't evil they need our help" lens. And man after participating in some of these public forum with lots of foster parents, the bio parents really need our help.  I can't believe how much hatred there appears to be towards the parents.  I mean sure I recognize it, I was there once too, but I grew from it. Its really scary to me sometimes.

2) How are we doing?
We've been better and we've been worse. I don't know how much is holiday related and how much is just normal craziness with our lives.  Hubby and I are both slammed at work and are juggling very full plates. Somehow though we have managed to get to a really good place, maybe the best we've ever been in, in terms of sharing feelings, concerns, and listening to each other.  One of my biggest fears of Solana going home was that we would end up where we were when the Fab Four went home. We almost ended our marriage. It was ugly. Right now our struggle seems to be staying therapeutic. It seems our response to stress is to revert to old patterns of parenting that don't work.  So we are trying to get back on track with that. The next week marks three years that the kids moved in with us so some of it could be traumaversary related. Stella and Sarah don't seem to remember their initial reluctance to let go of their previous foster family but it was a really difficult transition for them.

I think we are seeing anxiety manifest itself in different ways from the kids and I'm hoping that being on winter break will help reduce some of their stress since they don't have homework and tests to worry about. They've gotten through 3 weeks of Solana being gone for overnight visits and I think they have seen how this might make things easier from time to time.  I think we'll probably have another 4 weeks before she officially moves. Hopefully by then our therapist's contract with the state will be signed because we haven't seen her in a month.

I think we will probably take a break for a while. I know I wrote on Facebook I sent an inquiry email about a kiddo but they found them a placement. And really, we have a lot coming up through June that I wouldn't want to add a child to.  Perhaps once Solana has been with dad for 6 months we will be ready to make a decision about continuing to foster. Smiley has said a few times "we should get another baby we can keep". I guess at this point I can't rule anything out. Seems a shame to waste these skills, LOL.

How is everyone else? Are you hanging in there? How do you keep going after all the crap?

Open

When I was researching becoming a foster parent and then (years) later researching open adoption I came across all kinds of advice about contact with birth parents.  That's the beauty of the internet, right? You can put in search terms and get exactly what you are looking for. Like most things, I found a spectrum of advice:

• Openness is bad, birth parents are dangerous and they will hurt your family. Change their names and social security numbers.
• We do pictures and a private Facebook page.
• Our kids' birth parents come over for holidays. Its good for the kids to see us together.

Here is the thing, no one has the answer for your family.  You have to figure that out.  The other information out there can be helpful but in the end you aren't going to find your answer through your internet search.

Today I realized just how far I had come in my understanding of what an open adoption and co-parenting foster parent relationship means, for us. It was right after I emailed a picture of the kids and us all dressed up for Easter and Simon and Sarah's bio dad texted me to thank me for sending.  It cost me nothing to send the picture, except for maybe 30 seconds of the day.  But he got to see his children smiling, happy, well cared for and that might have meant a great deal to him.  Especially since we never made any promises to him about what contact would be after the TPR trial.

We had promised Sheila pictures at least four times a year and maybe a call. We told her we would discuss in person visits when the adoption is finalized (depending on the kids).  So far we've sent pictures nearly monthly and had calls almost as frequently.  If I'm being honest, Solana has probably been the driving force of that since December for both Sheila and us.  But again, it cost us nothing to give her 20 minutes on a phone call and some pictures. In the end thought it may make all the difference in terms of permanency for Solana.  But also my kids gained something this month.  Sheila shared stories about them when they were little.  A precious tidbit that I now am able to repeat back to them. And while all the other frustrations and issues of being the foster parent to her daughter are there, she is at least making an effort to continue to give the kids support in their adoption. Using their new names and apologizing when she forgets. 

And then there is Solana's Dad, who makes an effort to email at least once or twice a week.  Asking how we are before he asks about Solana. He responds to pictures of her with cute sayings and also sends us messages thanking us for taking care of her so well.  I'm to the point where I can see us doing a visit with him soon. (Plus he sends the expensive diapers from time to time.)

Are the birth parents in our situation dangerous? Perhaps.  Both the birth fathers have been to jail for domestic violence. Am I scared of them? No. I haven't given them our address but its probably very easy to find it. But none of them are gang affiliated or have threatened me.  We haven't gotten a Facebook Page going but I wouldn't be opposed to it.  That would mean Sheila would need to unblock me.

At some point, I envision Solana's Dad and Sheila coming to a family event. We will be talking about a park visit with Solana's Dad in the next few months. There is a need to build a strong relationship with him so that we don't loose her in our lives if she returns home and also reassure him we can be the open holiday spending version of adoption if he decides that he wants her to be adopted. 

Even the contact with the birth parents for just our family, falls on a spectrum.  We do it for our kids and also because while these individuals couldn't be parents to their kids, they do love them and it costs us nothing to be kind. I remember a moment with Maria years ago where I made the decision to treat her how I wanted to be treated if our roles were reversed.  This is the same approach and its working very well for us.

So take from us what you can, if it fits your needs.  Or if you just want to believe its possible.  I remember giving examples of blogs I read to family members that it really could be done.

What ways do you have openness in your relationships through foster care and adoption? Leave a comment, share your knowledge!

If I'm Being Honest

Warning: This is a really honest post.  I fully acknowledge that towards the end of cases things get way harder for everyone.  It also gets harder to keep the rational part of my brain the loudest voice in my head.  This is not a "rah rah" post for blended families.  This is not a positive post about biological mothers.  This is my honest to goodness reaction. Its a way for me to attempt to let go of the feelings.  A place to put them so others understand if they have felt the same way.  I may change my mind later about how I feel, they are my emotions and I am allowed to feel them.  I' always telling my kids to let it out, I need to follow my own advice.

I love the feedback and honest reactions from readers - that being said please no flaming.  I'm sharing honestly so others can see how this path can feel at times.
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We received a request today to move the "last scheduled visit" to a week later.  The request came from Bio Mom for her to "heal after giving birth later this month". (This visit is 3 weeks after she is to give birth.)

Because I'm me, I of course checked to see if we had anything scheduled on the new day.  Then I got really, really mad.

Why should the kids have to delay further? I mean after 3 months , what's another week? But then its the same week as school starting and the kids already had the date on their calendar.

Hubby said "its not an unreasonable request".

I said, "I don't give a sh*t. Don't get flipping pregnant. How about that? How about the last act as their Mom, you put them ahead of yourself. Nope. She's going to be selfish right up to the very last moment."

Even if she has a C-section, what exactly does she need to heal from*, 4 weeks later, that she can't spend  2 hours with her children?  Newsflash - if the baby was going home with her she would need to take the baby to doctors appointments, the grocery store, etc. She would need to be up every few hours for feedings and changing.  But she isn't doing that. Another Mom is going to do that. But I bet money she'll find away for a visit with the baby before she has "time to heal". If she had been successful in working her plan, she'd have 5 kids to take care of. So I'm really struggling with a 2 hour visit being a big deal.

I'm especially pissy about it because of all the promises she made - I'll sign the surrender, I'll meet with the kids' therapists, I'll write a letter to help the kids move on. And if she had - this would be a non-issue. I'm not over it. I'm just not. I don't even really feel like trying to get over it. She was wrong and my kids were hurt and for some reason witnessing it and having to manage the fall out from it makes it so much worse than all other things she did to hurt them in their short lives,

I wanted to bargain with Caseworker #3, sure we can move it back provided its in the therapists' office. Otherwise, no. Then I got mad that she put us in the hot seat. Technically, DCFS can set the visit whenever they want because they have custody of the kids.  They have tried to be considerate to me because I've tried to be flexible and have sound reasoning when I push on something, which hasn't been a lot in this case. I also need to continue to work with these people because we still don't have an adoption worker and DCFS can still force sibling visits if they want.

I instead threw back questions and sent an email to the therapy team and CASA worker.

Because when the week rolls around, I'm sure there will be another excuse. I have a gut feeling she isn't going to have a goodbye visit.  It will be too hard for her and I don't think she has any intention of staying in their life and she's taken steps to ensure that she can paint us as the bad guys. Its self-sabotage.

And you know what, I have enough crappy stuff on my plate and I don't care about what she wants or what is easiest for her.  She's been reproducing children and letting everyone else worry about it and it is literally sickening me.

I had a panic attack in the car on the way home.  I've been shaking all day and I'm having anxiety pains. She can kiss my ass.  That's how I feel about pushing the date.

*I understand that being pregnant and giving birth is physically hard and takes a toll on the body.  I also get that emotionally having your infant placed in foster care will also be hard and so would losing custody of your other children. But women have been birthing and caring for children after birth, for thousands of years. Why does she get another pass?

 

Delay

The good news is our foster care license has been renewed for another four years and our new home passed inspection.  The licensing worker tried to get me to add another two beds for a total of six. 

Umm...that's a no. In fact, its a not on your life.

But what about the baby? If you want to take the baby I will have to come back out. 

You have to come back in 6 months anyway.  We'll just call it that visit.  (And the last time they extended our license for siblings no one came back out so I'm not really sure that was correct.) And I'm not getting all those phone calls.  I will only possibly take the sibling.  We haven't discussed it yet.

The bad news is we still do not have a trial date.  The status hearing that has been continued since October was re-set for April. 7 months since the goal change.  Additionally, Sheila wants to have their next monthly visit at an arcade which is 1 1/2 hours from our house.  That makes their visit a 7 hour ordeal.

For months I have patiently took the approach that this is a few last visits and not commented other than to suggest their life books be worked on.  But the last visit in the community was pretty stressful on the kids and created a situation where old behaviors resumed and haven't left. But now that we have at least another 2 visits before the next court date I can't bite my tongue.

I called the CASA Worker.  Calmly expressed my concern over the speed of permanency and the type, length, and location of the visits.  She can spend 3 hours in the car.  They aren't working to return home so it makes no sense as to why the visits have to be near her community.  Transport her or shorten the visit. They therapists are also not in favor with the current visitation plans.

Caseworker #3's response is this is Bio Mom's time to do with as she sees fit as long as it is appropriate. Banging my head on the wall.

No one cares about my opinion.  I know that.  Nothing will change.  I know that too.  But I also demanded that a Family/Team meeting be scheduled.  That at least, I can make a stink about.

To be honest, I'm feeling pretty over being in the system. The limbo in which the kids are stuck is pointless and it makes me angry.  They can't really attach until they are sure they are staying.  They also can't process anything until we can tell them that adoption is officially the goal.  The "you aren't working on going home anymore but we are waiting for the judge" is a confusing concept. Smiley's version to my Mom was "there is a Judge now and she says my other Mommy didn't take care of us."

I just want to be done. Put my house together, work on running and school and raise my kids without the input of others. 




 

It's Not About Me

I've been having a rough week. We all have them. It's not surprising, especially during the holidays for there to be some stress  but I had some added stressors this week and so I need to remind myself that when my kid works on something really hard and decides to wrap it up and give it to his Biological Mom, that it's not about me.

The sting I felt when he said "I made this for my Mom" was real. I'm a person. I have feelings. Last week if he had said, "I made this for my Mom" I might not have even pondered it. But as I sat waiting for the four of them to wrap up therapy, thoroughly exhausted from all that transpired this week, it hurt my feelings.

Let me be clear- I am glad my kid feels they can ask me for help with something as important as a handmade gift for their Mom. And I want to support positive feelings, interactions and memories about their Mom. (And to be fair, I got a beautiful picture drawn just for me last week when I was sick.) 

And his reason for making the necklace was heartbreaking.  It was "so my Mom doesn't forget about me." My poor baby. So afraid that he could be forgotten. It makes me angry and then I got mad at myself.

This is an honest piece of fostering/adoption. There are always those "others" who play and important role regardless of how poorly they have acted. Kids don't measure it that way. Nature doesn't build us that way. We are meant to count on our parents when we are young and then some. And parents are meant to support their children. Sometimes it doesn't work that way due to addiction or mental illness. 

We break that cycle now for these kids.

My Mom, Grandpa, Aunt and Goddaughter all showed up for Simon this week. We didn't forget his concert. We clapped and waved and smiled from the audience as he sang his heart out. And when he got to tell everyone what he liked best about the holidays he said:

"I love the holidays because I get to spend time with my family."

His family.

Yes buddy we are and we can't forget you. No necklace needed.