Triggered By a Master's Degree

I've mentioned before that I'm in Grad School.  I'm working on a masters in Health Care Law.  (Not to brag but I have a 4.0 at law school. I think my undergraduate GPA was like a 2.7 and not because I was out partying either.  Its not a fake island based law school either.  Its a well known brick and mortar Catholic university with a campus and dorms and everything. (I will admit I picked this one because I can actually walk graduation in cap and gown and ceremony like that is important to me.))

My program is on-line and so I have yet to actually go to campus. We have a fancy cloud based classroom where teachers give live lecture and all of your homework is on-line.  I'm not going to lie.  This whole working mother thing has made juggling all of this very hard at times and tonight I had class and then was able to get everyone in bed in time for me to sit down and do some of my reading.

I had to read the following Supreme Court case from 1989 ( I give you my two second overview below if you don't want to read the legal mumbo jumbo):

DeShaney v. Winnebago County Department of Social Services (No. 87-154)

DSS in Wisconsin became aware of a child who was being abused by his father, failed to remove him from his abusive father, who despite being visited by DSS (who was documenting the suspicious marks) continued to beat him until he was beaten so badly he suffered traumatic brain injury and was left severely retarded.

The mother (non-custodial parent) sued the state for violating her son's Due Process Rights to life, liberty, or property, without due process of law. The Supreme Court had to decide if the lower courts properly decided if Wisconsin denied the child those rights.  The answer was no - they did not violate his Due Process rights because the constitution does not mandate that the state protect citizens from private harm. And because the state did not remove him, they did not contribute to his situation being more worse than if he had never been on their radar in the first place.

Two Supreme Court judges disagreed with the ruling.  Both found that because DSS was involved and DSS is the end all be all of child protection in the state (making decisions, being notified, investigating), their failure to remove him was just like failing to give a prisoner reasonable medical treatment, thus violating Due Process.  I have to say I agree 100% with the dissenting judges.

It totally derailed my studying for the night. It triggered all of my feelings about protecting my kids and protecting Solana from the same experiences that Sarah has had. The court cases swirling at the Texas and New York State levels calling for kids to be moved out of the system in a reasonable time frame because it is denying their rights to safely and permanency. And how ridiculous is it that we live in a country that doesn't seem to get that kids need stable, safe, loving homes.  That our laws are written in such a manner that a man beat his child so severely that he ends up institutionalized and the state that was aware had no responsibility to that kid. The fact that the judges compared this case to the landmark cases about the care of prisoners, tells us something. 

Let that sink in.  To determine if what the state did was right or not, the facts were compared to the case about the mistreatment of a prisoner.

This boy, could have been my kids.  The case was from 1989 but it seems, not much has changed.  Sure my children weren't physically abused but they were neglected. Neglected so severely that they had no idea how to form basic relationships or trust adults. They had no idea how to be apart of a family.  Incident after incident and they kept returning my kids to their Mom.  Made me think of Cherub Mamma's kiddos.  Daisy who is still bouncing around the system with her sister and the adorable Russell who was abused so badly that Cherub Mamma is undergoing an investigation because he re-fractured a previous break at her home. And the state finally steps in to remove these kids and still, does nothing to move them along into stable, permanent homes, even when they are in an adoptive home, within a reasonable timeframe.  Stella has been bouncing around for 11 years now.  I think 11 years is long enough.

This particular week's lesson is on Public Policy vs the Rights of individuals.  I have a feeling this is going to be a tough thing for me to separate.


 

My Own Trigger

I have a few posts on pause because I deemed them simply too sad for the week of Thanksgiving. Wednesday morning as I dropped the kids off and still couldn't shake the urge to cry I realized that perhaps, I was experiencing my own trauma anniversary. Which makes sense. My Grandma passed the day before Thanksgiving two years ago and I miss her terribly.

Today is the actual anniversary date and I'm handling it fairly well. I think for me the day before Thanksgiving is my trigger. I was a mess. I volunteered to make the turkey at her house and spend the night to keep my grandfather company. And as I was opening every drawer in her kitchen, trying to familiarize myself with the location of everything, I prayed that I could recall the lessons she taught me about her secret to amazing stuffing. Then I had to laugh because at 31 it was really the first time I was allowed in the kitchen while cooking was going on and no one was telling me to move.

It did a little introspection. I checked in with my emotions and feelings and I think the one I'm feeling the most is anger.  I'm angry that I'm still grieving. I'm angry that I'm preparing myself to grieve more when the kids go home. I was even angry at mass on Thanksgiving. A couple got up to talk about what they were grateful for and the spoke about adoption. The thanked God for giving them the means to adopt internationally, then have biological children, and now are bring another child home through adoption. Then I was angry at myself for being angry that God was seemingly providing for them and not me.

And I'm letting the little things make me angry. Like the fact that the kids Mom wasn't home on Wednesday when they kids showed up for the visit. And that after 30 minutes of driving around her town they brought the kids back to daycare ( 45 minutes each way) and then picked them up ten minutes later when they finally got a hold of her and drove them back to her house. I'm angry about her new iPhone 5 (because I'm sorry if the court changes your permanency goal just so you can qualify for a housing grant I don't think that means you should be out buying the latest technology in smart phones). I'm angry that she bought Little Mama very expensive fashion sneakers when Mr. Mohawk and Jelly Bean actually need every day shoes. I'm angry that I'm being judgemental and petty. I'm angry that the kids are still having nightmares and wetting the bed and throwing up on days they see her and I'm angry that it doesn't matter.

So I did what I do best when I get angry -  I cleaned. I organized. I shampooed my carpets. Then I got a little creative and painted the kids' Christmas ornaments. Because sometimes I just need to get crafty.

If I'm working through the stages of grief, I believe bargaining is next.

Stolen Chips, A Visit and a Thunderstorm

As predicted the visits are going to be moved back to accommodate Mom's schedule. I had to laugh though because the same day I got this news Gabby came home with a birthday party invitation for a Saturday afternoon. When asked what she wanted to do she told me it was a really hard decision. Apparently visits the park don't have as much appeal as a gymnastics party.

Jelly Bean presented me with a co-parenting opportunity by stealing chips, bringing them to day care, getting caught, and calling the teacher an idiot and running her mouth. Of course the chips that she took were the kind her Mom sends home weekly so I sent her a text told her what happened and asked her to not send chips with her this week. Of course she sent a text back about a different kid.... Did I mention these texts are in Spanish? And her grammar and spelling are so bad Google Translate doesn't work?

The visit they had today was later afternoon and unfortunately Mom was late by 5 minutes. Just long enough to freak the kids out. Their uncle, his girlfriend (Mom's roommate) an the girlfriends kids were all at the visit. I'm glad the kids are seeing additional family but again she's supposed to be learning to parent. She can't do that if there are other children and other adults there to distract them. But again that's probably a part of the reason they are there.

Little Mama and Jelly Bean came home pretty sad. Little Mama because the visit didn't start well and Jelly Bean had a very strong reaction and cried real tears for the first time in months. The pressure of trying to be perfectly behaved, the fear of getting hurt, of being forgotten, and the fear of not returning home.

I rocked her. I acknowledged her fears. I listened. She processed and then was able to take a shower and get into bed with no issues. Then the thunderstorm hit and it was Little Mama's turn to meltdown.

Thunder and lighting upset most kids. But I have children that actually dissociate when they happen. A few weeks ago we were in the car when a really bad storm hit- think uprooted trees in the middle of the road. That storm actually scared me too but when I looked over at LM she was literally white knuckled.

Tonight I heard the clap of thunder and then crying. I initially thought it was Mr. Mohawk but found out it was Little Mama. The sound triggered her to her "scary place" or dissociative state.

As a parent this is very alarming. You walk into a room and see your kid literally shaking, crying and when you come near she recoils. I have learned to walk softly and slowly and not move towards her. Her therapists have taught her a tapping technique but we took that one step further and have started EFT Tapping. (I'll link to some great sites - thanks Lisa when I have time.) So I walked her through the tapping and got her back in less than three minutes. Even the dog seemed calmer.

About 15 minutes later the storm had started to move on and LM started to look like she could try to fall asleep. Such a brave girl.

Triggers

We are hitting the trifecta of triggers this weekend.  Visit, Mother's Day, End of the School Year. We are quickly headed towards the big trauma anniversary that is the end of June.  You can feel the nervous energy the kids are emmitting.  You can feel the stress in the nature of the bickering and poor choices and the tattling. Oh.My.Word.The Tattling.

And Mom has to get good at remembering to out crazy the crazy and fast.

If you had driven by the day care about 6:15 you would have seen my kids "shaking" the attitudes out of their systems before getting in the car. Wiggling their little tooshies until I saw the smiles. Only then could they get in the car. Interestingly enough, Jelly Bean was the first to crack.