I took a little break

From blogging this past week. Truth be told I have some serious emotions going on and blogging while upset only leads to complaining. I don't want to complain.

I realized that being in limbo has started to really scare me. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of going up in down with the roller coaster. Its hard to put on the brave "everything is going to be ok" face every day for my kids. Some days it's even harder to do it for myself.

I went to family therapy with Mom this past week. Her and I and the family therapist translating. The case worker was there to observe. I'm not sure what I expected but I did not expect to come out upset. I'm not sure WHY I didn't expect to get upset. My kids come home upset - but they are confronting their abuser, their fears. Maybe it was because their abuser was confronting me.

Mom asked if I had ever spoken badly about her. She told me she felt I was over protective of Gabby after the incident that stopped visits. She told me she wanted to spend as much time as possible with her kids and could we please get these outings with all 7 of us going.

I got a chance to respond. I got a chance to tell her I'm not like the other foster parents. I got to tell her my job WAS to protect her kids. (Maybe she should pay attention to what that looks like.) I told her that pushing her kids isn't the answer and that this isn't their fault. That we are the adults and sometimes they are going to hurt our feelings. I registered the pain in her face when I explained that sometimes her kids yell at me too but it doesn't mean that they don't love me.

Then she laid on me that she moved 45 minutes away and that Saturday visits were going to be smack in the middle of the day because she needs to get home and "prepare for them".

An then the real honesty began. Prepare for them? "You need to do that the day before. It unfair to take away my entire weekend because you can't prepare for them ahead of time and you need another 1 1/2 hours. Which means i have 4 anxious kids until 10 am who return at 3 who might be able to handle life by 5. Every time you move or change jobs we've accommodated your schedule. It's not fair."

"But I need to get home and shower."

I about lost it. "Shower? I'd love to come home and take a shower. Heck I'd like to come home and pee without being interrupted but that's not how it works when you have 4 kids. You have to come home from work and be Mom. I don't get a chance to prepare. You don't either."

I asked her to explain it to me. She works a factory job. It's for health reasons. Ok so why do you need 90 minutes? Don't you see instead of the 1 1/2 days of a weekend your kids are getting now they get 1 day. 1 day off from foster care. And do you care at all that it also means Hubby and I get only 1 day off then?

Ultimately, she didn't. She ended up saying that she was the Mom and she gets her time with her kids and she didn't care if it upset me.

I understand why the kids get so frustrated. I pointed out that she just got done asking me to spend extra time with her so she could see her kids more but she couldn't knock off an hour of shower time? Where is the working together. Where is the flexibility? And I walked away feeling two could play at that game - which isn't how I want to feel or approach the situation. And in the end it won't be because it would only hurt the kids.

In the end the visit supervisor took care of the schedule issue as she told Mom her visits will start at 9 and she'll have to make it work. Even though I had no input and this person didn't know about the issue I'm sure it will be blamed on me.

Working through relationships is hard and I've just has so much hard lately. I'd love something easy. Like a trip to the bathroom without interruption...

I Hugged My Kids' Mom Today

Yep.I.Actually.Did.

It wasn't an easy morning and about 5 minutes after I hugged her I was in tears in my car.  Sometimes the emotions are just overwhelming.

We sat in this meeting and agreed to attempt to co-parent.  Ahh. co-parenting the en vogue trend in foster care and divorced couples. In our state if you file for divorce you have to go to a co-parenting class.  They don't exactly have a class like this in foster care. We have training on how to work as part of a team and the idea of working to help the family is drilled into your head but there is no "How to Co-parent With Your Foster Kid's Mother" class. There is no class for the birth parent where they get told "let the foster family help you that's their job".  In fact, the system is set up to pit both sides against the other.  Foster parents are charged with protecting and advocating, and birth parents are fighting to get their kids back. Then they throw something at you like co-parenting and you are like "What the heck?" I'm supposed to be supportive but that doesn't mean I'm going to be working on the plan too. I have enough on my plate.

And this is where it gets tough.  Having to rise above and live out what you say you are doing:

The best thing for the kids.

And this means different things to different people.  Is it best for them to be in a stable home with a big support system and resources to meet all of their needs? Or is it better to stay with their biological family, immersed in a beautiful culture and never question why their Mother couldn't parent them?

What if they can have both?

And then someone says to you - Can you help the kids not feel so divided and work with their Mom?

What are you going to say?

Its one of those moments in life where you are tested.  Are you really the person you like to think you are? Are you really a hypocrite? Do you really mean your response to people who tell you how lucky the kids are that you are really the lucky one? Can you put your own fears aside? Can you go do something that makes you really uncomfortable? Can you treat others how you wish to be treated?

And there it was. All on the table.  Do you love these kids so much that you can be the adult, the parent, the Mom? Can you do what you have accused her of not doing?

Our answer was yes.  We can help the kids. We can do the best for them.  We will do what is right. 

Its a hard concept to grasp and I'm sure we are all going to stumble.  We have to build a relationship of trust and understanding.  Its not going to be easy.  In fact I'm sure its going to be really hard.  At times it is going to suck. Alot. But if it means that I don't have to live my life wondering where my kids are and if they are OK then I will do it.  If it means I can have peace for the kids and they grow up knowing that while really terrible things happened some really good things happened too, it will be worth the discomfort. 

And while I made the commitment I'm still really scared.  And maybe I should be a little scared.  Maybe it will allow me to take things slower and let them come to me rather than my usual technique of push, push, push. 

I learned today that I am a Mom.  And that she is a Mom.  And that there should be room for both of us.  And I made that commitment to our kids today. And she did too.  That deserved a hug.

Wednesday is my new favorite day.

- There was so much bickering this morning we instated a no speaking rule. Literally if you can't say something nice you can't say anything. At. All.
- At 11:00 am I got a phone call from Day care. Mr. Mohawk needs to be picked up. He got kicked out of daycare for the day.
- He ignored me on the phone then passed the phone to another 4 year old.
- He took his hand and tried to get poop on it to wipe on other kids. And I was worried about pink eye.
- He slapped a teacher in the face.
- After discussing the incident and telling him he is to keep his hands to himself he said "Mama I'm going to tell you the truth. You have an H on your car."
- I could only mutter. Yes. That is true.
- At 4 pm I came back from a meeting to find several missed calls and voicemails. Little Mama got on the bus instead of waiting to be picked up for family therapy.
- I know to others this will look like week 3 of foster parents failing to deliver all children to family therapy even though we don't take them there.
- I also knew she did this on purpose because she didn't feel her Mom cared what she had to say last week.
- When I asked her about it she told me the truth - she did it on purpose.
- I was so proud that she didn't lie that I did not hand out any consequences.
- We did have a very long discussion about the choice she made and the ramifications it may have.
- Inside I cheered her on for at least making an outward gesture that she is not ok with how Mom is handling herself. I also didn't blame her for wanting to be in control and skip a session. Good for you LM. Good for you.
- Jelly Bean did not have a tantrum. This is because Hubby told her he felt one coming on so just go ahead and get it over with.
- She tried really hard to get in trouble during homework time and dinner. She did not win.
- Less than a month and then we get a 10 day break from foster care land and got to Disney World where it will be encouraged to live a fantasy life of no worries and all fun.
- I need to find a great gift for my Mom who not only picked up the holy terror from daycare but has been coming to my house to spring clean before the CASA worker comes Saturday. Any ideas please leave them in the comments. (Last year hubby got us a matching ring. He went to Jared. No, seriously. It's where he always goes.)

Case Worker Visit

We have a monthly visit with the case worker. Somehow this monthly commitment escaped our attention in Foster parent training. Luckily she is able to come in the early evening. She picks the kids up and then they let themselves in the house. I genuinely like our case worker. She's sweet. But she has no kids. And she is not married. And while I don't think these should be requirements for case workers I think it helps your understanding. As I quickly found out last year, having kids in your life changes everything. And MAYBE just MAYBE she would understand WHY her lack of communication is an issue. Perhaps she would understand WHY I point out Bio Mom's biggest parenting issues. If she is to be successful and therefore the kids are to be safe and continue healing she can't keep making the same mistakes.

Case in point: family therapy this week. Bio Mom's answer to Gabby's demand of how she can know Mom won't hit her ever again.

"Because I don't want to lose you. If I lose the four of you I will have no real family."

Which on the surface might seem like a good answer. That's how Gabby took it. My Mom wants me. My Mom wants our family.

What Mom failed to do with her answer was provide actual reasons Gabby should believe her. She failed to take responsibility. She only recognized that she will have the consequence of being alone. She made it all about her.

And apparently no one shared this response with the case worker as she looked shocked when I relayed the information.

I keep being told Mom will have to take responsibility for her actions before the kids can go home. Don't statements like the above continue to prove that she is unable to do just that? Grrrr

Then we had a conversation about visits. They were up to 5 hours on Saturday mornings. Now the kids have to be split in two. The suggestion was made tonight to have visits for 2 on Friday afternoon and Saturday mornings. Mom works third shift. The case worker actually pointed out that she's going to be tired on Saturday mornings as she will just be getting home from work and that it might be better to have the older two on Saturday because they would be easier to handle.

I'm sorry did I just hear that? We are concerned at 20 months because Mom might be too tired to see 2 of her children? After work? What the huh? What about 4 on a school night with homework? And Jelly Bean decides she didn't get enough attention and Little Mama decided to provoke her and Gabby decides to interrupt and Mr. Mohawk decides to wipe his chocolate cake hands all I've the wall. Because that's a typical Tuesday in this house. Actually, Tuesday we also have 2 therapists who come. If we are worried that at 2 years she can't handle Saturday mornings with 1/2 her children what are we doing here?

Banging.my.head.on.the.wall...

I guess it's unreasonable to expect that this should already have been a parenting skill that was learned. Of course she's going to be tired. She has four kids!

We didn't discuss my emails to her supervisor and I didn't get a copy of the case plan I've asked repeatedly for and mentioned in said emails. Nor did she ask us how we were doing or acknowledge her failure to notify us.

We did elude to the fact that since Mom lives 6 miles from us if we saw her or the Bio Dad that is not on the birth certificate in our neighborhood we would be calling the police.

Oh and Gabby's Bio Dad sent letters from jail. When it rains it pours!