Angry Eyes

I actually own a Mr. Potato Head shirt that says, "Don't make me put on my angry eyes." I also own the ladies version of Mrs. Potato Head that says, "I packed your angry eyes just in case."

Which is why it was funny that someone at work today tried to guess the anger level I was at this afternoon. They then told me that despite my smile my eyes give me away.

My grandma used to tell me my eyes were like looking into my heart.

I was a 9/10. Work sucks right now. Foster Care sucks (didn't hear from the caseworker about my email or Hubby's). And we have some family drama going on.

I don't usually talk about the family issues on here but it ties into foster care because it is our perception that this family member can't accept the kids. Somehow their presence detracts from her daughter. And she's angry that we didn't pitch in for a present for her daughter that she was going to also benefit from but not pay her own way. The kids have picked up on her treatment of them and to be a good Mom I have to limit that exposure.

So she's not coming to Christmas. It's sad. And beyond selfish. But after the way she has acted and the things she's said, I'm not sure I can forgive her. (I suspect some of the behavior is driven by jealousy that we are married with a big family and we can give of our love freely. This family member is in need of some attachment therapy of her own.) I'm sure it will blow over but it's going to create unnecessary tension and I hate that. I'm saving the drama for the other mama.

You Have a Nice Family

Sometimes the hardest part of losing my Grandma is that she didn't get to meet my kids or see me be a Mom. Its hard to explain what an amazing woman she was. She was never alone because she made friends everywhere.  She had a Facebook page. She was notorious for not knowing how to work ANY of her cameras...like ever. She had a laugh you could hear across the house and she had a quirk about sharing utensils. And man she could make the smallest get togethers totally special. She worked hard to make sure her family knew she loved them for being them. Even when we failed, sometimes miserably, she always gave us the encouragement or the kick in the ass that we needed.

I know I'm doing a good job of telling my kids about her because in moments when I admit to them that I wish they could have met her they say to me, "Mom I feel like I love her even though I never met her." And that warms my heart and makes the loss slightly easier.

For whatever reason, today was a day I missed her incredibly. Its been almost 6 months since I've had a dream with her in it and I'm afraid that means I won't have one again. I'm afraid that I've lost the spiritual connection to her. I know I will see her in Heaven but I'm impatient. (One of the lessons I know that God wanted to teach me was patience when He showed me the path of Foster Care.)

I think maybe I was missing her so much because we were near her house today and decided to eat at our favorite pizza place. And when I say our, I mean our entire family. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins this was the place we always went to (and still do). The majority of birthdays, to celebrate an achievement, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Friday.....Any opportunity we could we'd meet up in this tiny little dive pizza place that only sells pizza, has no delivery, accepts only cash or check, and has seating for maybe 40 people, maybe. The place has been there for more than 50 years and hasn't changed much over the years. As I sat down at one of the tables with my family I was hit with tears. Continuing the legacy as it were.

Within minutes our pizza was set on our table and we proceeded to inhale the deliciousness. We ate pretty much in silence because the pizza is that good. We joked a bit as we slowed down on the chewing and enjoyed the time together. A rare non-eventful day where there were no tantrums, no tears, and everyone was getting along. As we were getting up to leave the elderly folks at the table next to us were leaving too. One of the woman who had a smile like my Grandmother touched my arm and said to me,

"You have a very nice family. I was watching you and you just have such a  lovely family."

I smiled and said, "Thank you. Thank you for noticing."

Its is very much the kind of thing my Grandma would say to a family sharing our space who seemed nice and had well behaved children. And crazy as it might seem I really think my Grandma was working through that woman.

And if it wasn't, it was a good reminder that at the end of the day we really are a nice family. It was also really nice to have someone who doesn't know our back story see us as "normal". To not be the instant family, or the foster family, or even have someone question if we are related. To not have someone tell us we are nice because we became foster parents but rather because we are nice to each other and had a nice time and it showed.

You have a Unique Life Situation

Questions are a part of Foster Care. I encourage questions as I think more awareness is needed about child abuse and how the system works - and how little sense it makes sometimes. New foster parents always wonder how to handle the questions and responses we get over and over. For example:
How do you do it?
Aren't you going to miss them when they go home?
Do they miss their Mom? Even though they have you?

We also get comments:
You're a saint.
I could never do that. I'd get too attached.
The kids are so lucky to have you.

I think you have to find what works best for you in order to deal with these types of responses to people finding out you are a foster parent. For myself, I have some standard answers:

We make it work. It's not without stress but it is totally worth the reward.
Of course I'll miss them. But we hope to be in their lives. And these kids gave me a chance to be a Mom and I might not get that again.
Yep they miss her very much. She's their MOM. She's all they know.

Usually to the saint or angel comment I fake humility. Other days I ignore it. And then the rest of the time I say- You give me too much credit.And to the I would get too attached I say - The kids need someone to attach to! They need to heal. I also have a very standard answer to the kids being lucky. WE ARE the lucky ones.

So now that I have standard answers to standard questions and comments I was a little thrown off this weekend by a co-worker and my new doctor.  My co-worker and I were not familiar with one another and she asked the basic getting to know you question of someone who is married: Do you have any kids?

ME: Yep. I have four foster children.  (Now in fairness it was loud in the bar we were in.)
HER: Are you serious? I'm talking about actual kids. Four? These aren't your dogs or anything are they?
ME: No I am serious. They are real live children and there are four of them.

My new doctor had seen my husband for the first time a few weeks ago and as I was describing my family he remembered him.  He didn't try to hide his opinion that this was a lot to take on for anyone and he was very candid about the fact that he was concerned this amount of stress could make my illness more pronounced.  Actually his words were "Stress isn't good for Sarcoid."

So when I told him I was concerned about my anxiety level and feeling a little blue he agreed that I probably needed some pharmaceutical help. And then nodded even more earnestly when I told him I worked full time.  "You have a full day."  During the deepest part of my illness and depression I was on an anti-depressant and it worked rather well.  He also gave me the names of two psychiatrists he likes and encouraged me to go back to therapy.  His parting comment about all this was that "You have a unique life situation that automatically sets you up for stress and depression.  We need to help you not take on too much."

Its a little too late for that.  I have to work full time to get all of our bills paid.  I have no ability to suddenly cure my incurable illness and while I might have the option to not have four foster children in my eyes that's not really an option either.  I''ll take the happy pills and learn more emotional coping skills and be on my way - thank you very much.

Week 4

So this weekend will be 4 weeks since the kids have seen their Mom. We've settled into a groove of sorts - running errands, knocking out doctor and therapy appointments, getting stuff done around the house and hanging out as a family.  Its been strangely normal.  The kids have kind of stopped talking about her, being in foster care, and talking about going home.  Its sad because they seem so defeated by this like somehow they failed.  Nothing has changed with their goal of reunification.  Its as if this entire thing is on pause.  But they see the writing on the wall.  THEY know that by now she should have her act together and she's cemented their suspicion that she hasn't changed.  Even Little Mama has seemed to have given up hope that her Mom can do enough to get them back.  Which of course means that they are questioning our commitment to them.  The question before bed last night: "Mom do you like us?".

We've had some regressive behavior.  Mr. Mohawk had a ton of trouble keeping his hands to himself and has been lying up a storm.  Little Mama is forgetting homework and claiming ignorance of knowledge.  Gabby and Jelly Bean have been clingy and needy.  I took a page out of Last Mom's book and put both of them in shopping carts this past week.  Partly to help their brains process through where they were emotionally stuck, and partly because it wasn't worth the stress to me. Let me tell you when you have ADHD and anxious children you are less likely to scream and tear your hair out and head for the vodka its a lot more peaceful to grocery shop if you can put them in something. That is of course if you can keep them from fighting. And ignore the stares of other people wondering what kind of mother you are letting your 8 and 10 year old children play around in a shopping cart. And I know that's what they are thinking because if I weren't living in traumaland I too would be wondering: What the heck is WRONG with that woman? There are times when I want to stare back and then say: You have no idea what these kids have survived or what we are dealing with as a family.  Let me tell you that by letting them ride in a cart at the store I am helping to heal their trauma and hopefully give them a decent shot at a stable future. And you know - I get how easy it is to judge but really we need to lay off one another. 

And as much as I love having the weekends with the kids, I need a break so my Mom is watching them Saturday while I go to the doctor and Hubby gets caught up at work.  She's really looking forward to having them and that makes my heart happy.

The General Public

I had two seperate instances this week of other people making judgements about me that really bothered me.  Now I'll admit it.  I can be judgy.  I try not to be. I try REALLY hard to be empathetic and open but I'm human and therefore I make judgements all day long.  I'm guilty of doing the same thing done to me this week. I'll acknowledge and OWN that but it didn't make these two instances any easier for me to swallow.

The first was Monday at a big box store.  I was checking out with my 4 Valentine's Day cards and some odds and ends and the lady behind the counter was being nosey friendly.

Oh how cute are these cards.  Are these for your kids?

Yep. 

Oh so many! How many children do you have?

Four.

Four!?! Wow.  You don't look old enough to have four children.

(Smiling at her.)

How old are they?

11, 9, 8, and 4.

Oh.

Oh? Oh? As if that it explained it.  Her suspicion that I was a young mother confirmed. And I instantly felt bad about myself.  My own insecurities creeping in.  Once I agian I figured somehow I was less than because I'm not a "traditional" mom.  I realize this is a ridiculous notion.  But I can't keep the thoughts from bubbling up.  And I was ANGRY. Angry that this woman thought she knew me.  Angry that she made a judgement about me.

Listen here lady.  You are absolutely right.  I AM too young to be a mother of 4 children who are as old as they are but their own mother couldn't hack it and they need me.  No matter how young I might look.  And Geez.  I'm 30. Its not like I'm 15.  And don't you see this beautiful ring on my hand? Yeah thats right he went to Jared.  Seriously.  Its not like I'm some single chick who just slept with whoever.  And then I feel guilty because my kid's mother IS a young mother who is single and had 4 kids with different men. And the hole exchange just left a bad taste in my mouth.

So today we went to get LM and JB's vision checked.  We were told in JB's IEP meeting this week that she failed the vision screening 3 seperate times.  In fact, she failed so bad they thought she was doing it on purpose so they sent her favorite teacher with her.  Still failed.  LM I guess wore glasses at some point when she lived with her Mom.  About 6 months after she lived here (so more than a year after she went into foster care) she comes home with glasses her Mom "finally found".  Umm? If she needed glasses why wasn't she wearing them to school they day that she was brought into foster care? Umm why then did it take more than 12 months to locate them.  Then she brought them back to Mom's house and they were lost agian.  This should have been my first clue but in a rookie mistake I believed the other foster parents followed through on the screening suggestions. 

So after SEVEN calls/transfers we get the number to a place that takes the medical card.  Its at a different big box store near our home.  Ok I bet they have Saturday hours.  I call and make the appointment.  Yes we take the Medical Card but we do not handle the glasses the state covers.  Huh? So I call the state. Sure happy to give you the number for some providers.  Can't tell you which ones handle the glasses though. (BANG MY HEAD ON THE DESK.) So before I get all worked up I decide to get the vision test over with and go from there.

So we go into the exam. JB is up first. The doctor says.  Oh this one is probably not going to need anything. The prescreening puts her at 20/20.  Say what? She failed it THREE times.  Yeah. Sometimes kids do that.  Sure enough.  Her vision is fine.  Then LM gets in the chair.  Oh this one for sure.  You know what she has a lazy eye.  It says here she wore glasses why did she stop? She should have been wearing glasses for the last 6 years.  Will it get corrected with the lenses? Yes but it won't be ask good as it would have it she had been wearing her glasses all this time.  Its a shame you didn't make her wear them.

Now if you know me in real life you would know my temper can come quick and furious.  I have been described as intimidating.  I'm told I need to calm down on almost a daily basis by my husband.  It took everything in my power to keep my mouth shut and not tell this doctor exactly what I thought of his accusation.  To explain to him that I have been the best mother this child has ever had and had I known that she had been diagnosed with a lazy eye and couldn't see her books I would have had her in here the 2nd week she lived with me.  That her "real" mother did squat to protect and provide for her kids and this is just one more place that she failed that I get to fix. So he shuffles us out of the room takes the next patient and we are left waiting.  The prescription and note for school were not given to me as requested and the response that I got from the staff member was.  I'm really sorry he's got a lot of patients and is in the room already.  I can mail you the paperwork. 

Oh no you don't.  Just because I have the state medical card does not mean you are going to bulley me into going away because you think I don't know better.  And because I am not going to be buying your frames does not give you the right to dismiss me.  I see it.  I'm totally guilty of the judging here.  I judged her to be less than and myself to be more than.  I work really hard not to have my kids be seen as less than. And my assumption that this was what she was doing really ticked me off.  Lets just say I made a slight stink.  And parked myself right outside of the exam room so the doctor would have to trip over me on the way out.

How far we have come

So I couldn't sleep tonight. I hade a Diet Coke at 11:00pm and well that was a silly thing to do after a 4pm nap. I'm sure I'll pay for it later. In my continued quest to build up my readership, traffic, and ego I was checking out my stats and noticed that this post is the most often viewed.

Reading it now nearly 8 months later I can't believe how far we've come. We barely survived that trip to Disney world but we are wiser now and are actually trying to plan another trip in June. Of course now our plans are dependant on where their caseplan heads. We have hit our groove of a family of six and I've almost gotten used to what that equates to in the amount of groceries and laundry. Almost. I no longer have a panic attack when going to Costco.

And while the first few months were rocky the kids have gotten over the shock of living together once agian and actually giggle together at times instead of constant fighting and yelling.

I don't regret my decision to say yes that day. Or my decision to say no the first time they asked us. And the kids like to hear how they each came to stay with us. Which is pretty cool. Clearly, I'm still not getting that much sleep but Hey - I'm a mother to 4. We still hear almost daily how crazy we are or how people don't know how we do it but I've learned to ignore that or smile politely. Most days I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Questions? Comments :(

Weekly I go to acupuncture and its kind of my time to decompress and explore my thoughts. Yesterday as I was laying there with a ton of diet coke coursing through my body it was a little harder than normal to relax. I could actually feel the needles vibrating back and forth which told me I was somewhat aggravated and I was having a hard time figuring it out. After a few minutes my kids came to mind and I realized one of the things bothering me was the comments I had received regarding the kids.

Now I welcome questions about foster care and adoption because I think its widely misunderstood. Heck that’s why I started a blog. So I usually tell people that they probably don’t have a question that I haven’t asked myself or heard someone else ask. But the comments are what bother me.

For instance – Oh those poor kids. You’re an Angel/Saint for taking them in like that. They are so lucky to have you.
I may even have been guilty of making a comment like this at one point. BUT now it makes my skin crawl. I want people to have empathy for children who are abused/mistreated but not pity. And I’m not an Angel or a Saint. I might have deep faith I would hardly consider myself religious. Am I a good person? Sure? Should I be canonized because I want to be a mother? Should I get a set of wings because I can’t have children or afford a private adoption?

It’s tiring isn’t it? Welcome to Motherhood. (with the sarcasm that says – you got yourself into it) – If I had birthed a child would people really say that to someone holding a 5 week infant? Or would they have sympathy because they had been there done that? I think more likely it would be “I know its tiring but totally worth it. Let me know how I can help”

Well at least you can give yours back. – Now I know when the person said this she wasn’t trying to be cruel. And it was in response to overhearing how we were dealing with some tantrums. That being said – how dare you say something like that? Do you have any idea how incredibly hard it will be to “give them back”. How tough it is to try and prepare/explain/sooth a child who’s very fear is that she won’t go back even though your ever wish/desire/dream is that you could keep her safe with you forever? That sending her back means that she’s is at a much higher risk for repeat abuse or getting stuck in a cycle of foster care and knowing that when she does her progress in reading and writing and spelling will more then likely get stuck again because she’ll be going to a home where that extra help will not be available. Because her Mother doesn’t speak English? Somehow I’m supposed to find solace in this?

There is no way you can have four and work full time. It’s too much. It’s not possible. You could never handle it. – Excuse me? I don’t remember asking for your opinion. How do you know what I can and cannot do? Do you have ANY kids? No? Are you married? No? Hmm. In fact all of the families I know who have 3 or 4 kids have a Mom who works full time and they seem to manager just fine. And if I decide to have 4 kids that’s mine and my husband’s decision and I really don’t care what you think and don’t plan on asking you. So next time please keep your mouth shut. Thanks.



Getting back to the questions – does anyone reading have any for me? I’m happy to answer.