I Should Have Shut My Mouth

So as I was typing: "So far the summer has been fairly quiet in terms of trauma related issues, and foster care." I actually thought to myself, don't type that. The moment you type that, the Universe is going to send some your way. And sure enough, it did. Ugh.

Shortly after I wrote the July update post, I found out that the kids' older brother was coming to visit Shiela. The kids hadn't seen him in at least 5 years. They literally got on a bus and never saw him again. Smiley was around the age of 3. Simon, who was the only one that had lived with his brothers was 4. He remembers his brothers and has talked the most about missing them in the past. When Solana was returning home, this was a big part of the grief and fear he felt. 

About a week after I found out Big Brother was coming to visit, Sheila sent me a message and asked if we could have a visit with Big Brother and the kids. 

Since we had been helping Solana's Dad "SD" out with childcare, I offered to supervise some visits for Sheila and Solana.  I didn't want any family court drama aimed at SD for lack of visitation since he was being so generous with her spending time with her siblings. This came with a predictable amount of frustration. Lack of planning, cancelling, inconvenient visit times. There was even a message exchange where she was trying to draw me in to the trash talking. So I was slightly nervous about a visit with Big Brother because if it fell through, the kids would be crushed.

There was also a fair amount of worry about how long Big Brother was staying.  Was it 2 weeks, a month? Forever? Was I going to get a call because something happened and now The Department was involved? Could we take on a 14 year old if we had to? How did Big Brother feel about a visit? Was he supportive of the adoption? Jealous? Did he have enough emotional support for reuniting with his siblings? 

Hubby and I also felt we needed to prepare the kids for such a big visit so it wasn't as if we could tell them on the way to the visit. we met with our amazing therapist and came up with a "talk track" and canned answers to anticipated questions.  

The kids were excited and very nervous.  Mostly, they were nervous about what to say to Big Brother. We came up with a list of questions of things they wanted to know about him and decided on the zoo as the best place for a visit.  Thank you to everyone who gave us suggestions! They were helpful for planning this visit and future ones!

What was interesting was that they seemed very indifferent to Sheila.  It was a "I could take her or leave her" vibe.  We've seen her more than I expected we would but it is mainly because of Solana.  I think this is fine, but I also try to be cautious as some of the conversations her and I have had were very reminiscent of "your just their foster parent".  It's so hard to know what the right balance is.

Overall, the visit went well.  We spent a good part of the day at the zoo.  We sought shelter during a rain storm and played Heads Up on my phone.  Ice Cream and Sarah broke the ice.  Simon struggled and I don't think he ever worked up the nerve to say more than a few words to Big Brother.  At one point I confided in Big Brother that Simon really wanted to talk with him but was so nervous and had no idea what to say.  And Big Brother replied that he felt the same way.  It was sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. We ended up having dinner together and I was able to exchange phone numbers with him so hopefully the kids will be able to chat and keep in touch.  There were a few mannerisms he and Simon shared and him and Sarah have the same sense of humor. I'm glad we had the opportunity to see him and I am appreciative that Sheila gave us the opportunity.

You Have a Nice Family

Sometimes the hardest part of losing my Grandma is that she didn't get to meet my kids or see me be a Mom. Its hard to explain what an amazing woman she was. She was never alone because she made friends everywhere.  She had a Facebook page. She was notorious for not knowing how to work ANY of her cameras...like ever. She had a laugh you could hear across the house and she had a quirk about sharing utensils. And man she could make the smallest get togethers totally special. She worked hard to make sure her family knew she loved them for being them. Even when we failed, sometimes miserably, she always gave us the encouragement or the kick in the ass that we needed.

I know I'm doing a good job of telling my kids about her because in moments when I admit to them that I wish they could have met her they say to me, "Mom I feel like I love her even though I never met her." And that warms my heart and makes the loss slightly easier.

For whatever reason, today was a day I missed her incredibly. Its been almost 6 months since I've had a dream with her in it and I'm afraid that means I won't have one again. I'm afraid that I've lost the spiritual connection to her. I know I will see her in Heaven but I'm impatient. (One of the lessons I know that God wanted to teach me was patience when He showed me the path of Foster Care.)

I think maybe I was missing her so much because we were near her house today and decided to eat at our favorite pizza place. And when I say our, I mean our entire family. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins this was the place we always went to (and still do). The majority of birthdays, to celebrate an achievement, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Friday.....Any opportunity we could we'd meet up in this tiny little dive pizza place that only sells pizza, has no delivery, accepts only cash or check, and has seating for maybe 40 people, maybe. The place has been there for more than 50 years and hasn't changed much over the years. As I sat down at one of the tables with my family I was hit with tears. Continuing the legacy as it were.

Within minutes our pizza was set on our table and we proceeded to inhale the deliciousness. We ate pretty much in silence because the pizza is that good. We joked a bit as we slowed down on the chewing and enjoyed the time together. A rare non-eventful day where there were no tantrums, no tears, and everyone was getting along. As we were getting up to leave the elderly folks at the table next to us were leaving too. One of the woman who had a smile like my Grandmother touched my arm and said to me,

"You have a very nice family. I was watching you and you just have such a  lovely family."

I smiled and said, "Thank you. Thank you for noticing."

Its is very much the kind of thing my Grandma would say to a family sharing our space who seemed nice and had well behaved children. And crazy as it might seem I really think my Grandma was working through that woman.

And if it wasn't, it was a good reminder that at the end of the day we really are a nice family. It was also really nice to have someone who doesn't know our back story see us as "normal". To not be the instant family, or the foster family, or even have someone question if we are related. To not have someone tell us we are nice because we became foster parents but rather because we are nice to each other and had a nice time and it showed.

Rookie Mistakes

Last year we took all four kids to see the Easter bunny like 7 days after they moved in.  I was excited to get them all dressed up and go do this ritual Moms participate in. Man, was I stupid.  The line was an hour long, the girls weren't getting along, there were tears, and when we finally got up to possibly the saddest looking bunny I've ever seen, Mr. Mohawk was terrified and refused to sit on his lap. (Little did I know this would also be his reaction to Mickey Mouse until we bribed him with Ice Cream.)

So this year I'm taking a do-over. We did not make grand plans. The kids went in kid clothing (although despite me telling JB to go put on nice jeans and a nice shirt she came down in an outfit that was  black, grey, and yellow skirt/legging combo and red heeled shoes) and we went to the dinky mall up the street. I did not go with high hopes that this will be a magical memory that they wil look back on for years to come. Nope.  This will just be another year we saw the Easter Bunny because thats what we do in THIS house. The kids were excited. They waited patiently in line.  The giggled and laughed and then took an excellent picture. I also watched as family after family tried to get their crying children to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap.  We bought the picture and then headed to meet hubby for lunch. No issues. No crying. No pointed looks or warnings of time outs to come.

Thanksgiving

As I reflect on the past year I realize how vastly different the list of things I'm thankful for this year compared to last year. The day before Thanksgiving last year my grandmother passed. I was thankful then that she was no longer suffering but that was pretty much it. I was angry and scared and I wasn't happy about much. The year that has followed brought me motherhood, a better relationship with my husband, a new job that I love and many new friends. I'm am thankful for all of these things.

As we spent the day with family my foster kids who were not with their family did pretty good. It was a long day and they held it together pretty much until the end. I only handed out 1 timeout which is a pretty good day for us. I'm bracing myself for tomorrow and Saturday's post visit behavior but hey I'll take for now. I'm glad they got to see how caring supportive families interact. And they felt safe and comfortable most of the day.

I don't know if this is the only Thanksgiving they will spend with us. I hope not but that isn't for me to decide. I remembered today that there are those who do not have what I have. My kids have taught me that. I pray for those who go without - without food, clothing, shelter, employment and especially those who went without family today.

Tomorrows adventure? Chopping down our own Christmas tree.

Tricky Treat

Jelly Bean did her best to self sabotage Halloween. She tantrumed for the first time on Sunday since starting her new mood disorder medication. All day long she was in trouble. It's so sad that this kid has been so hurt that she tries to make sure nothing good comes her way. In the end we recovered and we went about the festivities.

She was a pirate which fit her very well. Little Mama was a pink kitty cat, Gabby a witch with a pink boa adorned hat, and mr. Mohawk was an Angry Bird. His costume matched mine. The dog was his usual pumpkin which is absolutely adorable. My Mom and I scooped up the kids from daycare (and my little guy was sad since we missed the parade but seriously? They are in day care because we work. Just because it's Halloween doesn't mean it's a half day for me.) and headed to Hubby's office for some cynical trick or treating. The place was a ghost town so it didn't take long. We got home took a few pictures and headed out.

Constant reminders of say please and thank you and help your brother and less than an hour later the kids were ready to pack it in. Then they dumped their haul on the table. Sorted out things they can't have like gum and things they didn't want. They traded and contributed to Mom and Dad's pity pile :)

It was awesome fun. No melt downs. Lots of smiles. No one in trouble. A good day. And I feel ready to handle more of the same. But tonight I'll be snapped back into reality when the therapists arrive and the kids go to family therapy tomorrow.

This is what my family looks like....

Blogger land has been EXTREMELY helpful to me this past year (my GOD its been a year!). I began following and reading some really articulate and interesting blogs by other Foster/Adoptive Parents and I can't thank them enough. I don't know any of the personally but none the less they have each helped me in some way even if it was just to know that there were other woman out there who go through the same things that I do. (Many of them have much, much more on their plates.) Jen over at A Nickles Worth of Common Sense is one of these wonderful people.

Race and ethnicity are sometimes complex issues but as Jen pointed out they can make life more beautiful and interesting. And despite having been with a hispanic (Puerto Rican) man for the last 10 years, five of which I've had a hispanic last name, I never really FELT the difference until my Mexican kids showed up. My beautiful dark haired, brown eyed, tanned kids who are a stark contrast to my fair Irish skin, Blue eyes, and light brown hair. The kids who speak an entire other language that I desperately wish I could remember from all of those college classes. And while there are times we are blown away by how similar they are to us I am well aware that they have lived in a world that is the polar opposite of mine.

They have been beaten and preyed on. They have been homeless. They have moved more times in 6 months than I have in my entire life. They have witnessed their mother being attacked and alcoholism in action. They have had family murdered and shot at. They have been on food stamps and shared 1 room in a house with 5 other families.

I have no idea what people think what when they see all of us together. My husband is hispanic but is most often mistaken for Italian. (I'm the Italian.) And I'm not sure I care what they think. But I do wish I could peal back the curtain and take a glimps to make sure they SEE that we ARE a family. We may not be from the same culture or socioeconomic status, or even cheer for the same baseball team but we are a family, even if it is "Just for now".

Saturday we are having a birthday party for Mr. Mohawk. He is turning 4 and we have invited the family and friends that have kids. In an effort to avoid any additional confusion or "kids say the darndest things" moments we talked last night about the guest list. This includes their previous foster family who's make up is of biological, adoptive, and fostering. And my cousin who's family is made up of a transracial international adoption.My Godchild who has half brothers who have half siblings and step siblings. It will be a mixed bag and as we were discussing it my heart was happy understanding just how much uniquness our family has. We aren't traditional and I wouldn't change that at all.

Oh My Goodness.....

Am I exhausted. It could be from the tons of walking in the unseasonable warmth Orlando, Florida had this week or the 6AM wake up and 1AM bedtimes or trying to wrangle 4 kids in the Happiest Place on Earth. However, I believe it is the emotional exhaustion that I have from my 7 year old foster daughten from the past week. Because she pushed EVERY S.I.N.G.L.E. BUTTON that I have. Every one.

Now maybe it was naive for us to think we could take 4 children to Disney World and come back on speaking terms but my husband and I - Disney veterans- thought how bad could it be? Apparently, the answer is pretty bad. To th ep[oint I actually was on hold with Disney Babysitting trying to price out a day of services. I can't tell you how many times I said "Jelly Bean please stop (insert favorite annoying behavior here ie:jumping,bumping strangers, hitting your sibling,walking ahead/behind us, rolling your eyes, talking back, climbing on railings, asking me to buy things, asking to use the camera, complaining. And teh yelling came and I could do nothing to stop it.

How is it that a 7 year old could make me so gosh darn angry? It was like she did the opposite of everything I said. And she promised over and over that she was going to change her behavior and didn't. To the point where I couldn't believe her anymore. Even her siblings began to tire of her antics. But when asked at therapy today how her trip was and if she got in trouble? Awesome - and no trouble.

I'll write more tomorrow this week with more of the fun details and fun things that have been going on but right now I'm going to bed.

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

My son. T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D. of the local hockey team mascot. They have face painting and games for kids before games and while we were standing in line for the face painting the Wolf came out to greet everyone. Now Mr. Mohawk was excited about the wolves. He wore his wolf shirt. He made sure to show everyone how wolves howl (oow, oww wooo). And pointed excitedly - Ooh Mommy there’s da wolf. But the minute that wolf came within 15 feet of him it was clawing and scratching to get up in our arms.

Now I was prepared for this. We are taking the kids to Disney World. I am re-reading my trusty Unofficial Guide to Disney World and actually reading the chapter on Disney with kids. (Sadly, we’ve always gone with adults. HA!) And one BIG warning was that 60% of preschoolers are afraid of the characters in costume. Some of the tips were not to force the kids on the characters and to try and show them by example that the characters aren’t going to hurt them by having an adult approach.

So we tried this technique. Mommy went up towards the wolf and declawed my son’s hand from my jacket he was screaming “No Mommy don’t go in there. He’s going to bite you!”. Its too bad I can’t show the pictures because the face on him and me trying to express that the wolf was friendly are hysterical. So after several tries of getting closer to the wolf we just dropped it all together. We did tell him the wolf was cousins with Mickey Mouse so of course he wouldn’t hurt us but that will probably come back to (forgive the pun) bite us in the butt. Once the wolf was a safe distance away though he was very happy to watch him go about his business and howl at him.


Now at this point you may be wondering about Jelly Bean. Well lets just say her attitude/mood was less than stellar on this day. She came home from shopping with Grandma bouncing off the walls and acting silly which may have been because both adults thought the other had given her her ADHD medication. Which was because she had told one of them she already took it (Of course denied by said child.) Or it could have been because Grandma got her some cute stuff and now she thought she could do no wrong. Either way, I could have done without the pouting and whining for the entire night. I thought for sure we’d be fine as when the kids came home from their visit the night before we played Go Fish and worked as a family and they seemed to be ok. This continued into Sunday and despite spending over an hour explaining to Jelly Bean what behavior was acceptable and not and that its up to her how she reacts and discussing that no amount of bad behavior was going to get her sent back to live with her Mom (until the judge said so) or to another foster home. That we wanted her here and we’d like it best if she was giggly happy Jelly Bean instead of Tudy miss attitude. My best guess is that these are boundary/attention seeking behaviors and I know it just takes time but I was like COME ON!

On a separate note we realized the last 3 weeks of visits have not been at Mom’s home. Per the caseworker she moved. And needs to move to another home that is more suitable for the kids. And when that happens and the case worker signs off then the visits will resume at home supervised. I don’t think this is a good sign. Especially, since she allegedly told the kids they were going to move back in 6 weeks.