Always the Advocate

So Hubby and I discussed. We slept on it and ultimately we landed on the decision that if they can make it 11 days, they should keep going.

After I took them to see the Judge and their GAL today I sent the following email:

After much discussion and consideration, We would like to advocate for the kids to transition to Mom's home on the original move date of April 6th. We feel strongly that if they can handle the 11 days of Spring Break they should be ok. They shouldn’t be teased with effectively moving into her home, and then taken away again. This also isn’t fair for Mom. We imagine this would feel like losing them a 2nd time. If they have the momentum of settling into a routine they should be given the opportunity to keep it going.

We know that there was concern about finishing out the school year. While we agree that this would be ideal, we have received emails from the kids teachers discussing that they have been unfocused and not on task. If this looming move is creating too much anxiety for them to gain anything out of school, then we feel it would be more beneficial to them to get adjusted to their new school, get the supports in place for next year, and perhaps make some friends so that they have kids to play with over the summer. We know from experience that all of the kids do better in school when their home life is stable and having 1 foot in each home will not allow that to happen. This will continue to create behavior issues which just stress the kids (and us) out. From our point of view, school isn’t a good enough reason to continue to cause the kids emotional distress. In addition, they will then be able to know what school will be like when they start in August which is typically a huge trigger for them. This will also allow Mom to adjust with helping with homework and such while she has the extra supports in place.

We understand that this suggestion may seem like a radical change from the past few weeks. Listening in the meetings gave us some perspective. We have always prioritized our role as permanency advocates for the kids and we believe that this really is the best course of action for them. They have been talking about wanting to be done with foster care forever. We would like a successful transition for them as well and so we propose that perhaps a “reverse visitation” take place. Maybe every other weekend the come to us on Friday night and stay through Saturday afternoon. This will give Mom a little break and time to run errands but also ease the kid’s fears that we will disappear from their lives. This will also give us a chance to gradually move their things so it doesn’t seem like they are being forced out. Our hope would also be that we could build some trust with Mom so she can view us as an advocate for her family. We would also suggest, that the family receive extra support – perhaps twice a week therapy or an in-home therapist to help support the daily triggers which would allow Family Therapist to continue to work on the trauma triggers.

We see this as an everyone wins situation. We hope you will too.

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So the Judge was not aware of the 10 night visit being planned. They kids felt better after meeting her and the GAL shared our suggestions. It seems that they are concerned about such a long visit but its sink or swim time.

My job is to advocate for them, no matter how sad it makes me. But this also allows us to move on and takes us out of the behavioral battle that will take place with two homes.

Only time will tell.

Thank You

Thank you to everyone for the support and affirmations. They mean a great deal to me. We found out tonight, via email, that the kids are going to their Mom's for Spring break. They leave this Friday and won't come back for 10 days. They were fairly upset.

We've returned to the original plan but nothing has been said about moving before the end of school. I don't see the point of them coming back and only spending the week with us if they were able to go 10 days with their Mom. Seems like more heartache.

Maybe someone will update us via email.

Drained

So all that lovely relaxation and time at the spa- right down the drain pretty much the moment we got in the car.

Made the mistake of sharing my very real feelings with Hubby. He is in protective/defensive mode. It did not go so well for me. He didn't hear what I said in the way I meant it. We are not in a great place. What I said hurt him. And in turn he is trying to hurt me.

Then the kids came home and were totally out of sorts. And still are out of sorts. And I'm over here exhausted. Just drained. Watching it all go down the drain.

And then there is my Mom who's watching me feel helpless. Trying to be supportive but also trying to find a way to hold into the hope I've let go of. And she's angry at the system and the kids (for flip flopping and not being truthful) and she's like well why don't you just have them follow the original date. Why let them finish the school year?

And I'm like because I made a promise. Because that's not their fault. Because you taught me not to quit. Because I don't know if I could forgive myself. And maybe because there is a teeny bit of hope there.

This process sucks. I hate this. I want to be done but I'm not ready to let go yet.

Time to look for the therapist for me and for Hubby.

Consequences

Finally! Finally, a consequence to thumbing her nose at the rules. Overnight visits got pulled this week an next. And the schedule didn't revert back to what it was before them - Friday night visits were cancelled altogether. And she had to tell them that she was losing time with them because she broke the rules.

This week and next just Wednesday and Saturday visits with pop-in supervision. And then I'm not sure. I was told she's out of chances. We'll see what the judge has to say. The judge was very clear- no visitors, transparency in what's happening at the visits.

Of course this meant a relieved Gabby, a sad LM and a scared JB. All of them seem scared about their visit and the dynamic between the kids has shifted again. None of them are getting along.

And gosh darn it of she didn't tell them about the April move date! So of course now we have to go back and make the kids understand the reasons why that is now out of the question.

Strangely, I'm feeling steady. I thought I would feel upset about this but I really don't feel much. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but also feel validated in my thoughts that she is way overwhelmed. I just pray that the state stops the madness here. 2 years 9 months in foster care is too long.

Rules Don't Apply

So the kids came home today from another 2 night overnight. Their behavior was fine but their report of the goings on at the visit was alarming. Mom violated two major rules- no one else at the visit per the court order and she took the kids to pay the bill on the emergency cell phone- she has no license and is not allowed to drive them. The worst of this was she told the kids not to tell anyone she broke the rules and discouraged them from calling the case worker.

I have to say I'm not surprised but I'm really disappointed in her choices. I don't know if she really doesn't care what the court says or if she's self sabotaging but either way I was just like 'c'mon. These are not hard rules to follow. For your kids' sake you can't keep it together? Do you have any idea what this did to them? The fact they know you totally disregarded the rules is shattering whatever trust you have built.

Worse was their anger and grieve over Mom breaking the rules. They are very scared she crossed a line and they won't be going home. How scary to have been abused by all these people who told you not to tell, participate in therapy 2-3 times a week and have it drilled into your head that safe adults don't make you keep secrets that you don't feel right about and then have everyone tell you your Mom has changed and then she does the same thing!

I just held them. Praised them for telling us (still worried about the lack of emergency phone use but they told us) and reminded them our job is to keep them safe. We encouraged processing with their therapists and then got out of the house for dinner and then watched a funny movie as a family. It was almost as if there was no visit that's how calm and peaceful they were.

I have no idea what this means, if anything. The judge was pretty clear about the no visitors and this is the second time she has broken this rule. The therapists are going to have a fit over her telling them not to tell anyone. But no one has ever held her to the fire before due to ignoring visit rules so I don't think much will happen. Maybe they will scale back to one night again. Really though, what is that going to do except drag this out and keep the kids in care longer.

I'm angry at her. Just as I got comfortable with saying goodbye and moving on without them, she does this and I feel like I just got belted in for another ride on the crazy train. I don't even know what to do with this. Do I hope this is the end, that visits stop?Do I hope they do nothing so that the process doesn't slow again? I don't think I have another 6 months of this in me. When is enough, enough?

Visitation Post Reunification

So we had a meeting with our case worker and her supervisor tonight. We expressed our concerns- stressed that Mom needs to get on the ball with setting up doctors and therapists and issues we are seeing. (Gabby throwing up 2 Mondays in a row, LM dissociating, Jelly bean refusing to eat school lunch, MM back to having behavior issues at school.)

Ultimately, all we an do is put it out there. So then the supervisor asks us- "So if given the option what kind of visitation, if any, would you want to have with the kids?"

Huh?

I guess since DCFS will be involved for a while they have away and will actually plan visits with us when the kids move home.

I was honest with her and told her I don't trust Bio Mom to follow through and wouldn't want us to loose each other twice, but of course we want to see them. She gave me an example of a situation of a foster family who didn't feel the kids would be safe returning home, had the kids for 2 years, no trust between the adults and the kids spent the night every Saturday. She also gave us examples where the foster parents were day care providers for the kids post reunification.

I'm not sure how all that feels. To be honest, even though its my deepest fear, I'm not sure I want to allow myself to hope that this is a possibility. To see the kids every few days or weeks? I guess the therapists are really working with her to see this is best for the kids.

Then the kids came home which of course was chaos. I'm glad she got to see them in full force and effect.

Gaining Strength

I've not written as often lately because I feel like all I'm doing is complaining. I feel like I'm depressing my readers. I'm so appreciative of the comments and support and honestly I'm not trying to break everyone's heart.

I did set out to honestly document our journey and this is definitely part of it. I honestly though the hardest part of this journey was going to be battle behaviors and trauma. I had no idea that it would take 10 times the amount of energy to prepare for it to be over. Or maybe because I know it will be over I'm allowing myself to pull out of survival mode.

I catch myself in little moments- tearing up. And I recover quickly but I feel like I need a good hard cry. On more than one occasion I've done this in my car on my way home. And then other times (like Saturday afternoon when the kids came home and every.single.one.of.them needed me for the most basic things) that I want the time to pass quickly and be alone with my husband and our pain.

Hubby is very practical in his approach. He's sad and been more emotional about this than anything else ever in the 12 years we've known each other. But he can really look at this situation and feel like this isn't what we signed up for and be ok with it changing. He's excited for what the future might hold.

I'm over here scared that the future might hold nothing. No kids. No joy. No happy. And of course I know that's totally irrational and unlikely but that's going on in my head.

I've graduated to pretty much holding it together when people as how the kids are. I'm not reduced to a puddle of tears, more like a light misting. But the responses of some people really boggle my mind. I hope I was never as ignorant about what to say to someone who was watching their hopes die.

I was really irritated the other day at work when someone overheard me say how much my Mom loves being a grandma. She actually jumped in the conversation and said- well then you'll just have to get to making her some grandbabies then.

I hope the shock registered on her face when I said, "Don't you think I would have if I could?" Normally, I keep things like that too myself but I really wanted her to feel bad. It doesn't work like that. You can't replace one set of children with another!

And while I'm not at the point of seeing a specialist, I am slightly disappointed that in fact, it might not be in my cards to have a baby. And while its not crushing to me yet (I've admitted I'm not a person who falls apart at the sight of a newborn, I do love being a Mom.) it still makes me sad. And as all my friends have children it makes it a little harder.

Maybe it's my twisted sense of humor but I had to laugh when Hubby brought the mail in yesterday and there were two packs of marketing mailers for a parenting magazine with babies all over the cover. I was like, ok now even the mailbox has to rub it in my face! (Seriously, shop till you pop was a headline.)

I'm working from home today as the 4th kid decided she also needed to be sick this week (the other 3 took their turns already). I suspect that she needed a mental health day similar to the one I need so I made the executive decision to let her stay home and to stay with her. Sometimes you need a break and that includes the kids.

Night 2 Down, 22 To Go

Yuck. That's all I can say. I'm so over the poor choices an ignorant behavior that I'm at a loss as to how to trudge forward.

The kids came home impossible Saturday. JB in the same clothes she left in on Friday morning but somewhere took a bath (with other clothes on) with her brother. I have no words for how that happens.

I've said all along I'm concerned that the sexual abuse history and tools to parent such have been minimized. If the tub incident isn't enough to highlight that, I'm not sure what is.

It also seems there is a serious lack of supervision going on in that these fights and tantrums are occurring and escalating to kids throwing objects at each other. I can appreciate ignoring the drama but you have to keep the kids safe too.

And because there wasn't much left of me last night and I told JB I was saying goodnight downstairs and not tucking her in - she threw stuff at the dog and escalated her behavior to the point of ripping her pajamas.

I want my kids back. These kids described above, can go home.

Night 1 Down, 24 To Go

The transition plan we created has 25 nights with Bio Mom. We start with 1 night a week and work up to 2 and 3 nights and then we hit 8 nights during spring break. All in its about 25 nights that they will sleep at Mom's house before they officially move in.

Friday was tough. I cried when I left them at school. MM asked for me to write down the police's phone number for him. LM dissociated the night before when talking about her concerns. Then Gabby cried because she still wants no part and Jelly Bean started asking if she could just be adopted.

I kept it pretty much together. Hubby and I went to a fancy steak dinner and mostly talked about non-foster care and non-children things. It was nice to connect. When we got home and there beds were empty that was hard. And the poor dog was so confused. He kept going to their room to find them.

They came home mostly ok. Actually much better than I thought. Jelly Bean did cry in the car on the way to the psychiatrist. She said she didn't want to move.

We tried not to ask too much and let them talk. Instead of no one being at the visit as was discussed with their therapists. They took a trip to the store with their aunt and cousin in which not all children were belted and no booster seat was used and Mom didn't notice. Then the cousin (the same one who told LM that foster parents try to buy love) spent the night and slept in her bed while LM slept on the couch.

Which yes- family is great. It's great she has a support system but the kids need to trust in their Mom and mom has to show SHE can do this and that's hard to do with all of these other people around.

Ultimately, this really isn't our concern. We know Mom has trouble handling all four on her own. It's one of the reasons I'm concerned that this isn't a long term plan for the kids. At some point she's going to have to do this on her own and if she can't, then she's likely to chose an unhealthy person to help her. (The two ex boyfriends that abused her kids and the four that abused her are why I say that.) The fact that on her first overnight she allowed a 17 year old to stay with her makes me raise my eyebrows. The fact that she didn't notice her youngest wasn't buckled and that the driver of the car didn't notice also makes me raise an eyebrow. All in all nothing major.

I'm glad for the kids sake that it was successful. As we continue on though, it will be interesting to see what happens. If there are visitors every weekend I think that will be very telling. And maybe it's an issue of confidence. But as Mom to four kids you need that in order be in charge. She'll need to practice that if she is to be successful.

We've made peace with the fact that the kids will be getting permanency that doesn't include us. And we've started letting those around us that our time with the kids is going to be limited. And I know everyone means well, but it's really hard that their response is usually to tell us they hope that's not the case. It's also hard to be told what a wonderful thing we've done. It's uncomfortable. It's almost like it minimizes what the kids have given to us. I've gotten to the point where I just don't want to talk about it. And I can't handle the emotions that hit me when people ask.

But at least the end is near and that's what we've been longing for.

Can't Sleep

It's nearly 1 am and I just can't fall asleep. I even took some anti-anxiety medication to help me wind down. No luck...These days of crazy at work and then crazy at home leaves me so tired I can't sleep.

If I could charge per question I get asked I'd be a very rich woman! Between work, the kids, and Hubby with the questions, I'm wiped. Seriously, I tried to make dinner tonight and all I heard was Mom, Mom, Mom. I e would come in ask something's and then the next would try to interrupt.

Then the therapists arrived and the kids amped up. All of them shut down about the overnight this weekend. They are so anxious. And LM is really ticked that the emergency cell phone they are going to have will not have our phone number. Gabby flat out stated she won't call any of the numbers, including the police.

They have another family therapy session tomorrow. I guess last weeks was total chaos. Hopefully this week they will actually tell their Mom they are afraid she will become overwhelmed and hit them. And hopefully Mom will give an answer the kids can accept.

DCFS signed off on the transition plan. Thy actually said that while their plan was similar, they liked ours better and were going to use it. The therapists feel this will help is grieve since we got a say in the plan. And I guess that's true since we have some control but it still isn't what we want to be doing.

And really I don't want to grieve. I've been doing that for two years. I had a moment last night that really felt the same as when my Grandma died. The ache in my heart. I'm hoping that this will lessen as we get used to having them somewhere else.