Long Overdue Update

Well hello there! It has been years since I've written and published a post and recently I've had the idea that maybe this year was the year to finally write the book everyone has been telling me I should write. And in an effort to brush off those skills, I thought a life update might be helpful.

Like many foster moms, the time for blogging got smaller and smaller as the kids got older.   I also began to consider if what I was sharing in my posts was truly mine to share or if it was theirs.  If you don't put it out there for public consumption, then you don't have to decide.  The kids and I have had some pretty lengthy discussions about that.  One day we hope to collaborate.  For now, I'll tread carefully. 

Last I shared, Gabby had moved into our home in July 2020 right as she was about to start college. She turned 22 this week and is in her last full semester of her senior year of college. She spent 6 week in Spain this past summer studying abroad! Her degree is in Spanish and her dream job is to be a translator in a school setting.  

Little Mama had guardianship of Mr. Mohawk through this past summer.  At that point, Maria had gotten out of the detention center and was able to have Mr. Mohawk live with her.  He's a junior in high school and now towers over me! LM is working as a CNA. We see them most holidays and LM makes it a point to come hang out with me and Gabby.  She is now 23 and has her own apartment. She's working on finding a better paying job so she can improve her circumstances.  

Jelly Bean is married and living in Georgia.  From what I understand, the circumstances aren't the best and she's struggling to find her way to a less chaotic life.  As Gabby and LM mature, they have put in place some pretty strong boundaries where their biological family is concerned and that sometimes includes not allowing Jelly Bean to complain about chaos she creates. 

I love having the Gabby, Little Mama, and Mr. Mohawk here. We've had such amazing conversations about their time in foster care.  Probably my biggest take away is that while they don't often remember the details, the way they felt is always present.  They will sometimes get upset about something and I'll point out that they used to feel that way when they lived with me, or they had a certain reaction to an event they don't recall and they are stunned. I've found this to be true of the Forever Four as well. 

Ahh, the Forever Four....plus Solana.

Stella is a Freshman in college! She basically knocked her Senior year out of the park and earned a bunch of awards and honors. She's taking full advantage of the DCFS scholarship available to kids who were adopted or aged out of care and has had to take out zero loans for school.  Here she is at her Senior Prom.

Sarah is now a Junior in high school.  She's a talented flute player and has a part time job at one of her favorite restaurants.  She's into make-up and fashion and will be starting a cosmetology program as part of her Senior year. 

Simon is now a Sophomore in high school.  He's also a talented musician, playing the trumpet and participating in Marching Band and Pep Band. He also has made some pretty awesome wood crafts in wood shop.  His current dream is to own his own Food Truck.  

Smiley is now a sullen teenager LOL. She still has a beautiful smile, its just hidden behind the hormones and annoyance. She's a Freshman in high school.  She also participated in Marching Band and Pep Band and we are waiting to find out if she will join her siblings in Wind Symphony next year. Her mood still dictates how the day is going to go and watching her come out of her shell this year has been exciting. Here she is trying to win "Pink Day" at Band Camp.

And last but not least, Solana. Solana is now 8 and in 3rd Grade.  I call her my shadow because she is never more than a few feet away.  She's is super creative, constantly drawing, modeling clay, or building structures out of boxes, pillows and blankets. She is still living with me full time! She's on the right, at her 1st Holy Communion Party.

As I type this, I realize that the update on SD and Sheila is also way overdue.  My relationships with them are in a really awesome and beautiful place, that has changed and grown over time. It is something that deserves its own post. 

Probably the biggest change is that my marriage has ended and hubby and I are in the process of divorcing after being separated for 2 years.  We were nesting for the first 18 months of that.  Nesting means we were sharing a house to minimize the disruption to the kids. The kids stayed in the marital home and we purchased a townhouse nearby and traded off weeks, one parent being in the house with the kids and the other parent at the townhouse, switching weekly after family therapy. 

We continued that arrangement until this past summer.  I've struggled with how much to write about the reasons why that stopped.  The most complete answer I feel I can give is that Hubby made a really bad choice, that lead to legal action and a protective order between him and one of the kids. The fall-out since the "incident" has been pretty continuous and effectively made me a single parent of 6 kids with fresh trauma. It's been a really hard road for all of us the past 8 months. 

That's why everyone keeps telling me to write a book. Or maybe that's just something people say to a Mom handling one major life crisis/event after another? 

I always thought I'd title my future book "Start with One" because that's what my Grandma said to me when I told her I was becoming a Foster Parent. But lately I've been toying with "And Then The Dog Died" because of course the emotional support puppy we adopted was going to have a fatal disease and we'd have to grieve him too....

So be on the look out for more posts. What do you want to hear about first? Drop a comment here or on Facebook and let me know! 

Case Closed

Solona's last court Date was the first time I had ever walked into court and not felt anxiety. I used to have to take anti-anxiety mess to drive to court for The Fab Four and my Forever kids. I'd literally be on the verge of a panic attack the entire drive ( 1 1/2). I haven't had that happen for Solana's court days except for maybe the 1st one.

The case was called as I was parking. I walked I to the court room to find Sheila and Dad sitting in the gallery and Solana running laps around the benches, barefoot. The Judge and attorneys busy shuffling papers. Then the Judge made a comment that we should let her keep running around the courtroom because then she would nap later.

After about 10 minutes Caseworker #4 and the attorneys came back and said an agreement had been reached, the order was entered and the case was closed. The Judge had the court reporter record everyone present, asked that the record reflect Solana was running laps, and that she never had to come back.

Just like that it was over.

We went in the hallway and I told Dad how proud I was. I took a picture of them holding the order.

I had no sadness. No dissapointment. No tears. I was happy, excited, relieved that Solana was safe and that her Dad had gotten sole legal and physical custody with control over visits.

I tried to facilitate a goodbye between Solana and Sheila but when I told her to say Goodbye to Mommy while holding her, she looked at me like I was crazy and patted me while saying "Mama no goodbye. Mama here." It was probably the most awkward part of the day.

Dad and I made plans for pick up and drop off the rest of the week and then walked out together. He told Solana to say "goodbye to Mom" and handed her over to me for kisses.

About a year and a half ago he sat across from me and told me she was my baby too. He meant it this whole time and I cannot express how special that is. And he is part of the family too! This past weekend we spent a full 24 hours together with him staying the night at our place. Such an amazing gift for us to give our kids.

At the beginning I was certain we would adopt her. This is better. So much better.

Returned Home

Monday was hard. Probably the hardest Monday I've ever had. Like ever. In my life.  I was trying to remember the last time I felt so emotionally drained and I can only come up with the night my Grandmother passed away and I spent all night awake, sobbing.  Which was pretty much what I did after Solana left with Caseworker #4. 

We played and snuggled in the 30 minutes we had between the Licensing Worker and CW#4 showing up. I wrapped her in her blanket whispered I love you and I'll see you Friday and handed her over.  I sobbed behind the window as I watched the car pull away. 

I sent Hubby a text that she was gone and then I called my Mom.  She offered to bring me lunch and said she'd be over in a few hours.  I tried to get some work done and when I couldn't see through the tears decided a cat nap was necessary. I ended up asleep by 9PM, after video chatting with the dancing queen.

Here we are almost at Friday and I have to say I'm fine. Re-charged even.  I woke up Tuesday to a really sweet message from my BFF and decided that my next role as advocate was equally important. I went to a meeting with a local Child Advocacy Center to see how my company could partner to volunteer and spoke about our situation with, dare I say, poise, and enthusiasm. Because you know what? I can't come up with a single reason not to share our situation with EVERYONE involved in the system.  I want to point and shout and say see, SEE what happens when adults act like adults and the kids come first? From Bio Dad to Foster Parents, to Caseworker, to the Judge. This is what a team approach is. And it CAN work.  It doesn't have to be broken. 

I told CW#4 that this, their 1st case, will be the best case they ever have. After all, I have been a foster parent for 6 years and have watched a lot of horrific stuff.

The kids are doing good.  They have all commented that they like talking to her each night and agree that it doesn't feel any different being "official".  They like having her here on weekends and while at first they were angry, its now okay.  We've not seen too much acting out behavior and I think what we are seeing isn't related to Solana going home.  We do have some family bonding time scheduled this weekend for our family tradition of watching the Superbowl and a few family trips scheduled in March. Hubby and I also have a trip planned just the two of us in May and I'm counting down the days to that one!

I am still planning on going to the next court date. They don't have to let me in, but given my support of Bio Dad its not likely anyone will kick me out. Sheila is back in town and has requested visitation so we will see how that shakes out.

Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and positive energy these past few months. Our family appreciates them.

January 1, 2017 - A Letter to Solana

Dear Solana,

Today you and I had time just by ourselves.  Just you and I.  Its such a rare occurrence given that I'm the Mom in a house with 5 kids, a Dad and a dog. This was more than our 15 minutes alone in the car together where you either fall asleep or scream your head off.  We played. We ate lunch together. We snuggled. And I got to whisper to you "I love you" over and over again. I told you how smart you are. I told you that I was proud to be your "Mama" and you pointed to me and repeated "Mama" and then I said "Solana" and you pointed to yourself. And then you gave me a kiss and squealed in delight. And inhaled your sent, the baby detergent and the fine curls on your neck and I tried to burn the memory of how you felt in my arms deep into my brain.

This New Years Day marks time for us.  Time that will fly by. A blip in your life, really, but likely a turning point in mine. In 30 days you will officially cease to be my responsibility and Caseworker #4 will come for their last visit with us and take you to live with your Daddy.  I know your Daddy loves you and that you will be safe.  I know that he will continue to let us see you and that you won't know anything has happened because you will live at his house and at ours.  But that visit means you won't be our daughter and you will become the baby that we had to let go. The baby we never thought we wanted and had no idea that we needed. You completed our family in ways that I never could have imagined and its hard not to fear what a big gaping hole we might be left with.

But you were worth every moment. They will ask me how we could say goodbye? And I will say because she was worth it. Knowing that you will always know what a loving family felt like, what comforting touch and kisses were, that you flourished in a safe home, will be worth any amount of pain I feel about you leaving. They will ask "Didn't you get attached." And I will say, "Yes, that's what she needed. And I would do it again. I would crawl through glass to make sure she had the proper attachment." And they will say things like "I don't know how you do it" or "I could never do it" and I will simply shrug because you gave us such a gift, I can't imagine not doing it.

I didn't know we needed a baby. I had no idea how quickly love could come into my heart. I didn't know it was possible to love Daddy more until I heard him singing about turkeys while changing your diaper on that first day. I had no idea how helpful seeing a baby crying and parents caring for that baby would be to your siblings piece together unconditional love or at the very least, trust in parents who signed up for forever.  I didn't know I could find joy in something as simple as watching you experience music. Even as you leave us, you are still teaching us to be better versions of ourselves, freer in our emotions and feelings, and generous in our compassion.  It's been a privileged to be your Mama and its a privilege to be a part of your Daddy's support network. Only a special girl like you could make such a difference in so many people's lives.

You are destined for great things my little one. Great things.

All my love sweet pea,

Mommy R

Bedtime

Solana, the happiest baby on Earth has decided that the terrible twos will actually start at the age of 1. She is stubborn, independent, and loud. Really loud. 

She's always had this fake scream that sounds alarming unless you knew it was fake which she uses often when she is displeased. However, her latest thing is to throw full on tantrums. Screaming, crying, hitting. She's quite the frustrated drama queen. When she is really mad she will bite you and then scream "De-De-de-de-de!". Clearly telling you to go take a flying leap. Bedtime has become challenging. My sweet little baby who would go down without so much as a peep, threw a full on tantrum on the stairs when I told everyone to say goodnight to her. An hour and a half ago.

During this rough night I had her rocking in my arms, quieted down but still whimpering from being upset. She was clutching my shirt, my bra, for dear life. As I kissed her tears, mine started to fall.

I whispered to her "I'm not your forever mama. I'm just temporary. One day it will be someone else putting you to sleep.You will have to learn to fall asleep in another home so please let's get through this phase because you have been here 75% of your life and if this is how you react to the familiar, I'm afraid the unfamiliar will be too much for your Papi."

And then my head wandered to the dark place where I wished that maybe she would react this way and he would decided this was too hard and call me up to come get her, forever. And then I felt immediately guilty and selfish and I started to cry harder because how could I wish such obvious misery and pain on my beautiful baby girl Solana. 

And Then There Were Five

After the last 48/72 hours (my brain is fried and I have completely lost my ability to do math, which was pretty shakey before...) I feel like I officially earned my Foster Mom stripes. I got the call about 11:30am Thursday that she was coming that afternoon. I was a ball of nerves. My Mom dissolved into tears. Hubby had already made plans for that evening and since we were about to take on a 5th child I told him not to cancel. 

And it was Caseworker #4 who was handling all this, not #3 as I stated in my last post. So Caseworker #4 called and was like "So can you take her today? Foster Mom is not happy and I'm heading over there to remove her now."

He had paperwork to do and they had at least a 45 minute drive so I told him just to call when he was like 30 minutes away and I would leave work. At about 2 pm he said he would be at the house about 4:30pm.

Somehow I managed to finish a large chunk of my work. I had purposely worn a "career" outfit to help me feel like less of a basket case. I knew that I would have to find daycare but left that task to Friday so that I could focus and then planned to work from home the next day.

I left at 4pm and picked up the kids who were all- why are we getting picked up so early? I got them into the car and told them the news and they cheered and jumped up and down making the mini van look like it had hydrolics. We drove home to meet my Mom and then about 15 minutes later Caseworker #4 and Solana arrived.

I handled the paperwork with CW #4 while Grandma and the kids played with the baby who did not fuss once. #4 shared a little more info on the case including Sheila's admission to using marijuana "once" while pregnant. He shared that the Foster Mom had really been attached to Solana and that the relationship with Sheila soured and the incident that made her call to threaten to have her moved wasn't even about the baby. Apparently the Department met Friday morning and made a staffing decision that she was to come here and when he called her back she tried to withdrawal the notice. That of course does not fly with the Department when they have a sibling home lined up. So they told her no, she gave her notice and she hung up the phone on them. They got no info from her about Solana's schedule and she came with only a small bag with some summer outfits and 2 fall outfits. I did get a bag with a can of formula, a bottle, some diapers and wipes, and a blanket. We also can use the car seat until we get our own.

We finished up the paperwork and then I left to do a Target run and grab dinner for the kids. My Mom had gone earlier and gotten some Dreft, wipes, baby shampoo and lotion, and diaper cream plus some clothes. We had been told she was 4 months so she bought 3-6 outfits. However, my little Solana is a porker and the 6 month clothes were too snug so most of that stuff had to go back.

I didn't want to buy too much at Target because my sister in laws were already on top of hooking us up. My one sister works for a major retailer and her friend is the buyer for the baby department. So she mentioned she was getting her 5th foster niece and the woman just started throwing stuff in a box. The box was coming after I went to Target but we ended up getting crib sheets, blankets, bottles, rattles, onesies, toys, pacifiers, a shopping cart cover, booties, and a nice diaper bag. It's probably the closest thing we will ever get to a baby shower! My other sister in law who is a pediatric NICU nurse and has a 1 year old and another due this spring gave me a list of essentials and told me we could have the Rock N Play and Jumparoo and that she would pull some clothes too. She also texted me periodically to check up on us as she works 3rd shift.  We went last night to pick that stuff up and we actually had to go back through the clothes because most won't fit Solana, who weighs almost the same as my nearly 1 1/2 year old niece! In fact, I picked her up and she felt lighter! (It was comical because her pregnancy brain and my sleep deprived one could not keep the keep or put back piles straight!)

By the time I got to Target, I was shaking from the emotions. I was feeling very overwhelmed because- you know, I know NOTHING about babies. It finally hit me that we became a family of 7 and I was feeling sad for my new kiddo who was caught in the pettiness between "adults" which I have no patience for. Oh and I was hungry. 

At Target they had a few Pack and Plays and I picked the standard/middle option. It doesn't play music or vibrate but it did have a bassinet/changing table. I also grabbed some swaddler blankets, pacifier clips, wipes and diapers. And by some miracle also remembered that we needed cereal. I had a 20% off coupon but it did not start until the next day so when I got to the register I asked if they would do the price adjustment if I came back with my receipt after explaining why I couldn't wait to get the crib tomorrow and the manager took pity on my frazzled state and gave the 20% to me early. I picked up food for the kids and by the time I got back my sister in law was arriving with the box of awesome. She helped me put the pack and play together and I got the baby laundry started. 

Friday was kind of a blur. She woke up at 5:30 am and decided she did not want to go back to sleep so we got up and I started working. I managed to get a lot of stuff done and my boss emailed me about how the baby was doing, twice! I am feeling very blessed for the flexibility I have. I sourced a bouncer chair and a nice changing table from the local Facebook Garage sale website and was able to pick that up Friday. My Grandma had stopped by and since Solana fell asleep in her lap I was able to go pick those up and grab the kids while she watched her. We hung out as a family Friday night and then I went to take a little cat nap in anticipation of being up all night. 

Hubby came up to our room with her to make sure he changed her diaper correctly and he was singing this ridiculous song about "Daddy's little turkey" and in that moment I fell in love with him all over again. He worked 7 days this week so when he offered to get up with her, I told him to sleep. She and I actually slept in the living room last night but she slept for 6 hours so that may not be necessary tonight. 

We will get an equipment reimbursement but only from Burlington Coat Factory. I ventured out there yesterday with the girls while Simon was at a birthday party and their selection was lackluster. But we were able to get a Boopy pillow, a changing pad, a bather chair, and a stroller and car seat system. I'm going to see if the other store nearby has a better selection. It's just hard to do that with kids in tow.

I will say this, my kids have been awesome. And my ability to be patient has grown overnight. I'm giving them a little extra space for feelings and I've been very calm and so far we are handling this pretty well. Sarah is especially attentive of her sister and had opted to play with her when she had the choice to do something else. Simon seems the most standoffish but he also is coming down with a cold so it could just be that. Stella has not turned into the little mother and that has been awesome and little miss Smiley has been excited to hold her and was trying to get me to buy out the baby clothes section at the store "Mom! I have to show you this! This is so cute!". If anything, the jealousy has come from the dog who is not impressed by the baby in his room. 

Thank you all for your kind words, support, advice and prayers. Keep it coming, please! Because this is, of course, foster care. I have yet to hear from Sheila who I'm sure is not pleased that Solana is here. CW#4 said he told her she was being moved but he didn't think she heard him say that it was to our house. I then had to explain to him that I'm sure she heard you. That's an act she does when she doesn't want to believe something. She pulled the same thing when they told her she wasn't making progress and then walked out of the meeting. He looked flabbergasted. I do believe he wants Solana here forever. He did tell me that he pushed back some on the legal screening and because her Bio Dad has never had any involvement with the Department, they have to give him a chance. So far both parents are in compliance with their case but its really early yet. 

And then there are the questions from the kids that only foster mothers get asked. 

"Mom? If my Mom couldn't take care of all of us then why did she choose to have  another baby?" Stella wanted to know at lunch. 

I told her that was a good question and one that I'm sure a lot of people have asked and one I don't have an answer for.