Baby Mama Drama

Just when I'm all "openess is awesome, I can work with bio parents" reality trips me and I fall on my face. 

So Sheila failed to make the phone call we scheduled. 12 hours after the scheduled time I got a text asking if I forgot or if she was supposed to call me. 

I responded the following day that I expected her to call but if she wasn't sure she could have called anyway or texted. I reminded her the importance of consistency. 

Her response was of course to say I called last time (so of course I screwed up) and that she couldn't remember (say what?) and it's not like she doesn't call on purpose (refreshing). Oh and the gem at the end stating that she's "trying really hard to keep things good between us" (because of course I'm trying to be difficult by setting the boundaries). 

It's my own fault really. Once again I bought into the facade that she's going to do her part. 

How do you tell me you really miss your kids and you want a relationship with them and then you forget to call them.  Especially when you asked for the call and I reminded you a few days prior? 

Am I wrong to expect her to call? Should I, for the sake of my children, carry more than my share of the relationship and call her? Should I insist on emails.

I replied back that we made the kids available and that she didn't follow up for 12 hours. That's she needs to take responsibility for her actions and her relationship with the kids. Her response was simply "OK".

Apparently being right is more important than re-scheduling. Which honestly, I don't know what I would have agreed to. The kids knew we had a call scheduled but they didn't seem to notice (or at least haven't asked) that it didn't happen. 

I sent the screen shot of her response about not being able to remember to the therapists and Caseworker #4 and asked for a team meeting about the best approach. Stella has some big feelings about baby Solana being in foster care. (She is very worried no one will protect her if she goes home to Sheila.) Caseworker #4 can't do much about the phone call but it made me feel better to tattle that she still can't remember to, you know, call her children.

If you can't remember a phone call on a weekend, how are you going to take care of an infant? 

The answer is of course- she isn't. And that kiddo will likely be in foster care for 2 years before anyone does anything about. 

I Said Screw the Secret Santa

Every year my family does a Secret Santa. We usually set the limit at $20-25 and each of the adults picks another's name. We have a smallish family so we usually end up with someone we are already buying for (like my sibling) or the same person year after year. It often ends up like a gift card exchange and there have been years that people forgot who they picked and someone got left out (no fun). Since we have an ultra competitive family, a gift swap would be hazardous.

The past few years the Secret Santa felt more like a chore. And I thought maybe we could put our money to better use. I suggested we screw the Secret Santa and pick a cause! 

We decided to do a Sweet Case drive with Together We Rise, a great organization that supports kids in foster care by providing bicycles, wish lists, and trips to Disneyland. They also provide Sweet Cases, or duffle bags filled with goodies for kids in foster care so they don't have to travel with trash bags. And as a super fun element, they encourage you to decorate the bags so that each one is unique!

What could be better than family craft time? (It sure beats the disgusting Jelly Bean game we played last Christmas that caused my cousin and I to throw up. Moldy Cheese flavor is not pleasant.)

When I made the suggestion my family jumped on board. Each adult is going to donate the $25 for their Sweet Case to donate but we are trying to fundraise 5 additional so each of the kids can make one too. If you are interested in making a donation please either PM me through Facebook or send an email to 

rloveisastateofmind(at)yahoo.com.

If you can't donate now, please think about donating to one of their campaigns in the future. This organization directly supports the kids and has a special passion for teens and siblings. 

November- National Adoption Month

It's November! Which means it's National Adoption Month. The President signed a proclamation and everything. But I'm struggling with how best to honor "adoption". I'm especially struggling with the "Happy Adoption Month" sentiment.

If there is one lesson I've learned about adoption- it's that it isn't the happy greeting card commercial our society likes to view it as. And it's a deeply personal experience. What might make one person feel happy and grateful might make another experience shame and rejection.

Sure it's a good thing to give children permanency and fulfill the dreams of people who want to be parents. But there is pain and grief behind that joy. A sense of loss- of roots and connection and sameness that we all crave. Both child and parent alike. 

Adoption has come a long way from where it was - secretive, shunned, hushed, coerced. There is more openness and dialogue about the impact of adoption but we still have a long way to go. Our vocabulary, our insensitive phrases, the files still closed to the person they belong to, it all needs to continue to change.

Will you be part of that change? Will you support adoption positive language.  Will you listen to adoptees share their story no matter if it makes you uncomfortable? Will you share your own experiences no matter how hard?


"November 21 marks National Adoption Day, when we unite as families, advocates, and communities -- and as a country -- to raise awareness of the barriers to adoption and recommit ourselves to moving more of our young people into permanent homes." Barack Obama

My Dearest Stella

The other night we were talking about college and you were asking about schools for singing. I said "but I just got you here, I'm not going to rush you to leave for college" and you responded, "I know."

Oh I hope you do. I hope you know how much I cherish whatever years we have with you here at home because they don't seem to be enough. I feel like we were cheated. I weep for the little girl who spent so much time in an uncertain place with scary people and sub-par care. 

But I cheer for all that you have achieved inspite of those experiences. My helpful, kind girl, with an imagination and slow, sure smile. Though you be little, you are mighty.  You are brave and courageous.  You jump at the chance for new experiences and I love that about you.  I love you.

Mommy