Therapy Begins

So we began therapy. The practice we are going to only treats patients with abuse and trauma histories. They have very specialized certifications in attachment, trauma, and abuse. They did an amazing trauma assessment report that I feel will be key in the kids gaining permanency. The only downside is it's a good 45 minutes to get to at our appointment time. 

The first night we met as a family we set goals. There were some good goals that had Therapeutic value such as only the parents can parent. And one to work on bed wetting and the shame surrounding that. There were also some that could be viewed as silly but probably were ways to say scary things. Like more naps. Which I believe for that family member was code for "I'm not sleeping well." More trips was also included. I'm taking that to mean more quality time together. My goal was getting the kids to speak up. They talk very quietly at times and I cannot hear them especially in the car. These were all goals "to make our family even more awesome".

Last week we did an exercise to see how we operated as a group. It didn't go as well as I thought. Our task was to draw on a giant piece of paper, our family, doing something together. Stella of course had ideas but the moment everyone else added to them and began drawing she shut down. She refused to draw. She kept saying she "didn't get it" "I'm confused". She was frustrated. I was frustrated. And then the panic attack set in. Tears, hyperventilating, and a totally helpless Mom. 

It was a new side of her. Of course a few minutes after we got Stella back on track (sort of-she then decided she couldn't draw anything to her liking) Smiley lost her confidence and had a meltdown. Meanwhile Sarah started to copy what Stella was drawing and Simon continued drawing happily.

I'm really hoping this week is individual talk therapy. Last week was exhausting.

Final Four?

Last weekend marks the 4 year anniversary of our foster care journey. We still aren't close to adopting but we are at least participating in a case where it's likely to end that way. My Mom dubbed the Quartet, "The Final Four" last week but I can't be that optimistic. I feel like the moment I do, the rug will be pulled from underneath me.

Our system is so broken. I want to believe in it. But even with the Quartet, their family has been in and out of foster care for 11 years. How does that happen? And even now, we are still talking hypothetically about a goal change to termination in three more months. Stella will be almost 10 then. Sarah will be 8. And they switched DCFS offices and we've been out of the new office for 2 months and we are already on a 2nd case worker. Who I, of course, have not yet met or been given information to. All I know is she is bi-lingual and fresh off her internship. 

4 years of learning about this and I'm pretty skeptical that a fresh-faced caseworker is going to work to our benefit. Sheila is going to walk all over her. And a newbie means things may not be done the way they need to, which in my experience, means more delay. 

Once again, the kids in my home are stuck waiting around for the adults to get their act together. All I can do is forge ahead and hope that everyone else falls in line. Sadly, hope is not a strategy.

I put my foot down about Sheila trying to change the visit time without asking for our input. The next day she totally missed her standing call with the kids. She texted some story about her phone, which might be true. Who knows. I do know that the week before she told me she wasn't going to miss them anymore as she learned in her parenting class how important consistency is. 

I'm over trying to play along with the game.  I just want to end the standing calls. They stress me out. They are painful to listen to. They stress out the kids. She doesn't show up for 1/2 of them. It seems almost wrong to keep telling this woman she has a shot at getting her kids back if she works really hard. No one in their right mind would give this lady back her kids given the facts of this case. Except, they have. And they could. And that part drives me bonkers too!

I'm growing inpatient with the length of time the courts and laws says is acceptable and required for kids in care. I read statistic after statistic this week about the issues kids in care face. About teens who age out. It's really hard to watch other foster families in pain all the time. If not from trying to navigate the ridiculous requirements imposed seemingly on a whim, they are in pain as children the love are moved from their care or hurt further by the system.

I stepped back to assess how far we've come. I didn't freak out about the sparkler accident or the kid covered in blood from a tumble down the stairs at the visit. I instructed we were going out of town and didn't worry if they approved or not. The caseworker basically gave me 1 day she could meet this month (well she gave me a 5 day window but 2 of the days were a weekend and the other 2 the kids had a visit and therapy) and the CASA worker asked to come too. I told them they could come the same day. These are all things I would have gotten worked up about in the past. I'm saving the fight in me for the kids. 

Dear Mr. Mohawk

Dear MM,

Today you are 7. Happy, Happy Birthday. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. I remember the year you turned 4 Jelly Bean insisted we have a birthday party for you because you came into foster care right after you turned 3. You probably don't remember the moon bounce or the presents. But I do. And your "Mom" before me was there with your former foster siblings. 

I know you don't think of me as "Mom" now. You call me by my first name until your sisters correct you. It's fine with me. You should not have to remember the time you were away from your mother. You should only remember you were loved every day, always. I realize as time goes by, you will forget more and more of your time with us. I keep it in my heart. Ready to share it with you whenever you ask. I'm sure someday you will.

You are turning into a handsome young man. Full of energy and fun. And I love your smile! I'm so glad to be a witness to your life. You have grown so far from the little boy who fell asleep in my arms. I love you forever.

Foster Mom R

Court

We had court last week. It was just a status hearing but the psych eval on Sheila and trauma assessments on the children were being admitted to the record. Sheila almost no showed again. If we had started on time she would have missed the hearing entirely. As it was, we started 45 minutes late and she was 5 minutes later than that, so she walked in before too much information was shared. 

The take away was that Bio Mom's prognosis is poor. According to the report, it is unlikely that she will be able to protect her children or stop being a victim of domestic violence and the recommendation was termination of parental rights. The judge once again said that there was no progress being made. 

Thankfully, the judge took the most important piece of the kids' trauma assessments and commented that they need permanency very soon. She said that it was clear from the reports that if a permanent solution is not found soon, the children will suffer further trauma and that isn't in their best interest. She also said that this case has been in her courtroom for 11 years and we are basically in the same spot we were in the 1st time. 

The States Attorney was speaking in "ifs". "The next permanency hearing is critical. If nothing is improved we will probably recommend a goal change of termination." And similar statements. She talked about a bunch of procedural stuff on the Dad's which makes me believe they are at the cross your t's, dot your I's stage.

Sheila ran out of court and briefly said hi passing us in the hall afterwards. The next day she called to set up a schedule for phone calls since she's been missing them. She even stated she wouldn't work that day so that she didn't miss the calls. She talked about focusing on her case and not on work. She talked about becoming an effective parent. It sounded like she was just mimicking the things she's been hearing at parenting class. (And I'm sorry but if you can't remember a 15 minute call with your kids once a week we have some bigger issues. Set an alarm on your phone if you have to.)

She asked for our house rules and wrote them down at the suggestion of Stella. (And this is where I hope the person observing them at the parenting class was paying attention. The 9 year old suggested Mom adopt rules because no one was taking turns. Said rules were offered to Mom months ago.)

All great things. But sadly, too late. The time for this full court press was last year. And even so, like the judge pointed out, this family has a long history with the system.

I listened. I tried to support without being condescending. I very clearly restated how serious the kids' mental health issues are. She would agree and then contradict the statements she was making, confirming for me that she doesn't really understand. I was glad she made statements like "my kids deserve my best". It will make it easier when they ask me later on in life if their Mom tried to get better. Our intentions are to keep her a part of their life with us, so I also tried to keep that in mind as I listened to the excuses she was giving me. 

I'm still not ready to say we are for sure heading for adoption. I've heard too many stories of the goal not changing despite what everyone seemed to say. I'm just taking it one day at a time praying that the next three months don't contain a lot of drama. We have a lot of hard work to begin in therapy and my hope is that we get far enough along so that if the goal changes in the fall, the kids are better prepared. It is clear the Sheila has some major issues to work on and I don't see them getting resolved in three months.