An Udate to Grief Too Big

This post written back in October, is one of the most read on the blog.  I wrote it after an incredibly hard night for Simon. 

The first time I sat down with the therapy team to learn the results of his trauma assessment I cried.  He scored in the 90th percentile for anxiety.  That meant if he was in a room of 100 kids, he was more worried than at least 90 of them. He was diagnosed with PTSD.  We were waiting to rule out an attachment disorder. It all sounded so hopeless.

He was fidgety. He had no idea how to ask for help with anything. His voice was barely audible. He cried a lot. Even if you hadn't said anything.  The rest of the time he had a fake smile plastered on his face. He couldn't tolerate a hug, it was visibly uncomfortable for him. He felt he was better than his sisters because he had a Bio Dad and they didn't.

If I'm being really honest, as I look back, I had a tough time coping.  I had no idea what to do with a kid I couldn't hug or soothe.  I had a hard time feeling connected to Simon. I felt like I was failing him.  I felt like I wasn't ever going to feel like he was mine.  As the walls came down, I could see he desperately wanted to be connected to me, just as I wanted to be connected to him.

So I made an effort to praise him.  Encourage him. Notice him. Tell him I needed him and that I missed him. I stood up for him when his sisters were talking over and for him.  (With 3 sisters its easy to lose your voice.) We bonded over his love of anything I put on a plate for him. In return, he thanks me every night for cooking. I proudly displayed his artwork. He got into giving us head rubs and back rubs as a way to care for us and control safe touch.

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Paper flowers Simon made me. Proudly displayed in an antique vase my Grandmother gifted me.

We've noticed he has made a lot of progress over the past year.  He can articulate his feelings and does so unprompted. Yesterday he waited a little while after Smiley got in trouble to come to me and ask:

"Mom, are you still mad? Because if you aren't, I was going to ask if you needed a hug."

Not only did he want to comfort me, he realized that I need some space when I'm upset.

Today he burst through the door when I picked him up from daycare:

"Mom you are going to be so happy! I have great news! Dad got picked to be my chaperone for my field trip!"

 Perhaps the biggest example of the connectedness is how he was feeling about visits with his Mom. Or rather, the lack of visits as the missed visit this past week will mean no visit until next month (8 weeks).  As his sisters cried their eyes out, he sat next to me just listening.  I mentioned to him that he seemed ok with the news that there wouldn't be a make-up visit.

"Sometimes I like staying home and spending extra time with you and Dad."

In my head I said,  "Aww, you are totally my favorite child today! Could you explain it to your sisters?"

I actually said, "And you can absolutely feel that way!"

Attachment will slide back and forth. I totally understand that.  We will go back to testing our attachment and commitment.  But this week this is where we are in our journey.  We are connected.  To each other. My creative, sweet, intelligent, messy little boy. I love you so!

 

 

Simon Why Are You Crying?

I had two kids totally out of sorts today. Smiley basically woke up crying and kept going until after lunch. Simon began the water works once we went over to the new house. The meltdown was over Stella being bossy and not listening but the tears were really about moving. Being in the new house and knowing we only have a week left at our old one was definitely hard for my kid with major anxiety. He began crying when we were leaving because "he just started to play". This is not like my normally happy go lucky kid.

Stella was also stressed and reverted to her parentified behavior of being bossy and not listening to Simon. We've worked hard in therapy to give Simon a voice with his family and every once in a while we take a step backward. 

I was also not having a stellar day. Last night I had a very really panic attack about the tile we ordered being switched to a different color and I was so worked up Hubby volunteered to drive us over to the house at 10:30pm at night. I've been having anxiety pains all week and the stress took its toll in the form of losing my voice, a pinched nerve in my back and the beginning of a migraine. By the end of the day my migraine was in full force and effect and by 6pm I was in bed with a muscle relief and a cold wash cloth.

At 9pm Hubby sent the kids to bed. Each of them came in to say goodnight and Simon started crying again. I asked him why and he answered "I don't know". Then he asked if I was going to get better. I asked him if he was worried about me and he started to cry harder.  

It's rare that my kids see me down for the count. The few times I've been ill, they have been at school or I didn't share I was sick. Mom in bed at 6pm is unusual and I imagine it triggered something about Sheila. I tried to explain what a migraine was and reassured him that it would go away eventually. But how scary it must have been to this child who is trying to attach.  

As Smiley said goodnight she said "Mom I feel bad about you." For a 5 year old it was a very powerful feeling to share. I marveled at how far we've come. 

At about 11pm the combination of Aleve, caffeine, cold wash cloth, muscle relaxer and nap allowed the pain to ease up. But now I'm wide awake from the caffeine and nap! 

And So It Goes

I often listen to Pandora internet radio during my work day.  I read contracts all day and I do better when I can block out the other office noise around me. (And as I type, I realize some of that may be because I have no peace to myself outside the office!)


Anyway, a few weeks ago the song "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel came on.


I literally cried at my desk. Silent tears streamed down my face while I imagined this being sung by a Foster Mom and a Foster Child.  (Click on the video link to hear it sung.)


Foster Mom:
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers Mothers past
Until a new one comes along


Foster Child:
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave



Foster Mom:
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed



Foster Child:
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows


Together:
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows







The piano is painfully beautiful.  The song captures the feelings and emotions I have been struggling to articulate lately.   I'm sharing the sanctuary of my heart with 8 children.  I'm trying to help all of them heal from mothers past and it is met with the defenses and walls they have built up over time. And I would chose to be with them, if the choice were mine to make. But it isn't.


Four years in, and I'm pretty sure I believe that is the hardest part of being a foster parent.  Having others make choices about your life for you.  It comes with the territory of being able to have these amazing kids in your life but its maddening as it happens. I mean heck, I started running 1/2 marathons so that I could control something in my life.  That should give you a sense of the desperation I was feeling!


We have a permanency hearing next week and I'm definitely stressed out about this lack of control. First, I just want an end for these kids.  They are so tired and weary. Second, DCFS isn't finished with all of their paperwork for court.  We only have a few business days left and they are down to the wire.  It makes me very nervous that these kids are going to suffer once again because the adults couldn't get their paperwork handled. And it makes me nervous that there were other mistakes made that will mean a continued goal of return home in 6 months.  Finally, I really don't want to drive 1 1/2 hours to find out that its been continued after I've used a vacation day.  Not the end of the world but definitely on the list of things that would really tick me off. I have four kids. They get sick. I need vacation days saved up for fevers and vomit not delays because someone else didn't do their work.


Its also Sarah's birthday this week and she had a lot of trouble going to bed tonight because she is terrified that her Bio Mom is going to forget her birthday.  A big deal was made about Smiley's birthday and now Sarah is afraid that she won't even be acknowledged.  How sad. 8 years old and you can't trust that your Mom will remember your birthday.  Totally heartbreaking.  And that goes back to, why should she open her heart up to me? Every other adult/parent let her down.  9 months in and it feels like we are just scratching the surface of trust.  Its such a long path.  A step forward, a step back. Both of us waiting for the other to be taken away.  And so it goes, on and on. 

Strangers

My brother and sister-in-law's friends are with us for a few days of our trip. They are super laid back and very sweet. I was worried that our crazies would ruin their trip. So far we've been able to avoid the majority of the crazies by 1)feeding the kids often 2) saying yes to things we normally say no to (like Coke instead of Sprite- not having to eat everything in order to have dessert) 3) dividing and conquering (the kids have pretty much been separated by at least two adults between them at all times 4) lots of hand holding 5) extra observant parenting.

The kids have latched on to these new people though. Wanting to sit next to them, ride with them, asking them questions. And of course the super sweet people they are they are allowing the kids those requests.

But Jelly Bean is starting to push the limits. Trying to see if she can get me irritated in front of the new people. Testing to make sure those boundaries we have set for her are still in place. And because she is adorable and funny and sweet when I make the tone in my voice mean business and the friends look at me like I'm way too serious about silly things like sweatshirts and where she is sitting at a table I start to question myself. Am I too harsh? Should I ease up? Let it go?

And then I remember - attachment. She's fantastic at getting others to do things for her because her parents did not. But I'm a safe protective parent and I can't let the boundaries lax. For her I have to be serious in front of others.

And I'll have to do it without explaining to these kind people the horrific things people have done to this little girl. That's my job. Meanest Mom on the planet...