It is a process

It's a physical ache. A pain in the middle of my chest.  And it causes hot tears, the kind that sting my eyes.  It settled over me today and I couldn't shake it.

It started with news that more people in our lives are expecting and today, I just couldn't muster the happiness.  I heard complaints of not feeling well and my ability to plaster the smile on my face just vanished from my body. I left the house to "run an errand" but really I just needed an escape.

All week I've been able to communicate and tell people about Solana leaving without any trouble.  I probably sounded like a PSA for "How to be the role model foster parent".

People were asking:

So will you get to adopt the little one? Is she staying?

Well no, actually.  She is going home in a few weeks. That's the goal of foster care. We are really happy for her dad. He really gets it. We've built a relationship. I'm so glad she doesn't have to go through the pain of adoption or languishing in foster care. 

Isn't it hard?

Well it is. And of course the kids are taking it pretty hard but we have more support this time around and we have a better understanding of what to expect.

I don't know how you do it! God Bless you. I raised __   kids and they were my own!

Well my kids are my own.

I bopped along same busy Foster Mom R. Smoothing everything over. Happy for everyone.

And then BAM.

More people who you have to be excited for are expecting and your baby is going home. And all the feelings about infertility, and failings as a mom, and frustration with the system, and loss, deep, deep loss hit me.  And I'm feeling the memory of sitting in another baby shower, smiling and pretending that everything was fine, when nothing was fine - and I just couldn't hold it back any longer.

And then tonight she just wouldn't go to sleep.  She's been doing this all week. Screaming at bedtime. The same primal scream she uses at daycare when I drop her off.  And without fail the teacher murmurs - "I know, Mommy is best. Mommy will be back. Mommy always comes back."

Except I don't. And she knows it. She knows her weeks aren't the same. She knows she's been disappearing and staying somewhere else. And I have all this guilt and the real mind f*ck of it is -

I DIDN'T CAUSE ANY OF IT.

I didn't do this. Her mother did. The same mother who called in sick to her visit last week.

CALLED IN SICK. She gets 4 hours a week and she opted out.

W.T.F!? Parents don't get sick days. In fact my work "sick days" are typically used when my kids are sick. My ass was at a 7:30 AM meeting to discuss potential support services for a child she neglected - but she wasn't feeling well so she went ahead and cancelled?

I must have missed where that was an option when I signed up for the things I'd have to do as a parent.  Must have been under the check box of catch puke in your hands, clean poop off of hand towels, argue about why "we won't be going to Starbucks at 9:15 PM on a Sunday".

And YO! It's the Christmas Season! The month where everyone you haven't seen for like the past 10 months decides you need to be at their function for festiveness. And your kids have several layers of trauma and some teacher decided that the Elf on the Shelf was great fun and now your child won't shut up about it. She only wants an Elf on the Shelf or an iPad. Heads up child - you must be on the "fantasy list" because neither one of those things are going to happen. You will be lucky if Mom gets the darn tree up. And I'm not so secretly excited for next year when we can stop this whole "Santa" thing because I don't agree with your father that Santa gifts should be wrapped and I just spent a small fortune taking you on a flipping cruise.

So clearly, I'm just a tad bit out of sorts and not very "foster care positive" on this night before Solana's next overnight visit.

So I did some self care.

1) I shared with all of you.  We aren't alone. I know that. I appreciate everyone of you who take the time to read, comment, and like my Facebook posts.
2) I bought some LuLaRoe today and I ordered a fun petticoat for underneath it for one of the obligatory parties I mentioned above.
3) I watched TV tonight even though I still have "real" work to do and some thesis writing to wrap up for the semester.  I watched "This is Us" hoping it would make me cry so I could get it out, but the mid-season finale was so good I was just left on edge. - If you have not seen This is Us, I urge you to check it out. Bi-racial adoption, reunification, body issues, family drama, grief. It's all in there.

Tomorrow is a new day. As I hit save, I will recommit to my heart that going home is best for Solana and that her address doesn't matter. I will stop the timer on this grief, and I will resolve that others' happiness does not have to trigger my pain, nor do I have to feel guilty that my pain is triggered by their happiness.

Baby Mama Drama

Just when I'm all "openess is awesome, I can work with bio parents" reality trips me and I fall on my face. 

So Sheila failed to make the phone call we scheduled. 12 hours after the scheduled time I got a text asking if I forgot or if she was supposed to call me. 

I responded the following day that I expected her to call but if she wasn't sure she could have called anyway or texted. I reminded her the importance of consistency. 

Her response was of course to say I called last time (so of course I screwed up) and that she couldn't remember (say what?) and it's not like she doesn't call on purpose (refreshing). Oh and the gem at the end stating that she's "trying really hard to keep things good between us" (because of course I'm trying to be difficult by setting the boundaries). 

It's my own fault really. Once again I bought into the facade that she's going to do her part. 

How do you tell me you really miss your kids and you want a relationship with them and then you forget to call them.  Especially when you asked for the call and I reminded you a few days prior? 

Am I wrong to expect her to call? Should I, for the sake of my children, carry more than my share of the relationship and call her? Should I insist on emails.

I replied back that we made the kids available and that she didn't follow up for 12 hours. That's she needs to take responsibility for her actions and her relationship with the kids. Her response was simply "OK".

Apparently being right is more important than re-scheduling. Which honestly, I don't know what I would have agreed to. The kids knew we had a call scheduled but they didn't seem to notice (or at least haven't asked) that it didn't happen. 

I sent the screen shot of her response about not being able to remember to the therapists and Caseworker #4 and asked for a team meeting about the best approach. Stella has some big feelings about baby Solana being in foster care. (She is very worried no one will protect her if she goes home to Sheila.) Caseworker #4 can't do much about the phone call but it made me feel better to tattle that she still can't remember to, you know, call her children.

If you can't remember a phone call on a weekend, how are you going to take care of an infant? 

The answer is of course- she isn't. And that kiddo will likely be in foster care for 2 years before anyone does anything about. 

Short Lived

WARNING: This is not a bio parent or foster care positive post. If you don't feel like reading the honest truth about the emotional Rollercoaster that is foster care you might not want to keep reading.  

In all honesty, I'm really angry. I'm mostly mad at myself for falling for the manipulation that seemingly occurred today. I'm angry that the consequences of someone else's choice fall on me, and I'm angry that permanency is further away today than it was yesterday.

Last week Sheila asked us to come to the courthouse to support her signing the surrender paperwork. We made the 1 1/2 trek out there this morning only to discover that since bio dad (of Sarah and Simon) was not coming, Sheila was not willing to sign the surrender until they could sign it at the same time. 

I was pissed. I squandered 4 of my last 9 hours of vacation time only to learn that the TPR trial had been cancelled since the bios said they were going to sign and since the decided not to, the TPR trial would be rescheduled for August. 

Instead of being admonished for not keeping her word to us that she knew signing the paperwork was the best for the kids, she was rewarded with an additional three months of visits.

I couldn't handle it. I actually left the court room crying in the middle of the hearing. I felt lied to. I was angry. In my mind I saw weeks of behavior and bed wetting and the crushed faces of my kids.

The judge said she wasn't happy but she couldn't force her to sign and there was no time on her docket but this means  the baby will be born and the department could force the kids to have visits.

It also meant we had to tell the kids that the adoption part wasn't starting. They were frustrated and sad that the process is going to take longer. This also means that they will have to start school with their legal names and we will have to deal with their name change mid-school year.

Right now I feel like I was snowed. I bought into the idea that she would follow through on her word. It's moments like this where I forget about the crazy truly at work and give the benefit of the doubt only to be blindsided. She shot herself in the foot where we are concerned because we will not be fooled again. Any trust built last week was swiftly destroyed by this decision. 

I have no idea what bio dad had to do with this, other than she saw an out and a path to more visits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's her right. And if she had worked at it we wouldn't be in this situation. 11 months from the goal change will have gone by before the TPR trial happens. They will have been in foster care 2 1/2 years this time. What about the kids' rights?  What about mine? We are being held hostage, in limbo, on the whims of a woman who looked me in the face and told me she was afraid I would cut off contact and she wanted a good relationship so that wouldn't happen.

Let me tell you, this was not the way to start out. At this moment I have no desire  to work with her because I feel like she totally wasted our time and hurt my kids.

The Mommy that Hangs the Moon

 I had an early morning meeting with Sarah's team at school to help figure out how to best approach the meltdowns she has been having when frustrated.  Thankfully, her therapist came and gave some really great background and tips for her teachers to use in the classroom.  All of them were willing and ready to do whatever they could to help her. I was pleased to learn that her classroom teacher was familiar with EMDR techniques and has worked with other kids in foster care. It was really great to hear the therapist discuss the progress the kids have made and reflect on the hard work we've been doing. 

Sarah had another rough evening, this time over her resent for Hubby being "not as good" as the presents her siblings made.  This was self imposed and definitely further expression of the grief she is feeling right now.  Earlier this week we had a tantrum that included phrases like:

You don't feel like a forever Mom.
This doesn't feel like a forever home.
I hate you.
You don't want me.

Big scary stuff for my petite little Sarah. Man oh man does she have some sass in her. 

So when Simon asked to read to me I was ready for some quality time.

He picked the book "My Mommy Hung the Moon, a Love Story" by Jamie Lee Curtis & Laura Cornell. I had never read the book. Its a beautifully illustrated story about the Mommy that does all these wonderful things.  It ends with My Mommy is good at everything.

And then I had a moment of insecurity.  Which Mommy was he thinking of when he read it.  Does he think I hang the Moon.  Is it Sheila? Is it both?

It was such a sweet moment the two of us on the floor, that I swallowed down those thoughts and praised him for doing such a good job reading the story.

Then he said, "My Mommy gave us this book."

So there was my answer. He was thinking of Sheila.

I smiled and said, "Well its a really great book.  Thank you for sharing it with me."

Inside, inside I was hurt. And angry.  Not at my sweet Simon.  He should believe his Mommy hangs the moon and can fix anything.  I was mad at Sheila for believing that she hangs the moon and buying the book.  (Yes, yes, books are good. Better than the usual stuff she gets them.) She doesn't chase away the monsters. I do that.  She doesn't make all the food, I do that.  She wouldn't have been able to participate in the meeting this morning because she hasn't bothered to learn about the kids' mental health issues, nor would she acknowledge that she is the cause of some of them. I did that.  She doesn't get to be idealized or get to re-write the history of neglect and the violence and abuse she exposed them to.

Yes she is his mother. He should feel love from her, I want that for him.  But it really irked me because it felt like she was making him choose or trying to re-enforce the idea that she is THE Mommy. I really felt like yelling - if you wanted to be the Mommy who hung the moon, then you should have fixed everything when you had the chance.

But that isn't quite fair.  She doesn't have the tools.  She can't BE that Mommy. And I get that, I really do.  But there are moments when that is a really hard concept for me.  Truth is, I want to be THE Mommy but I'm not either. He has two.
 

Reality TV

I thought I had written a post about my ABC Family TV addiction. Turns out that I started to write one and never published it. I wrote about it being my guilt pleasure here.  But I also have a fondness for MTV's Teen Mom as well. 

If you aren't familiar with the show, its a reality show that follows teens who have gotten pregnant and their journey to parenthood. The girls were on a show called 16 and pregnant and then 4 were picked to be on Teen Mom that followed them after the pregnancy for a longer period of time. I thought the show did a good job of highlighting the challenges that the moms faced navigating school, relationships. finances, etc. 

One couple, Catelynn and Tyler placed their baby for adoption against their family's wishes. Catelynn and Tyler's story was heart breaking.  It was clear from the show that they came from a family that had a lot of trauma and they insisted that the best choice for their daughter was adoption.  I was awed by the maturity in their decision.

The moms are now back on MTV sharing their current lives with the cameras. Tyler and Catelynn have bought a house, are planning a wedding and are expecting again.  Their storyline follows them as they prepare for a baby after placing a child for adoption and navigate the semi-open adoption relationship with their daughter's adoptive parents.

SPOILER ALERT: This weeks episode was the meeting between the two sets of parents and boy did it hit home for me.  The adoptive Mom, Theresa talked about the grief and loss in adoption. The loss of their fertility, the grief of taking another woman's child. The fear of rejection for never being the birth mother.  Catelynn and Tyler talked about the fear of having the openness taken away and the fear of rejection of not being the parents that raised her. Then in an absolute moment of amazingness, Theresa gave Catelynn some of their daughter's mementos: a baby doll and an outfit she wore.

I was crying my eyes out. Its not often we get to see the honesty on TV about both sides of adoption and I'm really pleased to see it portrayed in such an honest way.  It gave me some things to think about as I prepare to have a similar conversation with the birth parents of my children. It was good for me to be reminded about the birth parent perspective. I always try to be kind and thoughtful when with the birth parents, but sometimes that is hard to do when you are faced with the harm that came to the children.  The termination of parental rights process is all about that.  The odd part about this time, is that I've not rooted for Sheila to fail. 

If I'm being really honest, I had rooted for Maria to fail at times. I'm ashamed by this now.  Especially since I now consider her a friend.  But its true.  With Sheila, I never rooted against her but we also knew from the beginning that a complete turn around wasn't likely. (I may have wished that the process could be sped up in either direction just because I think kids stuck in foster care is a travesty.) But I am terrified of the grief coming our way and that played out on my television tonight.

I will do everything in my power to get them the tools they need to handle the grief.  I will give them space to process it.  But I can't stop it or magically make it better. I can't stop by own grief that these beautiful children were dealt a craptastick hand in life for which they will probably deal with well into adulthood, if not longer.  I can't prevent the inevitable grief they will feel over their new sibling or the ones they hardly mention.

Some will say that I signed up for this when I became a foster parent, that this is what I get.  I have some choice words for those folks.

Let me tell you, no one signs up for the grief.  You sign up to help kids. You sign up because you have this crazy notion that you can make a difference for kids who certainly didn't ask for this to be their life.  And by the time you discover that this is the road less traveled for a reason, you are already hopelessly in love with children who need people who are willing to roll up their sleeves.  Just because I "signed up for foster parenting" doesn't mean I can't talk about the challenges it presents.  Would you tell someone who was in a horrific car accident caused by someone else "well that's what you get for driving". Um no you wouldn't. And if you did, that makes you a total jerk.

 

Surrender

Its been a hectic and interesting week.  I'm busy with the move, grad school, and a lice infestation. (Seriously the grossest thing I've had to do as a mother.  I'll take stomach flu over lice any day.)  And of course this is the week that Caseworker #3 reaches out about Bio Dad possibly relinquishing his rights.  He wants to know if he did sign a surrender, would we still involve him in his children's lives and allow him to maintain a relationship with him.

My head may spin off.  For real.

Not because of the question but because of the timing. 

PEOPLE LISTEN UP! I can't handle one more thing that requires concentration. Or thought. Or empathy.  My brain is mush and I have a Strengths Assessment from the folks over at Gallup that says empathy is not one of my strengths. Seriously out of 35 strengths, empathy doesn't make the top 30.

Something as important as the discussion of openness in adoption requires careful consideration.

Not seeing his Bio Dad again would crush Simon.

I met Bio Dad once when I picked the kids up from a visit.  We have a service that transports the kids to and from visits which are 45-60 minutes away from our house so run ins are rare.  (The kids get transported to a fast food place near Bio Dad. And I've said over and over we have one 10 minutes from our house and doesn't it make sense for the Bio Dad (who is supposed to be working towards getting his kids) to have to travel instead of the kids but that falls on deaf ears...) You either meet parents at court or case reviews.  Because we work and the case review is in the county handling the case for DCFS, and not the county where the children reside, we mostly do those and family meetings on the phone. Bio Dad has not been to court when I have been there.  We have not gone the last few hearings because they don't really pertain to the kids (these have been about scheduling the TPR Trial), court runs late, and the courthouse is 1 1/2 hours from our house. 

Bio Dad was nice.  He was dressed nice, he smiled, seemed happy to meet me and let me snap a few pictures of the kids with him.  Aside from his lack of consistency with the visits and non-compliance with the case plan, he has been appropriate with the kids.  He brings activities for them, provides meals, and sends gifts that are age appropriate.  He also sends shoes which is fantastic! Kids always need shoes.  (They do not need: candy, chips, nail polish, glitter make-up, or another doll that looks like she's dressed in lingerie. Seriously.  The kids came home with another of this same doll.  Now tell me she doesn't look like a hooker?)

All I know about this guy is that he beat up Bio Mom while she was pregnant with Sarah.  Got Bio Mom pregnant a second time, and then was sent to jail for beating her up again after breaking into her house. His kids really love spending time with him. He has at least one other child. And now, he would consider surrender if we'd be open to allowing him contact with his kids.

I'm sure I've got a very limited view here.  Similar to Maria, I can only see a very small window into this person. And now we've got to decide what a relationship would look like.

I started with asking Caseworker #3 what "involved" and "maintain a relationship" means to him.  I think at a very minimum, we would require some sort of meeting with the therapy team so that he can understand more about the mental health of the kids.  A lot of our decisions about contact are going to be based on where they are at emotionally with adoption and their mental health treatment plans.

Can he be respectful of boundaries we set up? Will he be sober? Does he understand everything will be supervised? Will he respect our role as the parents? Does he understand he won't get a voice in decision making pertaining to the kids?

Maybe he just doesn't want to lose track of them? Maybe a shared Facebook Page and a semi-annual visit plan would be enough?

Last month this wasn't something he was willing to consider.  Maybe his attorney advised him that he may have better access to the kids if he volunteers to sign the surrender.  (We never offered this, but its the logical conclusion.) Maybe his attorney told him he has no chance of keeping his rights in tact because he didn't work the case plan (again).  But I think it was the Christmas gift we sent.  A framed professional portrait of Simon and Sarah.  Their adorable dimples and huge grins in a blue frame that they lovingly picked out.  I also sent a copy of the photo and their school pictures.  Such an easy thing to do and it may be the olive branch that allows my kids to have less loss in their life.  Both kids told both Hubby and I separately that their Dad said he loved the photo and to thank us for sending.





 

Minimum Parenting Standards- An Update

It looks like this post got some love this week in the Blog-o-sphere. I love when my old posts become new (to you) because it gives me a chance to go back and see how far we've come.

I write this blog with an honest voice: how I'm feeling at the time and what I've learned through this process. I often bristle at my own honesty and the post about Minimum Parenting Standards is no exception.  I was angry then. Angry that we had to participate in the excercise. Angry that the circus of 7 professionals made it our responsibility, and angry that the case was moving so slowly.

That post was written a year before the kids went home. And even the week they did go home, I was still unsure that Maria was going to be able to meet her kids' needs. The greatest lesson I learned was that I had to trust a broken system.

I like to think we helped in the end. In the post, I wrote I didn't want to help Maria. And I didn't then. But then it came down to: do I want to watch my kids get hurt again by failing or do I want to build them up by helping their family suceed? 

I don't think you can learn to love these kids and not pick the 2nd option. And a big piece that I was missing was that Maria really was working hard, I just didn't know any better.  She had a lot to overcome. I know that now and I tell her how proud of her I am each time we see her.

This past weekend as she sat in the passenger seat of my mini-van, she excitedly shared news of the progress on her passport, immigration paperwork, and driver's license appointment. When I wrote that post in May 2012, there was no way you could have convinced me that a trip to the movies (or away for the weekend) would be in our future. Or that I would truly be pleased for her progress or side with her on parenting decisions. "You're Mom is right" often comes out of my mouth when the kids are telling me stories.

I really wish we could get to a similar place with Sheila.  A positive, supportive relationship would be so much better for the kids.  Right now in the case, she isn't ready to view us in a positive way.  And I totally understand the point of view.  I just wish it were different and my hope is that with time, this too will change.

Stunned

I've been at this for four years now.  Not much phases me at this point.  Tonight I was making airline reservations while catching blood from someone's nose.  Just another Tuesday.  But I was stunned when I learned today that Bio Dad is not willing to sign the identified surrender paperwork.

What?

He missed over 50% of his visits.  He didn't even have his house approved for visits much less overnights.  He hasn't shown up to court but once in the last 2 years (and he was summoned).  He didn't take a single parenting class. He didn't participate in therapy or family meetings. 

But he wants to go to trial to terminate his rights.

I just don't get it. You were so disinterested before. Your kids were left to worry and wonder if you were going to show up for them.  And now you want to take it seriously?

I felt like someone punched me in the gut when Caseworker #3 told me that. 

And where are their attorneys?  Why are they not telling these parents that having your parental rights terminated can have a lasting legal effect as it may be grounds to terminate your rights on other children.  Both of the Bios have other children.

And for some reason Caseworker #3 thinks they will try to wrap up the TPR by end of the year as one of the attorneys is going on maternity leave.

Yeah right.

Lovely, right?

This is where I struggle as a person who understands the law and a Foster Mom. 

As a Foster/Adoptive Mom, it seems so incredibly unfair to make our family hang in limbo because NOW you decide to take this seriously.  Umm little too late buddy.  But thanks for making this process that much more complicated.

As a paralegal I understand that your rights to your children should be the hardest of rights to take away.

I was told its possible we will have a goal change to adoption before year end.  (I think that's far fetched.) Think of what a lovely trauma anniversary that could be.....

 And as the foster family we are just left to our own devices.  We just have to sit back and wait for everyone to tell us what is happening to our family next. 
 

Stay Busy With Me

This week was the first week of no Bio Patent visits and it was rough. We've shed buckets of tears. Sleep is scarce and everyone is helpless.

Reasons this week for crying:

I'm scared of the toilet flushing.

I can't reach my socks.

You asked me to put my shoes on.

My sister is in trouble.

I can't find my toy.

It's dark outside.

We arrived home to our driveway.

I didn't bring my homework home.

I forgot my backpack.

We also played 20 bazillion questions with Mom as we held her hostage in the minivan on our way to and from everywhere this week. We covered all topics from ice to vultures. We asked Mom to turn the music up and put on a song only to talk over it each time. Even after we promised not to. Mom offered to rub our backs to help us fall asleep while we layed for 10 minutes with our eyes wide open. 

The therapists call this "Stay Busy With Me".  Because if Mom is staying busy with me, she can't forget me or leave me.

That's the root of the behavior driving Mom insane. Being forgotten. And it's such an uphill battle to prove otherwise. Because they have been forgotten.

The Bio Parents forgot visits and birthdays and phone calls. They missed meetings and court. They forgot to care for and protect. Over and over and over again.  

We can't let Foster Mom R be by herself for 10 minutes because she might forget us. And it's exhausting all of us. Even the dog. He went into his crate tonight just to chill and the kids were all like- why is he doing that? My response? He feels safe in there. Maybe he thinks he can't hear crying if he's in there. 

I Miss My Other Mommy

The therapists mentioned that often kids have a sense about the goal changing to TPR even though they haven't been told.  This seems to be true for my kids if the conversations and big feelings we have been witnessing this week are any indication. We've had several nights of crying fits at bedtime by Smiley and Sarah.  This week brought on statements of "I miss my other Mommy" and "I'm worried my Mom won't call".


Smiley has been doing a lot of crying.  We've determined that this is mainly about her attachment to me and her need to make sure I will take care of her.  Its exhausting.  As of late, she's not been able to get her pajamas on, brush her teeth, or finish homework without my either doing the task for her or right next to her, step by step.  I made the mistake of responding to her cries last night reminding her that her Mom should be calling today.


This set Sarah off.  We had a long conversation about her worries that her Mom would not call and the reasons why she can't live with her Mom.  She told me she was confused about that part.  She doesn't remember her Mom not being able to take care of her.  In reality, she only ever lived with her Mom for a few months at a time.  She spent her 1st year of life in foster care.  Then she lived with her grandma, then an aunt and uncle, and at some point back to her Mom.  She came back to Illinois and went to live with a family friend, then 2 sets of foster parents and then finally with me the last 9 months.  She sobbed in my arms.  The deep, body shaking of grief. It was heart breaking. I can't fix it. And I can't protect her from it.


Sheila did not call on-time.  Sarah was already aware that Mom had missed the call.  An hour after the call time I received a text that she was late because she was shopping for the kids. She won't see the kids for three weeks.  She is very much in denial about what is happening.  She wanted to call later tonight but as Sarah had already cried about the miss call time and moved on with the night, I felt it was best to leave it alone. 


I'm really struggling to understand how you can be shopping for the kids and then decide shopping is more important than calling them. Especially since just a few days ago she was texting about having more calls.  The responsible thinking just isn't there and that's the reason why she isn't parenting any of her kids.  I'm not sure that the calls are really in the kids' best interest at this point.  I think the only one who is really benefitting from them is Sheila. 


The Administrative Case Review this week should be interesting.  I'm wondering how productive it will be given she walked out on the meeting with the caseworker after court. Its going to be very hard to hear that the department no longer has to provide services.  She is also not going to like being told phone calls with the kids are at my discretion. 

Fun With Microscopes

As a foster family we have been living under a microscope for the past 4 years.  Today the inevitable happened and a "concerned caller" reported an incident.  I don't want to put the full details out there yet (if at all).  But we did manage to find out (after the 2nd call from the department) that it was indeed Bio Mom that raised the issue.


It wasn't a hotline call, but the insinuation was that something inappropriate happened. There will be no investigation (at this point in time) and we volunteered a safety plan of sorts to ensure no future confusion. I could see how the phrasing of a beloved family bonding activity could have caused someone to raise an eyebrow if taken out of context. I actually said I'm glad someone cares enough about the kids to double check and I stayed relatively calm about the pseudo accusation.


Then I found out it was Bio Mom and I got really irritated. I get that she's angry. I also get we are the obvious target.  But if you were so concerned about something that happened a month ago, why didn't you bring it up then? This type of behavior is unproductive and not helpful.  And it puts us in a tough spot because it forces us to fulfill her assumption that we will cut her out of their life. And more importantly, it puts your kids at risk for a disruption and that's harmful to them. We have the support of the casework to stop facilitating the phone calls if the attitude continues to be a problem.


I realize that this is more of the same type of behavior we experienced with Stella and Sarah's former foster mom.  It was ugly and stressful and I really don't want to deal with it.  I also realize that we aren't dealing with a stable person.  I just wish I could respond with the snark and bitchiness this deserves.  Its going to be a long 6 months to the next permanency hearing  where the goal could change to adoption.

Permanency Hearing Eve

It's no wonder I'm blogging at midnight. We have the permanency hearing in 9 hours that might change our lives forever. I've been through 6 or 7 of these things but tomorrow (today) is the first time I'm walking into court  and expecting the goal to change toward termination of parental rights. 

It wasn't until this afternoon that I was sure the Department was going to be asking for a goal change as not all of their legal paperwork was done. The minute I got the email, I instantly felt nervous. The thought that I could be adopting 4 kids became very real. It's not some idea in my head anymore.

The kids don't know we have court so I tried to act normal and we ran some errands after work. I took the kids to look for a Halloween costume and Sarah had the daylight scared out of her when she peaked around a corner and saw a very realistic zombie (seriously, who puts that stuff next to the kids section? I would have preferred the Batman panties over the PTSD meltdown).

This of course meant Smiley had to look too and I just got done getting her back to sleep after a nightmare about monsters. I guess we can rule out haunted houses for them....(Just kidding. I would never bring my PTSD/domestic violence exposed kids to a haunted house.) 

The costumes brought out some memories and for the first time in months I heard them mention their older sibling that lives out of state. The kids have been way more talkative about feelings, fears, and their memories over the last two weeks. They are also doing a great job of showing me they care in my love language, words of affirmation. Last night Simon told me I was "really talented" while I was working on a craft for our trip to Walt Disney World.  But it wasn't buttering me up. It was really a true compliment. (Keep it up kid and you can have whatever you want....)

I also bought a variety pack of hot chips. My kids love hot chips and a variety pack of 4 different kinds makes me "the best Mom I ever lived with". All part of my plan to hear those words everyday! Wait until they land at Disney World! Ha!

So wish us luck tomorrow. That sounds awful doesn't it? Luck, for a Mom to have her whole world cave in on her? And it will because as recently as this weekend she was still making all this stuff about her and not her kids. She implied I was trying to block her from talking to Sarah and placing blame on others for not understanding what her kids are feeling in therapy. She has expected that everyone should spoon feed her everything and that's not how it works. But I suppose that's all part of her victim mentality and the basis for why tomorrow might bring about a goal change. 

And So It Goes

I often listen to Pandora internet radio during my work day.  I read contracts all day and I do better when I can block out the other office noise around me. (And as I type, I realize some of that may be because I have no peace to myself outside the office!)


Anyway, a few weeks ago the song "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel came on.


I literally cried at my desk. Silent tears streamed down my face while I imagined this being sung by a Foster Mom and a Foster Child.  (Click on the video link to hear it sung.)


Foster Mom:
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers Mothers past
Until a new one comes along


Foster Child:
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave



Foster Mom:
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed



Foster Child:
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows


Together:
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows







The piano is painfully beautiful.  The song captures the feelings and emotions I have been struggling to articulate lately.   I'm sharing the sanctuary of my heart with 8 children.  I'm trying to help all of them heal from mothers past and it is met with the defenses and walls they have built up over time. And I would chose to be with them, if the choice were mine to make. But it isn't.


Four years in, and I'm pretty sure I believe that is the hardest part of being a foster parent.  Having others make choices about your life for you.  It comes with the territory of being able to have these amazing kids in your life but its maddening as it happens. I mean heck, I started running 1/2 marathons so that I could control something in my life.  That should give you a sense of the desperation I was feeling!


We have a permanency hearing next week and I'm definitely stressed out about this lack of control. First, I just want an end for these kids.  They are so tired and weary. Second, DCFS isn't finished with all of their paperwork for court.  We only have a few business days left and they are down to the wire.  It makes me very nervous that these kids are going to suffer once again because the adults couldn't get their paperwork handled. And it makes me nervous that there were other mistakes made that will mean a continued goal of return home in 6 months.  Finally, I really don't want to drive 1 1/2 hours to find out that its been continued after I've used a vacation day.  Not the end of the world but definitely on the list of things that would really tick me off. I have four kids. They get sick. I need vacation days saved up for fevers and vomit not delays because someone else didn't do their work.


Its also Sarah's birthday this week and she had a lot of trouble going to bed tonight because she is terrified that her Bio Mom is going to forget her birthday.  A big deal was made about Smiley's birthday and now Sarah is afraid that she won't even be acknowledged.  How sad. 8 years old and you can't trust that your Mom will remember your birthday.  Totally heartbreaking.  And that goes back to, why should she open her heart up to me? Every other adult/parent let her down.  9 months in and it feels like we are just scratching the surface of trust.  Its such a long path.  A step forward, a step back. Both of us waiting for the other to be taken away.  And so it goes, on and on. 

Denial

I sent intake forms for Simon and Smiley to their visit this week. The forms are their  family history to help asses their trauma. 

I don't for one minute believe what Mom wrote on the forms, except for maybe, their weight at birth.

Q: Was there any stress on Mom during her pregnancy?

A: No

No? Really? You had one child already removed from your care. The other two were in foster car. There was no stress?

Q:Was there any drug use? Alcohol use during the pregnancy?

A: No

Yeah, we won't count the arrest for DUI and possession of an illegal substance. That's inconsequential.

I might as well have not sent the form at all. She even got the number of homes wrong. Totally in denial. And no idea that this stuff affects her kids. I want to yell and scream- GROW UP and understand what your kids need!

My heart is sad. These beautiful kids deserve better.

Simon

Simon turned six this week. Sheila (Bio Mom) is allowed a weekly call. It happened to fall on his birthday. Sheila didn't call. 

We had changed the day of calls to accommodate her* schedule, choosing a day she didn't work so that the timing of the call wouldn't be an issue as she had said the previous missed calls were because she didn't get her break at work. We discussed that if she knew ahead of time her schedule was going to change she could contact me to move the call. (*Never mind that I am working full time, commuting 40 minutes each way, and caring for four children.) 

Luckily, the kids are not aware that Sheila has a standing call. Sadly, Simon didn't seem to miss or think of his Mom on his birthday. He grinned the entire time we sang Happy Birthday at 6 AM. He was excited to bring treats to school and he really enjoyed the frosting that turned his mouth so blue it looked like he ate a Smurf.

Happy Birthday Simon. I'm so glad you have brought your energy to our lives. I know we will be forever changed, and my hope is so are you.

Lost in Translation

Working with biological families can be hard. Doing it in a language you don't speak fluently adds what I like to think of as "expert level" challenge.

I usually text Maria. I write fairly well in Spanish and there is always Google Translate to help. I also will call to confirm before I head out to the kids as its a good 40 minute drive. When we speak its mostly in English.

Here was the exchange Saturday:

I call Maria's phone- it goes to voicemail.

I call LM's phone-

Me: Hello? 

LMP: Hello?

Me: LM? It's Mom. Are you guys ready for me to come get you?

LMP: Actually, it's Gabby. Mom? I think my Mom forgot. We are all still sleeping. 

Me: Can you put your Mom on?

Maria: Hello? Foster Mom R?

Me: Morning Maria. Are the kids ready?

Maria: I thought you were coming next weekend. 

Me: I suppose I could.

Maria: Oh. OK. That would work better for me.

Background: Kids screaming and yelling yeah! Next weekend.

Me: OK. I'll come get them Friday night at 6:00 after work. 

Maria: That would work better for me. I think the judge is going to give me the babies in October.

Me: That's great! So happy for you.

******************************************
Somehow I managed to keep the frustration and annoyance out of my voice. The swapping of the weekend was going to work better anyway but it was disappointing that there was an issue. The text messages were pretty clear but scheduling and organization are not Maria's strengths. I think we need to go back to scheduling a few visits ahead of time. This seemed to work better.

But I didn't blame. I didn't argue. I just accepted it and moved on.

The Friend Request I Never Thought I Would Accept

In researching foster care I came across a lot of discussion about biological families and Facebook. It seemed to be both a blessing and a curse. A great way to share information and keep a connection but also a major source of drama and inappropriate boundaries.

Lots of people set up private Facebook groups just for their particular situation. A way to securely share photos and monitor exchange of information. Some had great relationships that led to co-parenting and continuity for the kids.

I thought these people were crazy. How could you get to a place of such giving when the system puts you on opposing sides?

While I was often frustrated and angry at the things the Fab Four's Mom, Maria, did, I learned to move on and did the unthinkable - accepted her friend request on Facebook.

I genuinely count her as a friend. She has been gracious in allowing me to see her kids and I want to make sure they succeed. I also don't want to lose them in the world and since we have no common circles it would be easy to do if she lost my number or got a new phone.

Here's hoping we cultivate the positive, good boundary, co-parenting relationship.

Maria Found A Job

If I'm being totally honest, there was a point when I rooted against that in hopes that I would become a permanent mother. But when Maria called and asked if any of our babysitters would be interested in watching the kids when her new job started, I couldn't have been more excited.

I was thrilled! Good for her! 

I hope the child care comes through. That's been my prayer. In fact, I had a bigger reaction to her getting a new job than my own. 

I'm so glad I am having this version of the return home goal. Makes me see why it's a good goal to star with. (Someone remind of this if later I'm having the opposite feelings!)

Blown Away

A lot of people looked shocked when I told them about this weekend. I'm sure nearly all of them were thinking I had finally cracked up. I mean who would chose to spend an entire weekend with a woman who fought so hard against what I wanted?

I'm sure people said the same thing to her. After all, I fought against her too. Both of us mothers believing we were right, neither of us seeing that down the road maybe we could share.

Truth is we need each other. She needs my help and I need her kids. And tonight, several times, she asked me for that help. She said- I'd like to get closer to you because I really need your help. I don't know what to do when this happens.

Of course she does. I needed help too. I read books and forums and blogs and joined support groups to figure out how to help these kids. I had a fantastic Mom who showed me what safety and love were growing up and I had a support system and a husband to help me help these kids. She has none of that. N.O.N.E.

If foster parenting classes don't prepare foster parents for foster kids- then why would we expect parents who needed their kids in foster care to be any more prepared? Ask anyone involved in the triad- the system is broken and many, many people don't get it.

So on the last day of May- Foster Care Awareness Month I began a weekend of co-parenting with the biological mother of my re-unified foster kids. She said- I'm happy they have two Moms and a Dad.  I said she's stuck with me for life. 

And as we spend the weekend in a place the system forbid me from going the last time I asked, I can't help but tear up. Because I never thought I'd get to see them go down water slides again. I never thought I'd get to see them enjoy my Mom's cooking. Or see my God Daughter call kids her own age her cousins. And now I'm picturing their quinceneras and graduation and weddings. And perhaps a Christmas or two for good measure. 

We set out to grow our family and we certainly have. I never expected that to include a woman my own age but it did. And my heart is so happy. 

And one of the coolest things that happened tonight? Mr. Mohawk took his Mom out to the balcony and said, " Mom! I want to show you the stars."

Oh the possibilities in the stars! 

My Own Trigger

I have a few posts on pause because I deemed them simply too sad for the week of Thanksgiving. Wednesday morning as I dropped the kids off and still couldn't shake the urge to cry I realized that perhaps, I was experiencing my own trauma anniversary. Which makes sense. My Grandma passed the day before Thanksgiving two years ago and I miss her terribly.

Today is the actual anniversary date and I'm handling it fairly well. I think for me the day before Thanksgiving is my trigger. I was a mess. I volunteered to make the turkey at her house and spend the night to keep my grandfather company. And as I was opening every drawer in her kitchen, trying to familiarize myself with the location of everything, I prayed that I could recall the lessons she taught me about her secret to amazing stuffing. Then I had to laugh because at 31 it was really the first time I was allowed in the kitchen while cooking was going on and no one was telling me to move.

It did a little introspection. I checked in with my emotions and feelings and I think the one I'm feeling the most is anger.  I'm angry that I'm still grieving. I'm angry that I'm preparing myself to grieve more when the kids go home. I was even angry at mass on Thanksgiving. A couple got up to talk about what they were grateful for and the spoke about adoption. The thanked God for giving them the means to adopt internationally, then have biological children, and now are bring another child home through adoption. Then I was angry at myself for being angry that God was seemingly providing for them and not me.

And I'm letting the little things make me angry. Like the fact that the kids Mom wasn't home on Wednesday when they kids showed up for the visit. And that after 30 minutes of driving around her town they brought the kids back to daycare ( 45 minutes each way) and then picked them up ten minutes later when they finally got a hold of her and drove them back to her house. I'm angry about her new iPhone 5 (because I'm sorry if the court changes your permanency goal just so you can qualify for a housing grant I don't think that means you should be out buying the latest technology in smart phones). I'm angry that she bought Little Mama very expensive fashion sneakers when Mr. Mohawk and Jelly Bean actually need every day shoes. I'm angry that I'm being judgemental and petty. I'm angry that the kids are still having nightmares and wetting the bed and throwing up on days they see her and I'm angry that it doesn't matter.

So I did what I do best when I get angry -  I cleaned. I organized. I shampooed my carpets. Then I got a little creative and painted the kids' Christmas ornaments. Because sometimes I just need to get crafty.

If I'm working through the stages of grief, I believe bargaining is next.