That's the Story of Love

I've always been a fan of Bette Midler.  The Rose is one of my favorite songs. And her version of In My Life beats the Beatles hands down in my opinion. I've even seen her twice in concert. My Hubby played hooky worked from home today so I got to take his car which has an IPod jack in it.  I was feeling kind of down.  I think Friday's court date had a lot to do with it. As much as I help my kids process and deal with emotion I also sometimes need some space to do that too.  As the Mom you don't often get the chance to rage and cry to let it all out.  And since I listen to raging and crying on a daily basis sometimes I'm jealous that I don't get to do the same. My kids have not seen their Mother in over a week and had three appointments with her cancelled last week. 

So listening to this song on my iPod this morning on my way to work I sang my HEART OUT.


You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each other's arms.

You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

And like most things it made me think of my kids.  How we have good and bad and that its all part of this madness called life.  Sometimes you have to let things go and "roll by".  That the world sometimes doesn't care and sometimes all you have left are eachother. (Like when judges think kids vomitting each time they see their Mother should continue visiting said Mother.)

This reminder of what love takes was especially important tonight as Jelly Bean struggled big time with her reading homework.  Trauma Brain took over before she even got started. "I'm never going to finish.  The book is too big.  My teacher gave me too many books to read. I am stupid.  I'm never going to be able to get my chores done." She was ok for a while as she sat within 5 feet of me while I was making dinner.  Gabby was having an off night and so she was needing homework assistance - and Little Mama is actually still up doing homework as I type this at 11:15 PM because she has no idea how to take a main idea, give examples and tie together with a concluding sentence. We've been working on this assignment for 2 hours.  Did you know the rulers of the Han Dynasty allowed art and scholarship to flourish and created a Chinese Dictionary? Now you know.But I digress.....

Jelly Bean started to escalate her behavior.  When I looked over and saw the ugly cry face I knew it was going ot get rough.

 "Jelly Bean if you need a break  you can go up to your room until you are ready to work"

"Noooo. (Gets up - Stomp stomp stomp up the staris as crying and screamining begins.) I'm soo stupid. I HATE this family."

In my head I'm going ok not just about homework.  This is also about family.

"You need to try that agian." (We don't allow stomping and screaming up the stairs. If you are dismissed to your room you may go and cry and scream in there but you will not stomp up the stairs.)

"Oh my GOOOSHHSHHSH" as she comes down the stairs quietly and goes back up quietly.  Then the wailing begins.

Now please believe me when I tell you my 8 year old sounds like a baby crying that can't be soothed. An up in the middle of the night I need to be fed/have a fever/colic cry that does not stop.  She went a good 15 minutes before I heard, "Mommy...help me.....Mommy..."

Tomorrow (meaning in 30 minutes) will be one year that Jelly Bean and Mr. Mohawk have lived here.  We made the mistake (yes I said mistake) of telling her last week this factoid.  Why is it a mistake? Well because even though I find joy in this milestone she find pain.  Because even though I'm happy we are a family she is not.  She is concerned we will move her too.  She is worried her mother won't get her back.  She feels safe and this is super scary to a kid used to operating in choas (although I would consider our lives quite choatic it is nowhere near the level she lived in).

I went up the stairs and found her lying in her bed.  I called to her softly.  I looked at her with soft eyes.  I stretched out my hand.  "Jelly Bean, honey, Mommy is here.  Come to me. Let me pick you up." She cowered in the corner of the bed. I was able to get my arms under her arm pits and lift her up like a toddler.  I pulled her into my lap and rocked her agianst my chest like a baby.  She almost instantly calmed and quieted.  I murmered. You are loved. You are safe over and over.  Hubby came in and gently asked her what was wrong.

"I miss my Mom.  I miss my Uncle.  I talked about my Uncle with Mr. Social Worker at lunch today.  He had us draw something that makes us sad.  I drew my Uncle's grave."

Today I saw it coming.  Today I was able to keep calm because she needed me to do that.  I was able to keep at it with Little Mama for almost 2 hours.  And recognize in the process how far we've come since the begining of the school year.

And now in an up date to this post the family therapist emailed back today.  Sorry for the confusion about the email address.  It is unethical to discuss clients conditions over email (Um I work with 3 other therapists and a case worker who ask me to email updates about how everyone is doing and you've thanked me for all the emails I've sent you but ok.).  I think everyone wants to help this family and this mission will be best served if everyone sticks to their roles.

1. I didn't discuss specific conditions - I said setting these appointmenst with this conflict is going to cause backlash.  You want to walk into a session with 3 angry kids who once agian got jipped in the fun, normal activity department be my guest.  Personally, I'd want the heads up.
2. What role are you playing? You told the kids to lie to me.
3. What do you think my role is.  Oh thats right I'm just the foster parent.  I mean nothing.  I'm just supposed to handle all the appointments, tears, anger, sadness, anxiety, hospitalizations, changes to our schedule, Mom's new work schedules and sit back and put a smile on my face as if everything is peachy.  I'm supposed to support reunification and Mom and apparently that means turning a blind eye to all of the issues like everyone else.   Sorry I didn't go to that training class.  I went to the one where I was told I was supposed to work as part of a team to help a family but first and foremost I am to 1) advocate for my foster kids 2) keep them safe.

Too darn bad if you aren't used to working with foster parents like me.  It makes me so sad that the way we approach this is the exception rather than the rule.  I think the fact that we have all 4 of the kids and nearly for a year, and they have flourished in our home should speak for itself.  I'm not a total idiot.  I'm in tune to them.  I know their hurts and issues inside and out.  I see the problems from different angles and I am willing to try whatever might work to help them heal.  If you aren't part of the solution  you're part of the problem.  I have enough problems....If you can't be a part of this particular Team and how it works then you can be excused.

When an 8 year old acts like an infant...

Jelly Bean still continued to struggle. Anxiety meds have still not been approved. She woke up this morning with a bad attitude and somewhere between 6:30am and 6:50 decided to hit her sister with a brush (which is unusual as sh never seems to actually use the brush on her HAIR) and then proceeded to battle it out with Hubby in a rousing game of "Melt Down Mania". She told him recently a way to help her when she's tantruming is to mirror her so she can see how out of control she is. I think it's BD and obnoxious but it was a Power Struggle this morning and Hubby and are extremely consistent in our discipline. So she started to wail and scream and he did exactly what she did. 20 minutes later I had had enough and told her her attitude better change getting into the car or it was straight to bed after school.

She was upset because he wanted her to eat breakfast. Now the rule is you have to provide reasonable food and time to eat it. You cannot force the kid to eat. So we provided, gave her time and she chose to not eat. Oh well she'll learn that lesson when she gets hungry.

Then the minute she stepped in her room when we got home tonight the tantrum started. Banging her head against the dresser. I explained the choices stop screaming or go to bed. She calmed a bit then took aim at her little brother and I had to step in. I repeated the choices. Stop screaming or go to bed. And off she went. After 25 minutes and LM coming home in the middle of it I got her to comply with my request to go lay on her bed and scream. After anoth 20 minutes she fell asleep. Apparently waking up terrified that we had left her home alone. Hubby had come home and I had run an errand. When I got home she cried about how scared she was that she was never going to see me Agian and how sorry she was for calling me a loser, a freak, and telling me she hated me.

I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I hoped next time she'd use her tools and words.

She's just a little girl but when she cries like that it's like an infant who can't be soothed.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Jelly Bean has been struggling for the last few weeks. I really feel this is due to an increase in time spent with her Mom. Her medication that was working wonders seemingly stopped working. And the meltdowns and tantrums began to become frequent Agian. Last weekend she made a statement about wishing she was dead. We got her calmed down and Monday she seemed fine. Tuesday the attitude returned and she threw a tantrum because she was afraid she wasn't going to see her therapist because I was talking to her. Wednesday I got a phone call from the principal that she bit a kid during reading class.

That night I was taking Gabby to see the psychiatrist to be evaluated for anxiety. It's the same doctor so I asked if JB could be seen since she was struggling. The doctor asked her if she felt like hurting anyone and she said herself. The doctor asked her how and she said a knife. And with that a call was made to the hospital next door and we were sent.

We saw two admissions evaluators who spoke to two psychiatrists. At one point partial inpatient was mentioned but it was decided full inpatient was the path we would be on. Some 5 1/2 hours later I wa s leaving her. She cried and cried when she figured out she wasn't going home. Telling me over and over she was going to miss me. That she didn't mean what she said.

If she wast serious on any level this will be a really hard way to learn about the boy who cried wolf. If she was we did the right thing and she's getting the help she needs.

The facility is specifically fo children and it's he only one in the state. I feel fortunate that it's only 20 minutes away from our house. They let Jelly Bean participate in out meeting yesterday about her treatment plan. They believe this may be a ton of anxiety and what to figure that out. She will be there at least a week, probably more. Her caseworker asked if her Mom could come see her if she provided a supervisor. The psychiatrist told her no. This would not be in her best interest. We need to gt her more stable. I asked if it was still ok for us to come and he said absolutely. I asked her if she needed anything and she said "I just need you."

Her sisters did not take any of this well. They are scared they are never going to see her. It reminds them of the 9 months they were separated. Everyone they love leaves or is taken away. Little Mama cried all day Thursday and when leaving her visit with her Mom Friday. She came home and cried and for the first time I can remember shared difficult feelings right when she had them.

Somehow I managed to get both of them to stop crying. It involved a lot of silliness and everyone sitting in an oversized chair all piled on top of me. Truth be told I needed them too. They weren't ready for bed so we watched A Christmas Story with hot chocolate and Marshmallows. I tucked them into Jelly Beans bed. I have a feeling they will both sleep there until she comes home. They even left the light that they fight about on in her honor.