The Fab Four - An Update

In the fall of 2019, I had reached out to Gabby (a senior in high school) as our dog wasn't doing great.  The dog was always special to the Fab Four and I wanted to make sure if we had to say goodbye, that Gabby at least got a chance to do so.

It had been a while since I had really spoken to her beyond text messages.  The last time we had seen her was for Father's day weekend in 2018 and Maria and Jelly Bean had given her such a hard time for spending time with us, we backed off in order to prevent any unnecessary drama. 

Somewhere along the way (post reunification) Maria went from grateful for our support to resentful of our relationship with her children. That led to only Gabby really making an effort to stay connected.  Little Mama had moved out of Maria's house shortly before her high school graduation (not inviting her mother to the ceremony) and decided it was easier to hate us. Jelly Bean was being so incredibly disrespectful, that I had to block her on my social media accounts. Mr. Mohawk was not really in the picture since he barely remembers living with us....

So when I suggested Gabby come spend a night or two to hang out even if the dog was going to be ok, she replied I'd love that but I have to go ask Anna. 

I'm sorry who? 

Turns out Gabby, Jelly Bean, and Mr. Mohawk were living with their Uncle and his girlfriend, Anna and her two children.  Maria had gotten arrested for possession and intent to sell marijuana and cocaine nearly 11 months earlier and had been in jail the entire time. Too embarrassed and not wanting us to worry, Gabby didn't tell us.

The week after we found out Maria was in jail, the Uncle hit Anna's son in a drunken domestic disturbance and a DCFS investigation was opened.  When we picked Gabby up for the weekend she cried almost the entire 45 minute drive to our house.  I cried with her.

How could the police not call DCFS when Maria was arrested? How could they end up with the people who weren't cleared to be placements the first time they were in care? And there wasn't a whole lot we could do to help, aside from just show up for Gabby.

During all of this, Jelly Bean  was in a mental health crisis and ran away for an evening.  As a result, Maria (from jail) decided Jelly Bean should go live with Little Mama and Mr. Mohawk would go live with a different relative, and Gabby would stay with Anna.

It was heartbreaking to watch Gabby loose her siblings all over again.  We wrapped around her as much as we could.  We hosted her for weekends and the holidays and started to help her finalize plans for college taking her on college visits and helping her with her financial aid.

As the pandemic hit we urged her to come live with us. She could finish school remotely and get a break before she had to leave for college.  She decides she wanted to stay out so she could work as much as possible to save for school.  

Then in July she got Covid. At the same time the Uncle decided that Gabby and Little Mama needed to move out. Gabby decided that since all of her college classes were going to be on-line it made the most sense to come stay with us indefinitely.

So the last week of July 2020, she moved in. 

The last 5 months have been a joy. An absolute joy. She's slid I to the family as of she's always been here. She's managing school and work and is incredibly helpful with the other kids and things like dinner. 

We've had some really amazing conversations about her time in foster care. And we've been able to spend some time with the rest of the Fab Four as well. 

Maria was paroled and then immediately detained by ICE due to her conviction violating the terms of her green card. So we've been trying to support Gabby relative to this change as well. Maria's is likely to get deported and so Mr. Mohawk and Jelly Bean have been in a few different kinship placements. 

Most recently Little Mama (20) took guardianship of Mr. Mohawk (14) and they are living with her boyfriend.  She is struggling with this responsibility (in addition to work and school) and while we've offered to be a resource, we told them we could only agree to him living here if the Department officially got involved.

Jelly Bean (17) is living with her boyfriend and his parents who have given her a curfew. She seems to be doing well there and is working a part time job in addition to school.

The Fab Four is really angry at Maria as her choices have meant instability for them for the foreseeable future. Seperately, Gabby and Little Mama have each asked me if them going home was still the right decision. My heart hurts for them and how complicated their lives continue to be. 

A Letter to Gabby, On Your Birthday

Dear Gabby,

This week marks your 16th birthday.  The enthusiasm and zeal for life that you have is just as strong as it was when I met you six years ago. The 9 year old that came into my life demanding to know if I knew the song "I Will Survive" is still there and it warms my heart.

I appreciate that you make the effort to continue to include me in your life.  You've always been special that way.  I'm enjoying watching you become an independent young woman and I can't wait to see what you accomplish as you become an adult.  A few weeks ago you included me in your choir concert where you sang the first part of "Tears in Heaven" as a solo. I cried in the audience. We've always bonded over music and I remember hearing this song shortly after you moved home to your Mom and feeling a new connection to the pain of the song.  I feel blessed that I didn't loose you, but I do understand the pain of wondering what it would be like to come across your child after they have left you.

You made sure I didn't loose you. I knew that was one of the things I could count on, that you would find me even if I couldn't find you. Its a privileged to be in your life. I know you have wondered if I miss you or think of you. And I do. I miss you so, so much. There are days I wish you could still be a permanent part of our family. I long for when you are an adult and can choose to spend as much time as you wanted with us. I know watching my children live the life you had with us, is sometimes very hard and hurtful.  But I so love you for accepting it and not rejecting us because of it.

I hope you have a very happy birthday. I will be thinking of you.

Love,

Mom

"Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

FAQs

I had some questions asked of me recently that I thought I would answer here:

1) How do you keep doing this after so much crap?
I actually had two different foster moms ask me this. One dealing with a false allegation and one in a kinship case with a pregnant, unstable bio mom.

I'm not sure I have an eloquent answer to this question. I think I've reached a point where I see the bigger picture - the kids.  That's not to say this stuff doesn't drive me nuts or make me emotional. I would be spitting fire if we had to deal with a false allegation. I'm really upset about the potential of having to make a decision about another baby. But if not me, who? We are good at this. There are kids that need me. And I probably need them. I am a caretaker by nature.  What would I be doing with myself if I didn't have 15 different obligations all at once? I have no idea because I've always been this way. And right now all of the current drama is related to my children. I signed up for them so I feel I need to continue dealing with the other stuff.

After 5 years of actively foster parenting I've seen all of this work out to the benefit of children.  The Fab Four have been with Maria for 3 1/2 years. The system ultimately helped them. Except for that whole Jelly Bean being molested by a foster parent thing, they are a foster care success story.  Solana got to be raised with her siblings and will continue to have a relationship with them.  My kids found a forever family and are healing from their trauma.

I have also gained from these experiences.  I have an empathy I wasn't capable of before. I have an understanding of the experience of others that I would never have bothered to pay attention to, had I not become a foster parent.  My soul is full knowing that I helped families, that I did something important with my life. If I die tomorrow, that would be enough for me to feel like my time on Earth was important.

I think there is a certain filter that gets applied after a certain amount of experiences where you can kind of step back and go - yeah, that's really not that big of a deal. I was wrong a lot at the beginning. I'm probably wrong a lot now too, but I try to view things through that lens now.  "The bio parents aren't evil they need our help" lens. And man after participating in some of these public forum with lots of foster parents, the bio parents really need our help.  I can't believe how much hatred there appears to be towards the parents.  I mean sure I recognize it, I was there once too, but I grew from it. Its really scary to me sometimes.

2) How are we doing?
We've been better and we've been worse. I don't know how much is holiday related and how much is just normal craziness with our lives.  Hubby and I are both slammed at work and are juggling very full plates. Somehow though we have managed to get to a really good place, maybe the best we've ever been in, in terms of sharing feelings, concerns, and listening to each other.  One of my biggest fears of Solana going home was that we would end up where we were when the Fab Four went home. We almost ended our marriage. It was ugly. Right now our struggle seems to be staying therapeutic. It seems our response to stress is to revert to old patterns of parenting that don't work.  So we are trying to get back on track with that. The next week marks three years that the kids moved in with us so some of it could be traumaversary related. Stella and Sarah don't seem to remember their initial reluctance to let go of their previous foster family but it was a really difficult transition for them.

I think we are seeing anxiety manifest itself in different ways from the kids and I'm hoping that being on winter break will help reduce some of their stress since they don't have homework and tests to worry about. They've gotten through 3 weeks of Solana being gone for overnight visits and I think they have seen how this might make things easier from time to time.  I think we'll probably have another 4 weeks before she officially moves. Hopefully by then our therapist's contract with the state will be signed because we haven't seen her in a month.

I think we will probably take a break for a while. I know I wrote on Facebook I sent an inquiry email about a kiddo but they found them a placement. And really, we have a lot coming up through June that I wouldn't want to add a child to.  Perhaps once Solana has been with dad for 6 months we will be ready to make a decision about continuing to foster. Smiley has said a few times "we should get another baby we can keep". I guess at this point I can't rule anything out. Seems a shame to waste these skills, LOL.

How is everyone else? Are you hanging in there? How do you keep going after all the crap?

We Can Just Get One Of Those Vans

Maria and the Fab Four came to visit us last weekend. The visit was a surprise from Maria for passing her driver's license test. (And if you don't believe people can change read this post here about how upset I was that she drove the kids without a license.) I was so excited for her. I had thrown something in the crock pot so dinner was almost ready when we all arrived.  All the kids were busy checking out the house and all the adults were putting the finishing touches on the dinner.  I love that Maria is comfortable enough to jump in and help. Then we all gathered around the table, all 11 of us and shared a meal.  We laughed and joked and caught up about what was new.

Then Maria started to talk about getting the kids baptized.  She then asked if Herbie and I had been confirmed in the Catholic Church. When we answered yes, she said:

I want to know if you would be willing to be my children's God Parents.  I want someone who will keep them, all four together if something happens to me.

I honestly started to cry. This woman was choosing us to be a part of her children's lives forever. We of course said yes.  It is a serious commitment because unlike our other Godchildren, Maria doesn't have any other family that would take the kids if something happened to her.  This wasn't just a religious request, it was a life planning one.  In our state Godparents have kinship status and have standing to be able to take guardianship of their Godchildren if parents are unable.

As we were going to sleep Hubby asked me where we would put eight children. I said we have a spare bedroom and an office, we would figure it out. 

Then he said: I guess we can always get one of those big vans to drive everyone around....

I never would have pictured that our foster care story would have this chapter.  It makes all of the stress and heartache so worth it.

Aside from being asked to be their Godparents, Gabby also said something really spectacular.  She had a lengthy conversation with Hubby where she told him, he was the only person she considered her father because he's the only one that has ever been there for him.  It was a really special moment. Even when it seems like you aren't making a difference, you really are.
 

My Greatest Achievement

Last week in a team building exercise at work I was asked to share my greatest achievement. Many shared an educational one, many shared that their kids were their achievement.

I was the first woman in my family to graduate from college. I have backpacked through the New Mexico mountains. I got into grad school. I have not 1, but 2, 1/2 marathons under my belt. I'm Mom to 8 kids in total. And my husband I have grown and changed together for 13 years. But what I feel is my greatest achievement and what I shared with my team was:

My relationship with Maria. 

Similar to Cherub Mama's comment on my last post, I've had to forgive people I didn't want to for things that were unspeakable. For things I couldn't even fathom. I had to go completely out of my comfort zone to understand their circumstances, their motivations, and their point of view. 

I wasted a lot of precious energy on being angry. On hatred. Stressed out about little things not understanding those things were little. 

I didn't want to work with Maria. I wanted her to fail so the kids would be mine forever. I wanted to judge. She was an undocumented mother to 4 kids with 4 different dads who committed a serious crime. She knew nothing about how to care for kids as evidenced by the fact they were living with me.

That's how I felt then, 4 years ago. Before she looked into my eyes and told me she wanted me to be important to her kids. Before I could see the ways she did care for her children. Before I understood the many,many obstacles this woman had overcome. The lady with little more than a 3rd grade education from a foreign country was supporting her 4 kids the best way she knew how. Because she had to. Because she was their Mom.

Somehow out of all of those negative thoughts and across the language barrier we forged a friendship. I listened as she shared her story of how she came to the US. How she was abused and stuck in dysfunctional family relationships. I helped when she needed coaching on parenting. And when she needed a letter of recommendation for immigration court, I lovingly wrote about why she should be a permanent resident of our country.

What changed? Me. I learned that there is a lot I don't know and had no frame of reference for. It's amazing how interesting our lives can be when we allow ourselves to have open minds. My greatest achievement is that I let go of all the things "I should think and feel" and embraced the idea of knowing very little about the ways of the world. To be able to bridge the many gaps we had and truly come to love this woman is an achievement of the highest kind. 

I got an excited call from Maria today. She got her drivers license and wanted to drive the Fab Four to our new house as a surprise. 

She can now drive anywhere and where does she want to go? My house! Amazing! And so proud of her for sticking with her goal. What an example to her kids. I tell them all the time- "your Mom is amazing". 

It's scary to step out of your comfort zone but sometimes it is so worth allowing your heart that room to grow. I'm a better person for having met Maria. And I'm so glad she gave me the chance to be her friend.

Emotions

Last week the TPR trial date was set for next month. In the same conversation Caseworker #3 told me that Sheila is now considering signing the identified surrender paperwork but was requesting a meeting with us to discuss what post adoption contact would look like.

I *should* be excited. At least I feel like that's supposed to be exciting news. However, I'm not feeling much of that. I'm actually kind of exhausted by the thought of a meeting and putting together guidelines and rules. We would be doing that anyway but I hate that it's on her timetable. Like all of a sudden I should be grateful she finally understands that her kids need permanency.

The adoption is still such a conceptual thing for me that I have a hard time feeling like that's real also. We have been on this path for 4 1/2 years. Plus we already feel like a family. I'm also still trying to finish up this term for school and unpack. I feel like if I focus on the adoption that's the point where it will all go off track. So I'm not going to focus on the actions of all these other people.

I have to take it one day at a time and roll with each new piece of information. You can't plan very far ahead while living in foster care land. Which is a really strange way to live for four years. I'm not quite sure what we'll do when we could leave the state on a whim or don't have to forward on information to five places. 

Maybe some of this is the blues. It dawned on me that this was the week that the Fab Four left two years ago and perhaps I'm just waiting for that kind of pain to happen in this case. It was such a random thought. Like, I know there is something special but I can't put my finger on it. Then Maria sent me a text and I was like - oh yeah!

Dear Mr. Mohawk

Dear MM,

Today you are 7. Happy, Happy Birthday. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. I remember the year you turned 4 Jelly Bean insisted we have a birthday party for you because you came into foster care right after you turned 3. You probably don't remember the moon bounce or the presents. But I do. And your "Mom" before me was there with your former foster siblings. 

I know you don't think of me as "Mom" now. You call me by my first name until your sisters correct you. It's fine with me. You should not have to remember the time you were away from your mother. You should only remember you were loved every day, always. I realize as time goes by, you will forget more and more of your time with us. I keep it in my heart. Ready to share it with you whenever you ask. I'm sure someday you will.

You are turning into a handsome young man. Full of energy and fun. And I love your smile! I'm so glad to be a witness to your life. You have grown so far from the little boy who fell asleep in my arms. I love you forever.

Foster Mom R

14 Kids on Vacation, Sure Why Not?

I.am.exhausted. We just got home from a weekend at the Waterpark resort with The Quartet, The Fab Four, and Simon and Smiley's former foster Mom who has 6 kids currently. 14 current or former foster children, ages 1-13. (Maria had to work.)

It was a great weekend. Pretty amazing when you think about how foster care normally works. Here were all these kids with former connections to other adults and kids who got to be all together again.    And the best part was they mostly got along. Mr. Mohawk and Simon looked like twins in their water wings battling the waves. Sarah and Jelly Bean were, of course, partners in crime. Stella and Gabby became pals and Smiley hung on Little Mama's every word. The big kids helped the littles and everyone survived.

Although, one of the kids (not with me) did let themselves out of the hotel room at 2 am and went missing for a few moments. Luckily, a security guard found the child (who was knocking on doors asking for food), and Hubby happened to hear them down the hall. This is a new placement and its clear that this child has some deep, deep trauma and neglect going on. No eye contact. No fear of others. Shaking the moment he was in trouble. Tantruming in public. Constantly hungry, terrible teeth, and craving sugar.

I have learned to not care why others think, but I was curious as to what was going through people's minds when we rolled into the pool with 14 kids: 8 Mexican, 6 African American, and three white parents. Only one person was brave enough to say anything. She remarked that we had a lot of kids to supervise and she thought 2 was hard. Lady, you don't know the half of it. If you heard the life stories of these children you would have signed up to give them an unforgettable weekend too. 

I got to connect with all of my kids this weekend. Even getting this letter from Gabby. She knows I love explaining how if you are getting hate mail, you are parenting the right way. Inside was a heart that said, "I will always love you."

We have come a long way in the last year. I continue to surprise myself with the fact that my heart just keeps growing bigger allowing more special people in. Never would I have though this annual trip would look like it did this weekend. Which is similar to last year when we spent the weekend with Maria and the Fab Four. I never imagined a family experience quite like this....this is way better.

A Year

Thursday marked one year since the Fab Four lived with us. I called Maria to congratulate her and tell her I thought she was doing great! We chatted about our upcoming trip to a water park. 

It was strange. I cried buckets of tears before, during, and after this day last year but there was only one brief moment that I felt sad. And then I thought about how differently the year turned out from what I expected, and I felt joy.

Reunification for the Fab Four worked. Their Mom learned what she needed to keep going. Is it hard for her? Yes. But she is working through it and reaching out when she needs too. The kids are all speaking Spanish and doing ok. I'm so glad they didn't have to lose their family.

We went from wanting to close our home to being foster parents to four new kids. Hubby and I have a must stronger relationship. We feel better prepared for what is ahead.

And in what I consider a pretty big deal, I managed to wrap Baby Shower gifts tonight without feeling jealous or sad. This is a big improvement from 3 years ago! 

Gabby Turns 12

Today was a momentous day. It was Gabby's 12th birthday party. And we got to be there. I remember sitting across from Maria at JB's IEP meeting last year and her asking me to be at the kids' birthdays. And today we completed a years worth of birthdays.

It might make the other guests raise an eye brow or two at my broken Spanish. It might seem strange that their family members call me Mom but its our normal and I wouldn't change it. I never thought we would get here but here we are. Nearly a year later and still going strong.

The kids played together. MM asked if Simon could stay. They giggled. I got home made tamales and chile rellano. We watched as Gabby's face was smashed in her cake. LM was full of sarcastic comments and eye rolling and JB had a few meltdowns. But we helped her get over them.

After the birthday party, we left with the Quartet and headed to a St. Patrick's Day party. We spent time with family and friends of the family who have known me since I was a little girl. One of them said, "watching the other kids go must have been hard but I imagine what you are doing is very rewarding". I actually thanked her for saying the right thing. No angel talk. No poor kids. No isn't that hard. I feel like taking her words and handing them out to people like business cards. Here- this is what you should say to foster parents when you meet them.

There was a guy running for congress there shaking hands. My Dad mentioned I was a foster parent. I told him to think of the beautiful kids he just met when he gets elected and votes to cut funding for social service money to our state. Maybe it wasn't the nicest introduction but it was honest.

We ended the night dancing up a storm. We had such fun! When we got home Simon asked me the same questions Jelly Bean asked me when we got home the 1st year we took her to this party: Will I get to go to the party next year? Will I still be living here?

Foster care, never far from their thoughts.

I told him if I had to guess, that yes he would still be living here. And if not, maybe his Mom would let him come. 

Still Grief

My brother and sister-in-law came over for dinner tonight. No special reason other than I thought I had made too much corned beef. (Turns out it was a perfect amount and was very delicious.) we spent the evening chatting and catching up on life.

The conversation turned to the kids.I was   talking about different they were and how well the all got along when all of a sudden it hit me that it's March 7th and they went home in April.

It had almost been a year since they lived with us. This time last year we were handling overnight visits, family meetings and talking about giving our notice.

And the sadness was overwhelming. I have no idea why, but the tears came. So I went back and read some of the posts from this time last year. I'm not sure the writing conveyed how awful I felt inside. And the band aid that was on the grief was ripped off.

At the end of it all, I still lost my kids. 

There is still a hole in my heart where they were. And while I am so glad that they have been successful and I feel blessed that they are still very much apart of our lives, I miss them. And our relationship is different (as it should be).  I am reminded of them all the time and it doesn't usually bring me to tears. 

Maybe I blocked all of the dark time out. Maybe it's the trauma anniversary phenomenon that I'm experiencing. I had all these upcoming dates in my head and I couldn't figure out why they felt familiar. Then I matched them up with the events of last year and it made more sense. They were dates of things that happened as the Fab Four left. We have a permanency hearing for the Quartet on the day the kids started their 10 day visit for spring break. I'm going to a baby shower on the anniversary of the kids leaving. 

Maybe it's the guilt of loving additional children and putting their needs ahead of the Fab Four. Or the guilt that we have so much in terms of resources, and they do not. Maybe it's the realization that a year later I'm not positioned much better to be a forever mom. While much, much better, maybe the pain will always be there in some form or fashion. 

I ran into Stella's teacher this week. She was also Jelly Bean's teacher last year. She said to me, "You look really great!" And then repeated it before we parted. I thought about the compliment and thought that probably the last time I saw her was a year ago when my life felt like it was crumbling around me. I'm going to focus on how far I've come and how much I've grown but there are still moments when it's hard.

I have kids sleeping in the next room. Really great, smart, sweet, lovable kids who need a Mom. That's a pretty important reason to put all of the other parts to the side and keep trudging through foster care land. There were other kids out there who needed our help. 

Sweet Dreams

I wish I could record the kids sleeping and share it. The snoring going on is hysterical. And they all wanted to share a bed! I decided to let them figure out sleeping arrangements. The way they paired up was interesting. 

MM and Simon of course were together. I heard MM say to Simon "I'm going to call you my brother from now on". I'm not sure if that was because he couldn't remember his name or if he really felt like he added a sibling!

Jelly Bean and Stella decided to share. I'm sure one of them is going to end up on the floor as Jelly Bean tends to move in her sleep. Sarah and Smiley begged Gabby to share the full size bed with them. I'm pretty sure she only agreed because that's the bed the dog sleeps on. I ended up waking her up and moving her to the top bunk that somehow ended up empty. LM took the top bunk in the boys room. I'm going to bet she asks to sleep on the couch tomorrow night.

So far everyone has been good. They had a nice time at the dance. The kids who were friends with the Fab Four were excited to see them. The Quartet proved that they are dancing queens. All in all it was a lot of fun. Maria and I both danced with our sons. It was a really cool moment. 

I realize this is one of my really crazy ideas. I'm approaching all of it with a very large dose of patience. I'm just so happy that they are all under one roof. And for one brief second I thought- wouldn't this be fun to have all of these kids? And then I remembered all of the other issues and dynamics...And the joy I feel for Maria that her kids don't need me to be their Mom on a daily basis. 

She gets a much needed break, I get to be loved by 8 kids. And the dog has this grin on his face. I swear if he could talk he'd say, "My kids! My kids! I'm so happy they are here!". 

A day like this is truly a blessing from foster care. If you had told me three years ago I would plan to have 8 kids in my home for the weekend I wouldn't have believed you. But they are all here. Sleeping soundly in a home where they all feel safe. That's a pretty amazing thought. In this rare instance, I'll admit we are a pretty amazing family. 

Three Ring

So the daycare had a Valentine's Day Dance for their families every year. We didn't get to go last year because of visits but had gone the year before. This year we are able to go and they invited the Fab Four to come as well! And since they were going to be out our way, they are spending the weekend with us. 

8 kids. So naturally I bought tickets to the circus. Maybe they will add us to the show!

Fab Four Update

I spoke with Maria today. We had invited her and the kids over for the Super Bowl. They aren't going to be able to make it but we caught up in what was going on. The kids are in a mentor program and seem to be doing ok.

The week with my Mom seemed to really help LM and JB's medication has been adjusted and seems to be working better. Maria asked if my Mom could take JB to an appointment next week. My Mom readily agreed. That's what grandma's do! I love that she still can support the kids and that Maria feel comfortable enough to ask.

I then spoke to Gabby for a few minutes. It made me really miss her. I actually got teary eyed. She stopped by day care and met the Quartet last week. She commented that they were really quiet. I asked her if it was weird or made her sad and she said no. She's a good egg, that one. I love her so much. 

FAQ

The questions I've been getting often are- What about the other kids? And - How are they doing?

What about the other kids is in response to us taking on a new placement. And it's becoming annoying pretty quickly. It's annoying because it implies that somehow we've abandoned or forgotten the other kids. It's a different twist on the "don't you get attached comment". Kind of like, "didn't you get attached?"

I know the question is well meaning. I know it's mean to be of concern. But it comes across as a dig at times. I want to say, "What about them? They have moved on. I need to do that too. This is how it's supposed to work. What am I supposed to do? Quit because my feelings got hurt?" But I feel like I owe it to the kids to give a better explanation.

The other kids are excited for us. They've met the new kids and had a great time with them. We are still here to support them as much as we can. We are here to support Maria as much as we can. I feel comfortable moving forward because I believe that they have enough resources and done enough healing that me as foster mom, will not be necessary. It's time for me to open my home and my heart and help a different family.

And how are the Fab Four? They are doing ok. The girls have hit the teen attitude phase. LM got some tough love from me and an evaluation from a psychiatrist for depression and that was enough for her to adjust her attitude. JB is doing great at school and is slightly more stable in her mood swings. She is still tantruming but not as frequently. Gabby included us in her school concert this week. She is as moody as can be and hormones are to blame. MM is on meds for ADHD and he seems a little more focused. He is still not always listening but he doesn't seem to be in the middle of every issue anymore. Maria got hired full time at her job and will begin accruing vacation time. She was actually paid for Thanksgiving off this year. I told her how proud I was of her and that now, I see that she did work hard to get her kids back and she shared the judge sent her a letter to the same effect. We get to seem them every couple of weeks. They still call us Mom and Dad. We are still important in their lives and I have a feeling we may always be. 

As we move into this other case I feel wiser. We've really come a long, long way in a shorter period of time than I expected. I feel like I have a lifetime of foster care experience and I'm prepared to put it to use. In 2 weeks we will have kids living in our house again. And I'm sure this case will have quite a few blogable moments.

A Very Good Day

Here was the order:

Little Mama, Simon, Mr. Mohawk, Gabby, Smiley, Jelly Bean, Maria, Me, and Hubby. All nine of us at the movie theater. It might have taken two cars and three booster seats to get us there but we went. And even though all six kids were seated next to each other, no issues.

I missed the initial meeting but I guess all the kids were excited to meet each other.   It was another of our "either this is brilliant  or this a spectacularly stupid" ideas. Brilliant was the consensus.

After the movie we went to lunch. Split an egg nog milkshake between us girls and then headed back to hang out at our house. 

If you had told me last year that in 364 days I would have driven 40 minutes to pick up the gang, happily paid for a movie and lunch and then invited everyone back to hang out at the house and eventually end up watching the Blackhawks game with us nine plus my parents, I would have told you, you were out of your Ever. Lovin. Mind.

I was blissfully happy today. Everyone was smiling. Laughing. Giggling. Playing nicely. Maria felt so comfortable she actually fell asleep on our couch. (Everyone falls asleep on it. It is the black hole of couches.) 

After dropping the Fab Four off I came in to check on Simon and Smiley. Simon was still awake. He was laying there smiling. He told me the reason he was smiling was today was a really fun day.

Yes it was. This is the part where foster care doesn't suck. Moments and days like today when kids get to have fun. Where parenting is a joy. When the system really puts back together a family and they become successful. When the adults decide to let the kids be the focus and something great becomes of it.

I'm sure to the people who came across us today we looked like an odd group. We got a few stares when we walked in with six kids. Go ahead and stare. This is what true love looks like. 

Losing Isaiah

It's been a long time since I've seen the movie "Losing Isaiah". I remembered that it was a movie about a black child being raised in a white foster home. 

Since I became a foster parent movies like this are seen through a different lens. I have a different perspective of the characters, the children, the circumstances. I was reminded of this when I caught the last 15 minutes of Losing Isaiah tonight.

WARNING SPOILER ALERT:

The scene I caught was the birth Mom taking the baby home. Then the foster parents are shown in their home. The foster dad tries to put a toy away and the foster mom tells him to leave it. He wants to move on, she wants to stay stuck in a world where she doesn't have to move.

And it felt like someone had stabbed my heart. I had lived several moments just like the one on the tv. The emotional reaction to the scene was immediate.

Hubby wanted to move out all the kids' stuff and I wanted to hang on to it. Deep down my hope was that they would come back. And we had a heated moment that ended with me crumpled on the floor in grief just like in the movie. The foster mom crying out she didn't know it would hurt so much to lose him. Words I uttered more than once.

I'm still crying 20 minutes later. Grief bottled up, spilling back out. This time I'm crying because of what will never be. The kids aren't coming back, although, they have not disappeared as I feared. In fact, we will be seeing them tomorrow. But my dreams for them, for us as a family are gone. And the fear of the unknown hanging over me. 

A few months ago I was ready for sweeping change, now I'm craving stability. Or a plan. I'd settle for a plan. 

I'm Rusty

I forgot how stressful redirection can be. It was constant this past weekend. Jelly Bean just could not get it together. Over and over and over and over again.

The minute they got in my car Friday we went over the house rules. We went over the activities and then I answered to Mom a gazillion times. But that didn't matter because she basically broke every.single.one. And I know its testing. But it was exhausting. I mean been there. Done that. Bought the T-Shirt. There were no major incidents just a constant need for negative attention.

The really big thing was she left the door to the garage and the house wide open. So of course the dog got out. I have no idea how long he was outside and thankfully he stuck close by because when Gabby went outside to look for him he came right to her. But I was so upset I told the kids they needed to find a separate corner of the house where I couldn't see them. Ok. I yelled it. So the oldest two were crying and I couldn't find the youngest two when I came back to get to the bottom of who left the doors open. Apparently, Get to a corner where I can't see you meant hide to them. So we called them they came out of  - you guessed it - separate corners.

There is no road map for this. And I admitted to myself this weekend that this is hard. And I can't expect them to respond and act the way they had been because its been 5 months and there are in a new world. And at this point, I'm glad they are. Mr. Mohawk told me how he had to draw a really good picture for school. He drew his family. He drew me, Hubby and "my other Mom". Which made me smile.

There were lots of really great moments in between the redirection. So all was not lost. In fact, we had a fun weekend. And we laughed. A lot. Which is probably what I miss the most. When I dropped them off and no one cried (including me) and Maria gave me a bag full of fresh from the field corn (seriously I don't know who she thinks I'm feeding) and her friend was bringing in pumpkins for the kids to carve everything seemed like it was in the right place. And thats really all I can ask for.

Unprepared

This weekend was the first time we've taken the kids to a non-family party since they moved home. A friend was having a house warming and we ran into one of her friends that stood up in her wedding like I did. And she asked me when did I get so many kids.

Folks. I was totally caught off guard. In five months I have not had to think about how to answer that question while near the kids. And I honestly wasn't sure how to answer. Since the kids have introduced us as "their Foster parents they used to live with" I decided to tell the fluffy version of the truth.

Well, we are foster parents and these four used to lived with us for two years but are now living with their Mom and they get to visit. Their Mom has been great about letting us see them and she has been so gracious. Really we've just become a big extended family.

Thankfully, she didn't ask why they were in foster care. She just kept saying I couldn't imagine. That must have been so hard. Which is a new twist on the, "I couldn't give them back" response that is so popular. I usually confirm that yes, it was very hard. But we've seen the best case scenario- a family that desperately needed services receive them and kids that are doing well and still supported in our lives. 

My friend told someone I "basically have the biggest heart ever". I would usually be quick to downplay that but maybe there is some truth to that. Maybe each time your heart gets broken, and you put it back together, you make more room?

Aside from it being in my nature to care for people, there is nothing that makes me more qualified than anyone else. I've learned some pretty unique skills, but most anyone can do that. You would do this if you knew the rewards that come with it. Which doesn't make me selfless. It makes me human.

Fab Four

So I picked up the kids last night. Maria told me that since the kids were not helping her clean this weekend they were to be put work and help at my house.

I might love this woman!

She also told me to call more. She doesn't want me to be worried about calling. "You are family. The kids ask when you will call." 

Point taken.

The 45 minute drive was just a constant stream of Mom, Mom, Mom. Giggling. And a discussion about who gets to massage Dad's feet. The answer was me because "you married him". 

And that dog of ours. Happy as a clam.