Oh Man

Sometimes I feel guilty because the kids have healed so much. I listen and read about others who are really struggling with big, giant, behaviors and issues and I feel like an outsider because we don't deal with it on a constant basis. I'm relieved that we aren't living in that level of chaos daily and guilt ridden by the relief.

And then we have an episode like the one a few Fridays ago that rolled into Saturday and I feel silly for letting myself believe we were in such a great place.  We can't be. The trauma will require life-long adjustments and healing. We always have to be prepared to deal with the triggers and the false sense of stability sometimes knocks me on my ass. When it was daily I felt like I was always at the ready. But when the rage and tantrums come out of nowhere, I feel like I'm totally unprepared. And for whatever reason, those really great trauma parenting skills I've learned are hard to tap into at those moments.

Sarah is struggling right now. She's watching Stella get some responsibility and freedom since entering middle school. There is a major case of envy. Add to that a parent visit day at school and her birthday and mine and we have all the ingredients for a triggered kiddo.  So of course the logical thing for my Sarah to do is just start doing what she wants.

For example:

Me: Where are you going? You are getting on the bus to day care. I will pick you up there after I run my errands.
Sarah: I know

Me: Hello?
Hubby: I got a call from the principal. He said Sarah got confused and started to walk home from school. She said you told her she was going home with you. He told her Mom would pick her up from day care later but he was worried about the wording being triggering that you weren't picking her up now.

Later that day I notice a car driving up and down the street slowing in front of our house. Sarah and Smiley ask to go outside and two girls get out of the car. I go outside and the Mom waves to me and says: "I'll pick my daughters up at 7:30."

I'm sorry?

Me: Sarah?
Sarah: Remember I told you about my friend? I told you she was coming over.
Me: Excuse me? You told me!? I have 15 people coming over for a party in 30 minutes.  I certainly did not give permission, nor did we discuss it. After I get done explaining that to this Mom in my driveway you have some major explaining to do.

Commence Tantrum.

Stomping up stairs, throwing things off the bed. Trying to shut the door on me. Pounding on the floor so loudly the people below setting up for the party could hear. Screaming and yelling. "You're not the boss of me. I don't have to listen. You aren't my Mmm....."

She stayed in her room all night and woke up in much the same space the next morning. When I asked her to sit on the floor for her safety and she iron gripped the bed frame, I called our therapist, something I've not done in the nearly 3 years they have lived with us.

She coached me through the technique. Directed no consequences. Helped me get out of my "typical parenting brain". By the time I went back into Sarah's room, she had gotten unstuck and started with "I'm sorry.". 

She wet the bed that night.

And then it was like it was out of her system.  We even managed a visit with Sheila the next day. No issues.

When an 8 year old acts like an infant...

Jelly Bean still continued to struggle. Anxiety meds have still not been approved. She woke up this morning with a bad attitude and somewhere between 6:30am and 6:50 decided to hit her sister with a brush (which is unusual as sh never seems to actually use the brush on her HAIR) and then proceeded to battle it out with Hubby in a rousing game of "Melt Down Mania". She told him recently a way to help her when she's tantruming is to mirror her so she can see how out of control she is. I think it's BD and obnoxious but it was a Power Struggle this morning and Hubby and are extremely consistent in our discipline. So she started to wail and scream and he did exactly what she did. 20 minutes later I had had enough and told her her attitude better change getting into the car or it was straight to bed after school.

She was upset because he wanted her to eat breakfast. Now the rule is you have to provide reasonable food and time to eat it. You cannot force the kid to eat. So we provided, gave her time and she chose to not eat. Oh well she'll learn that lesson when she gets hungry.

Then the minute she stepped in her room when we got home tonight the tantrum started. Banging her head against the dresser. I explained the choices stop screaming or go to bed. She calmed a bit then took aim at her little brother and I had to step in. I repeated the choices. Stop screaming or go to bed. And off she went. After 25 minutes and LM coming home in the middle of it I got her to comply with my request to go lay on her bed and scream. After anoth 20 minutes she fell asleep. Apparently waking up terrified that we had left her home alone. Hubby had come home and I had run an errand. When I got home she cried about how scared she was that she was never going to see me Agian and how sorry she was for calling me a loser, a freak, and telling me she hated me.

I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I hoped next time she'd use her tools and words.

She's just a little girl but when she cries like that it's like an infant who can't be soothed.

Week 5

We’ve had a busy week. We survived an all day shopping trip to two malls and lunch at Rainforest Café. We had no less than 9 trips to the bathroom. Where I discovered that I believe there should be a code of some sort in restaurants aimed at kids that the stalls be big enough for both parent and child to fit in (or at least shut the door without the child’s head being in the toilet) and sinks not be either scalding hot or freezing cold. The kids did pretty well. A little trouble sharing the spotlight when trying on clothes and a certain 7 year old who decided she was going to have an attitude at lunch were the only issues. The kids had a great time shopping with my Mom and my Dad loved every minute of showing his Grandson the monkeys and apes.

Fast forward to Saturday night when Jelly Bean was going to bed and was asking about bad dreams and then revealed to me her abuse. She started with the sexual abuse that the 2nd foster father inflicted and then moved on to the physical abuse that her Mom inflicted. And after some discussion she finally agreed that if I stayed with her she would feel comfortable telling her therapist. We then gave her some power the next night when she was throwing a tantrum at my husband and he asked her if he could sit on her bed to talk to her and she asked if she could say no – and he said of course. So she said no and told him he could sit on the chair. Oh but the whining and the tantrums continued. Right up to last night when she lied about homework. It was exhausting. And while I suspect a lot of this has to do with her trusting us and now testing us to see what we’ll do I’m also suspicious that this is far deeper and that underneath is some reactive attachment disorder stuff. But then again the adults also forgot to give her her ADHD medication that morning. Hmmm.

We also went to my Mother-in-laws house and they got to meet her and play with her dog. She also lent us a ton of Disney movies which the kids really liked. And apparently that led Mr. Mohawk to consider acting as when he was supposed to be sleeping he was instead playing with his Snoopy and Turtle. When we caught him he pretended to be asleep and he was pretty convincing. So my husband took Snoopy and put him to the side and covered him back up. A few minutes later he went back in and it looked like he was in the same position. So he whispered “do you want your Snoopy” and poor little guy fell for it. First by nodding then by answering yes and finally opening his eyes because he knew he was busted!

We also went to church where the kids did a great job. And they visited my chiropractor. Who is amazing. And told us that Mr. Mohawk would start to share more. And sure enough at dinner time out of left field he said, “My Real Mom hit me on my butt and it hurt me.” Kind of hard to deny energy not flowing correctly as a cause for ailments when you hear that story. I’m a pretty skeptical person who has two feet firmly planted in reality but the fact that acupuncture has helped me so tremendously I have to trust that something inside the little man was blocking those feelings from coming out.