Rollercoaster of Love

You give me that funny feeling in my tummy....

Ahw sh.., yeah, that's right huh

Rollercoaster of Love say what
Rollercoaster yeah (oohh oohh oohh)...

Oh baby you know what I'm talking about
Rollercoaster of Love
oh yeah it's Rollercoaster time

lovin' you is really wild
Oh it's just a love rollercoaster
step right up and get your tickets

1-Your love is like a Rollercoaster baby,baby
I wanna ride yeah (awawaw)
(repeat 1)

2-Move over dad 'cause I'm a double dipple
Upside down on the big dip dipper
1,2, 1,2,3 I've got a ticket come ride with me
Let me go down on the merry-go-round
All is fair 'n' a big fair ground
Let's go slow, let's go fast
Like a liqorice twist gonna whip your ass
(rpt 1, 1, 2, 1...)

Rollercoaster say what
I will be there for you I will be your man
Lyrics by the Ohio Players

Ok so the context of the song obviously is not kid freindly but the song popped into my head tonight as I tried to articulate to my husband how I've been feeling. Up and Down and Up and Down. And it won't get to level ground anytime soon.

We met with the Guardian Ad Litum or Attorney for the kids this week. Which went ok if you can ignore that fact that both Jelly Bean and Mohawk decided to clam up and lie to him.

Do you have friends? No.
Will you speak Spanish for me? I don't know.
Mohawk, Can you count to ten. No.
Do you have friends? No.

To which I'm doing everything in my power to not scream - YES! YES the know it. Yes they have made friends. They are smart. I have no idea why all of a sudden they've decided to act dumb. I felt like a bad Mother - even though I'm not their real Mother and I didn't do the damage to these kids that caused them to totally freak out in this attorney's office. I know why they clammed up. They know this guy has something to do with the fact they are not living with their Mom and sisters. And they are concerned that anything the say will hurt somebody. And it will. If they say they want to go home they hurt us. They say they don't want to go home it hurts their Mom.

He asked Jelly Bean to draw a picture of her house. She drew a single flower in the middle of grass. And my heart broke.

And this is the hard stuff. This is what no amount of PRIDE classes or blog reading or forum chats can prepare you for. The heartbreaking moment where you realize you love these kids and that you are actively working to help get them back home which in one way makes you feel great and in the other awful because you want to protect them forever. AND you are doing it blindly because NO ONE WILL TELL YOU WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN BEFORE THEY CAN GO HOME. THE GAL wouldn't tell me what is going to happen in June. He said it was up to the judge. OK but you seem like a smart guy you've gone to law school. Give me your best guess. OR tell me what you are going to recommend because then I can prepare. Prepare to get over the loss. OR prepare for the backlash of anger that will be headed my way.

Because I do love these kids. And everyone asks me "Won't it be hard when the go back?" Yes. And my answer is "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but today is a day when I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I can say goodbye to them and be happy they are going home. And that is so totally against my grain that It makes me angry at myself for thinking it.

Maybe God is trying to teach me some new lesson but for the life of me I have no clue what it could be other than your heart can break and break and will become whole again.