Fear

The craziness of the week left me in it's wake this morning as my husband went to the office and my kids left to see their mother. I have 5 hours to myself. 5 whole hours to do whatever it is that I want and need to do without interruption. However, when finally given the alone time and silence I needed to check in on myself I found I was bowled over.

I've always thrived on choas. And it should come to no surprise to me that I had set up a life filled with it. And to be honest I'm a little lost with silence. Maybe thats why I fight so hard to prevent the inevitable. I read a quote on Sophie's Blog from a book she read Control is a survival mechanism, and we only try to exert control when we are scared.
I have to admit I am scared. Scared that my kids will get hurt. Scared that they won't. Scared that they will leave my home. Scared for what life will look if they do. Scared what life will look like if they stay. Scared for them. Scared for us.

I can't live in fear. Most days I don't. But some days I let this fear over take me and I go into control mode and it does me no good.  Normally, my big reminder that I don't have any control is my illness.  The way that it hit me and took over my life with no sign of relenting.  But here I am 3 years later and I'm just fine.  This week it was the realization that my kids have to get "hurt" in order for them to stay or our lives will continue to be fear filled because of the unknown and others making decisions for us.