Mother May I?

I took a brief break from blogging. The beginning of this year has been busy with life and I didn't have the energy to word vomit all of my feelings. I'm still stuck in a space where I resent trauma and want to pretend we aren't impacted by foster care. But that of course, is not the truth.

I have a bunch of draft blog posts that I started but I'd start to write and just get frustrated. I focused on offering my advice to local support groups and new foster parents instead.  Writing here is often one-sided and I get a high from knowing I helped someone (don't we all?). But hanging out in those public forums, is exhausting as it's a glimpse into the general public and the stunning realization that all kinds of people become foster parents, including those that shouldn't. Do you ever think- Wow that person just wrote that in a public forum, what do they think in the privacy of their own head?

I shared that Sheila took off out of state around Christmas. Well  she is back. And she brought Big Brother to live with her here. And of course now that she is back she wants a visits with Solana and the kids.

I have all kinds of feelings. It ranges from - Oh Hell no, you took off for 3 months not my problem to It's great that my kids could possibly have a relationship with their older brother, that's fantastic. Then it swings back to, oh holy Hell, now we have to decide about a teenage boy with likely the same if not more trauma if/when The Department steps in.

I'm sorry, but this is not a great situation. The Mom who had 5 kids removed from her is all of a sudden healthy enough to parent a teenager who she has barely spent any time with and just moved cross country?

We agreed to a call. And for the first time she violated a boundary I had set and it really ticked me off. Each of the kids take turns speaking with her and Big Brother. We use video chat because it’s easier to keep the kids engaged. The calls are always on speaker and I am always nearby.  In speaking with Sarah, Sheila she said I can’t wait to see you guys! Maybe we can get together this weekend and if not this weekend, next weekend.

She hadn't asked me and we were very clear when the surrender happened that any and all visits were at our discretion. The kids are the ones making plans and me now saying no - make me look the unfair one. I told her very clearly after the call that what she did wasn't okay. And then she started with my favorite response.

"I know but you have to understand....I want.....Big Brother needs....."

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Fast forward to a week later and now she wants another call.  (Because cell phones don't work out of state? Like why all of a sudden? Radio silence for 3 months.) I say she can have a call with Solana because SD said it was fine and its up to him.  And she responded with, well are the other kids going to be there? I was honest. I told her we need to take things slow with Big Brother.  That I was still upset that she violated the boundary. We set up a time for her to call Solana, the same day, 8 hours later.

And then she blew right past the time she was supposed to call, by an hour. I had rearranged my schedule to be home for the call.  Solana was asleep.  And when I told her I wasn't going to re-schedule, that she would see the kids 3 days later at a school function, she told me I was unfair, mean, using her kids against her, judging, making up the rules as I went along, and uncaring.

I said none of those things.  And I've always been really clear that I will re-schedule a missed call if she tells me before the call that she can't make it. If you are a long time reader, you may remember posts on missed calls. Here. Here. Here. Here. She gave me the same story about how her anxiety is so bad that she loses track of time and even forgets to eat.  I reiterated that she needs to be on-time for calls and if she can't be, then she shouldn't schedule them.  I also reminded her that I don't have to supervise anything.  That I do it as a favor, as visitation is at SD's discretion with no set frequency, minimum amount of time, or required calls.

I did offer to meet with her therapist to discuss this incident. To explain how her inability to consistently show up and on-time affects the kids.  But let's be serious, while she says she's seeing a therapist and taking her medication, if she took off out of state for 3 months, she likely wasn't being treated during that time. (Its highly unlikely she arranged care out of state as she didn't even bring her ID with her.)

So of course she was late a nearly missed the beginning of the school function. But the visit went fine. It was awkward with Big Brother because he is a teenager and doesn't know these kids. But everyone survived. She was cool towards me, but that was okay also because I didn't particularly care.  I am worried she is on a downward spiral and what that means for Big Brother but I can't borrow trouble.

It will be interesting to see what happens this week as we have a birthday and Mother's Day.  We've already seen the write-up for bad behavior from school from Smiley and I'm trying to decide if I wan't to attempt breakfast on Sunday or find an excuse to leave the house by myself.

Anger and Honesty

So this week brought Sarah's therapist to have her last session with her. She had only seen her six or seven times and they hadn't gotten very far. 

She brought up the foster mom who struggled with the transition and mentioned that she's been touching base with her to help her figure out her role. I truly wish her peace but I've pretty well reached the point where I'm tired of hearing about it. 

This woman took every bit of her grief and pain out on me. I'm sorry. I'm a person with feelings too. She made it so much harder on us and the kids then it had to be. And I just am struggling with forgiving for that. Seriously, this was the hardest part of transitioning four kids into my home the week of Christmas: dealing with another foster parent. That shouldn't be the case.

I really hate having to take the high road sometimes. I really hate that I'm the one who often acquiesces in order to do the right thing and be the better person and keep things from exploding. For once I'd like to tell the person I'm trying to kill with kindness to go fly a kite. 

I spent a year in therapy talking about this very topic. I discovered I was really angry about being so easy going that no one bothered to ask me as "they knew I wouldn't mind" or "I didn't care about that kind of thing". Which deep down I really did mind and very much cared. But I was nice, helpful, thoughtful Foster Mom R so no one gave it a second thought to see if I'd want my own bridal shower or asked me if I'd mind postponing my college graduation celebration, even if I was the first to graduate from college in my family. Foster Mom R doesn't need birthday cake!

So when the therapist asked how this could be resolved amicably I decided I no longer was going to be empathetic or understanding. I was going to be honest with myself. I told her this woman hurt my feelings deeply and I was not really interested in trying to be her friend. I'm happy to continue allowing her contact with the kids but until she could recognize that she behaved badly towards me and could guarantee that it wouldn't happen again, I was done trying to accomplish an impossible task. 

I ignored the passive aggressive text I got about the kids calling this week. But I stewed about it. I hate that this person has taken up so much of my time. I'm trying so hard not to give her that power. 

But I am a good foster parent so I know the kids should keep contact with positive influences in their lives and should get to have a network of trusted adults. I have to to support that. It's in their best interest. Because even though she has made me the enemy, she is not mine. She is one of my kids' moms. That's an important role. No matter if I like the mom or not.

I Hugged My Kids' Mom Today

Yep.I.Actually.Did.

It wasn't an easy morning and about 5 minutes after I hugged her I was in tears in my car.  Sometimes the emotions are just overwhelming.

We sat in this meeting and agreed to attempt to co-parent.  Ahh. co-parenting the en vogue trend in foster care and divorced couples. In our state if you file for divorce you have to go to a co-parenting class.  They don't exactly have a class like this in foster care. We have training on how to work as part of a team and the idea of working to help the family is drilled into your head but there is no "How to Co-parent With Your Foster Kid's Mother" class. There is no class for the birth parent where they get told "let the foster family help you that's their job".  In fact, the system is set up to pit both sides against the other.  Foster parents are charged with protecting and advocating, and birth parents are fighting to get their kids back. Then they throw something at you like co-parenting and you are like "What the heck?" I'm supposed to be supportive but that doesn't mean I'm going to be working on the plan too. I have enough on my plate.

And this is where it gets tough.  Having to rise above and live out what you say you are doing:

The best thing for the kids.

And this means different things to different people.  Is it best for them to be in a stable home with a big support system and resources to meet all of their needs? Or is it better to stay with their biological family, immersed in a beautiful culture and never question why their Mother couldn't parent them?

What if they can have both?

And then someone says to you - Can you help the kids not feel so divided and work with their Mom?

What are you going to say?

Its one of those moments in life where you are tested.  Are you really the person you like to think you are? Are you really a hypocrite? Do you really mean your response to people who tell you how lucky the kids are that you are really the lucky one? Can you put your own fears aside? Can you go do something that makes you really uncomfortable? Can you treat others how you wish to be treated?

And there it was. All on the table.  Do you love these kids so much that you can be the adult, the parent, the Mom? Can you do what you have accused her of not doing?

Our answer was yes.  We can help the kids. We can do the best for them.  We will do what is right. 

Its a hard concept to grasp and I'm sure we are all going to stumble.  We have to build a relationship of trust and understanding.  Its not going to be easy.  In fact I'm sure its going to be really hard.  At times it is going to suck. Alot. But if it means that I don't have to live my life wondering where my kids are and if they are OK then I will do it.  If it means I can have peace for the kids and they grow up knowing that while really terrible things happened some really good things happened too, it will be worth the discomfort. 

And while I made the commitment I'm still really scared.  And maybe I should be a little scared.  Maybe it will allow me to take things slower and let them come to me rather than my usual technique of push, push, push. 

I learned today that I am a Mom.  And that she is a Mom.  And that there should be room for both of us.  And I made that commitment to our kids today. And she did too.  That deserved a hug.

Gabby

So my 4th grader, Gabby tends to crack me up. She is definitely dramatic. I often refer to her as a Drama Queen and if I ever become her mother I will be taking her to a talent agent and getting her, her own show on the Disney channel (which will complete my plan to live at Walt Disney World). She is incredibly smart and is an old soul. She is also unbelievably sensitive. (The first dinner here I asked her to use a napkin she burst out in tears.) She reminds me a lot of myself. She is also EXACTLY my brother growing up and she triggers me all the time in this way.

We are fairly certain she has ADD but she is so smart and so interested in school she's been able to overcome it. She bounces from subject to subject but somehow keeps all of her thoughts organized. It's really tiring to watch.

She goes through periods where she can't seem to remember anything important, such as brushing her teeth or homework. Such was the issue on Tuesday when her teacher had her call me to tell me she hadn't turned in her big project that she had a month to work on and I knew nothing about. And I was instantly transformed to my childhood with my parents reaming out my brother for not doing his homework, again.

She's a very anxious kid. She was throwing up every time she saw her Mom before the break in visits. And when she is in a mood her temper can flair. Much like her favorite Disney character, Tinkerbell. It's a shame when she's upset like this because most of the time she is so easy going and free. I predict she will be the kid to try to be a vegetarian/save the Pandas/go to a liberal arts college/and tell me she's becoming a lesbian Wican. (This is not a dig. Just a very different lifestyle from her hetero parents and Catholic Grandmother. I love my gay friends and family.)

She also has a degree in sarcasm and wit. She's pretty much given up on her Mom and last night when I said we all need to be accepting of how everyone might be feeling about not seeing their Mom and that some of them may be glad not to have visits she quipped under her breath in my ear "I fall into THAT category." Which totally makes her my daughter. And her ability to give my husband back the teasing he dishes out makes her my hero.

Love Should be Multiplied Not Divided

So when I can put down some cohesive thoughts I'll go into my theories about why this all happened. Regardless of the why - we now have all FOUR siblings in this sibling set. My foster kid's older sisters came to live with us last night. With 4 hours notice. I saw all the pieces come together - the bunk beds we had purchased the day before. The constant discussion about what if the girls needed to move? The capacity of 6 people for our hotel room for our trip to Disney. (Which was originally for my sister in law and her boyfriend's kids but they broke up.)(AND YES WE ARE STILL GOING)And so when at 3 pm yesterday the kids case worker called and told me their current foster parents gave notice that they wanted them moved by that night we were able to come to a decision.

I'll admit - I'm terrified. We as rookie parents, are now outnumbered 2 to 1. We went from a family of 2 to a family of 6 in a matter of 4 months. And as much as I'm sure that this is the right thing for these kids that I'm committed to - I worry we won't be enough for them to heal. All I know is my Mama Bear instinct kicked in and they were coming to live with us. I know we will pay for this decision in behaviors and tears and hard work. But I also know we will be rewarded in laughter and fun and love.

And of course it scared my little guy in a big way. He cried as he brushed his teeth last night that he missed his sisters (who were downstairs) and I knew that he was scared they would be gone in the morning. Because how is an almost 4 year old supposed to understand why his sisters are here but not his "really, real Mom"? And as I kissed the oldest goodnight I could see the fear in her eyes as well. Fear that she would be moved again. Fear that her siblings would be split again. Fear that we won't love her. And I looked her in the eyes and begged her silently to hear my heart and told her that everything was going to be O.K. That this was the right thing for them. And as tears welled in her eyes she nodded and then I saw her whole body relax.

And that was enough for me. I'm sure very few people save other foster parents understand this decision but at this point I. DONT. CARE. So do us all a favor and don't tell me you think I'm crazy because I now have four kids and did not get even that many hours of sleep last night and you don't want to set me off :)

Meeting My Kids Mother

So the past few weeks we've been preparing for the Permanency Hearing in June. In our state there are quarterly hearings and then 2 Permanency Hearings in 12 months. In June my kids and their sisters will have been in DCFS care for 1 year. We met with their case worker, the Guardian Ad Lietum (the kids attorney), and my licensing worker came out. My husband was teaching a Junior Achievement Class at the same time as the court hearing so I went alone. The other foster parents didn't feel they belonged at the hearing if the kids weren't supposed to be there so they did not go. To each their own I guess.

I was nervous. I was waiting to hear back on a salary counter offer for a new job I was accepting. I didn't know where I was going when I got to the court building (in fact the Sheriffs sent me to the wrong floor and I missed the beginning of the hearing). And I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I didn't know if it was in English or Spanish. So I packed my trusty pocket Spanish-English dictionary along with the clothes he came home in last week from his Mom's. I had washed them and intended to give them to her in hopes she would get the message and send back the jeans and brand new t-shirt he had been wearing last week.

Once I got to the right court room the bailiff informed me the case had already begun and wanted to know in a somewhat mean tone why I was late. Umm because your comrades down the end of the hall apparently are too busy chit chatting to listen to people when they ask a question? But after I told him I was a foster parent who was sent to the wrong floor he let me in.

If a court room could be described as cozy this one was. It was on the smaller side and a very nice looking woman was presiding. I slid in the bench behind the attorney tables as the judge and the State's Attorney were discussing that Mom had completed her parenting classes. They were also going over the status of the children who were having some behavior problems but were stabilized and doing quite well. Then she asked me to state my name and purpose. Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk's Foster Parent. To which she told me I had gone above and beyond facilitating additional contact between the kids. Stated for the record that I should be commended for the way I've approached the situation. Some more information about granting DCFS discretion in allowing additional visitation and starting family therapy and some unsupervised time was discussed and then I realized I was sitting directly behind their Mother who was in between her attorney and the translator.

I thought I would feel angry being that close to her. But mostly I was curious. I couldn't see her face and the only picture I had seen was her mug shot that I found in the newspaper. Despite the fact that the kids come home filthy from their visits I felt better knowing she had completed and passed a parenting class. Now I don't know how long they are but I bit back the urge (well at least until later in the day) to wonder why it had taken her 9 months to complete it. Then the judge dismissed us and we were asked to leave the court room. She went to stand in the vestibule and I had no choice to follow. So I walked out stuck out my hand and introduced myself. And there was this woman smiling. I took out the clothes and she said I have yours at home. And suddenly I relaxed a bit.

We went to sit on the couch in the hall to wait for the caseworker and I made every effort to try and break the ice. She didn't ask me many questions but I tried to tell her what was going on with her kids. I tried to treat her how I would want to be treated if I had somehow ended up on that side of the couch. I showed her a picture of all four at the Waterpark on my phone and she asked if I could send it. And while this may be a moment of kindness I later regret I did send it. And she seemed very happy about it. So much so that Jelly Bean asked me how her Mom got it when she came home from her visit later that night. In my heart I felt sad for her. In just that short hour I learned that this was a woman who really did seem to care about her kids but just didn't have the tools:the knowledge, the money, the support. It didn't make me better than her as I sometimes want to think. I'm sure it was hard to sit across from me. I get to know what is going on in her kid's world. I get to kiss them goodnight. I get the everyday pictures. They call me Mom too. She gets 2 hours a week with a stranger watching.

Now I'm not saying that she shouldn't have only 2 hours with a supervisor as she did beat the snot out of her kids and made very bad decision where her life is concerned but in that time period I reached a different level of understanding. And I guess a new level of comfort. I don't think she is one of the people that just likes to beat on others. She was way overwhelmed. And knowing the kids and seeing her circumstances I could see how someone might get to that place. My fear though is how much is going to change that she won't be right back in that same place. Especially since now these kids have had even more trauma and anger than before.

The caseworker had already asked us if we could help facilitate a long transition home and this is a women I will be seeing again. She is also the one who will ultimately make the decision to allow me to see these children that I love so much once they do return home. So beyond the "Golden Rule" attitude there was some selfish motivation which seemed to take away the emotions I thought I would feel and replace them with this confidence and peace I wasn't expecting. Ok and maybe a small piece of me was hoping she would see how much we love the kids and how good they are doing and just say "if you let me see them you can have them". But of course that is fantasy and selfish but the thought creeps in every once in a while.

We chatted for a little longer and then walked out with the caseworker. She shared some concerns about the kid's sisters and their current placement and there is a possibility that we will respite for them during their spring break. They will be getting some more supports but if that doesn't work they may disrupt. In which case as crazy as it would be we would take them too. Because the other piece to this case is that these kids need to learn how to get along and stop fighting as much as their mother needs to learn how to not hit them. And if they don't do that before they move back I feel their chances of coming back into the system are much higher.

Why I Haven't Told My Grandmothers

The term family has been on my mind a lot this week. My Aunt came in from Hawaii and my Uncle and his partner came in from Florida. they are on separate sides of the family and came in for very different reasons. My Aunt came in for a class reunion and my Uncles came in because my Grandma is very sick. My other Grandma is actually very injured and neither of them know about our plans to become foster/adopt parents.

I have lots of reasons why I've not told either of them. Since their last names start with the same letter I'll refer to them as Grandma and Gram. Perhaps the most complicated reason is my relationship with Gram. We don't really have a relationship. I've felt she favored my other cousins over my Brother and I and she wasn't a super huge part of my childhood. She also made choices on important days that I really felt were hurtful. For a while I tried very hard to form some sort of relationship with her but it was not reciprocated in the way that I needed it to be. I explored some of this with my Aunt during her visit. She's probably the one person in my family that can listen and not take offense to how others feel. She's also incredibly honest with me and I appreciate that. We have worked to form our relationship even though she lives so far away and while we might not have too much in common we both desperately want to understand our family and get to a place without tension and hurt.

A big part of Gram's personality is her tendency to brag. And generally you don't brag to the people you are bragging about so I never hear her say anything about me and ALWAYS about others. This makes me feel pretty crappy. I have a second cousin who lives near Gram who adopted a child internationally and got involved in charity work surrounding orphanages and such in the country her child is from. Through the grapevine I have heard that she is planning on adopting another child from the same country in the next few months. Now I need to state that I think what my cousin is doing is wonderful and probably sparked further interest for my husband and I to consider adoption as a way to form our family. However, I just don't feel for my family that international adoption is the way for us. Kids all over the world deserve to be taken care of and belong to loving families and I'm thankful people like my cousin can help in this effort.

To be frank - I really don't want to hear it from Gram. And that's why I don't want to tell her that we are planning on fostering to adopt. I don't want to hear how my cousin has to go back to a war torn country and live at the orphanage and how she got all the kids shoes and how what she's doing is so selfless and courageous and amazing. And that she's the perfect mother and you should call her to get advice. Now that might sound a tad bit jealous and if I'm being honest it might be a little bit as she has such a great relationship with Gram and I feel pretty rejected. Do you think my Gram knows I've helped to raise $57K for the World Vision foundation that feeds children who need it? That I've mentored teens in their faith. That I help people with cancer cope on a daily basis? No because I'm not outward with it but that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't need recognition just like everyone else especially from my family.

Now I haven't told my Grandma because she was just diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer. And she's not dealing well and she's very sick. She's pretty much not eating and is disappearing in front of our eyes. I told my Grandpa and there was too much on his mind to process. So I'm not sure if this news would be something for Grandma to hold onto to work towards or if she would start to worry. This happened right around the time we started our PRIDE classes and I think this is also part of the reason my parents haven't said much. They are simply overwhelmed and hypothetical grandchildren are just not in their grasp at the moment. But that's life isn't it? The moment you think everything is starting to come together other things begin to fall apart. And it drives me nuts Grandma not knowing because I have all kinds of questions and conversations for her. In my heart I so very badly want all of my future children to meet her and know her like I do because she is someone very special. And she might not make it. She might not make it to Christmas. And she might and this whole living in the unknown part is really starting to aggravate me.