Happiest Place on Earth....

Unless you have a sister in foster care who is about to be reunified and will no longer be allowed to live with you.  That's the status of our trip for Simon. Last night he came and found me requesting a hug. About 5 minutes later he came and told me he was really sad. Did I mention we are in Disney World? For the last week? After getting off a Disney cruise? All he should be worrying about is what time the fireworks start and if he can have more cotton candy. Instead, this crappy thing is about to happen in two weeks and it scares the crap out of him. Brings my sweet boy to tears. In Disney World  It broke my heart. I'm trying to focus on the fun and the memories. Trying to memorize all of the fun things and adorableness that is Solana (she literally waves her arms around to every song and shouts "Mimi!!!" When she see Mickey or Minnie. She also learned the words No and yes this week and I swear to God she said "Hello Simon" this morning. I tried to snap some extra pictures of just him and her today and give him a little more time with her. He was sitting next to me when she fell asleep on the Haunted Mansion ride.

I've texted her Dad every day and he recently friended me on Facebook so he has seen all my posts and pictures. He said he missed her but knows that she's having fun and that was all that mattered.

I have to admit though, I cried during the beginning of the Wishes fireworks. There was something about finally being there with my forever children listening to the song "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes" while also holding a snugly baby who calls me "mama" who will never remember living with us or this trip that caused the dam of tears to break. We are having such a fun time but the thought that this time is so finite, is never far away. A Dream and a nightmare.

Meanwhile, people are asking me for the kids' Christmas Lists and I just want to answer that all they want is to keep their baby sister in our home. I have zero desire to celebrate Thanksgiving next week.And feel crabby about having to Christmas shop.

For Good

This evening took place a few weeks ago. I delayed posting so that I could link some things but also because I felt it was too sad for the week leading up to Thanksgiving.

So clearly, I'm in a sad place. I was also PMSing in the last week so I was probably more weepy than I am the rest of the month... Maybe.... I cried at Gabby's musical this week so that probably counts as weepy. Both my Mom and Dad teared up too, so I blame my genetics.

The kids performed several Broadway songs. Singing in the Rain, You Can't Stop the Beat, 76 Trombones. Then they got to a song from Wicked. The intro to the song talked about performing in a Broadway show and it being life changing. I performed in show on Chicago's Broadway when I was a freshman in high school and it did, indeed, change my life.  I had no idea how much the song coming at me was going to hit my heart, or I may have tuned out some of the lyrics.

They performed For Good.



I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/w/wicked-lyrics/for-good-lyrics.html )

I tried so hard to keep it together. I thought I was going to bite through my lip. But as I was sitting across the gym from my sweet Gabby, watching as she sang her little heart out, I just couldn't keep the tears in.

And when this verse came up I was sobbing. I mean full on, fat tears, rolling down my cheeks.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Yeah. Pretty much sums up where we are right now.  The fear of never seeing them again. Knowing how much we've changed each other. Feeling so much love for them. They are my story....

My Mom reached over to grab my hand. Jelly Bean and Little Mama were asking my Dad why I was crying. Then he listened to the words and began to cry. (Let me say that my Dad can get emotional and he used to do it in public quite often.) So the kids thought it was pretty funny. Gabby saw me from across the room.

I stewed for a bit. Stung by how unfair it seemed that the other parents in the room were not wondering if they would ever see their kids again. I only briefly wondered if anyone I knew could see me and then I decided that if they did, I didn't care.  This is hard. Really, really hard. And if someone wants to think less of me - they can go right ahead. Five minutes of our story and I guarantee I'd be getting the "I don't know how you do it, you must be a saint speech". (And these days my response to that is "I'm not sure either, guess we'll find out if I can do it".)

Then they sang Seasons of Love which I wrote a post on here and I thought I was going to need someone to carry me out of there.

 I'm really trying to get out of this funk. To focus on the good. Because there is so much of it. And so much happiness in our home (when the trauma decides to give me a break). And this may well be our last Christmas with the kids and I want it to be special. Full of laughter and wonder. I want the kids to learn from me that you can deal with the bad, turn the stumbling block into a stepping stone, and find the good. Even if the situation appears to suck. Those are the moments that change us for the better. I have to remember that if I'm not there as they journey through life that the lessons I have taught them are there.....for good. 

Love Should Be Multiplied: One Year Later

The original post is one of the most viewed and searched upon posts I have written. It was written one year ago in response to us taking the rest of a sibling set of four kids who were 9 months into their DCFS case for physical abuse. We had less than 4 hours notice before they arrived on out doorstep with garbage bags of belongings (at least they HAD belongings) while my husband and his best friend worked furiously to get the beds set up and my Mom did her best to stop crying in order to keep them occupied.  I had a beautiful post in my head where I was going to hyperlink to that original post and to the post about my Mom's reaction to our announcement we were going down the foster care path - but i just spent the last 30 minutes dealing with Jelly Bean and a monsterous meltdown and to be honest I'm spent. This was the second one of the evening. Hubby said to me when I came home "I'm not sure what is causing it today?". I flippantly responded "it's Wednesday."  Then I heard my statement out loud and remembered the call I got from Gabby this afternoon worried that she had family therapy today.  It's Wednesday. Now I wrote in January how the anniversary of living here a year bothered JB. Gabby and LM were excited. So we bit the bullet and celebrated for their sake. We ordered pizza like last year and got a special dessert. (Long story short-we ended up with 2 cookie pizzas. Hubby wanted to know what we were going to do with the other. My suggestion was bring it to the staffing meeting on Friday. It said Happy Anniversary on it. Hubby actually laughed at my joke. He doesn't often do that it made me feel good. I was only 1/2 kidding though. I wish I could bring it and all the evil people could choke on it...another joke...maybe.) We thanked them for being awesome kids and celebrated how far we have come as a family. Gabby and LM appreciated the gesture. At least for today. Tomorrow (or 5 minutes from Now for JB) could be a different story.

I hit publish and all Hell broke loose

I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted. I hit publish with my final sentence about no issues and BAM I hear Jelly Bean crying hysterically. Full on meltdown mode. So after a few minutes of trying to get her to deep breathe and tap herself back into reality (a technique the therapists have taught us to use with the kids when triggered so they can realize they are in a age environment and not flashing back-think Inception) nothing worked. I opened my arms and she came running into my arms and jumped up onto my hip.

She was sobbing that she wanted to go home. "I miss my real house."

The "real" house was at least 4 houses ago. Which I'm sure she does miss. And I think that's the issue. 4 houses she ha lived in and now Mom has moved again. What was can never be put back. And this constant change of living spaces is really hard for her especially since she's lived here for a year. She had never lived ANYWHERE for a year. EVER.

Apparently the contrast of an annual tradition was too much and she needed to let it out. Jelly Bean and LM had spent the majority of the day together as they were squabbling at bedtime last night and because I could not determine the truth, both got grounded for the day. Apparently LM telling JB she wasn't allowed to play with her toy was too much.

After we got calmed down though the girls did really well. LM apologized to JB for her mean tone an JB let out some feelings. Then they cut up a cardboard box and played Toy Story with MM while Gabby kept at a craft I started her on.

I still made a rookie mistake today thinking this day would be over without Trauma appearing but it left much quicker than it used to.

Now it's 8:30pm. Why do we think the odds are that I can get them to sleep before 9:15?

Rookie Mistakes

Last year we took all four kids to see the Easter bunny like 7 days after they moved in.  I was excited to get them all dressed up and go do this ritual Moms participate in. Man, was I stupid.  The line was an hour long, the girls weren't getting along, there were tears, and when we finally got up to possibly the saddest looking bunny I've ever seen, Mr. Mohawk was terrified and refused to sit on his lap. (Little did I know this would also be his reaction to Mickey Mouse until we bribed him with Ice Cream.)

So this year I'm taking a do-over. We did not make grand plans. The kids went in kid clothing (although despite me telling JB to go put on nice jeans and a nice shirt she came down in an outfit that was  black, grey, and yellow skirt/legging combo and red heeled shoes) and we went to the dinky mall up the street. I did not go with high hopes that this will be a magical memory that they wil look back on for years to come. Nope.  This will just be another year we saw the Easter Bunny because thats what we do in THIS house. The kids were excited. They waited patiently in line.  The giggled and laughed and then took an excellent picture. I also watched as family after family tried to get their crying children to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap.  We bought the picture and then headed to meet hubby for lunch. No issues. No crying. No pointed looks or warnings of time outs to come.

New Year.....

Big deal. Nothing in our world magically changed with the calendar turning over Sunday. Our schedule is still crazy, my kids are still struggling, we are no closer to a clear direction of return home or adoption, new medication has not been approved and JB is still throwing temper tantrums while Gabby is begining to throw on days she has to confront people at therapy and visits with Mom.

Then to top it all off I spent January 1st in the emergency room with abdominal pain. Apparently I M so stressed my bowel has decided to spasm. Yeah! He bright side? Closer to meeting our out of pocket and deductible.

Not that I want to start the year as a grump. Perhaps next week I'll be able to write about my hopes and dreams for the new year. Or about the awesome party we went to as a family.

I also want to spend some blog time discussing the interesting feelings the kids have had about their Mom and her actions. This includes her telling them we aren't their "real" family which LM was outraged by. And Gabby confiding that she wants to tell the judge she no longer wants to work towards the goal of going home.

For now I'm going to go to bed and hope no one throws up tomorrow and I can get some good sleep.

We made it....

Through Christmas. With no major tantrums or meltdowns. Through THREE DAYS of celebrations. To be honest it was the adults in my life I wanted to put in time out. Can I just say how much I love my mother? After all the support she gave me in the last month she spoiled these kids and THEN had them sleep over so my Hubby and I could have a night to ourselves. We opted for a movie at the theater and then another DVD at home.

I was surprised the kids didn't get sad about thier Mom. We had talked about it before And had given them the green light so to speak to let us know if they were feeling sad. Maybe it was distraction or maybe we will pay for it later but the kids and us had 4 days off from reality where we were this happy, adjusted family enjoying quality time together. We had lots of talk about "next year" and tradition from the kids. I hope we fulfilled thier wish of the best Christmas ever because it sure was mine (well second anyway to the Christmas my husband proposed on 7 years ago).

It's hard to go forward not knowing what the next few months will bring or take away. From us AND from them. But tonight my prayer will be one of thanksgiving. And wisdom - as I have no idea where we are going to store all of these gifts!

Tricky Treat

Jelly Bean did her best to self sabotage Halloween. She tantrumed for the first time on Sunday since starting her new mood disorder medication. All day long she was in trouble. It's so sad that this kid has been so hurt that she tries to make sure nothing good comes her way. In the end we recovered and we went about the festivities.

She was a pirate which fit her very well. Little Mama was a pink kitty cat, Gabby a witch with a pink boa adorned hat, and mr. Mohawk was an Angry Bird. His costume matched mine. The dog was his usual pumpkin which is absolutely adorable. My Mom and I scooped up the kids from daycare (and my little guy was sad since we missed the parade but seriously? They are in day care because we work. Just because it's Halloween doesn't mean it's a half day for me.) and headed to Hubby's office for some cynical trick or treating. The place was a ghost town so it didn't take long. We got home took a few pictures and headed out.

Constant reminders of say please and thank you and help your brother and less than an hour later the kids were ready to pack it in. Then they dumped their haul on the table. Sorted out things they can't have like gum and things they didn't want. They traded and contributed to Mom and Dad's pity pile :)

It was awesome fun. No melt downs. Lots of smiles. No one in trouble. A good day. And I feel ready to handle more of the same. But tonight I'll be snapped back into reality when the therapists arrive and the kids go to family therapy tomorrow.