Moving On

We moved the kids things today. We still have a ton of stuff but got most of the clothes they have been wearing, the majority of their toys and took it to their Mom's apartment.

It was good to see them. They seemed happy and I didn't feel sad at all. MM was a little confused because he asked if we were taking him home. I explained again that this was now his home. I'm still not sure he fully understands.

The kids' rooms were very cluttered and really messy. So instead of dumping their stuff we stayed and helped organize. Mom seemed to appreciate it and I think it showed we were willing to help. To thank is she ordered tacos from the Aunt next door and fed us lunch.

When we left we offered to help if she needed us. So she actually asked us to take a payment to the phone store. I started to say no but then I softened. I know what it's like to have to run errands with 4 kids and she isn't supposed to be driving them so we said yes. It showed I was really willing to help and that she trusted me enough to give me the money.

Maybe this can work out. My prayer tonight is that she will establish more authority with the kids because they still seemed to be walking all over her- which made me kind of mad. I raised them better than that.

Goodbye

There is something about motherhood that gives you a newfound strength. The strength to care for sick children at 3 AM. The strength to soothe the worst of tantrums. The strength to encourage and reassure even when you are scared as well.

I've summoned up that strength countless times over the last 27 months. I've led the way through some very big feelings, scary situations, and lots of ailments. (4 kids=a lot of 3 Am nights.)

And I did it today as I kept it together fairly well. And as I looked into their tear-filled eyes I reassured them that this so what we worked toward. All the time the promise was our house or Mom's house. With a smile I told them it was all going to be ok and that I loved them. And I thanked them for letting me be their Mom.

I don't know where it came from, motherhood is my only explanation, but somehow I managed to quell the fear, the sadness, and hurt within my heart long enough to reassure my kids that their departure was a good thing.

Hubby and I cried together when the door closed. Instantly, the house was quiet. I know it will be ok but it's going to hurt for a while.

Both of us feel like some of our purpose is gone. We don't know anything but parenthood since we were launched into it 2 years ago. We've decided to take a break and figure out what our next steps are to building our family.

I'll write more about our last few days soon. I have to finish packing up their things so we can bring them this weekend. But first I'm going to sleep. Because now its 9:30pm a much more acceptable bedtime than the 6:30pm of when I really wanted to go to bed.

So Other Than That Mrs. Lincoln, How Was The Rest Of The Play?

A friend of mine used this line on me today and it made me chuckle. Because what can you really say to a person who's just shared with you the news that their kids of 27 months are not forever and are leaving tomorrow?

It's a short list.

There was the "what an amazing act of:love, courage, selflessness."

A whole bunch of: "you've shown them:family, love, peace."

A bazillion "I can only imagine how tough/this feels/how heartbroken.

And a few - No I can't, imagines. I have no words.

Yeah? Me neither.

Because how do you explain loving someone else's child? Protecting them. Fighting for them. And then letting them go?

I know I have them a ton. They gave me a ton back. That doesn't change the fact that this hurts. That as quickly as I became a Mom to four kids- they will walk out my door tomorrow. And I will have no say. No responsibility and no right to know anything about them.

Saying Goodbye

We took the kids out for pizza last night and arranged for friends and family to meet us there. I believe it's one of the best pizza places ever which is why I would drive 45 minutes to get there.

More than that, this place has meaning to our family. Every birthday, milestone, and even sad days (like the day we viewed my Grandma at the funeral home) has been spent at this pizza joint. A good chunk of my childhood resides in that building.

And as I stood in the tiny dine in room with the 18 of us who were there last night and I watched my kids and family say goodbye to each other, all I could think was: What have I done? How could I cause all of these people so much pain?

The odd part is Hubby had the same thought and voiced it when we got home. I said that I bet if we asked them they would tell us that getting to participate in the kid's lives out weighed the pain now- he remained skeptical.

We both laid in our bed and cried. Discussed our worries for the kids. Recalled funny things from the last two years and tried to ignore than in a few short days this house will be empty of the additional love that filled it.

We are building the list of things to look forward to: no more lock on the TV, privacy, less laundry, lower bills, sleeping in on Saturdays, no need to rush home after work, middle of the week nights out.

It's a small list but its somewhere to start. Because I'm at a loss about how to fix this heartbreak. It's been a long time since I chose something that broke my heart. And I feel utterly responsible for it.

Final Four

So the hearing got scheduled with a different judge for tomorrow afternoon. 90% sure the kids are moving Friday.

They came home mostly good. Although its bedtime and I still hear several children awake.

Jelly Bean tried to complain about her Mom's lack of refereeing. We started to break the news about moving home "really soon". Gabby tried to make an argument for finishing out the school year. She's the only one who cried.

LM hugged and hugged us when she got home. MM didn't seem to be affected by any of it.

We managed to explain all of this in a upbeat way. We had the conversation in the car which worked well. Gabby's final request was that she know as soon as possible and we assured her that we would tell her the date as soon as it was final.

It went better than I expected. Hopefully, that will continue to be the case.

Now I've got a massive headache and I'm crying again. I think it's time to take a pain pill of some kind and go to sleep. Somehow I've got to pack 4 kids up in the next 3 days and get my butt to work....

Notice

So of course we got no action from our email. So I sent another. In it, I officially gave our notice. I knew that would get the reaction I wanted. The kids would be moved home. No one wants to see them go to another foster home. The judge will have almost no choice but to return custody. We hit our limit of what we were willing to accept and being the doormat was no longer the option.

I also tried to get it across to the caseworker that had she included us in the decision making, especially the decisions that directly affected our lives, we would have been willing participants. So because they went back to the original plan, we were going back to the original plan. But of course this week and next major players in the case are on vacation. Which led a very panicked CASA worker to call Wednesday. Because the date we gave is before we'll be able to get back into court. She assured me the caseworker was doing her job- and better than most to accommodate our request. Then she asked us to consider a different date.

LISTEN UP PEOPLE: This was not a request.


You didn't take me seriously when I said we weren't going to be treated like the hired help. This is our life. We get a choice. And while I have done everything to get you to understand our perspective, while also doing what was right for the kids, you didn't listen and didn't understand that I wasn't kidding.

So then the caseworker called (after I told CASA that I appreciated her concern the issue was DCFS and they should have called, seriously maybe 20 minutes later I got the call). Again she started with the request non-sense. And I just talked right over her. Reminded her that we've had this conversation over and over in the past two years and I was done.

I know not dragging the kids back and forth is the right thing for the kids. I feel peaceful about it and even more resolved in forcing the case in a direction. A text from Gabby on Thursday confirmed that they are just fine. They need to keep going. Do I believe long term they will be just fine? No. But only time can give us that answer.
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We'll give them one more week. Then take a break to work on us.

Am I Supposed to Fall Apart?

So we sent the email. Late Friday Caseworker let me know that the department doesn't have the ability to return custody- the judge didn't grant it.

I knew that. So I responded that I looked forwarded to learning what date the motion hearing was granted for. I'll call Mom's attorney if I have to. I'm determined like that. :)

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Everyone keeps asking how I'm doing. How I'm holding up.

Honestly, I'm fine. I didn't cry. I believe that I've done everything I could have. I gave them my all and I can let go knowing that. That gives me peace.

While I am sure I will grieve. I'm sure that I am now... The world will not stop around me. I have a choice. I can set the goal at 1) doing what I set out to do: keep them safe, fight for their permanency, build a family or 2) this being my forever family.

I accomplished Goal 1. I have no say in Goal 2.

Do I miss them? Of course! They are everywhere. Stories at dinner. Songs in the radio. I'm taking a trip to Iowa for a family wedding. We got the call for Jelly Bean and MM on the way to the bride's father's funeral. This has truly come full circle. Beginning and End. The lesson- life goes on. I find beauty in that.

I have long subscribed to "what is meant to be, will be". Perhaps it's a lifetime of setting out in one direction and ending up in a different forest. Perhaps it is the experience of being chronically ill and learning to find a "new normal". Maybe it was the entire foster parenting escapade. Thrust into motherhood (and not just motherhood but trauma mamahood!) and learning to figure it out. Not being Mom to these 4 kids everyday will be more of the same - figuring it out.

And also perhaps because I believe I received the sign I was looking for. I can't remember if I mentioned in my blog my reading with a medium on New Years' Eve.

Believer/ Non-Believer- To each their own, I believe. If I believe in God and Angels why wouldn't I believe in people who can connect me to Heaven?

Anyway, this lady discussed the case with me. She gave great advice- prepare for life without them, rejoice when they come back to you. But she cautioned that my life would be radically different. After discussing that my guardian angel was talking about protecting a little girl - the medium said, I see you with a little girl.

On the very night I prayed for guidance about all of this- I received a call at 2:30AM about an emergency placement; a 14 month old baby girl. Of course the call was made in error But I'm viewing it as a sign that there are other kids that need my help and perhaps the reminder about what the medium said.

No doubt this will get harder, but right now I'm good. Good. I slept we'll. I'm curled up in the back seat of my parents car reminiscing about the countless road trips we took to see family. Thankful for the time to reflect. Thankful that both my parents are here to share this. Thankful that in a few hours I will see and hear my grandma in her sisters and perhaps. And since its my Italian side - get as many hugs as I want!

Tears

So Hubby and I sat down to put together a transition plan of overnight visits for the kids - you know if you want something done, you need to do it yourself? If the team and the judge sign off and the visits go well it looks like they will return home on April 6. Just a week shy of us being a family for 2 years and a few months short of the kids being in care for 3. Since DCFS will follow them for a while it will be 3 years of the case being open.

So there I was yesterday bragging about our communication skills an then here we were tonight getting aggravated with each other. Emotionally charged topics tend to do that. I started to cry and then I noticed Hubby was also wiping away tears. It's hard to pick the day you lose your kids. I decided I don't want to be the one to take them to their Mom's for good. I want their case worker to come and pick them up. I don't want to leave them. And we will probably take that Friday before off of work and go do something fun.

I feel crushed. And it didn't help that Jelly Bean claimed a headache and stomach ache at school then have me the excuse in the car when I challenged the validity of the illness that seemingly came and went that she "wanted to make sure I spend enough time with you before I leave."

My Post Didn't Publish...

So I wrote this great post about the conversation Hubby and I had over the weekend, and somehow it got lost...

We arrived at the decision that we just need information in order to decide if we can do this. If they can't give us the information then WE will give them the date.

So I drafted an email expressing that it was clear the communication issues weren't taken seriously. In light of that and the behavior we are dealing with and the lack of plan I needed the dates for the transition by the end of the week so that we can decide if we can continue "to be advocates for the children and remain a healing environment". I expressed that without the support of the system I wasn't sure we could continue.

Yeah. The possible disruption of the 2 year foster home got some attention. The new supervisor of the caseworker called to "talk about the case". We set a meeting for tomorrow morning because she wanted to make sure "you have enough time". Then the CASA worker emailed. First a "it'll get better" email. Then she asked to set up a meeting to "hear our concerns". She has only met with us once and only the day she met the kids.

I meant my email. I need the information because I can't live like this and neither should the kids and I need to decide if I'm going to stick around for the matinee performance of the circus. Luckily, the kids therapists witnessed firsthand as one was greatest with wailing of a trantruming child while walking up to our door. And the others directions were completely ignored.

We'll see what everyone has to say. In any event, we out going out in the city this weekend and are even going to spend the night so no one has to drive home. I got a new little black dress (well a black dress anyway) with a sassy red and rhinestone belt and a hair appointment.

If you don't feel good you can look good. That's my motto.

Broken Glass

I lost it today. We came home last night to a broken mirror while the babysitter was here and tonight I had a shattered piggy bank that was a Christmas gift.

Now I know they were accidental. No one threw anything but seeing the broken pieces of the pig caused me to loose my sh*t. I unraveled. In a big way. And after my meltdown there was processing. And honesty about the fact that this is it. They either speak up and fix the issues with their Mom and do so by being honest and real or they go home and there are still major issues.

I took a major time out. Then I made dinner and made it movie night so we were all together. I think one of their big things is they feel I haven't spent enough time with them because they have spent so much time with their Mom and I worked late a few nights this week.

We watched Singing in the Rain and Mm kept asking if they were going to sing the song but did so by actually singing the lyrics. An then I sent them to bed and the girls managed to fight and try to engage me in policing it.

I didn't. I calmly said that I had sent them to bed and it did not involve breaking up a fight over jewelry an that the jewelry should have been ignored and if they wanted to continue to tattle to me about the jewelry I was going to make the jewelry unavailable for discussion. (The way this happened though was JB coming downstairs asking for a notebook to journal her feelings in. Ooh Mr. Masked Motive how I've missed your wiley ways.)

Then Gabby came down asking for a second hug complaining about her hand. And then told me she slept a good chunk during her 5 hour visit today which explained why she was wide awake at 10:30pm.

I'm hoping that school starting back up next week will lessen the craziness we have. In reading the comments in the last post, I realized that I do need a date and a plan presented to me or I will be giving them one. Hubby and I just need to get on the same page about what that date would be.

Sadly, the "if" they go home has been replaced with "when" they go home. And it breaks my heart a little each time I say it. Like the shards of the Piggy Bank. But with anything hard, the more you repeat it, the easier it becomes. Or it least I'm trying to convince myself of that. And then I whisper to my heart the same thing I whispered to LM the first night she lived here: "It will be, ok." And I wish that I could have as much strength and resolve in that, when I say it to myself, as I did when I said it to her. It hard to feel resolute when tears are streaming down your face.