Game On

Ooff. I feel like I said "Sign me up. I'm ready to be a Forever Mom." And the Universe said, "Game on."

Same week as Adoption Day:

Lice- Check

Bonus Points for all 3 older girls- Check

Stomach Flu- Check

Bonus Points- Stomach Flu in the back of the minivan- Check

Infant Fever- Check

Infant Teething- Check

Hubby- "death by illness"- Check

Mom- Fever and stomach flu- Check

Mom- Lice- Check.

Now it's 1:39 AM and Hubby is sleeping beside me and I just got the baby back to sleep after 15 minutes of her "calling" to us and crying. 

What the Hell Dude? You literally just said "Aww how and I supposed to sleep when my baby is calling out for me 'Da da da'?"

I'm totally going to mess with his bed settings when he starts snoring. I'd rub my hair on his head if it didn't mean more literal nit picking for me later....

I have a confession

I am not the Pinterest Mom I wish I had time to be. I've not puréed baby food. I've not warmed a bottle that wasn't in the refrigerator first. We didn't dye Easter eggs. Our Valentines were store bought. And tonight as I was feeding the baby her prepackaged peach purée, I decided that was totally okay. 

As the Mom I always hoped to be, I'm a total failure. I'm notoriously late with the tooth fairy payments and this past week I told the one kiddo that maybe the tooth fairy didn't come because she knew she was going to have 4 cavities. Fun snacks of ant on a log- ha! Go get some carrots and put them in a ziplock because I have no idea where the lid is to the reusable container.

And while my kids do tolerate the dressing alike (for now), none of those outfits were hand made. And while I've thrown together some decent felt costumes, none of my children have the memory quilts I planned to make them (in my head). 

And you know what? Also totally okay. Because I'm doing the best I can, with what I've got, on any given day. 

Sometimes by the hour. Sometimes by the minute.

I took a women's studies course in college. One of the papers I wrote was on the "Evolution of the Kitchen" and how the advent of modern day appliances pushed women out of the kitchen into the work force rewarding them with new found independence and double the work as they continued to be responsible for housework and child rearing. 

And as women, as moms, we judge the others and ourselves against some ideal that may not even be important to us if we stopped long enough to ponder it.

Do I really want to make my children's clothes? No. I miss being crafty but the trade off is I'm getting my Masters Degree. 

Are my kids harmed by having to get their own snack? Nope. In fact, it's probably a life skill. 

The best I can, with what I've got, at any given moment.  

The great thing about this mantra? It can change! You can repair! You can forgive yourself for whatever transgression (real or perceived) and move on. It's applicable to others too! 

Who else is struggling with guilt about not feeling like you are doing enough or the "right way"? Leave it in the comments and walk away from it! 

Dear Foster/Adoptive Mom on the First Day Of School

This post is for you. This post doesn't talk about your children as babies or birthing them. The reminiscing of pregnancy will not be found in this post because I know for many of you, you didn't experience that. You've probably never seen a picture of your child before they came to live with you and if you have, it's probably not a baby picture or one that you would display because, when you look at it, you see a child who is scared and sad. It was likely swiped from a Facebook page of someone you've never met and is a window into atrocities that should never happen to any child, anywhere. There is no letter to my child's best friend Lambie or back-up Lambie because my child came with all his worldly possessions in a trash bag.

As back to school time rolls around so does the reminder of how much you've missed out on in your child's life. This might be the 1st time you are enrolling a child in school or it might be your child's 6th school in four years. It's a lot either way. Those other back to school articles, while touching and appropriate for the majority of Moms, leave you on the outside because your child, your experiences are different.  I'm here to tell you, you aren't alone. I'm here. I'm experiencing it too. Those articles, they rub me the wrong way. They make me feel less than. They make me hurt for my child and you probably feel it too. They make me angry that I am the one here and not the parent that brought them into the world and at the same time my breath catches at the thought they could be gone based on the decisions of people who probably haven't met them and certainly don't know that we picked the purple backpack because pink is "for babies".

While other parents might worry about the walk to the bus stop and finding the bathroom, you worry about your child's PTSD.  You worry that they are so behind they won't catch up. You will worry their visit tomorrow will mean they can't handle learning today and will present itself as behavior issues that the school will blame you for and make your job harder. You worry that someone will ask why all of your children have different last names and you won't be prepared with the prefect answer that shuts them down and shows your kid you love them.  You worry that you are sending them off to another school that they won't finish the year at. You worry that this being your 3rd time through grades 1, 2, 3, and 5th you will loose your mind when the animal research project comes home and it's the damn Arctic Turn again.*

I have no idea what it is to be a Mom of "typical kids". It doesn't make the worries of those Moms less valid, it just seems to me that mine are probably more serious at times. I sat and listened at the welcome night as a Mom complained that her child had to walk 2 blocks to the bus. Until last week, my kids were worried they wouldn't have a permanent home. And that's when I get angry about the fact my kids got the short stick and have to fight for so much just to be "typical". 

Back to school for many kids with trauma  is often triggering. And as a trauma parent you might be ready for that nonsense to be O.V.E.R. You may be hanging by a thread and that makes the first day of school a blessing and a curse because with it probably comes a different battle, to get your child the help they need. 

You foster mama- you are not alone. You can do it. Because you said yes when others walked away and said no. And you stay even if it's hard because it's not their fault. You love them and they love you, as much as they can, even if it doesn't feel that way. You are giving them what others couldn't or wouldn't. And that is more valuable the perfect chalkboard captioned pictures and tears at the bus stop. This day starts a new path. A path of hope. A view into how life should look and feel. For both of you because you and them are not less than. You are more. Way way more. And together, you make a difference. 

* (It's a bird, apparently children in my home have never heard of pandas. For once I'd like to research pandas...)

I just searched...

"overwhelmed Mom" on Pinterest. There was a "12 resources" link and I had already tried #s 1-10. 11 and 12 were actually a plug for a headache medication..... and I'm beyond popping some OTC stuff and becoming a new person.

Smiley actually asked me at dinner tonight, "Mom are you sick?".

Because I didn't go to work or because its clear I'm not really speaking to Dad?

OK. I only said the work part.  And I didn't go to work today because I took a day off to do homework.

The highlight of my day? Being able to wear an oversized sweatshirt in July...

Taking a vacation day to listen to lectures where the professor actually yawns while she is talking just sucks....

But when life hands you lemons...go to Starbucks and get a fancy lemonade.

 

Everything Happens for a Reason

We purposely invited family over this weekend for the Holiday so we would get the house in order. We are still trying unpack and get the porches finished. I plan on being outside but those coming haven't seen our new house yet. (They will only see the main floor. I didn't get upstairs yet...) 

So I was doing dishes in the kitchen about 10:30 when Smiley comes running through the room. Literally. 

Smiley? What are you doing? 

She turned. She looked at me and the. She then started to do the pee pee dance. I ushered her into the hall bathroom and she was a few feet from the toilet and just started to pee right there in her pajamas.

I got her on the potty and she still had not said a word. She was soaked. And asleep. She prefers this bathroom for some reason and in her sleep she sleepwalked past the two upstairs.

I'm pretty sure she was still asleep while I bathed her as the pee went everywhere.

I guess there was a reason I hadn't washed the floor in the bathroom yet! 

I Left Town

It wasn't intentional. Maybe a happy accident. But I won't be home for Mother's Day. I'll be across the country. And in essence, Mother's Day won't happen and I'm perfectly okay with that.

I'd rather not be in the vortex of emotions. The guilt and the fear that come with a day soley focused on Moms because my kids have many. And since I'm the safe Mom, I get to do the heavy lifting. I end up aggravated and they feel bad and so it's better. They can have a fun day playing outside with Dad and no one has to focus on Moms. I have ZERO guilt about being elsewhere.

I'll be running 13.1 miles to complete the challenge I gave myself a year and half ago. I started running to control something. It was an outlet. I'll have run a 2nd Disney race, and earn a special medal. I'll be dressed as Wendy Darling for this Tinker Bell themed race. Fitting that I'll be running as the stand in Mom for the lost boys, don't you think?

For nearly 4 hours I'll have nothing but time alone with my thoughts. Time to reflect on all that has happened on my journey to motherhood and all that's headed my way. I also use this time to pray. And I will pray for all of the Moms. The adoptive, biological, foster, aunts, grandmothers, friends and hopeful Moms. I'll say a special prayer for those Moms grieving and those Moms who are walking a hard path. 

Happy Morher's Day.

The Mommy that Hangs the Moon

 I had an early morning meeting with Sarah's team at school to help figure out how to best approach the meltdowns she has been having when frustrated.  Thankfully, her therapist came and gave some really great background and tips for her teachers to use in the classroom.  All of them were willing and ready to do whatever they could to help her. I was pleased to learn that her classroom teacher was familiar with EMDR techniques and has worked with other kids in foster care. It was really great to hear the therapist discuss the progress the kids have made and reflect on the hard work we've been doing. 

Sarah had another rough evening, this time over her resent for Hubby being "not as good" as the presents her siblings made.  This was self imposed and definitely further expression of the grief she is feeling right now.  Earlier this week we had a tantrum that included phrases like:

You don't feel like a forever Mom.
This doesn't feel like a forever home.
I hate you.
You don't want me.

Big scary stuff for my petite little Sarah. Man oh man does she have some sass in her. 

So when Simon asked to read to me I was ready for some quality time.

He picked the book "My Mommy Hung the Moon, a Love Story" by Jamie Lee Curtis & Laura Cornell. I had never read the book. Its a beautifully illustrated story about the Mommy that does all these wonderful things.  It ends with My Mommy is good at everything.

And then I had a moment of insecurity.  Which Mommy was he thinking of when he read it.  Does he think I hang the Moon.  Is it Sheila? Is it both?

It was such a sweet moment the two of us on the floor, that I swallowed down those thoughts and praised him for doing such a good job reading the story.

Then he said, "My Mommy gave us this book."

So there was my answer. He was thinking of Sheila.

I smiled and said, "Well its a really great book.  Thank you for sharing it with me."

Inside, inside I was hurt. And angry.  Not at my sweet Simon.  He should believe his Mommy hangs the moon and can fix anything.  I was mad at Sheila for believing that she hangs the moon and buying the book.  (Yes, yes, books are good. Better than the usual stuff she gets them.) She doesn't chase away the monsters. I do that.  She doesn't make all the food, I do that.  She wouldn't have been able to participate in the meeting this morning because she hasn't bothered to learn about the kids' mental health issues, nor would she acknowledge that she is the cause of some of them. I did that.  She doesn't get to be idealized or get to re-write the history of neglect and the violence and abuse she exposed them to.

Yes she is his mother. He should feel love from her, I want that for him.  But it really irked me because it felt like she was making him choose or trying to re-enforce the idea that she is THE Mommy. I really felt like yelling - if you wanted to be the Mommy who hung the moon, then you should have fixed everything when you had the chance.

But that isn't quite fair.  She doesn't have the tools.  She can't BE that Mommy. And I get that, I really do.  But there are moments when that is a really hard concept for me.  Truth is, I want to be THE Mommy but I'm not either. He has two.
 

Birthday Parties Are Hard

Sarah was invited to a birthday party this past weekend. I RSVPd yes because I'd love to see her make friends but if I'm being honest, I hate going to these things. 

Turns out my kid does too.

1) I don't know the other parents. Sure it would be a good way to meet the other parents but that's only if they are friendly. 

2) We don't really know the kids. It was the majority of her class but she really didn't have a group. There is a little girl who she was paired with the first week as her buddy who happens to share her last name. She tried to get Sarah to join in but Sarah was glued to my side.

3) I had to stay at the party. I have a billion things to get done but I knew this wasn't something I could drop her off for. 

I'm glad I stayed because I practically had to I peel her 8 year old self off my lap. She cried when I told her refusing the glow stick was rude. 

That's a hard thing- trauma parenting to kids' comfort while also teaching them things like manners and commitment.  And then guess what- you have to plaster the smile on your face and appear like you don't hate every minute of being there.

But they opened the door to the inflatable arena and after doing a lap around the options she joined in. She got all sweaty and while I stayed within eye sight she only came to me with her sweaty sweater, to take her to the bathroom and after she conquered the rock wall. Even though it was dark and loud.

(She had no idea Mom knew anything about rock climbing so when I gave her some tips she used them on her next turn to climb higher.)

After the running around part we went into the party room for pizza and cake. The whole thing is chaotic and it makes me anxious. It's got to make her edgy too.

While sitting there another Mom got to talking with me. When she realized I was Sarah's Mom she to me I must know this other little girl in the class. When I have her a completely confused look she reasoned it was because we have the same last name.

Along the lines of:

You know, because all the Hispanic people are related....

Face palm.

I almost wanted to tell her I have four kids with different last names just to see what her reaction was.....

She was well meaning and she didn't know better but sometimes people say some dumb stuff. 

We also had some Wow! You were busy comments.

All in stride now. All in stride.

Sarah might have been terrified of the party but she was brave and went for it anyway. I love that she tries really hard to make the best of the situation. She inspires me. If she can handle the birthday party so can I.

Baby Mine

I love my mother dearly. I am grateful for everything she has done to help us in our journey. She has been my rock many times and has filled in and picked up kids, took them to appointments, and got them organized when I had my hands full with something else. But she isn't always the best person to be my sounding board. She has a very hard time being neutral. And my Mother does not hold back her opinion. Ever. She doesn't do it to be mean or hurtful. I think she's really aiming for honest and open but it often feels judgemental and critical.

Over the years I've learned to consider her statements and then go with my gut even if she thought what I was doing was wrong.

When we first told her we were going to be foster parents she tried to talk us out of it. She relayed a horrific story about a friend of hers. We of course proceeded anyway and tonight she sat surrounded by her grandchildren that she truly adores.

My Mom has heard me cry on a number of occasions about my infertility. She's reassured me that the pain I have felt as I have watched all of my friends have babies didn't make me an awful person. She has listened as I've questioned why it is that mothers who hurt their children can continue to give birth but I can't.

I know she would love on a grand baby and it wouldn't matter her if the child was biologically mine or not. When I told her about Sheila being pregnant she got all excited. Tonight she made several comments about how she thinks we should take the baby. "I would do it."

I know my Mom would help. She's offered to provide the first year of daycare. She's an amazing grandma but at the same time it wouldn't be her doing it. It would be me. And that's when it hit me.

In my heart, I don't think I could be the mother to this child. I wish I could explain how helpless that thought makes me feel. No one likes to admit their limitations. In fact, I pretty much walk around pretending I have a cape on my back. And I came head on with the fact that when I signed up to take these four forever, I shut the door pretty tight on any other children much less an infant. 

I appear to have my act together but most days I feel like I manage by the skin of my teeth. And my kids have a background of trauma. Sure we are doing fine now but we haven't hit puberty yet. How on earth could I have 4 teenagers and a kid in 1st grade?

We just bought a house and have another house we need to find a renter for. I'm in the middle of Grad School and I work full time. And while Hubby is a great Dad his work schedule is unpredictable and it would be up to me to provide consistency for a baby with a schedule.

The therapists encouraged us to make a decision before we were actually asked to take the baby. But it seems like such an awful choice to make. Will a baby topple us? And if we don't open our arms then what happens to this child? This sibling of my kids. Will my kids resent me for turning my back on their brother or sister? Will they resent me for taking on their sibling (because I will be in over my head)? 

And after all of the prayers and tears for a baby how could I be such a hypocrite when there is the possibility of one? Seriously for more than four years I've written about wanting to be a Mom and I turn my back on an innocent baby? But where do we draw the line? What about the next baby?

Now I'm crying because there is a baby? And what about Sheila? Does she even know that her baby is likely to be taken? 

It's so confusing. It seems like it should be a simple choice. But I feel like either way is wrong. 

Shared Children

As a foster/adoptive parent I have to share my children with others.  Others have loved them. Others have known them as well as I do. Others have made decisions about their lives.  As we head into our adoption (legally the case is pending TPR which still has not been scheduled) our therapy team has begun to talk a lot about claiming as part of attachment.  The kids need to claim us as their family and we have to claim them. (They/Us are not objects.  We are talking in an emotional sense.) I spent the past 48 hours "claiming my family as my own".  We took a break together in the midst of all the crazy that will happen in the next month. It was amazing and I feel re-charged and ready to claim our next chapter as we move as a family.

But I'm struggling with something that happened this week and it occurred to me that those reading might have to endure or have endured a similar situation.  I know sometimes just knowing you aren't the only one is helpful. So I decided to share this particular issue.

One of the realities of sharing my children is that often others feel they know best. Bio parents, relatives, former foster parents.  We are all guilty of this, especially me.  I've written an entire blog worth of posts about how I knew what was best for the 8 children in my home over the course of 4 years. Of course we know best, we are the people who love and care for children! Of course we do the best we can, with what we've got, at any particular moment.  We are all praying for the best and try to make sound decisions, but we don't always get it right.  I myself, have been known to fail spectacularly.  Or be proven wrong. But I try my darndest.

Stella and Sarah's former foster Mom reached out this week.  I haven't shared the sordid details but I have shared my thoughts on my interactions with this person. Last year after the girls moved in we had scheduled sleep over visits to continue contact. We firmly believe that kids shouldn't loose people because they move, if those people are safe.   The week of the 2nd visit we were asked to not only extend the amount of time of the visit but also allow the Smiley and Simon to go on the visit.  We had plans and politely declined.  Then less than 24 hours later we received word that they were cancelling the visit and wanted no further contact because they just felt it was too hard on the girls.

I was floored.  Because to me, it seemed like a big old tantrum. I didn't get my way, so I'm going to take my ball and go home. It hurt my kids tremendously.  We were left to try and explain the unexplainable: These people say they love you but they hurt so much they don't want to see you. How do you explain that to kids? How do you explain that to foster kids, who are forced to see people that have hurt them on a weekly basis?

Then a few months later we were contacted and told they were moving out of state and could we let them see the girls to say goodbye? And we agreed because Stella was still struggling with no closure from her loss.  This was the 1st Mom who cared for her in a nurturing way.  We asked that the therapists assist with this goodbye and they did. Stella asked some tough questions like why did they make her move out of their house and why did they have to say goodbye.  We told her the judge was looking for a forever family for all four of the kids and the other family wasn't a forever family for them.  Blaming no contact on an out of state move was the simplest reason.

But as most things, it isn't enough for Miss Stella.  She always pushes her boundaries. Not in a defiant way. Rather, she really wants to understand the parameters she's being given. And even though she know something to be true or not true, she will insist on the opposite in hopes it will become true.  (For instance at least once a day she tells me we are going to Disney World in 2 years.  We have no such trip planned. We have not discussed this in any real way.  But she will tell you, as surely as she would tell you her name, we are going to Disney World in 2 years.) I think in her heart, Stella knows that the reasons she was given for the loss of contact don't really hold up.  And she would be right.  There was no reason that she should have lost contact.  But it wasn't her decision and it wasn't mine.

So this week FFM (Former Foster Mom), reached out through the other former foster Mom.  Apparently she has not moved and would like a second chance to form a relationship with us.  I'm annoyed by the way this information made its way to me.  I'm annoyed she put the other former foster mom in the middle.  I'm annoyed at the message that was shared and I'm annoyed that this woman is occupying any more of my mind.  (I'm also annoyed that the other former foster mom brought it up.  She didn't witness all that took place and she is coming from a view point that this situation is workable.)

My initial thought was what for? Its clear we don't like each other.  She is only doing this for her own heartache.  I totally get that.  I would be devastated if I could not see the Fab Four.  But then again, I worked really hard to ensure that I could see them by building a positive relationship with Maria. I have nothing to gain from a relationship with her.  When I could have used insight into the girls or Sheila's history, she refused to help me.

 But as her Mom, I always need to think about what's best for Stella. This person holds part of her history. This person cares for her, even if I think she had a funny way of showing it.  But the his person also hasn't been consistent in her follow through and she has failed to support Stella in her placement in our home. Right now on the cusp of changing schools and changing goals, we have to say no to this person coming back into her life.

As a foster Mom, this hurts me because it's so unnecessary. It didn't have to be this way. But as Stella's Mom, I have to protector her and I feel this is the right decision. I feel it's one of those decisions that looking back, she might question my motivations because it goes against my nature to be inclusive.

Hey People- Knock It Off

The Mothers of the world have a full plate and I would appreciate it if you could cut them some slack. Quit rolling your eyes at their child's tantrum in the mall.  While its interrupting your pretzel break, she's trying to teach her child by insisting on listening to directions and following through on consequences. 

And the Mom wrangling three kids through the grocery store? It was her first attempt at it and she's going to figure it out before she goes back to work full time.

And the Mom who's kid made a poor decision and broke your stuff? She leads the charge in helping kids and families that have suffered horrendous injustices so maybe you could give her a little goodwill and not added to the battles she has fought for her kids.

And the Mom who lost her cool at daycare when she discovered one of her four cherubs lied and didn't bring work home for a 3rd day in a row- she's trying to prepare for Christmas while also buying a house, working full time, and renewing her foster care license. She could use...well that Mom is me and I could use a glass of wine and a personal assistant.

Motherhood Is Full Of Choices

I've gotten really good at making decisions since becoming a mother.  As much as my world revolves around foster care and parenting kids with trauma, some of what I do just comes with the territory of being a parent. 

For instance, at 1:30am on Sunday I found myself standing in front of my washing machine trying to decide if the Urine/Fecees cycle or the Vomit cycle was more appropriate for the sheets that I had just stuffed into the machine. I went with vomit and hoped for the best.

When I got home tonight I had to decide if my 5 year old was being truthful that their class earned a prize and tomorrow is pajama day. Since she was excitedly telling me before I even got in the house I decided it was true. If it's not she'll look silly in front of her friends. That is what we call natural consequences and I use them often. 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there. My prayer is that you get to enjoy some piece of today. Even a small piece, I hope you feel loved.

We will be keeping it low key since kids from hard places tend to struggle with this day. We also had Smiley's Birthday this week and this was also a move week last year for the kids so this week is a land mine of trauma. 

My sweet Simon especially struggled on his sister's birthday. He really felt forgotten. Sheila did not help as she celebrated the heck out of Smiley's Birthday and didn't do the same for Stella or Simon when they had their birthdays. 

I plan on getting up and running first thing in the AM. I'm still training for the 1/2 marathon in June and I've discovered I actually like exercise and running. It gives me a chance to de-stress and clear my head. I am much better prepared to handle work, kids, Hubby, and school when I get gym time in. I really wish I would have discovered this last year. I think I would have handled the grief better.

Yours?

Serves me right for thinking that thus far, people hadn't really commented on the fact that I'm white and my kids are tan. Always a hot topic in Foster Care and Adoption are the things that people say to families that look different. I imagine this applies to families that are made up of two moms or little people or those with physical disabilities as well. But people really have no idea how to mind their own business.

Often the questions or comments come from a place of genuine curiosity or admiration. People are impressed with a family of four children since large families aren't as common. And my kids are beautiful and have adorable personalities. And because they have had multiple caregivers and attachment issues, they are also very outgoing towards strangers.  So people can't help themselves. 

While at the wholesale club tonight we had our first encounter with a stranger exclaiming, "Are all four your kids?" in front of the kids. Now the Quartet doesn't seem to mind telling people they are in foster care. I've heard them explain in very simple terms that their Mom needs help and they live with us, their foster parents, until she gets better. But it isn't something we publicize or share with strangers.

I watched as Sarah turned to look at me after the well meaning woman asked the question. I smiled and said, "Yep. They are all mine!" The woman replied that they were all so beautiful! Such cute kids.

She's right, they are. They have jet black hair. Sparkling brown eyes. Dimples and smiles that are infectious. It's meant as a compliment. I take it as one. I ignore the idea that she can't believe I could birth such cute kids. Or that I could have four. And I ignore the obvious, that our skin does not match. I simply said thank you and moved on. Because really, who wouldn't be in awe of the Mom in the club store with four children in tow? Sometimes, I amaze myself.

Sunday I had a different experience. The person was being nosey. And I try to forgive that because I am nosey by nature also and I'm sure the comment wasn't meant for me to hear. It reminded me that at times others can be rude about the make up of our family and I hate having those reminders.

I ran a 5K on Sunday in honor of my Grandmother. As I rounded the corner towards the finish line the kids were standing there waiting for me. I waved and they came running towards me to grab my hand and run with me to the finish. 

It was an awesome moment for me as a Mom. They were excited that I was coming and I was proud to be the example of setting a goal and completing it. As we ran past the spectators cheering the runners in their final leg, I heard a woman say to the person next to her, "Is that their Mom? Can't be can she?".

I wanted to go back and say, "As a matter of fact, yes I can. Maybe you mean, biological Mom? But I can assure you I am their Mom in the truest sense of the word. I may have only been their Mom for four months but I show up for them every day and do all the things a Mom is supposed to do."

For a second or two that comment stole my thunder. But then Sarah squeezed my hand and said, "Come on Mom! You can finish!". She held my hand all the way to the finish line. 

I'm sad for families that can't be as unique as mine. We have some pretty spectacular moments...

Ouch

We are in the process of starting therapy. The kids are all undergoing a full blown trauma assessment, complete with questionnaires and activities designed to show their response to stress. Simon and Smiley completed theirs a few weeks ago and now Sarah and Stella are undergoing theirs. 

The assessment is going to take longer for the older girls. They have been slower to open up about their feelings. They are each reacting very differently which means we are going to have the same at home when they start attaching and healing and feeling safe with us. 

To be honest, I'm not really looking forward to that. I know that angst will be directed at us. And a large amount at me because I'm the safe Mom. I'm not the Mom who isn't working her case plan. I'm not the foster Mom who ceased contact. I am the stable Mom. The one who shows up every day. 

As we were waiting for their session to begin Sarah was playing "Guess My Favorite" with Stella. She asked, "Who's my favorite Mom?" Her answer was Sheila. 

For 1/2 a second my feelings were deeply hurt. And then after a proper internal chiding, I was grateful it wasn't the foster mom who asked for no contact. (Who had now requested contact again so I'm sure ill be blogging about that at some point.) And then I felt bad for thinking that as well.

Of course her biological Mom is her favorite Mom. It's her mother. That's why her answer should be. And this beautiful little girl had no idea how little her Mother is doing to get her back. And she is not aware, that after only four months, I love her as if she were my own. That I think of her as my own because the case looks like its heading toward adoption. In her eyes, I'm a poor substitute for the Mother she longs to be with every day. 

Stella, ever the oldest child, said to her "well maybe you need two favorite Moms" in an attempt to spare my feelings. I said nothing and did not react. 

I forget how real this gets. But it was that moment today that I realize how much I do care about these kids. How I think of them as mine. That is how I will advocate for them but also how my heart gets broken. It's scary to be here again. But I survived it before.

Name Calling

LM is spending the week with my Mom. I met them for lunch and while at the salad bar she said, "Mom, what is this?"

I hate to admit it, I got teary eyed. It felt so good to be called Mom. Even over something as silly as a spinach. 

It was never a question for the Fab Four. We were Mom and Dad before they moved in. It was easier to remember than the myriad of care givers they had in foster care. It didn't have any special meaning. It came to mean the same thing as the rest of the world knows it: love, protector.For these kids it's different. The foster mom of the youngest two prefers her name. The other foster parents used Aunt and Uncle.

I hate it! Last night I got called "Miss R". In my own house. Ugh! I'm the Mom in this house. I take care of you every day. I handle all the bodily fluids and bath time and dinner and homework. And since I have a feeling these kids are going to be here at least two years, I'm having a hard time adjusting to being "R" to them for that long.

The kids should be comfortable. I believe that. And I won't force them to call me Mom. (I will refer to Hubby as Dad and secretly hope that they change their minds.) I know often the argument is that "Mom" may have a negative connotation but they really seem to love their Mom and they call her "Mommy". 

I guess I just feel like if I'm doing all the heavy lifting of a Mom, it would be nice to get the credit.

Although yesterday at day care one of the kids called me by the Fab Fours' last name. Hi Mrs. Four! Which was kind of funny to me. These kids all have different last names although one of them is the same as ours! (It's been interesting to be back at day care. The kids who were friends with the Fab Four have been cute. Telling me how much they miss them. The parents not in the know seem puzzled. Like i look familiar but aren't sure why. Everyone else wants to know how I shrunk my kids! LM came with me to pick them up tonight and she told people these kids were her cousins and siblings!)

Today is Brought To You By The Number 4

Two years ago today, I was having what I believe to be, the 2nd worst day I ever had with the Fab Four. JB was being admitted to the mental health hospital and LM had to testify at a pre-trial hearing. 

Today just may go down as one of the best days I ever have as a foster mom. I learned today that all four children will be coming to live with us by the end of the month. The foster mom of the oldest two decided it was in the kids best interest to move them now and not risk a mid-semester move. Her only request was that they get to spend Christmas with their family. 

I recognize the difficulty in making the decision she did. It's a heartbreaking thing to say: these kids need to be together and they are not meant to be mine. I know because I made a similar decision last March. I said the back and forth is insane and we have to do what is right for the kids. 

It was an act of a mother. My prayer today is for that mother. That she can find some comfort knowing she did the best she could for those kids if it wasn't in the cards for her to adopt them. And that she gave our family a really big gift, if it turns out that it is in God's plan for us to adopt them.

We felt it was best for the girls to spend Christmas with them. Coming to our family Christmas would have been overwhelming for everyone.  The next few weeks will be a flurry!

My Mom

I need to brag about my Mom for a moment. Because not only did she drive over an hour to see Gabby's band concert this week,she also exchanged a dress for Maria, and picked Gabby and LM up.

I remember very clearly the week before the kids went to overnight visits for a week my Mom swearing up a storm that there was no way she could ever forgive this woman. She called Maria every name in the book and prayed for her to fail. She  told me she had no idea how I could be in the same room with her. And I told her I needed her to at least talking about that around me because it wasn't helping me move forward.

Now look at her! My Mom is amazing. She shows up for me no matter how crazy my idea. Walk a 5K with 2 new foster kids in the freezing cold? Pick me up at 7 am. Dinner with 6 kids? As long as they are showing the hockey game. Quality time with a woman who speaks a different language? What's the word for good, is all she has to say! 

My village is pretty amazing! 

Happy Mother's Day

This weekend we saw the kids. For the most part they are doing well. Jelly Bean is struggling though. And her Mom is at a loss as to how to handle. When we arrived at their house she said she needed to talk to me. She needed my help.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd reach this place. A place where I am helpful. Not the enemy. Part of her team.

I listened to her talk about how helpless she felt. How she didn't know how to help her daughter. In what was one of the most sincere moments of my life I told her - its really, really hard to be Jelly Bean's Mom. She sat as we modeled how to handle a trantruming JB. Who was confused and angry we had shown up like we said we would. Several things he screamed at me were very telling: why are you still acting like my parent, why don't you just leave my life already, you don't love me.

She's been kicker her mother and her actions are what caused the babysitter to quit (although why a 23 year old with no experience with children was approved as a night time babysitter I'm still not clear about). It got so bad that the police were called to diffuse the situation. But from we're I stand it sounds like Mom is doing a really good job.

At least she reached out. I offered to help and she took us up on it. She called me the same night to see if I could get JB calmed down. She called me again Saturday night too.

Hubby and I finished packing up their room today. A pretty odd choice for Mother's Day but it the first day we've been home.

And in a really random turn the CASA emailed us with some information about a friend of hers and an adoption agency they had worked with. We didn't ask for it and had not heard from her since before the kids left.

For the most part I was ok today. I missed being treated to special tokens and attention today but I was glad that the kids were with their Mom for a change and that I had seen them. Knowing we are welcome in their life is a huge relief.

Happy Mother's Day to all the First Mom's, Last Mom's and all the Mom's in between. Thank you for all the wisdom you have shared with me and for all that you do for your families and children in need.

And Action!

If only it were that simple. The idea that I could make something start or finish by saying so is my dream right now. Instead I'm directing all the drama surrounding me. Well trying to deflect at least....

So after the judge stated that she saw no evidence of the foster parents sabotaging the case Bio Mom goes and tells LM (during the visit) that her foster parents are trying to keep her from her. That we are trying to keep her for ourselves. And then she brought up the trauma therapists alleged statement about "God shouldn't have given her these 4 kids because she doesn't deserve them".

It's exhausting these conversations about the same make believe issue over an over. The kids haven't even spoken to that therapist on 6 months. What does that possibly have anything to do with anything?

How about you take that energy and focus it on your kids? So LM confronts her in family therapy and she tells her she's entitled to her feelings. And then it comes out that its not so much Hubby as it is Foster Mom R. Because Hubby told her how much fun the kids seem to have although we are having some issues he sees some positives.

But Foster Mom R? She only talks about Gabby throwing up and JB raging and wetting and MM's nightmares and detentions and behavior at school.

I. AM. SO. TIRED. T.I.R.E.D of being the punching bag an the fall guy. The kids don't feel safe with their Mom so they take it out on me. Mom doesn't get the full story from the kids and takes it out on me. Instead of trying to figure out why I keep reporting the issues the approach becomes Foster Mom R is making this stuff up. Can't be true.

My evil ways must be the reason the kids punch each other. And I require such little sleep that I must place the nightmares in MM's head so he can wake me up at 2:30am several days a week. And I prefer chaos so I provoke JB to the point of rage and then demand she cry due to the shame.

I mean honestly. The level of ridiculous we just entered is a new proportion. And I get it. It's hard. And because the kids really haven't worked out their fears an built enough trust with their mom things are bound to be rough when the overnights start. And I get that it's hard to see your kids love another Mom. But you don't put that on them.

I also suspect she's laying the groundwork for blame in case this doesn't work out. It's much easier to say I lost my kids because the foster parent stole them. But that's simply not what's going on here. I'm doing my job to advocate for the kids. If she can't see it that's her problem. She can't see that she's only losing trust with her kids by accusing us and that makes me very sad.

And we spent time tonight processing, encouraging, and supporting. And reassuring that we are supporting the goal but if they don't work on it know with their Mom their issues won't be fixed. And that will mean that they won't feel safe on these visits or moving home.

And after all that the thing that brought me to tears was Jelly Bean. After processing. After struggling with her feelings and fear she very earnestly and with tears in her eyes said, "Mommy? Are you ever going to have kids that are yours forever?"

My answer was one I don't often accept from her. "I don't know." "I don't know what God has planned for me. What I do know I'd that I will always have a kid named Jelly bean, MM, Gabby, and LM right here in my heart."

Tired. Very Tired.