Gabbing with Gabby

Gabby popped up on Facebook today. She posted a picture of herself from when she lived with us. In it, she was wearing her favorite dress from that time. So I commented and she texted to ask if we could video chat. She apologized for barging back into my life - and I was stunned.

She thought I’d be annoyed to hear from her after so much time had passed. She misses me a lot. I confessed I think of her daily and still keep her picture on my desk at work, and around the house. We both cried. I tried to explain that I wanted to respect Maria’s role and space, and how I understand LIttle Mama doesn’t want to be reminded of her time with us. Mr. Mohawk doesn’t remember us, and Jelly Bean can be a little much with all of the other kids around. Everyone is doing well. Which is such a relief, 7 years since we first came into their lives.

I always knew Gabby would excel. And I really see her rising above her circumstances.  She’s getting all As and Bs. She’s playing tennis and made show choir. She’s turned into a beautiful Sophmore with the same bubbly personality. But she’s also always been expressive and she had written a letter to both Hubby and I back around Thanksgiving time.

Hubby’s letter  talked about how he has always been her father figure and the first example of a man not hitting her. She thanked him for showing her how to play tennis and share his love of accounting, which she will be taking next semester.

The letter to me, thanked me for keeping her with her siblings and preventing more moves. For making the most horrible time in her life better. For helping her manage her anxiety and teaching her how to stand up for herself. She thanked me for being an awesome Mom and said that she feels happy for my forever kids because I’m an amazing mother.

Such a gift she gave us. An amazing gift. 

10 Questions To Ask When Considering a Foster Care Placement

I see this question very frequently in the Foster Parent Support Groups. What should I ask before agreeing to a new foster child placement?

I always feel a little tug on my heartstrings when I see that question. It reminds me about the hope and excitement we had when we started out. And then I remember we had zero time to come up with a list and it wouldn't have mattered because we weren't really given a clear picture even when we did ask the questions....sigh. Not that my pre-jaded self would have been discouraged by the truth....

So before I give you the list, here is my advice on how to approach those first few placement calls.

• Don't be rushed. The person calling will be frantic. They will tell you the child is in their office. They will need an answer ASAP. 

You are making a decision that is LIFE CHANGING. For you, your family, and the kids in care. If you don't spend the time now, it will cause issues later. And the kid who they are trying to place will likely pay the biggest price. So don't feel bad for being as thorough as possible. This is the only time you will have the power in this relationship and the only time you will have the caseworker's (if it's not an investigator) undivided attention.

• Trust your gut.

Don't say yes out of guilt. If you have a bad feeling, listen to it. If you feel you can help improve the kiddo's situation, then listen to that too.  Be honest with your ability to handle the child's needs or the demands of the case. It's ok to say no. It's better to say no if it's not a good fit, than to move a kiddo later.

• Understand who is calling you.  

Usually, calls for placements come in one of two ways. 1) Investigator - who just removed the child and is calling for placement for the first time. 2) A caseworker or agency person trying to place a child from another home, either for disruption or as a pre-adoptive placement.

An investigator isn't going to have the majority of the answers to your questions, ask anyway. The hope is that the caseworker is being truthful. I think a lot of the, time foster parents feel that caseworkers either lied or bent the truth or omitted information for fear someone won't take placement. I am on alert when someone tells me there are no "no issues" or "no trauma". So I always multiply whatever they tell me as worse than it sounds, by at least two. 

Now for the list:

1. Demographics - Child's Name, Birthday, School, County, where parents live, where child lived
2. Reason for Removal -Neglect, Abuse (physical or sexual), Domestic Violence
3. Length of time in Care, # of Moves, contact info for previous caregivers, ability to talk to them
4. Family Structure - Bio Mom, Bio Dad, Siblings, Paramores of Bios, Other siblings adopted or in care. If siblings not together, why not.
5. Case Details - CW info, their supervisor, GAL info, CASA info, Next Court Date, Service Plan, Case Goal, Agency Office
6. Visit Schedule and Transportation Responsibilities - how frequent, number of hours, more than one bio parent, sibling visits, where/when, how long have visits been set this way, who transports
7. Medical Needs - Allergies, Medications, Special Equipment, Upcoming appointments, drug exposure
8. Educational Needs - Grade, 504 Plan, IEP
9. Mental Health Needs - trauma history, sexual acting out, hospitalizations, currently in therapy, contact information for all
10. Placement Details - when would children come, what will they come with, clothing sizes, is it possible to gradually transition

What would you add? Do you keep a similar list? What would you have asked, that you didn't? I'd love to hear your thoughts below or on Facebook. 

Closing Out 2017

It’s been 2 years since Solana came into our lives. It looks nothing like we hoped and everything like we hoped. She came, she went home, and then she stayed. In the fall, SD sought some advice. He had the opportunity to save some money but he would have to give up his apartment. Should he do it he asked? And if he did it, could Solana stay with us?

So with my Mom’s incredible offer to provide free child care to her, Solona began staying here full time with SD coming and staying most weekends with us. We video chat with him every day and we make up this interesting family unit of Mom, Dada, and Daddy (how she distinguishes between her Dads.) Solona and “the Guys” (the kids).

The few times she’s gone and stayed at SD’s house she’s definitely tried to re-assure us she was coming back. And called us several times a day to check in. She’ll tell us “Don’t worry. I be right back” and “Mama, you come a picka me up.” And when she gets home, “I’m home! I come right back!”.

Because SD has spent so much time here I put his name on the family Christmas ornament and bought him a matching stocking. He plans on spending Christmas with us. Such a departure from what I thought our lives would look like, but I’m so glad we had open minds. My kids win every day growing up with their sibling.

The “Guys” are doing ok. We are mostly surviving the holiday stress and trauma anniversary of them moving into our family 4 years ago. Simon is struggling a bit with some very big feelings.  He confessed yesterday that he doesn’t really like to be reminded he is adopted and doesn’t really want to see Sheila. So hard to know where the balance is between acknowledging/celebrating their roots and respecting their journey. He has a deep seeded fear that we will kick him out that is just soul crushing to me as a Mom.

The hormones are kicking in for the rest of the crew also. Smiley graduated from speech this week and we closed out her IEP. We are trying to get Sarah an IEP due to the struggles she had at the beginning of the year, mostly out of concern for next year and middle school. We had a bit of a stumble at Thanksgiving but seem to have recovered and maybe moved forward a bit.  Stella is thriving and we are starting to see some very age appropriate behavior so I guess that’s good.

As we head into 2018, I wish all of you the peace you need. I pray that you get to enjoy some of the holiday or get to make some positive memories because sometimes that’s all trauma and the system allow.

Well Hello There Trauma

So just before school began, I started to write a blog post that started like this:

Well, well, well. Trauma-related behavior, so nice of you to stop by just before school starts. You've been gone so long, I *almost* forgot what you looked like. But I suppose it is mid-August and nearly September so that means it's time for Sarah to freak out. It could also be the fall out from visits with Birth Mom, Big Brother, and a Random Text from Birth Dad.

We've had a few raging tantrums but Friday both Sarah and Smiley had major issues. The was preceded by Simon also really struggling the day before. 

And that is as far as I got.  I had planned to go into detail about the tantrums, attitude, ripping of paper, pushing of tables, throwing of pillows, screeching, and slamming of feet/doors/hands during this epic day of rage but that didn't happen.  And what I really wanted to share was the verbal grenade of "You're not my Mom!" coming at me and the strange "earning of stripes" I felt afterward, but that didn't happen either.

Why? Because kids. Because when the trauma related stuff kicks in, it knocks me on my ass with exhaustion.  Because I wish and will the trauma away at times.  I like to pretend I have no new material for a foster care, early childhood trauma blog and quite frankly I resented having stuff to write about.  And while I feel guilty watching parents in other support groups and blogs struggle with parenting children in The System and Hard Places, because my kids "look so healthy", I much prefer that to the reminder that all Hell can break loose here at any moment because of trauma.

I realize I haven't written very much this year. Upon reflection, I think a large reason why I've not written is the resentment that trauma still lingers.  That perhaps this is the same old thing, and you lovely readers are tired of reading about it.  That perhaps no System related drama or suspense doesn't make for very good blog material.

But maybe there are readers out that that are in the same place as me, and I realized that perhaps you needed to read about some other Mom out there being resentful of the trauma or other special need. Maybe you are a tired Mom who just wishes that some magic wand would come and undo all of the hurt and pain your children carry around with them.  Maybe there is a Mom that gets blindsided when for weeks or months their house looks like a "typical house" and then all of a sudden  - BAM - trauma drops in to remind you that it never really leaves.

And while we have come far, really far, it's not enough to re-wire brain pathways and remove cellular level trauma, and it never will be. And that is the reality we have to deal with and sometimes, I don't want to.