Returned Home

Monday was hard. Probably the hardest Monday I've ever had. Like ever. In my life.  I was trying to remember the last time I felt so emotionally drained and I can only come up with the night my Grandmother passed away and I spent all night awake, sobbing.  Which was pretty much what I did after Solana left with Caseworker #4. 

We played and snuggled in the 30 minutes we had between the Licensing Worker and CW#4 showing up. I wrapped her in her blanket whispered I love you and I'll see you Friday and handed her over.  I sobbed behind the window as I watched the car pull away. 

I sent Hubby a text that she was gone and then I called my Mom.  She offered to bring me lunch and said she'd be over in a few hours.  I tried to get some work done and when I couldn't see through the tears decided a cat nap was necessary. I ended up asleep by 9PM, after video chatting with the dancing queen.

Here we are almost at Friday and I have to say I'm fine. Re-charged even.  I woke up Tuesday to a really sweet message from my BFF and decided that my next role as advocate was equally important. I went to a meeting with a local Child Advocacy Center to see how my company could partner to volunteer and spoke about our situation with, dare I say, poise, and enthusiasm. Because you know what? I can't come up with a single reason not to share our situation with EVERYONE involved in the system.  I want to point and shout and say see, SEE what happens when adults act like adults and the kids come first? From Bio Dad to Foster Parents, to Caseworker, to the Judge. This is what a team approach is. And it CAN work.  It doesn't have to be broken. 

I told CW#4 that this, their 1st case, will be the best case they ever have. After all, I have been a foster parent for 6 years and have watched a lot of horrific stuff.

The kids are doing good.  They have all commented that they like talking to her each night and agree that it doesn't feel any different being "official".  They like having her here on weekends and while at first they were angry, its now okay.  We've not seen too much acting out behavior and I think what we are seeing isn't related to Solana going home.  We do have some family bonding time scheduled this weekend for our family tradition of watching the Superbowl and a few family trips scheduled in March. Hubby and I also have a trip planned just the two of us in May and I'm counting down the days to that one!

I am still planning on going to the next court date. They don't have to let me in, but given my support of Bio Dad its not likely anyone will kick me out. Sheila is back in town and has requested visitation so we will see how that shakes out.

Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and positive energy these past few months. Our family appreciates them.

As It Unfolds

So after receiving one of the most passive aggressive texts, ever, I found out we will be meeting all four kids this weekend.

And the more I think about it, the more I feel like the kids should be together on the holidays. Sure we are strangers but isn't that better than not being with your siblings? I'm really torn on this. I would be pretty ticked if I were the every day care giver but if there is anything I learned this past year it is- it isn't about me. It's about the kids. And if they could be together with their potential forever family wouldn't that be best case scenario?

It will be interesting to see how this all unfolds. I didn't take the bait of the passive aggressive text. I sent a cheerful reply as I am determined to rise above. It come from a place of grief and the unknown. I get that. But it irked me anyway. Luckily, I have experience with passive aggressive personalities. I'm going to plaster on the smile and kill them with kindness. 

Repeat after me: It's about the kids.

Gems from the "Team Meeting"

- Mom needed to be told that she needs to monitor TV watching. Apparently letting her child with sexual abuse history watch a show that depicted rape and dismemberment of a young girl didn't register that it might not be ok because after all "Well she turned on the tv and chose the program." We'll just overlook the fact that the kid had nightmares and wouldn't pee at school. Mom's been told now she needs to monitor television.

- The bio dad with no legal standing and a history of violence against Mom popping up at visits is "a situation being monitored". Yes let's monitor that.

- Selling food out of your home and customers showing up during visits and inviting them in is totally ok. We'll just ignore the fear the kids have and pretend to be shocked when something goes wrong.

- Unsupervised Wednesdays can't begin because the visit supervisor helps LM with her homework while Mom takes the other 3 elsewhere in the library. Wednesdays are going fantastic though. No problems reported. Really? Because I would think the fact that one child isn't anywhere near her Mother during these visits is an issue.

I kept my lips zipped for the most part. I let the therapist raise her concerns. No one listened to her of course because they just want to get the kids home and heeding the advice of the therapist or concerning themselves with the stress the foster parents have to handle will just slow them down.

Visits will be moved to Mom's new apartment in the coming weeks with unsupervised 5 hours with pop ins.

Also we will begin prepping Jelly Bean to testify against the foster parent who abused her.

Good times....

Minimum Parenting Standards

Rebecca – I am sorry if you feel “attacked” in any way. That isn’t my intention and I don’t believe the intention of your comment to be negative and I wish I would have been able to see your response. Learning that you are an attorney does give me an insight as to why you responded as you did. I agree with the comments that it is fantastic that you are trying to learn about the different sides of the triad. In fact, I wish Mom’s attorney could meet the children. I think it would give her some insight into how better serve her client. I’d like to invite you to be a guest post if you are up for it. Please email me if this is something you are interested in or if you’d like to respond privately and not on the blog.
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A great point was made about the difference between the legal requirements and actually living them out. Much work needs to be done to bridge that gap. I’m not saying that biological parents shouldn’t be given chances or that parental rights shouldn’t be fiercely protected but it shouldn’t be at the cost of children’s mental health because it perpetuates a cycle of trauma and in the end it doesn’t protect the kids (which is the idea in the first place). Especially, when time is dragged out and then the children are too old or have too many issue to be adopted and get the help they need. (The families that would adopt four, Hispanic children, with a history of sexual abuse, mental health hospitalization, and probable RAD ages 12, 8, 10, 5 is a very small number. And the foster homes that can parent them therapeutically are just as small. It took 5 other families before us.) Right now in this case, Mother’s rights trump the kid’s right to healing and that doesn’t sit right with me. Of course it is subjective and very, very complicated and there are more factors and details than I can blog about.

We actually did an exercise for the team where we identified specific issues that we felt needed to be addressed in order for Mom to parent full time. The “Good Enough” rule was applied to the minimum parenting standards. In our state the definition of those standards are:
Minimum Parenting Standards - Adequately fed, clothed appropriately for weather conditions, provided with adequate shelter, protected from physical, mental and emotional harm and provided with necessary medical care and education as required by law.

Someone who has not lived in our home wouldn’t necessarily understand why the mental and emotional piece is so important. We have 4 fun, bright, excited children on the outside with deep rooted sexual, physical and emotional trauma on the inside. If you have not lived with traumatized children I think it is very hard to understand the importance of keeping structure and equality. We also have a Mom who is traumatized and not emotionally healthy who has a ton more work to do to protect herself from emotional harm.

Truthfully, if I were on the other side of the table from me – an educated, very direct, passionate personality who wants to adopt – I’d doubt what I had to say too. I’d be thinking - this woman just wants these kids to be hers and she has no issue picking on Mom or making a bigger deal out of these “emotional” issues. Until I saw the video of Jelly Bean raging and then I’d listen to what that person was saying because any person who could go with days of that kind of thing would impress me.

I thought I’d share an excerpt of what we as the foster parents presented to the team. I love seeing how other bloggers present things to professionals and perhaps this will be helpful to others who may have to consider the same type of question. If the kids could handle moving I would have left out adequate shelter but they can’t and they have trauma surrounding it and it is something Mom does a lot. (In fact I learned this week that she is moving in with a sibling of hers. I have no idea if he is in the same town as us still or if she is moving 45 minutes away again.)

It was a hard exercise because we did have to step back and say not how we would do it – how this standard applies. I have to give Hubby some credit as he did a large chunk of the editing back from being critical and comparing to how we run our home.

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Concern is primarily around adequate shelter and protected from physical, mental and emotional harm.

Mom needs to understand that it will take lots of time and consistency for the children to believe she has truly learned what she has done is wrong. They also don’t feel that she has apologized for her prior acts. It is with this in mind that the following need to be met in order for parenting will be effective:

· Apologize for her actions

· Stop trying to excuse her actions…the kids feel that she really isn’t sorry for what she does.

· Understand that any physical action on her part (even a hand motion) will be triggering to her children

· Be consistent with discipline

· Meet the children at their level – not at where she thinks and/or wants them to be

· Connect and bond with the children in other ways beyond food and gifts

· Respond appropriately to the children’s anger – so as not to make it all about her



From a parent’s perspective, Mom will have to learn to put aside her own fears in order to advocate for her children. She will need to learn to work with others even if she does not feel they are supportive of her. She will need to learn to put her own issues aside so that her children can get the support they need.

1. Provide Adequate Shelter

The children need stability in a home. Mom has lived in several different homes in the past 15 months. Moving every few months will worsen their feelings of instability and concern over if their Mother can provide for them. Her current home is very concerning to the children, especially Little Mama. Little Mama stated that there were other people sharing the home. The children will need to be in a home without roommates in order to feel safe. It will also be important that if a move to a new home is necessary that the children attend the same school. Jelly Bean receives a great deal of emotional support at school and remaining in the same environment is important to her mental health.

2. Equal Parenting

The children do not feel that Mom is equal in her love, affection, or attention to them. She will need to find ways to connect with each of them while also maintaining a balance within the group. This is challenging with the age gap between Mr. Mohawk and Jelly Bean, Jelly Bean’s mental health needs, and Gabby no longer wanting to participate in the goal to reunite the family.

- Little Mama: When Little Mama feels that she is not treated fairly she will either become physically aggressive towards the offending sibling or emotionally “shut down.” Mom needs to learn how to prevent this from happening and diffuse the resentment created.

- Gabby: When Gabby feels she is not being treated fairly she will remove herself from the situation. Mom needs to learn how to show Gabby the attention she needs. Not being able to do this then causes Gabby’s anxiety around not being loved to increase and she begins vomiting.

- Jelly Bean: When Jelly Bean feels that she is not treated fairly it often results in at least a 10 min tantrum which can escalate into a full blown rage. Mom needs to learn how to appropriately handle these fits from Jelly Bean. At this point in time, Jelly Bean is too fearful of her Mother to allow her any physical contact if she perceived Mom to be angry.

- Mr. Mohawk: When Mr. Mohawk feels he is not being treated fairly he will strike, steal, whine, or cry until he gets his way. Mom will need to learn how to say no and stay consistent in her decision despite the crying, whining, and aggression Mr. Mohawk may show.

3. Establish Appropriate and Consistent Parental Boundaries

The role of parent and child needs to be maintained.

- Little Mama: Little Mama was a very parentified child when she came into care. Recently, she has reverted to this behavior as it gives her a sense of control. Mom will need to make sure that she does not pass her responsibility on to Little Mama as the oldest. Little Mama mothering her siblings creates a lot of tension and often ends in aggression between the children.

-Gabby: Gabby is very opinionated and very fair. She will be the first to tell the parental figures about what is going wrong. She will do this for almost every situation which is detrimental to the family dynamic as she will be deemed a “tattler.” Mom will need to prove to Gabby that she has a hold of the situation and that she does not need this “help” from Gabby. She was also need to be careful not to push Gabby away as she is very sensitive.

- Jelly Bean: Jelly Bean’s perception of the current situation is that her Mom won’t change. She still reports being fearful that her Mom will continue to hit her. Mom will need to work to be able to establish a parent child relationship in which Jelly Bean feels she can ask her Mom a simple question without her Mom becoming angered and hitting her.

- Mr. Mohawk: Mr. Mohawk needs to be disciplined consistently each and every time he is in trouble, even for small reasons. Mom will need to establish her place as a figure of authority.

4. Establish Trust

The children do not trust Mom’s word. They feel her actions don’t support what she is telling them. Mom will need to pass this test over and over again in order to earn back the trust of her children. The children also need to trust that Mom will take care of them and make them the priority in her life. Little Mama, Gabby and Jelly Bean have all stated that they don’t feel that they are their Mother’s priority. In order to build this trust she will need to:

· Focus on their needs at visits

o The children report Mom focusing on visit supervisors over them

· Make them feel she cares about their needs and wants

· Understand the trauma they have experienced

· Acknowledge and understand the experience the children have had since coming into foster care

o The children feel that Mom does not want them to like their foster family and they purposefully avoids the topic of what goes on in their daily lives because of this.

o Understand the fear that multiple placements has created

· Address the children’s fear regarding the men she has brought into their lives

o The children believe that Mom will still associate with people that hurt them

Team Meeting #3

So here we are 3 months of "team meetings" and still discussing Moms ability to work with the girls' trauma therapist. LM told Mom at family therapy last night that she doesn't want to live with her because she doesn't trust her but that she trusts the trauma therapist and once again Mom brought up the fictional statement to the girls. This woman is not doing herself any favors. This just served to make the kids trust her less.

So now trauma therapist and Mom are goon to have a family session. Without the kids. And then a session with the girls.

I kid you not. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Wait... It gets better.

Family therapists says to trauma therapist - is it ok if I tell the kids this is going to happen.

Where is the duct tape when you need it? Seriously someone has got to tape her mouth shut.

No you moron. You do not tell the kids. Did you not hear what everyone said about a need to keep certain information to the adults only and the kids on a need to know basis? Why on Earth would they need to know that possibly in 4 weeks that they are going to have a session with the trauma therapist? And what happens when Mom refuses? What are you going to tell the kids then?

A bunch of other really ridiculous stuff happened. Like the gem from Moms attorney implying that someone must have told the kids it was Moms fault trauma therapist was leaving the case. Umm no. 1) Mom told them this information without the trauma therapist even knowing her exit was being discussed 2) the kids see their Mom as all powerful - most victims view their abusers this way 3) they are painfully aware that their Mom does not like trauma therapist. It's not a hard leap for them to think this was Mom's doing. Can we give the almost 12 year old and 10 year old a little credit?